tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-87020813010183626172024-03-13T12:30:33.593+02:00stumbling anii stumble through life.. and then write about it.anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.comBlogger148125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-54969677133263057552023-09-22T09:27:00.004+02:002023-09-22T09:27:58.596+02:00On Being Medicated<p> Depression? Kinda depressing, hey? đ</p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0TSv-FkdojbY58_ZCDxUFftr4fLzb10UKCf9lwGvC3HDmvfGi-5xyLlbKsFATlXaFHlA9F-bjTUBqwkdbaf4VY-KVciceFbBMbM-Lgt6JWq4cbxKlbIBfpsm2_SqqboF00nwUHCjy1R4XQgly2QG06937uU-09RatQdud3LF7DsPmKWXo9Z0XbgFuVRc/s720/6pngfq8ae6p71.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; display: inline !important; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="697" data-original-width="720" height="286" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj0TSv-FkdojbY58_ZCDxUFftr4fLzb10UKCf9lwGvC3HDmvfGi-5xyLlbKsFATlXaFHlA9F-bjTUBqwkdbaf4VY-KVciceFbBMbM-Lgt6JWq4cbxKlbIBfpsm2_SqqboF00nwUHCjy1R4XQgly2QG06937uU-09RatQdud3LF7DsPmKWXo9Z0XbgFuVRc/w295-h286/6pngfq8ae6p71.jpg" width="295" /></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkLzA7nQpQ52Sf0ltkt23zc0pRJw8C1iJwi-uifk0ZiUDlFp4gxE19VGSF2HtBIebV47aQD_w2VOat1vfSPFVOz32BvCYdYbwFzHMHve3EYRI2BdJS14hxPKmjNvqjT3hvodLqQ6_4N6kqcGRemwBKKUxFM6Xku7N2IktoZt6m207jA5uZdrd4PwaFZQ4/s1560/6v4ion4x47x31.png" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; display: inline !important; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1560" data-original-width="1440" height="305" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkLzA7nQpQ52Sf0ltkt23zc0pRJw8C1iJwi-uifk0ZiUDlFp4gxE19VGSF2HtBIebV47aQD_w2VOat1vfSPFVOz32BvCYdYbwFzHMHve3EYRI2BdJS14hxPKmjNvqjT3hvodLqQ6_4N6kqcGRemwBKKUxFM6Xku7N2IktoZt6m207jA5uZdrd4PwaFZQ4/w281-h305/6v4ion4x47x31.png" width="281" /></a></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><p>Anyhoo.... I've probably lived with depression my whole life in some form or another. I still haven't figured out if it's situational or just genetics. I have a feeling that my dad had depression or was perhaps on the autism spectrum. And I had a little sad when I heard one of my nieces "is sometimes sad for no reason." My heart. :(</p><p>I became obsessed with psychology at a pretty young age, trying my best to understand myself and others better. I have experienced some pretty shitty situations from a very young age... it's hard to recover from that kind of repetitive pain. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I've been trying so hard for years to understand why I feel so different. At this stage, I think this is just the way it is.</p><p>My last straw was the sudden and unexpected death of my mother last year. I just wanted to give up. Life just felt really hard and dark and impossible. I was physically not well... I felt dizzy and not in touch with reality (dissacociation and derealisation). I have been in and out of talk therapy for various periods of time since I was at UCT (probably around 2000). It has helped me in so many ways but, at that stage, I was just tired of talking. Also, post-covid, it was hard finding an in-person psychologist. I tried the "zoom" therapy and it just sucked.</p><p>I reached out to a psychiatrist (on instagram obvs) and decided to try medication again for depression and occasional anxiety. She also got me medically checked out and prescribed me some other vitamins (B12, D and Iron). It's been about a year now.... and today, I suddenly realised that I was feeling better. I was feeling lighter... more in control.... more alive. </p><p>I still dont feel happy though... but I am content. I'm proud that I reached out and did what I needed to do to stay alive. And I am allowing myself the peace of mind of staying on the medication. This helps me be a better person. It helps me overcome difficult situations and learn how to be brave again.</p><p>Take the meds. Speak to someone. </p><p>There is help out there. Even if it's hard. </p><p>It's worth the effort. You're worth the effort.</p><p><br /></p><p>k. bye.</p><p>~anib</p><p><br /></p>anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-61119310987073144682023-08-02T09:41:00.003+02:002023-08-02T09:41:29.085+02:00Closer to Fine<p>đ” Happy Birthday to Meeeeee! You look like an old girl, but you're just 1 plus 43. đ”</p><p>Eish. Ja. That's quite a big number. It gets harder getting older. You have to start using your toes to count!</p><p>But you dont have to act older... thank goodness! I like to tell people that I decided to stop growing up after 29. 29 was a really hectic year... 2008 had the miscarriage and divorce, crippling depression, and a little econmic bubble burst... overall just objectively bad. </p><p>But! I moved on and out and learned so much more about myself in 2009... another self, away from family and friends, making new friends, falling in and out and out and out of love! Fun. Fun. Fun!</p><p>Record scratch and all of a sudden we're in 2023 and turning 44. It's not a momentous number.... but it's been a challenging year. Losing my mom and close friends (again and again and again!) was objectively hard. BUT! We're still standing. I dont even know how... but we are!</p><p>And this year, we also have the Barbie movie to celebrate! SO MUCH PIIIIIINK!!! I am trying my hardest not to get obessessed.... BUT.... SHE IS OBSESSED! lol.</p><p>It's been such a lovely surprise.... and I hard relate to everything in this movie. Trying to be a perfect princess in a weird world. And then being a weird princess in a normal world. It's just so good! </p><p>And did I mention the pink?! </p><p>Anyway.... enough of the sillines (ha! never!). One of the touching moments, was when the mom and daughter sing this song together on their way back to the Barbie world. I've obviously heard this song before, but there's now a slower version which is bittersweet and beautiful. These are a few of my favourite lyrics:</p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/F9Pec-FnALs" width="320" youtube-src-id="F9Pec-FnALs"></iframe></div><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><i><span style="color: #ff00fe; font-family: georgia;"><br /></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="color: #ff00fe; font-family: georgia;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Maybe give me insight between black and white?</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">But the best thing you've ever done for me</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Is to help me take my life less seriously</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">'Cause it's only life after all, yeah, it's only life after all</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="color: #ff00fe; font-family: georgia;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">And lightness has a call that's hard to hear</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I wrap my fear around me like a blanket</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I'm crawling on your shores</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="color: #ff00fe; font-family: georgia;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">But there's more than one answer to these questions</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">Pointing me in a crooked line</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="color: #ff00fe; font-family: georgia;"><span jsname="YS01Ge">And the less I seek my source for some definitive</span><br aria-hidden="true" /><span jsname="YS01Ge">The closer I am to fine</span></span></i></div><div class="ujudUb" jsname="U8S5sf" style="background-color: white; font-size: 14px; margin-bottom: 12px;"><i><span style="color: #ff00fe; font-family: georgia;"><span face="arial, sans-serif">The closer I am to fine, yeah</span><span style="background-color: transparent; text-align: center;"> </span></span></i></div><div><br /></div>Ah man, god bless artists! Through all my life adventures, I really am starting to feel closer to fine. Good enough!<div><br /></div><div>*spoiler alert*</div><div><br /></div><div>There's a beautiful story behind Barbie of a mother and daughter reconciling their relationship. I was a little bit sad that they didn't include Dana from Barbie and the Rockers in the movie. <a href="https://stumblingani.blogspot.com/2011/05/dolly-and-rockers.html" target="_blank">My mom got me Dana</a> when I actually wanted a "real" Barbie. She said at the time that she wanted to get a doll that looked like me. And now, looking back, I realise that she didn't see what I saw. I wanted to be blonde Barbie whereas she got the prettiest doll that looked like me. </div><div><br /></div><div>Ja hey...Moms. <3</div><div><br /></div><div>Love n stuff.</div><div>~anib</div><div><br /><p><br /></p></div>anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-793037508617773442022-12-22T11:33:00.001+02:002022-12-22T11:33:08.668+02:002022 in Review<div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Another year gone... and I'm so very happy that this one is going away soon. <br />Found these questions via <a href=" https://www.nafisa.co.za/2022-the-year-that-was/" target="_blank">Nafisa</a> and I think they're pretty cool. So, let's go! </span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">1. What did you do in 2022 that youâd never done before?<br /></strong></span>Travelled to Israel! What a trip. I missed my friend so much but I'm so glad I went. <br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">2. Did you keep your new yearsâ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?<br /></strong></span>I dont think I made any this year. It was a rough start to the year with an anxiety attack but I'm glad I'm now on medication for this.<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">3. How will you be spending New Yearâs Eve?<br /></strong></span>Will hopefully be seeing the London fireworks... in London!<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">4. Did anyone close to you die?<br /></strong></span>Yes. So many people. :(<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">5. What countries did you visit?<br /></strong></span>Israel and flying to UK tomorrow!<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;">Joy. Happiness. Peace. Friends.<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">7. What date from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?<br /></span>6 May. Getting the phone call from the hospital at 4am... the whole day was a lot.<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?<br /></strong></span>I like just survived, hey? Managed to reach out and make some new friends. Kept trying to stay alive. <br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">9. What was your biggest failure?<br /></strong></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;">Being on tiktok too much.<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">10. Did you suffer illness or injury?<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;">Just mental illness but I got help for that.<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">11. What was the best thing you bought?<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;">Very exciting waterproofing! OMG and a dishwasher! #adultingAF<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">12. Where did most of your money go?<br /></span>Travel! And medicine!<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">13. What song will always remind you of 2022?<br /></span>Harry Styles â As It Was (Thanks TikTok)<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">14. What do you wish youâd done more of?<br /></strong></span>Exercise.<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">15. What do you wish youâd done less of?<br /></strong></span>Cant think of anything...<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">16. What was your favourite TV program?<br /></strong></span>Rewatched the entire This is Us. So good and healing.<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">17. Do you hate anyone now that you didnât hate this time last year?<br /></strong></span>Ha. Trying not to.<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">18. What was the best book you read?<br /></strong></span>I dont read much. :(<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">19. What was your greatest musical discovery?<br /></strong></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;">Harry Styles.<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">20. What was your favourite film of this year?<br /></span>Encanto!<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">21. What did you do on your birthday?<br /></strong></span>Manicures and pedicures with my sister-in-law and nieces.<br /><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></strong></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">22. What kept you sane?<br /></strong></span>My home.<br /><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></strong></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><strong style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;">23. Who did you miss?<br /></span></strong><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;">Friends.<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">24. Who was the best new person you met?<br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 17.6px;">Family of my best friend in Israel. <br /></span><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;"><br /></span></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;"><span style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 700; line-height: 17.6px;">25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022.<br /></span>Life is too short. Ask for help.<br /><br /></span></div><div style="box-sizing: border-box; font-weight: 400; line-height: 1.8; margin: 0px 0px 15px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: georgia;">Here's to 2023!<br />~anib<br />xx </span></div><p style="text-align: left;"></p><div class="sh-page-links" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #393939; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"></div><div class="post-tags-container" style="-webkit-text-stroke-width: 0px; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box; color: #393939; font-family: Helvetica; font-size: 16px; font-style: normal; font-variant-caps: normal; font-variant-ligatures: normal; font-weight: 400; letter-spacing: normal; orphans: 2; text-align: left; text-decoration-color: initial; text-decoration-style: initial; text-decoration-thickness: initial; text-indent: 0px; text-transform: none; white-space: normal; widows: 2; word-spacing: 0px;"></div><p style="text-align: left;"></p>anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-10934465639832428792022-11-04T13:47:00.002+02:002022-11-04T13:47:20.139+02:00The Shadow of Death<p>The year 2022 contiues to take and take.</p><p>I need to do a few important RIPs because... this year has been a lot.</p><p><br /></p><p><b>Mae</b></p><p>80 years old, 2 children and 2 grandchildren and second mom to her other 10 siblings.</p><p>Only got married at 37 which was quite a thing for '78. Met and married my dad in South Africa and lived here all the rest of her life after growing up in Madeira and working for a while in Maputo. </p><p>Deeply religious and lived her life in service to others. Spent her whole life working in a shop in Maitland before retiring. Life hasn't always been kind or easy, but there was always a joke or laugh to be had. </p><p>I hope you have peace and are finally free of all the aches and pains of life. <3 </p><p><br /></p><p><b>Johnnie V</b></p><p>The Lightchaser from StumbleUpon days. But Johnnie to everyone. A truly kind and beautiful person. Once he found out what you liked, he would share a pretty image or song or joke to your wall on an almost daily basis. Always so so kind and so sweet. Much loved. So very missed. </p><p><br /></p><p><b>Adin VR aka The NoMoneyGuy</b></p><p>My online friend, the kick to my side-kick. The one with the big ideas and the crazy ideas and the big heart and the bigger smile. The one that always listens, tries to help and isn't afraid to ask for help. He helped me come out of my shell in 2010 and through his friendship, I met so many new and interesting people and leant so many things about myself. I cant even begin to explain the influence that he has on my life. Greatly loved by so many.... if you knew him, you know. </p><p><b><br /></b></p><p><b>Tyrone B</b></p><p>I heard about this quite late. What a horrible tragic way to die. Thank you for showing me the trance world. Thank you for pushing my buttons and showing me a side of me that I had forgotten about. I wish you peace.</p><p><b><br /></b></p><p><b>Buckley</b></p><p>The cat that I adopted from my brother! He only stayed with me for a month before we found out he was sick. What a sweet boy you were. <3</p><p><br /></p><p>Let's hope 2023 is kinder.</p><p>xx</p><p>~anib</p><p><br /></p>anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-24405559307733554032022-05-31T10:11:00.004+02:002022-05-31T10:14:57.770+02:00May 2022<p> This year. This month. Is it over yet?</p><p>A nice man once wrote a nice poem about <a href="https://stumblingani.blogspot.com/2016/05/something-about-may.html">being in love in May</a>. I am starting to miss the warm embrace of romantic love... but my heart and soul isn't ready to love again. Like, any kind of love....</p><p>This month, it was my dad's 10 year death anniversary on 26 May. And my mom unexpectadly and suddenly passed away from pancreatic cancer on 6 May. She was supposed to come home that day... but she didn't make it. It's been such a lot. The price you pay for love... </p><p>My family came from around the world - Australia, Portugal, UK and Johannesburg. My mom was the eldest of 11 children and a second mom to her brothers and sisters. It was a big loss to our entire family. The family came together once again to celebrate and laugh and cry... to eat. To love. It was good.</p><p>But the family have now all moved back home and we are all trying to live a new new new normal... because hey, we're still in a post-pandemic world. What even is normal anymore?</p><p>Everything is different. And Very Not Normal.</p><p>The price you pay for love.... is love.</p><p>This May month of sadness is almost over. </p><p>I really hope the rest of this year will be kinder. </p><p>With love.</p><p>~anib</p><p><br /></p>anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-4245258098924560702020-10-18T03:22:00.006+02:002020-10-18T03:31:06.783+02:00Still 2020<p> God damn. </p><p>This year. </p><p>God. </p><p>Damn.</p><p>It's been over 200 days of lockdown in South Africa. We're on level 1 now and the "new normal" is working from home, wearing masks, hand sanitiser, no big public gatherings and much better home delivery services. It hasn't been all bad but it's been a lot. </p><p>People have taken on different lockdown projects. I did a bit of baking, sort of gardened (weeding counts), lots of home improvement and cleaning (when I'm cleaning, you know I'm stressed...!). Oh and I went back to gym. The horror. But I'm trying!</p><p>Planning ahead is really difficult. We cant even plan for December holidays but I definitely do need a holiday. We're not sure if public gatherings (ie outdoor parties) are technically allowed, but there are some smaller ones being held. It's a mess but we all need our outlets. I went to a private indoor event last week and it was ok. We're waiting out the two weeks just to make sure. There was another small "super spreader" event at a local pub in Cape Town (Tin Roof, Claremont).... so it can happen easily. But you hedge your bets. It's a strange world.</p><p>So, a few other things happened. I got my first tetanus shot after a stupid thorn in my foot. My mom broke her arm and hurt her legs so that's been a big challenge. Hospital visits and physio and everything has taken its toll. I went away to Montagu for a few days to chill out. The drive helped. And I got to see some real trance friends (ie not just party friends).</p><p>Oh I had a small break away for my birthday with my close friends. It was a ridiculously beautiful day in the middle of winter. I spent my birthday in my costume in a hot tub... in the southern hemisphere! Ah, what a weird wonderful life. :)</p><p>America has gone damn insane. Well, like more insane than ever. Let's see how the next election goes. Fuck Tr$mp. Black Lives Matter. The Patriarchy Must Die. 5G is just wifi. Facebook is evil. People are exceptionally stupid.... and that's why we have stupid laws. </p><p>Did anything else happen this year? Ag, so much....Just going to do the highlights. Also it's 3am. Cause yay anxiety and depression is back!</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="BLOG_video_class" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/XH1Z6Y3feYA" width="320" youtube-src-id="XH1Z6Y3feYA"></iframe></div><br /><p><br /></p><p>Anyway, TikTok is amazing. WAP is legendary. Dont waste toilet paper. Wash your hands. Wear a mask. </p><p>Oh yeah and fuck corona. </p><p>Stay safe.</p><p>x</p>anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-54812886141044711322020-04-02T15:42:00.000+02:002020-10-18T03:22:58.897+02:002020 - Issa lotcorona. lockdown. wtf.<br />
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https://twitter.com/sadgirlnuri/status/1245668927180607488<br />
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<a href="https://twitter.com/sadgirlnuri/status/1245668927180607488?s=20">2020</a>anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-68573179820798941082019-06-25T23:01:00.000+02:002019-06-25T23:01:03.434+02:00Mid winter <div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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It's so cold in Cape Town. It feels like it's been freezing since March. But we've just come out of mid-winter so.... here's hoping it gets warmer soon (but not too soon because we do still need the rain in Cape Town).<br />
<br />
So of course I decided to spend this last weekend camping. In a hurricane. For fun. Issues, much? Well yeah, but it was actually fun, after I got over the anxiety of dying in a hurricane. Anyway, vortex was an interesting and wonderful experience for lots of reasons. I got to actually work at a party for the first time ever - like free entrance and meal tickets kind of work. Next level! Also, the hurricane scared off the two humans that hate me right now so I could just relax at the party.<br />
<br />
It also felt really great being part of the flow arts group again. It felt nice being part of *a* group, I guess. But I did end up spending most of the party alone... which I really dont mind and enjoyed. I also spent most of the party sober which was great because I remember all the connections that I had with everyone. It was a really nice feeling. Adulting-ish, evens.<br />
<br />
I had a similar experience at Afrikaburn this year. I camped with D-Camp with some friends and lots of new people that became friends. And I was also mostly soberish.... so was pretty myself and enjoyed the time with others and on my own. Lucky me.<br />
<br />
But this year has been a little challenging with relationships and friendships. I've been trying to be more honest and vulnerable and it doesn't always work out the way I would like. But things are actually ok... friend wise. I have enough.<br />
<br />
I just wish that I could get a handle on finances and move forward to building something and not just paying off kak. So far, I'm worried about my car, my mom's house, my chimney, security.... and like food, electricity and black tights (impossible to find! urgh!!).<br />
<br />
But everything is actually fine.<br />
And Good.<br />
Enough.<br />
xx<br />
<br />
~anibanitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-72128382990021936092019-03-04T20:57:00.001+02:002019-03-04T20:57:59.896+02:00New year, who dis?Dear blog... I'm sorry for neglecting you... again. But if you dont know me by now, gurl.... then I cant help you. :) And I realise how ridiculous it is to do a new year blog in March.... but 2019 has been a lot already. Happy New Year.... and thank fuck 2018 is finally over.<br />
<br />
So.... 2018. What a year. I went to BOOM!!!! festival which was.... !!!!! No, truly, it was the best experience I've ever had. It had its challenging moments as well but I've been spoiled by that festival experience in so many ways. I spent so much time alone and wondering about the point of it all... and then tried to stop thinking so much and just experience the moments: the giant 40,000 people dancefloor, watching the full moon eclipse, the awe inspiring art, the heat, the lake, those cold showers, the tree hotel, the chill dancefloor, the best flow artists in the world, the being fields, the adult playground, the food (omg), acai ice cream, the giant ants, the ozzies, the israelis, the saffas, the toilets, the graffitti..... aargh... so much! It was good, despite the logistics and money and bugs. It was good.<br />
<br />
And then a week of Lisbon, mostly on my own, was truly relaxing and interesting and fun and scary and emotional and hot and good. It was good. All good.<br />
<br />
And then back home. Where nothing has been good ever since. Well, you know... it wasn't all bad but I guess I've just been slowly spirally towards a depression low. <br />
<br />
I've had possibly the biggest and most heart breaking time with friends and trying to figure out who I am outside of friendships that I thought were solid. I've been trying to find my ground after a difficult psychedelic experience and possibly a psychotic break. I've been trying, trying, trying to find some kind of normal, some kind of stable, while everything around me seems to be shifting and moving way outside my comfort zone. I've yet to find it, to be honest. I've been struggling daily with what is real, what can be trusted, and who.... who on earth I can rely on in this lonely planet.<br />
<br />
So far, I'm holding onto me, myself and I... which is dodgy at best and comforting in my saner moments. I think I might actually be losing my mind but people seem to think I'm doing ok. So, on I go, I guess. I'm still employed and I own a home... so perhaps I'm not doing too badly. Who needs humans, I guess?<br />
<br />
I feel like I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I do enjoy my new home... when I'm home alone though. That's a whole challenge on its own. But my desire or need to go out to trance parties has significantly decreased. There's lot of reasons for that. My home at parties has been taken away from me but, also, perhaps... I have nothing that I'm running away from anymore. Home is a good place for me to be. I spend most weekends at home and really enjoy it. I'd like to spend it with more friends and family but I cant really force people to visit me. Like, I've actually tried.... I cant anymore.<br />
<br />
Shrug<br />
<br />
It is what it is, I guess.<br />
<br />
I'm trying my best to move into 2019 with some confidence and self love. But the lingering self doubt continues. So we'll continue to fake it until we make it, I guess. And keep trying to find that tinest spark of joy or hope for better days.<br />
<br />
Onwards.<br />
<br />
~anib<br />
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<br />anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-12447156858875166202018-07-13T13:56:00.002+02:002018-07-13T13:56:52.300+02:00New house, who dis?I have a home. My own house. A house with a giant double story mermaid mosaic. Of course I do. But also... OMG I ACTUALLY REALLY DO! It's a little hard to believe... and process... but it's real.<br />
<br />
So it's been a month since I've officially moved in. The first week was a whirlwind of boxes and unpacking and dusting and frustration and excitement. I had a few friends over to sit around a fire, in a house with no furniture, plotting and planning what to do with the walls and space. There is so much space! This was initially terrifying, being surrounded by so much emptiness, but I'm getting more used to it now.<br />
<br />
I managed to find lovely couches and some other bits of furniture so it's starting to look more like a home. I've spent a few nights wondering if this was the biggest mistake I've ever made or the best. Only time will tell, but it's been an experience that I'm learning to love. I'm starting to explore what I like and putting together a place that I can welcome friends and feel at home.<br />
<br />
I'll put up some pictures later... and I'm having a house warming when I return from BOOM festival in August. So, for now, I'm happy in the space, excited for the future and hoping the economy doesn't crash!<br />
<br />
Oh yeah. And I'm going to Boom festival in Lisbon next week. All casual like.<br />SO MUCH EXCITE!<br />
<br />
Will hopefully catch up on that when I return.<br />
<br />
toodles.<br />
~anibanitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-51239048193903813052018-06-03T05:35:00.002+02:002018-06-03T05:35:51.136+02:00BreadI walked past a bakery today. The smell of freshly baked bread took me right back to early mornings with my dad, fetching fresh rolls with him for our shop. Every Sunday morning, after walking back from mass, we would have a warm, crispy roll with lots of butter, ham and cheese. Every day at school for 12 years, I would have white bread sandwiches made by my mom. I had roosterkook for the first time in Potch after watching Fokofpolisiekar with my best friend at the time. I had a boyfriend that enjoyed cooking for me and that included home baked bread.<br />
<br />
Bread Equals Love.<br />
<br />
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So basically... fuck banting.</div>
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xx</div>
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<br />anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-9449037089787562022018-03-12T16:54:00.002+02:002018-03-12T16:54:47.909+02:00All the New thingsWell... it seems that some things have changed since my last post. Actually, a whole lot of things, including my attitude (thankfully).<br />
<br />
I have been actively house hunting and I put in my first offer to purchase today. Hoping I can get past the snotty estate agent and get the house of my dreams. It has a fireplace, aircon, beautiful kitchen, pool, outdoor braai, alarm... and *squee* I cant wait. Holding thumbs.<br />
<br />
I also got my learner's licence and will be applying for my driving licence this weekend. That's a very long story but it's so very important to me. <br />
<br />
And then, finally... yes I am on a new eating plan and am rapidly losing weight. I feel good and I think I can keep it up until at least Boom. I don't even know who I will be after Boom.... so let's just wait and see what happens after that. <br />
<br />
I have also dyed my hair back to my more natural dark brown and will aim to keep it that way until December. I would like to grow it out a bit more... maybe look more like a girl. Maybe. We'll see.<br />
<br />
Oh. And that's also the motor for 2018: We'll see. We'll plan what we can but otherwise, we will go with the flow and see what happens. So here's to a whole bunch of changes and seeing what will happen next. <br />
<br />
Onto adventure.<br />
xxanitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-837623155776309842018-01-15T23:04:00.000+02:002018-01-15T23:04:09.694+02:00New year, same meOh hey. It's 2018. Well I'm not going to summarise 2017. It's just another year. And I'm just not into looking back right now.<br />
<br />
Right now, I'm trying to focus on something to look forward to. And so I'm trying to plan for Boom music festival in Portugal. Lord knows why, but I've booked tickets and now I'm slowly trying to figure out how I'm going to survive out there.<br />
<br />
After the modem festival last year, I've learned that I can survive the travel aspect. And modem was pretty comfortable, relatively speaking. Boom is incredibly hot and dusty and very big. So I'm scared.<br />
<br />
I'm also going with my cousin and some friends do that amps up the social anxiety part. I was happy to do modem by myself because I could do it at my own pace and not worry about anyone else. Not sure I really want people around me while I'm struggling with self doubt.<br />
<br />
But anyway. One of the ways that I've been thinking of preparing is.... Um. Losing weight. And yes. I know.... That even seems impossible to me. But I'm trying. Well I tried. But I really really can't. And I hate that about me so much.<br />
<br />
I thought I could try the paleo diet again because I lost so much weight the last time but... Urgh. It's so boring. I might throw up on water. Gross.<br />
<br />
Urgh.<br />
<br />
I need another plan.<br />
<br />
Or maybe another me.anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-68978717763218865722017-05-09T09:49:00.003+02:002017-05-09T09:49:41.698+02:00Post Therapy thoughtsI had about a three week break from my therapist... with public holidays and afrikaburn and life getting in the way. So it was nice going back yesterday... but also.... sigh. I'm so tired of my stuff.<br />
<br />
I've been with Dr H since November 2012... almost five years. Geez. What an adventure. But he's been truly amazing... and I'm more than a little heartbroken that he'll be leaving the country at the end of August. Like actually a lot heartbroken. Devastated even.<br />
<br />
I've had many therapists but he's been truly close to my heart. He challenges me and supports me in so many ways. And he sort of gets some of my ani-isms and calls me out on my bullshit. I'm interviewing a few new doctors this week but I actually really dont want to right now. I dont know.... I'll see how I feel after those appointments.<br />
<br />
One of the things we discussed yesterday was my extreme jealousy of love and relationships... and how I take it out on my close friends. I really dont like that person that I become but it feels so overwhelming and impossible to control. I really feel like it will hurt my close friendships but I dont see any way of dealing with it. So I try to deal with it by being as honest as possible without hurting other people too much.<br />
<br />
I just really do feel dead inside... I dont think I have the capacity or ability to love again. And that scares me but I dont know how to fix it.<br />
<br />
I also spoke about afrikaburn and how lonely I felt. Ironic, because I know that I isolated myself among 13,000 people. There were moments where I enjoyed the quiet alone time but there are also questions about why I run away from any kind of intimacy. As I so eloquently put yesterday, if I see lightning strike in the middle of the desert but no one else is there to experience it with me, is it still a valid experience?<br />
<br />
Anyway. My best friend is leaving Cape Town again. My therapist is leaving. And I feel completely and utterly alone in the world. Again.<br />
<br />
Bleh.<br />
xx<br />
anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-46218151714363333482016-12-28T11:27:00.002+02:002016-12-28T11:33:32.613+02:00Seven yearsSeven years.<br />
2009 was the year I finally got <a href="http://stumblingani.blogspot.co.za/2009/12/divorced-congrats.html">divorced</a>.<br />
2009 was the year that I should've had my baby.<br />
2009 was the year that I ran away and fought and gave up and tried again and finally walked.<br />
2009 was the year that I fell in love again and out of love.... again... and again.<br />
2009 was the year that I got out of my comfort zone and made new friends and a whole new life.<br />
<br />
2009 feels like a long time ago. And today, I think I'm feeling the 7 year itch. I'm feeling too comfortable... too safe... too bored.<br />
<br />
I'm not unhappy. I have so much to be grateful for.... and I am grateful. I survived a messy divorce, paid off all my debts, got myself into a really ridiculously good job and I have some amazing people who love and support me. I am healthy, happy and I have enough.<br />
<br />
And yet.<br />
<br />
Apparently, <a href="http://dreamhawk.com/body-and-mind/every-seven-years-you-change/">every 7 years you change</a> and the next chapter for me includes more changes.<br />
<blockquote class="tr_bq" style="background-color: white; color: #5f5f5f; font-family: Arial, Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 12px; margin-bottom: 14px; margin-top: 10px;">
This is when we reassess the results of what we are doing externally in our life. Our relationships, careers, habits and the ways we interact are all put under scrutiny and modified or changed. Itâs a time of facing up to what does and what doesnât satisfy us.</blockquote>
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So... here I am, I guess, being challenged by my relationships, career and habits. And trying to figure out where to go from here. Because here is just not enough, it seems.</div>
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Yesterday, Carrie Fisher passed away and, while I have no real connection to her, I was touched by this quote that I found. </div>
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There was a time that I was so afraid of everything... but I had to do things anyway. In 2009, my motto was "just try anything once" and it led me to a whole lot of interesting people and places. I have a lot more confidence in things that used to scare me.... But I'm still scared of things like love and intimacy.</div>
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I hope that I will be braver in 2017.<br />
I will be braver in 2017. </div>
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Here's to a happy, healthy and satisfying 2017. </div>
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And maybe even a fun NYE. ;)</div>
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xx</div>
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~anib</div>
anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-43882582965231344122016-12-06T20:21:00.000+02:002016-12-06T20:21:33.239+02:00NovemberitisUrgh. November.anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-75091121949759780992016-10-13T23:28:00.000+02:002016-10-14T15:00:48.566+02:00Still Beautiful<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ME-c0l8oTkY">The TEDx Talk by Lillian Bustle</a></div>
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<br />anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-85935683768224345192016-10-03T13:39:00.000+02:002016-10-03T13:39:06.294+02:00September 2016I missed my September blog post. There's no reason, really, other than I've been occupied with lots of thoughts and things... but not enough for a coherent blog post.<br />
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So here's a random summary of September, without getting too deep into thoughts and feelings.<br />
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The month started with a trip to Citrusdal for an Afrikaburn type party. I wanted to "test drive" my chill area idea at trance parties and did a fully psychedelic chill area with decor from Luminos. It was lovely but didn't really fit in and I felt a little defeated. I mostly got over myself and hung out with my DPW friends and then cheered myself with a longer route home through the west coast. It was ok but I doubt that I'd attend again.<br />
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The weekend after that I attended Wolfkop for the first time as a thank you gift from Afrikaburn for my volunteer work. I'll admit that I really didn't even feel that I belonged there, but I made a nice chill space for people and tried my best to fit in. I also felt very intimidated by all the very very pretty people at that party and, really, the only thing that I dance to was Mafikzolo's song "Meet me at the River." The rest of the music was this down tempo house techno crap that I just could not....<br />
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Anyway, it was a pretty place and the Afrikaburn people are always.... entertaining. I also got bitten so badly by mosquitoes so that sucked a little. I also took some leave from work because things were complicated and I was feeling really depressed and tired and... gatvol. :(<br />
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Two weeks after that, I attended Earthdance for just the Sunday. That was also a little different to normal as I went with some friends in the back of a bakkie and without all my "things." I tried to let go but I was a little worried. I also got fat shamed on the dancefloor which significantly affected my ability to "let go" and just have fun. That sucked.<br />
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So I dont know... I didnt enjoy it that much, I guess. Although I was really surrounded by an army of awesome people that really loved me. And I missed that scene a lot... so much so that I was overcome by emotion as I hit the dancefloor. It's a weird thing, these trance parties. So much shit goes on sometimes... but it's still such a place for growth for me. Still learning... still growing.<br />
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And this past weekend, I decided to attend an ecstatic dance class.... which was super weird and interesting and probably good for me. Still undecided about that whole thing, tbh. And then I attended the hoop day celebrations which was fun and playful and definitely good for me. And yesterday, I started painting the side wall. I want to make an ocean effect as I drive in. Heh. Cant wait to see this done.... although today, my back is PAINFULLY sore.<br />
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Totes worth it. :)<br />
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Along the way, there have been some personal issues that I'm still dealing with. Once I've figured it all out, I'll post something more coherent and personal here. For now, I am just really grateful for friends that really listen and a therapist that helps me move forward.<br /><br />
Onwards!<br />
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~anib<br />
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anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-71909981225401297322016-08-23T17:14:00.002+02:002016-08-24T11:26:35.881+02:00Soul BoogySo I ran away to Mozambique for my birthday. Thirty Fucking Seven. Holy crap, that's a lot closer to Forty than I'm ready for. And so I ran.... slowly. Because I'm effing old. :)<br />
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So I decided to attend the Mozamboogy party in Ponta Molagane, Mozambique for the weekend. The adventure started with a flight to Johannesburg that was delayed because of a tornado and heavy rainfall in Johannesburg. Did I mention the tornado? Because... TORNADO WTF! Things could only get better from there, right?<br />
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Well the bus ride up to Kosi Bay border from Johannesburg was pure hell. We left at 8pm to arrive at the border at 8am so I expected to sleep through the whole thing. Except for one guy who wanted to turn it into a party bus. One drunk guy. 50 non drunk people. One very irritated Ani that forgot her earphones in her luggage. So at least I discovered something about myself: I turn into a horrible, mean, sarcastic, unsympathetic bitch with zero sense of humour when I'm cold, tired and irritated. Who knew. Grr.<br />
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<a href="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JQuVqwetduo/V71mjO4XARI/AAAAAAAAZkQ/ae1Z9PsroXMIafMaGr885EkKtYjqe1CSwCLcB/s1600/20160729_091405%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://1.bp.blogspot.com/-JQuVqwetduo/V71mjO4XARI/AAAAAAAAZkQ/ae1Z9PsroXMIafMaGr885EkKtYjqe1CSwCLcB/s320/20160729_091405%255B1%255D.jpg" width="180" /></a>When we eventually got to Mozambique though, I could not be happier. Mainly because I finally got away from the drunk guy and I got to speak Portuguese and OMG SUNSHINE!!! Johanneburg was freezing cold and, since we stopped along the route a few times, we were outside at 3am in the zero degree temperatures so I was really just grateful for the warm, tropical weather.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9aQEs2zG5Oc/V71mkfVOL3I/AAAAAAAAZkU/YYwnG9MKcFg1S9SvUUcAznUqYjylbVTPQCLcB/s1600/20160729_091347%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-9aQEs2zG5Oc/V71mkfVOL3I/AAAAAAAAZkU/YYwnG9MKcFg1S9SvUUcAznUqYjylbVTPQCLcB/s320/20160729_091347%255B1%255D.jpg" width="180" /></a>Once we got to the place (after a very bumpy ride), I checked into my little log cabin and started to make it home. I put up my rainbow stuff and I walked around a bit and sat on the beach trying to absorb as much sun as I could.... but, as I was really tired and in no mood for people, I just had a bit of a snooze before I did much of anything. My first 24 hours there, I spent mostly by myself. I meditated, ate some good food, wrote some things, and breathed out all the stresses over the last couple of months. Holiday mode engaged.<br />
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I was on the Mozamboogy dancefloor for a little bit but it's really difficult dancing on a sandy dancefloor. I also sat on the sand and got so badly bitten by sand fleas that I just decided to not do that again. I was there to relax. I can dance at a million other trance parties in Cape Town. Plus, my log cabin was so close to the dancefloor that I could dance to the music in my sleep.<br />
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<a href="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lPwOiVnqksg/V71nOnumqEI/AAAAAAAAZko/Oul3tcWoRGc2pYWO3kMsAoxVru9yZwGkQCLcB/s1600/20160730_172452%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://2.bp.blogspot.com/-lPwOiVnqksg/V71nOnumqEI/AAAAAAAAZko/Oul3tcWoRGc2pYWO3kMsAoxVru9yZwGkQCLcB/s320/20160730_172452%255B1%255D.jpg" width="180" /></a>On the Friday, I met this awesome dude that reminded me of my friend G that passed away. He was crazy AF but super smart and super entertaining. He got me out of my self induced bubble and, through him, I met a whole bunch of nice people. Also, my other friends arrived later that day, so the social part of the party was ON. It was ok... and I enjoyed my time with them but I really treasured the moments that I had to myself.<br />
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On the Saturday... I had the best experience. It was a very personal journey of discovery and I learnt so much about myself and what I want to do with my life. I really feel that I have a gift to help people with their heart stuff. And all I need to do is just bear witness and let people share their pain. I had a few people cry on my shoulders and they left me with a smile. So that's something. It was really amazing and powerful and... well I still haven't figured out what it all meant.<br />
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I want to write more about how much this affected me and how I truly feel called to a bigger and higher purpose... but I just dont have the words to explain it right now. All I can say, is that it was a much needed trip and I feel like something big changed for me during those few days.<br />
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<a href="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ltgH1ykccEE/V71mrKTKlKI/AAAAAAAAZkY/sMXloxBBgiYRnzc6FnVq49UqvfHyndF9gCLcB/s1600/20160729_091619%255B1%255D.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-ltgH1ykccEE/V71mrKTKlKI/AAAAAAAAZkY/sMXloxBBgiYRnzc6FnVq49UqvfHyndF9gCLcB/s320/20160729_091619%255B1%255D.jpg" width="320" /></a>Overall, though, the party was average and I wouldn't return. I met a few amazing people but mostly the crowd was very "Joburg" in their attitude and that really irritated me. The music was average and the journey to get there was really a painful mission. But it was still a good once off experience.<br />
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Next year.... I really hope to do the European trance scene. I'd love to go to Ozora in 2017 and Boom in 2018. And although I valued the time to myself, I really did miss some of my core people. But I guess you have to miss people sometimes to really appreciate them. Yalla. :)<br />
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xx<br />
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<br />anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-78542597294807819852016-07-22T01:33:00.002+02:002023-09-22T09:34:00.450+02:00Diamonds and pearls<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Well that was a long time coming. I've finally given away all my old jewelry. Literally... almost twenty years worth of crap. Gah!<br />
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Just from the picture above, I can pick up a few stories. There were a few beaded necklaces from a very dear friend of mine when I left my first job in 2007. There's some pearls that I bought to wear to church. There's the white beaded necklace when I decided to go hippy. There's the evil claw when I was a little goth in high school. There's some beads from my grandmother. And a necklace that I got gifted at Afrikaburn "Archetypes".<br />
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There's a whole bunch of stuff that I bought because it was cheap and on sale and I wanted to feel good for a little bit, when clothes didn't fit or I couldn't afford anything else. Crap that I didnt even wear once because the thrill was temporary. Good bye.<br />
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The heart shaped box was a gift that I left for my ex-husband because I had to go away on a business trip over Valentines' Day, probably around 2008. And during that holiday away, I was chatting to some other guys on gtalk. I was not in a good space. I got divorced later that year. (And literally..... I was in Polokwane!)<br />
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And I see some beads I got at the Turkey airport in 2012 and then I found that you can get them here as well. Bah. And that blue necklace from university days that I would wear constantly for years...<br />
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So much crap. I'm glad I got to gift it to the Bedazzled camp at Afrikaburn. And it's all now gone and I have more space and can actually see what I have. Lots more to clean up and clear out.<br />Onwards!<br />
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~anibanitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-78078701732171186892016-07-07T13:37:00.002+02:002016-07-07T17:41:52.096+02:00What is homeApparently this week's <a href="http://chaninicholas.com/2016/07/new-moon-in-cancer-horoscopes-for-the-week-of-july-4th/">new moon</a> is <a href="http://chaninicholas.com/2016/07/caring-for-our-needs-the-new-moon-in-cancer/">in Cancer</a>... which is all about home, whether that means physically, spiritually or emotionally. Ah Home. Where art thou?<br />
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I've always struggled with finding a place where I feel completely at home - whether that is with friends or family or society in general. I've always felt like I've never fit in anywhere.<br />
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I do have a sense of family with my trance community but it's mostly limited to the party events. There are very few that translate to my real world and that's ok with me, I suppose. I've had a few work colleagues that I've felt "at home" with but, at the moment, I dont have that feeling.<br />
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I also dont get that family feeling from Afrikaburn friends. I admire many of the people that work and play in that space, but it's not the same kind of feeling for me. However I do feel like the place is a great space for me to explore my space in the world. There is something special that I get from being there that I cant really define or explain. It's challenging for me on many levels.... and I feel like it helps.... something.<br />
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So one of the projects from Afrikaburn 2016 was this very simple place where you just wrote and shared your story. My very simplified story is here on <a href="http://www.thisiconfess.org/the-story-of-ani-b/">This I Confess</a>, It's a rough description of the way I felt when I left my husband and the life that I felt I was "supposed to lead." It's still a work in progress, of course.<br />
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Because I also wrote this....<br />
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<a href="http://www.thisiconfess.org/short">This I Confess - Short Confessions</a></div>
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It's actually from a song lyric from Adele's <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aKteL3vMvU">All I Ask</a>. I still have Adele on repeat and that lyric still makes me quiver. Because.. what if that's it? Sigh.<br />
I just found it really sweet that this was one of the few cards that people decided to respond to. So maybe there's hope. :)<br />
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I try not to think about it too much... but having a someone to come "home" to, is something I really miss. I know I'm a better person when I can share and give love... and I feel rather empty without this in my life. It just makes me sad that I cant find someone.... and someone cant find me.<br />
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This is why I listen to sad music....<br />
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Yep.<br />
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I also saw this quote today.... and I'm just going to sit with it....<br />
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<span style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i><span style="line-height: 21px;">âI want to know if you've touched the center of your own sorrow, if you've been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.â </span><span style="line-height: 21px;">â </span><a class="authorOrTitle" href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/101574.Oriah_Mountain_Dreamer" style="font-weight: bold; line-height: 21px; text-decoration: none;">Oriah Mountain Dreamer</a></i></span></span></blockquote>
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Because some days... like today... I feel shriveled up and closed. I just told my friend G that my life feels like I'm watching a movie. I feel happy and sad and joy and everything.... but deep down I know it's not all real.<br />
How fucked up is that shit?<br />
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Maybe it's just one of those days.<br />
Bleh.<br />
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xx<br />
~anib<br />
<br />anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-76860253090579993672016-06-03T17:42:00.000+02:002016-06-15T17:49:20.548+02:00Annie, are you OK?<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">
This week.... what a fucking rollercoaster. I was majorly pissed off that I didn't get to see my therapist last week but I just kept bottling up my feelings of anger until I exploded and almost fucked up a really important relationship to me. I really hate it when I do that. And I do it a lot.</div>
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Before the explosion, I felt this song pretty deeply. I could actually listen to Adele forever on repeat... but it's probably not healthy for me. Still.... the river lea is strong with me. </div>
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<i style="background-color: white;"><span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Everybody tells me it's 'bout time that I moved on</span></span></i></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">And I need to learn to lighten up and learn how to be young</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">But my heart is a valley, it's so shallow and man made</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">I'm scared to death if I let you in that you'll see I'm just a fake</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Sometimes I feel lonely in the arms of your touch</span></i></span></div>
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<span style="color: purple; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><i style="background-color: white;"><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">But I know that's just me cause nothing ever is enough</span></i></span></div>
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And all these feelings kept swirling around my head and I just could not find a way to express them. </div>
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I kept saying "never mind" when asked about it. </div>
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And, I think, the best thing I heard all week was: I mind. *mind blown*</div>
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And this was the second best thing I heard.... <3 p=""></3></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><iframe allowfullscreen="" class="YOUTUBE-iframe-video" data-thumbnail-src="https://i.ytimg.com/vi/uljuZ7gx1i8/0.jpg" frameborder="0" height="266" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/uljuZ7gx1i8?feature=player_embedded" width="320"></iframe></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Annie, are you OK?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">So, Annie, are you OK?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Are you OK, Annie?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Annie, are you OK?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">So, Annie, are you OK?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Are you OK, Annie?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Annie, are you OK?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">So, Annie, are you OK?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Are you OK, Annie?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Annie, are you OK?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">So, Annie, are you OK,?</span><br style="box-sizing: border-box; font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;" /><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;">Are you OK, Annie?</span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: white;"><i><span style="color: #a64d79; font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 13.4px; line-height: 19.1429px;"><br /></span></span></i></span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">Guys... I am so ok. I'm loved and liked and more than tolerated by some really special people... even when I'm being a bitchy stupid emo drama princess. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">Like how did I even get that lucky? </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">Ja. It's been a flippen journey. </span></div>
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<span style="text-align: left;">#blessed</span></div>
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~anibanitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-44218279767823085812016-05-25T18:37:00.001+02:002016-05-25T18:41:41.462+02:00Something about May<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="font-family: "arial" , "helvetica" , sans-serif; line-height: 18px;"><span style="font-size: x-small;">Cape Town in May by AJ Venter</span></span></blockquote>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">There is something about Cape Town in May<br />When you hardly get a sunny day<br />But everyone you get, is the reason why you stay.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">There is something about Cape Town in Winter<br />When the day is a small, short toffee center<br />wrapped in a long nightâs splendor.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">There is something about Cape Town in your arms<br />when you drive away the cold with your warmth<br />and nothing can get to me or cause me any harm.</span></div>
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</header>May. Post Afrikaburn depression.... Mid-Autumn depression.... Death anniversaries... the start of the mid year slump .... and no fucking cuddle buddy again this year. Fun.<br />
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So, yes. Afrikaburn was lovely this year. I slept a lot, met so many interesting people and actually relaxed and had a sober(ish) fun time with real friends. I'm lucky and grateful for that. I still dont know why I go though.... but I do. And it helps..... something.<br />
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It's getting colder and darker in Cape Town. And while it's been lovely having an excuse to stay home and watch crappy movies, I do miss people and sun and parties.... sometimes.<br />
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And then death. Blah. Dad's death anniversary is tomorrow. 2012 feels like a lifetime ago at times. And, at other times, well... all the feels. At least I'm better than I was back then. Four years of radical self improvement, including four burns and countless trance parties and clown training and many many hours of therapy. God, I cant wait until therapy tomorrow.<br />
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But I'm better. At least I can acknowledge today that I am angry and sad and jealous.<br />
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And then there's boys and the distinct lack of action. I got kissed at Afrikaburn (not romantically though) but the idea was there and it was fun. And now I'm in the mood for it.... but not for relationships. I think. Maybe. I dont know.<br />
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Still, being around other relationships is making me feel grumpy and unhappy and inadequate. And that sucks. Fun.<br />
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Ok. I've got nothing more to add to this. I will talk about it in therapy tomorrow.<br />
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~anib<br />
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anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-31407501045019502972016-04-04T16:27:00.003+02:002016-04-04T16:27:49.741+02:00Time Marches On*edit* this post was meant to go out in March... obviously. edited 4.4.2016.<br />
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Get it? It's a March joke. March. WTF. How did that happen?<br />
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Feels like time is rushing along after a very slow start to the year in January. I dont really know what I've been busy with but I was looking forward to a break away at the end of March/Easter time in Johannesburg. I went to see my new niece which was nice. The break was good but the job needed me and decided I was a key person risk. Ha.<br />
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I'm undecided about my future at the company and what I want but I dont have time to worry about it at the moment. Everything feels busy. I dont like that. Feels stressful.<br />
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But I also have a temporary awesome house mate who makes week evenings so much more interesting. So very grateful for the people that get me. It feels rare... mainly because I dont open up easily, I guess. But I do appreciate it (but trying not to get too attached to it. ho hum,)<br />
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Other than some temporary distractions that are more trouble than they are worth (grumble), things are actually fine. I'm just tired. And still ridiculously insecure about friendships and things. Which doesn't make logical sense, I know. I had a pretty amazing time at Altered States party where I introduced some good friends to my trance family. And it was good. So so good. But I just want more.... all the time. Because it never feels enough. Bleh.<br />
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OK. March 2016. Done.<br />
April is Afrikaburn prep time. And then "nothing" really to look forward to until December.... ish.<br />
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I just really miss my friend. Meh.<br />
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~anib<br />
xx<br />
<br />anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8702081301018362617.post-67191239235863600312016-02-09T14:56:00.002+02:002016-02-09T15:01:25.220+02:00DatesYesterday was my ex wedding anniversary. We had the ceremony on 8th February 2013 but we actually signed the register on 14th February. How very..... *puke*. Heh... ok it kinda sweet at the time but I'm really not in the mood for love and romance at the moment. And yet....<br />
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Last week, I had to say no to a very tempting but <a href="http://stumblingani.blogspot.co.za/2016/02/past-things.html">inappropriate offer</a>. To keep myself safe (and sane), I've been trying to stay away. But as we eke closer to V day and the nights get lonelier and I'm just tired and stressed and.... I cant control the bad thoughts that are being debated in my head.<br />
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It's also been 90 days (I worked it out) since I've communicated with <i>him</i>. He's written to me (briefly) but it's really just pissed me off more than anything because it was just one liners and not an essay long declaration of his love for me. I dont ask for much... I think?<br />
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A dear friend said that I deserved so much better than these scraps. But do I? Really? I really dont know anymore. This seems to be "it" and all I can get my hands on.... so maybe I should settle. Again.<br />
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Yeah yeah.<br />
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Meh. I should be concentrating on my super important job that could change my life instead of silly boys and their lack of commitment.<br />
I'm just constantly tired at the time with no good reason. Suppose I should sleep and sort out vitamin B12 shot.<br />
Oh and stop worrying.<br />
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Yeah yeah.<br />
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~anib<br />
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<br />anitabhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07650344510891276730noreply@blogger.com0