stumbling ani

Unintended

2012-01-20T14:49:00.000-08:00

Riddle me this.

How do you go from this.....

to this...

????

Life goes on... but yeah... some things still suck.
#thatisall

Going on holiday

2011-12-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

The last time I went away on holiday was in December 2008 with my friend to her family home on the Vaal River in Sasolburg. Since then I've been through a pretty horrible couple of years... getting divorced, being unemployed and generally trying to sort my life out.

So I cant express how ecstatic I am to be going on holiday this Christmas. It will be my first time away from my family for Christmas and New Years so it will be a little sad (for my mom :P). But I'm really very excited.

I'll be flying to Durban airport on Thursday evening and then driving to Sodwana Bay with a friend. I'll be staying at Natural Moments and will hopefully go on a dive at Sodwana Bay and visit Lake Sibaya. There are also a couple of special people I'd like to see in Sodwana and I cant wait to finally meet them.

We will be going to Ponta de Ouro (Place of Gold) in Mozambique for New Year's Eve and I have a dolphin swim planned at Dolphin Encounters for the 2 January. So excited!!!!

It's actually a very short trip but it's going to be lots of fun.
Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year's to all.
xx

Spotlight

2011-11-29T13:51:00.000-08:00

Well, I don’t like living under your spotlight

Just because you think I might find somebody worthy oh oh oh

Well, I don’t like living under your spotlight

Baby if you treat me right, you won’t have to worry

I was on a boat on the Vaal River in Sasolburg when I decided that this was the song. This was the song that said it all. This was the reason I left my marriage in 2008. This was what I didn't want anymore: to be in someone's shadow.

But, for some reason, I did it again... and again.
The truth is, I'm petrified of the spotlight.


Spot light by leepro

There's an element of laziness to it. It's easier to hide in the shadows.
There's definite fear. Putting yourself "out there" means you could get hurt.
There's a clear anxiety that I'll make mistakes and everyone will then know I'm not perfect. OMG...!

*breathes*

But still...
I keep trying.
I keep demanding and wanting more.
Despite the fear, I keep fighting for my piece.
I want my light.. and not just a moment.
I want a place and I want it all.

It still hurts

2011-11-28T11:33:00.001-08:00

It's been three years since I filed for divorce. It's been a tumultuous couple of years... and it's still not finalised. It's tiring. I've been challenged emotionally so many times that I often feel like I just cant deal with any more on my plate. Throw in a couple more broken relationships along the way and I'm really a stumbling wreck.

But on I go... pretending?
Maybe just hanging in there... doing the best that I can.

I've gone through all the emotions. I've been angry and sad and given up many times. Surely, by now, I should be done with all of this? I should feel nothing. But, today, while talking to a new colleague about the drama, I realised.... I'm still hurt.

There are a couple of things that still sting from that breakup. The big thing was that he didn't think I'd be a good mother. Growing up, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mother. Now? I know nothing for sure.

I think he could actually be right about that though. Everyone I've loved and cared about in some way has grown to hate me.. .or, worse, has grown indifferent and "abandoned" me (Yes, I'm allowed to be melodramatic here). Yeah, people change and we all grow apart... but I just dont think I'm a very good friend. Or girlfriend, if we're being brutally honest.

I'm far too selfish and self absorbed. They say that when you have a kid, you change. I was hoping that would happen. I dont want to be self absorbed... but when there's no one to take care of, what am I supposed to do? Right now, I'm just not emotionally connected to anyone and I feel a deep need to. It bothers me. It makes me feel empty. But maybe I should just be on my own for a while longer until I figure out how to be loveable.

I'm also still hurt by his betrayal. I know that I betrayed him too... but I just always expected him to always love me. Yes, I still believed in love... even when I had fallen out of love. I'm not sure I believe in anything anymore. I dont like being this cynical.. but I am. I dont know what else to be right now.

I feel bad that I hurt him. He did love me. Or maybe he just liked the idea of a wife. I once found a list that he made of pros and cons of being married to me. It was difficult to read. I think it's harder to believe he didn't actually love me.

I hate how I still feel bad about doing what was best for me.
I hate how I still make excuses for his behaviour.
I hate that I will never ever feel good enough for the best.

*breathes*

It still hurts.
I want that to stop.

What child is this?

2011-06-27T08:29:00.000-07:00

So.. feel free to judge me or whatever.. but when one is at a hippy "do", you do hippy things. I wouldn't say I'm a hippy. I'm far too cynical about supernatural shit these days... but sometimes... sometimes.

Ok, so I was at this "hey shoo wow" festival thing and I paid a psychic to tell me my fortune.
I didn't have any burning questions, but she was looking at my cards and asked me immediately why I didn't want to get married again. She said there was this nice, intelligent man with a pure heart that was interested in me... but I was pushing him away. There's only one person I know that had shown interest... and I didn't really believe it was "real'.... so.... I was a bit shocked. +

But there was more... a lot more.
I asked some basic questions about work... and got the answers I needed.
And then I decided to be brave and ask about family. She looked again at this man.... but said he couldn't give me children (TMI but he's been snipped).
But she saw a little girl.
The girl is already on this planet.
I will be adopting her soon....

*deep breathe*

I was just.... oh my god.. I SO wanted this to be true.
At first I thought she was talking about Little Rose but she is no longer here...
I dont know how or what or why... but I feel like I should be a mother.
Could I be so wrong? Again??
I dont know.... but this just feels right.

A few other things of interest, I'll be in a new job next year and I'll be visiting Australia but I wont emigrate from South Africa. That's all I remember....

But I just care about the baby girl.
Please please please.... let that be true.
*sigh*

+ I subsequently gave the nice man a chance... and have been having LOTS of fun. And not just fun fun.... but the emotional stuff is good too. Not sure about the future though. It could be amazing... we'll see... we'll see.

Dolly and the Rockers

2011-05-05T13:42:00.000-07:00

this is a copy paste job from my SU blog from 27 April 2008:

Let me explain the story with me and Dolly.
I asked Mom to buy me the new Kylie Minogue album for my birthday. The locomotion, baby.. everybody was doing it. :P
Now, my mom couldn't speak or read English, so I asked her to look for the album with the girl with big blonde hair.
I guess it was an honest mistake...

lol.
But this was the second time my mom had done this to me. I remember when I asked for a Barbie doll.. and she got me freaking Dana. I mean.. come on..she's a brunette! She's the one on the left (like you didn't know). Mine had an orange top with blue pants and orange earrings. Urgh.

But enough about my childhood trauma... (Oh, I did eventually get a Barbie... but I never really liked her. Meh. And I never did get that Kylie album.)

So, because I'm such a nice person (no really, i am :P)... I accepted the Dolly Album with a smile.
And I listened..
and I loved.

Now. Jolene. It's a great song.
This version is strong and powerful. Compare it to this sweet and innocent version.
And this is just so cool.
Enjoy.
:)

*update 2011: Dolly still rocks my world.

not a believer

2011-02-21T12:49:00.000-08:00

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

*delete delete delete*

I thought love was more or less a givin' thing,
Seems the more I gave the less I got.
What's the use in tryin'?
All you get is pain.
When I needed sunshine I got rain.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Buck up!

~ ani

Linger

2011-01-02T14:21:00.000-08:00

Linger by*eiahmiki @ DeviantArt.com

Our brains are pretty amazing. We're one of the few mammals that can grasp the concept of a past, present and future. I'm particularly interested in memories and how our brains can trick us... or how we (consciously or not) can trick the brain back.

I dont know much about the psychology of memories, but I know that every time you think about something, you create a link in your brain to it. The more you think about it, the stronger that link becomes. Which is why it's often difficult to forget the things that we want to forget... because we keep thinking about them!

"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." ~Michel de Montaigne

It's true that what you resist, persists. So, why can't we just stop?! Urgh! Because we're also emotional creatures with active imaginations. The problem with a memory is that you forget the bits that you didn't like and you're often left with a rosy view of the past. It's natural... but it can be dangerous.

So.. as the year ended a couple of days ago.... I went through the year that was, picking at certain memories. There are so many things that I wish I hadn't experienced... so many mistakes... so much unnecessary crap that I put myself through. There was good stuff too: amazing new and renewed friendships, an awe-inspiring World Cup, a quiet confidence that I've never had before.

There are still a few memories that catch me off-guard and it still hits me hard when I remember a certain pain, a betrayal, a lack of caring... I choose to keep remembering those because I want to learn. I dont want to go back there... so I have to learn from the pain.
I want to remember it all, so that I can learn to be thankful and grateful for ALL of life's experiences.
I want to be better and do better.
And, eventually, I do want the memories that hurt to go away and not linger in the back of my head.
I really want to.. and I will.. in time.
For now... they linger...
But not for long... I promise.

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong

Happy 2011.
May you be brave enough to remember.
xx

Lessons from a cat

2010-11-20T07:54:00.000-08:00

We dont really have cats. We have these stray cats that have kinda decided to make our garden their home. And my mom feeds them so... they haven't gone away.

But they're not really our pets... they dont have names, they dont let us pet them, they dont come inside (unless they want to steal food from the kitchen or scratch my mom's curtains).
But still.. they've become a part of the family... like a second cousin twice removed... we know each other, but we dont do hugs.

Anyway, so we've dubbed one of them "Tiger" because um.. she looks like a tiger.
She was always my favourite and is really a beauty with her brown and orange stripes.
But she's pretty vicious and prone to hiss at us if we try to approach her. She is the wildest one in the bunch and not very social with the other cats, choosing to keep to herself mostly.
I love her anyway. :) (Gee, I wonder why...?)

Tiger Kitten by ~Jinx-Pantax-Kun

One of the other cats has had some kittens. One of them died inexplicably, but the surviving kitten is a gem. She's a pretty little fluffy grey kitten and, since she's still small, I can pick her up and play with her. Although she really just wants to sleep most of the time. Aww.. too cute for words.

Since the little one has lost her sibling, she's been pouncing on the other cats, looking for someone to play with. The other cats just tolerate the little one, but, we've been amazed to see Tiger's response to her.
It looks like the vicious and feisty Tiger has become a bit of a big sister to the little one. Actually, she seems more like a surrogate mom the way they always sleep together.
It looks like the baby has tamed the wild tiger.

*pause*

Somewhere in the back of my head, I still hear my ex-husband telling me I wouldn't be a good mother. He had some good reasons: I'm pretty disorganised sometimes (even for an accountant), I'm not a great housekeeper (couldn't even keep my house after my divorce!) and a whole bunch of other things that I try not to remember.

I wonder why I do still remember.. and why I let myself believe that for such a long time.
When I did eventually fall pregnant... I was petrified.. but I knew I loved Little Rose much more than I ever thought I could.
And that was enough.
I knew I was enough... because I loved her... completely.
I would be better, do better... do anything... for her.
Alas, it wasn't to be, but.... I did become a better person.
I left the man that made me feel that I would never be enough.
Even now, with this kitten in my lap and nothing else to my name, I'm better than I was.

*rowr*

Well, back to Tiger... I really loved seeing the change in her.
And I love seeing the change in me.
And I know.. one day... I will be tamed...
by the right person, at the right time...
and maybe just maybe...
I'll be a momma cat.

*purr*

Tiger by ~fennecx

A reason to stay

2010-11-16T15:06:00.000-08:00

I've been reading a few other bloggers "30 days of Truth" blogs. I did mine in 30 minutes.
One of the questions was: "Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life?"

I just came across this link on Facebook from someone I would never guess had ever been through depression or even considered suicide. There are many things that people say to be nice, to be kind, to try to help... but, I'm afraid most of them feel more like a way to make you shut up.

I've heard some of these lines...
“Have you tried camomile tea?”
“You don’t *look* depressed!
"Go out and help people and you won’t have time to brood…”

“Why don’t you give up going to these quacks (ie doctors) and throw out those pills, then you’ll feel better.”

One of the big ones are: You need something to look forward to, something to hold onto.

I'm very happy for moms and dads that have kids that "pulled them through" the dark parts of their life. And everyone has these amazing friends and family that are "there for them"...

I'm very happy for you.

But what if you don't have that.

Well, obviously you rely on you.

And that just sucks.

30 Days of Truth

2010-11-05T08:10:00.000-07:00

So, everyone in SA blogging land is doing this meme. I decided to do it all in one post...

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
My body.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself
My sometimes twisted, sometimes dark, sometimes dorky sense of humour.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Letting some people down.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I think I've forgiven everyone I was angry with and that hurt me.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Make a difference.... maybe even leave the world a better place.

Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Lose a child.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
No one in particular.. but people seem to pop up when I need them.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
The men I used to love. All of them.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I used to hold onto people for longer than I needed to. I'm getting better at letting things go when their time is up. No regrets on that.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
No one in my life right now.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
I dont remember those types of things. Refer Day 2.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
I've never been told I should be a supermodel. Refer Day 1.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Alanis Morissette, Alicia Keyes, Mariza. Sing it, sisters.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Dont think I have any. I admire people for just being real.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
The Internet. Seriously... I've tried. I NEED to be connected...

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Oh, lots of irritating and stupid people but it's not very nice to name and shame. I just quietly ignore... mostly. Or rant about it on Twitter. ;)

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Hmm.. so many. I'll pick Supernature by Lyall Watson because I liked the link he made between nature and the supernatural. It lead me onto an interesting exploration of science and "new age stuff" when I was about 18. These days, I'm far too cynical to believe in anything, though.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Go for it. Though I'm actually rather anti-marriage in general.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Religion is the opium of the masses. Great for other people, I guess... just leave me out of it.
And politics is great entertainment... as long as they dont have too much power to influence my life.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I have never done any drugs. None. Ever.
Alcohol is ok although I really dont like the taste. I still prefer cooldrinks.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Get to the hospital. Bygones.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Wasted time and money at university.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Wish I'd hopped on a plane and left everything when I had the chance.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
This will take too long... some other time. But I might just play "waka waka" for @al_ice ;)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because I haven't done anything yet... though I'm not sure how many more chances I'll be given.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes, often. Because I dont know what to do with myself, mainly. And, sometimes because the pain seems more than the good stuff.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Um... my sense of humour. Keeps me sane-ish.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I'd have to find me a donkey and get myself to Bethlehem, I guess.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Would be nice if I was nicer to myself. Working on it.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Refer Day 2 and Day 27. That's it, ok?

A look back at Masks

2010-11-01T19:03:00.000-07:00

It looks like Halloween is done and dusted.

The costumes and masks have been put away.. and people can be themselves again.

However, I just see people in different costumes and masks.

It still amazes me how much effort people spend on "looking good" for other people.

How often do we say that things are just fine... when they're not.

How many times do we pretend, do we lie, do we hide our true feelings?

Are you happy doing that?

Well, I stumbled onto this post on StumbleUpon that I wrote in 2007 (although the actual event took place in 1999) that still rings true. Extract from here:

"many moons ago, i attended a dress up party as snow white.
how funny, people said, cause you're just like snow white... all sweet and innocent.

and.. well... by now you should know how much i hate being typecast as anything...
....
so... i decided to try out whiskey.
drank too much and made out with some strange guy.

but no one noticed.
and no one really cared what i did....
except me.

and so i learned...
don't let other people determine who or what you are....
just be you."

And i'm still learning.

When will I ever learn?!

The Secret

2010-10-31T03:47:00.000-07:00

The Secret by =Eibo-Jeddah

this is what i like about poetry.

and hope.

and you.

Two girls discover
the secret of life
in a sudden line of
poetry.

I, who don't know the
secret, wrote
the line. They
told me

(through a third person)
they had found it
but not what it was
not even

what line it was. No doubt
by now, more than a week
later, they have forgotten
the secret,

the line, the name of
the poem. I love them
for finding what
I can't find,

and for loving me
for the line I wrote,
and for forgetting it
so that

a thousand times, till death
finds them, they may
discover it again, in other
lines

in other
happenings. And for
wanting to know it,
for

assuming there is
such a secret, yes,
for that
most of all.

~Denise Levertov

The Ugly Duckling

2010-10-24T07:56:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure how I stumbled onto this video but wow.. I remember it well. Good memories. :)

I have a soft spot in my heart for the little ugly duckling. Of course, I've always felt like one... not just in the "ugly" part (really, spare me the platitudes) but also the "not fitting in anywhere" part.

As a kid, I would wonder about my dear family and imagine great scenes of being switched at birth. Even now, watching them enjoying the WWE wrestling marathon on TV makes me question my origins. But we learn to live with our families and their quirks... eventually. At least you can choose your friends.... ha!

But still, even with friends, I dont quite fit into any group. Throughout my life, I've always done things just a little bit differently to everyone else. So, when I did the goth thing, I painted my nails blue instead of black. At university, I was the only BCom(Acc) student that did "The Sociology of Human Reproduction" for extra credit. I can head bang to death metal and, afterwards, very happily groove to a Michael Jackson tune.

I know... I'm a little weird like that. I dont regret any of these things and I'm glad that I'm now brave enough to express myself in any way that I choose. There are people around me that have enough heart to just let me be me. But still...

It would be nice to feel like you belong somewhere. It would be nice to know that someone needs you. It would be pretty freaking awesome if someone wanted you, without needing anything from you.

*breathes*

It would be nice... to be a duck.

from Wikipedia

Friends through the ages

2010-10-21T12:37:00.000-07:00

I've always had a difficult time defining what a real friend is.

It's very easy to make friends as a kid. You both like My Little Pony and Take That (oh, dont judge me :P), you tell each other secrets and you share your lunch at school. I miss primary school.

And then high school happens. As friends, you bond over people you hate (the blonde "Debbie's") and music that you love (Nirvana & Pearl Jam). You try to fit in and then you try to be independent. You're a kid, trying to be an adult. For the first time, you fight and stand up for yourself. The other girls gossip, some people take sides, and sometimes friends break up. High school girls are mean.

Once all that drama is over, hopefully you're able to go out into the world and find out who you are. You can develop your own tastes in music, without looking at what's cool (I like the Parlotones, OK?!). You can choose who you want to spend your time with. You dont have to try to "fit in" or hang around people you dont really like. But do you?

I've found that most people "in the real world" still act very much like high school. They hang out with people that are "cool" and are so afraid to be themselves lest they get kicked out of the group. I've always loved the online world because I can choose my circle of friends with one click of a button. I've realised that other people cant be that "ruthless" and will hold onto "friends" for all sorts of reasons other than real friendship.

As much time as I spend online, I know very clearly who my real friends are. I pay no attention to the numbers game on the various social networks because I can count on my hands the number of people that I really trust and love. Included in that number are people that I've never met on the other side of the world and some that I haven't spoken to in months. All the people I've encountered have had some impact on my life and I treasure them for it.

In the real world, it's much more difficult to meet new people. I've relied on Twitter for my social network and it's been fun for a while. But, right now, I need to have more quality than quantity. I understand that it takes a lot more time and effort and I understand that. I'm not an easy person to get to know but if you want to know me, just ask. I'm feeling just a little jaded by some bad things that have happened, but I'll try not to bite.

So this is my new criteria for friendship: You dont need to like the same music I like. You don't need to share your lunch or even hate the people I hate. All you really need to do is learn to understand and know me, be honest with me at all times and make me laugh. Ok, and you can also buy me a drink once in a while. ;)

*edit: miss you alice. xx
(and boni and sollune and dsc)

Love is all that I can give to you

2010-10-10T17:06:00.000-07:00

The song goes like this...

L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore

My relationships are more like...

L is for the way you look me up online
O is for the only offer I've had in a while so I accept
V is very, very bad mistake
E is even though it sucks, I blame myself

and after a divorce?

L is for the only way I'll look at you is with a court order
O is for the only way we can talk is via a lawyer
V is very, very frustrating
E is expensive life-long lesson

And what about good friends?

L is for the way you look past my weaknesses
O is for the OJ and vodka when I feel like crap

V is very, very healing
E is exactly what I needed right now

I love my friends.

^_^

Take it away Nat...

Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you

Snowflake

2010-10-01T09:15:00.000-07:00

Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Ah.. to be young and idiotic... I remember it well. It was so much easier back then.. to not care.. or not pretend to care. If you build a wall big enough around you, no one can ever hurt you again, right? Yeah, right.

Of course we're all just organic matter, hurtling through space without any rhyme or reason but we're also human. And one of our basic human needs is love and affection. I know... you can all puke now.

But it's true. I don't know why people try to hide this fact from others. We all feel the same way. In this respect, we're not "special snowflakes" because we all want and need the same things.

We need people in our lives. Life is meant to be shared with others and to be full of joy and companionship. I'm not even talking about romantic companionship here. I know how lonely those can feel and I've learnt very quickly that one true friend is sometimes all you need. It helps to have someone to share your hopes and dreams, your fears and insecurities, your laughter and tears.

I know how hard it can be to feel like no one cares. I know how lonely it can be when you dont know who to turn to. I've been amazed at the love I've received from friends and strangers alike. I strive to be there for those that are in need because there is nothing like the feeling of giving back.

I've been touched this week by some amazing people. In giving and receiving, I've learned so much about love. I urge you all to reach out to someone in need... or, if you're in need... ask for help. I promise... it will be worth the effort.

Fly far away

2010-09-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here.

~ From: Forrest Gump

Ever feel like you want to run away, fly away... to just go somewhere that's not where you are?

I've tried running away many times... and it never works.

When I left my husband, I flew away with a friend to the Vaal River.

Recently, I was willing to give up everything and fly away to Mozambique.

My whole life feels like a marathon sometimes.. and I'm out of breathe.

I'm tired... but I keep going...

I know that I can't keep running away from things.
I'm trying to be brave and face it all.

But I'm also not running towards anything.
I'm just standing.

Granted, this can be an achievement when all you feel like doing is falling... but still.

We all want something more, don't we?

I spoke in my last post about my lack of goals.
The thing is.. the only thing I've ever wanted is love.

There's something tragic about a Leo that's not in Love.

Our hearts are as big as the sun... but we really do need to have people to care about.

I know that love is "there for the taking" and that you have to "give in order to receive".

But, right now.. I just dont wanna.

I dont want to put myself out there. I dont want to look my best. I dont want to do anything.

I just want to fly... so high.

And if that means I miss out on love... then so be it.

I want to be unbreakable.

edit: thanks to my friend alice for this tune which makes sense to me. :)

Scar Tissue

2010-09-27T02:41:00.000-07:00

I like to pick at scabs.
I wasn't too worried about it and was just going to mention it to move onto the (in my opinion) bigger problem of scratching old emotional wounds but trust the internet to make me feel like it could be a bigger problem.

Ok, so I don't think I'm OCD about it, but some of the things in this article ring true.

Picking scabs is a remarkably self-perpetuating way to act out obsessive-compulsive tendencies that often signal an underlying, often as-yet-undiagnosed mood or anxiety disorder..

Well, I know all about anxiety. I've been feeling more than a little bit anxious about life. Who wouldn't with impending foreclosures, a volatile ex-husband that can strike at any moment, a serious lack of goals, joy and money... and not enough shoes and other pretty things (in no particular order of importance, of course).

Being without money means that you cant get medication for anxiety. And if you try to do the right thing and just "work through it", your work turns out crap which just makes you feel like crap. Feeling crap means that you dont feel like doing anything else, whether that means looking for work or looking for pleasure, leaving you feeling even worse. Self-perpetuating? Tick!

But wait.. there's more...:

Habitual picking of scabs is classified in the group of psychological disorders associated with self-harm, such as deliberate skin cutting....

Ah well... I know all about self harm. Many MANY moons ago, I would punish myself physically for my perceived "sins". I still do it, from time to time, but in smaller ways these days. I stop eating.. or I eat too much "bad stuff". I sleep to avoid the world.. or I stop sleeping to push myself to exhaustion. I push good and nice people away. I let destructive people in. I hate doing all of these things.. but I do them when I'm in "desperation mode".

the habit..(is) a way to relieve the pent-up frustrations or fears when other ways of dealing with conflict are not effective. Feeling that verbal communications are ineffective leave the scab picker feeling there is no other way to express the emotional turmoil going on inside.

And that's why I'm here, I guess. To express the feelings and fears that I cannot express verbally. Except I dont really know what I'm feeling or what I should do about me. I feel myself shutting down communication.. and I worry about it... a lot.

As I alluded to in the opening paragraph, I also go back over old emotional wounds. I wonder about impossible questions like "what if?", "why now?", "why me?" and sometimes "why not me?"
I ask the questions.. but get no answers.
I guess I'm just stuck.
Or maybe I'm exactly where I should be... healing.

More on scars from Wikipedia:

Scars are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin (or other tissue) after injury or disease...Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process.(edited)

So.. there's a wild idea. Maybe if I just leave these scars alone, they'll actually heal and I'll be able to finally move on. I'm still not sure how I should do this... but I'm going to try. The alternative is just not a pretty sight.

And now for the real reason behind this post: Cue the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

A cry, a smile, a dance

2010-09-06T13:43:00.000-07:00

I stumbled onto this old post and a poem that I posted more than a year ago... (before everything!):

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

By Rumi, Translation by Coleman Barks

I'll be honest... I've been having some pretty dark thoughts recently. It was a combination of some very depressing things... but basically I lost all hope of ever getting somewhere.

I feel like I'm constantly banging my head against a mountain... and I got tired of fighting.

I gave up on life.

And then... I dont know what it was... the quiet confidence of friends saying without words "I believe in you", the fact that the sun was determined to shine no matter how long I slept and hid behind closed curtains, or the fact that I quickly ran out of DVD's to watch after my three days in bed. *chuckle* (But seriously.. I need more movies, guys. Hook me up!)

I don't know what it was... but today I decided to step outside. I was prepared to run back into my coccoon... but I didn't. I talked with friends, I smiled... I even laughed and danced a little. Oh, I did cry as well, of course... but what's life without a cry, a smile.. a dance. (cue Judith Sephuma.)

So... these last couple of dark days have been cleared out.
There will be others... and I will greet them with as much love as I can next time.
I have a bit of hope back and I am ready.

Bring it on.

^_^

the abyss

2010-08-31T12:48:00.000-07:00

i like pictures.
i find that i can express myself better with images than with words.
which is why i love my StumbleUpon page and collect the best images here.
so i was stumbled this image by a friend.. and it just felt... familiar.
this is what my life feels like.
a happy little girl enjoying a care-free life...
but with the ever present dark, horrible abyss not very far away...
and i can see it.. and know that it's there... but i have to just keep on swinging...
or something like that.
*emo sigh*

Image

Hug a cynic today

2010-08-23T15:48:00.000-07:00

I think I'm turning into a cynic.

I literally puke if someone uses the word "boyf". *puke*
I look at newly formed couples and think... "why have they settled for this?"
I look at newly married couples and hope they have a pre-nup and that she kept her name and her own bank account... and don't sign a bond together.
Ok, so I speak from a few bad experiences. I guess it's kinda understandable how I feel.
But I don't want to live with a closed, battered and bruised heart.

I've tried very hard to keep my trust in mankind.. but man always seems to find a way of letting me down. And yes, in this case... it is mostly the men. (Although the women are often just as bad...)
I realise that this makes me difficult to approach and interact with. Who wants to approach someone with distrust in their eyes?
But this is how I feel: I dont trust.

anenome

I do believe (and hope, a bit) that it is a temporary backlash to a time in my life when my love and trust was abused. I feel like a bit of an anemone... open and trusting until someone gets too close and then I close up tight.
I think it's just going to have to take someone truly special to get through some of my tentacles.
Or maybe it will just take time.. and I will change my attitude.
I dont know.

I just know that I'm not "putting myself out there", not checking out the cute guy in the corner, not trying to be nice and approachable... and I'm not "looking". And I'm kinda ok with that.
I'll admit that I'm looking forward to Mozambique where I can start all over, with no reminders of my past hurts. It's a bit drastic, but it might work.
I hope it does.

Hope.
Maybe I'm not such a big cynic after all.
I'll stick to my corner of the world.. but...
If you want to throw your arms around me...
I guess I won't say no.
xx

Puzzle Pieces

2010-08-16T18:18:00.000-07:00

puzzle

Women's Day 2010 was a day of firsts.
I did my first ever 10km race with my cousin.
We walked it (of course) and survived the rain and wind along the way.
Yay us! I think I'm now ready to do the Blisters for Bread 20km with al_ice. Woo!

Right after that, al_ice invited me to the 12 Apostles to have lunch with Mr Awesomeness.
I had never been there and, with such delightful company, I couldn't refuse the offer.
Well, the place was as decadent as I expected. I loved the rich furnishings, the stunning views of the mountain and the sea, the delicious food and the witty humour flying across the table.
It was a perfect day. :)

So, as we settled into the post-lunch lull, I noticed a puzzle box nearby.
It was of Table Mountain at night.. with lots of blue sky pieces and black sea pieces.
It looked impossible but I thought I'd just try and see how far I could get.

I sorted out the black and blue pieces and worked on the mountain and the border for a bit.
Some pieces were missing... some were simply misplaced.
I got frustrated and left it... and then looked again and I could see how to fill a gap.
Slowly, I started seeing the pictures in the blue pieces and the subtle differences in the big blue mass.
I guessed a few.. and it worked. With others, I could just see where they fit in and they did.
Pretty soon I was so involved in the puzzle that I lost track of time.. and what was going on around me.
I looked up.. and could finally see the bigger picture and how much I had completed.
I smiled.
And then I laughed.

Isn't it funny how we often look at a situation that seems impossible.. and we're unable to see any way out?
We get frustrated with what life gives us and give up when we feel that we dont have enough.
With a bit of perseverance, a little luck and a new perspective, we often do find a way.

During the race, there were so many times when I wanted to give up.
I looked and saw everyone else running.. and I was walking.
I looked and saw all the fit and healthy people.. and I clearly wasn't.
I looked up at the rain and thought.. surely they dont expect us to run in THIS?!
But I did. Despite everything... I did it.

Some people treat life like a race.
I'm going to walk... never giving up... taking the uphills with the downhills, the rain and the sun... but, in the end, I will accomplish what I wanted to according to my own rules and standards.
This can be the only way to real happiness.

I'm still trying to figure out how to put the bits and pieces of my life together.
I still believe that I have a few pieces missing... but maybe I'm just not looking at the big picture.
I'm going to take a step back and try not to put it all together right now.
I know that I have some good stuff "put together"... and that's a pretty good start.
I'll get to the rest of the puzzle when I need to.
For now... I'm just looking at all the pieces.
I'm sure it will all click into place somehow.

Optimism?
I haz its.
^_^

Blank spaces

2010-08-16T16:13:00.000-07:00

I had a birthday recently.
It wasn't too momentous.. only my first ever 30-something. I only get 8 more and then I turn 40 and then, apparently, no one cares how old you are. Thank goodness. As much as I love numbers, I dont really like this particular numbers game. I don't mind getting older, as long as the wiser bit kicks in soon. ;)

I had a bit of a party the night before with my *deepfriend* Alice. The actual birthday on Sunday was spent with other friends and family. It was a pretty casual, relaxing day... and I was spoiled with lots of pink stuff, lots of laughter, a bit too much wine and genuine warmth and love.
It was good.
And yet...

blank

I couldn't help but be concerned about the "blank spaces".
I know. I do this all the time... and I hate it.
I hate the way I look at what I dont have and ignore what I do have.

But this time it was a little bit different.
This time I had purposefully created the blank spaces around me.
I have shrunk away from social interactions before but for very different reasons.
Before, I was scared and I hid from the world as I sunk into my deep dark cave of depression.
I am grateful that those days are mostly over, but I do have to challenge those fears every day.
I'm still scared but I'm getting braver.

This new "space-making" exercise is about something else.
I feel like I'm making space for a more authentic life.
I populated my life with as many people as I could, out of a desperate need to be liked, no matter what.
Right now, I want people that I love.. and people that love who I am... in all its complexity.
I know that's asking a lot but it's what I do: I love too much, care too much and give too much.
All I'm asking now is for it to be reciprocated.
And I feel like I'm getting to a stage where I'd rather do without than "settle" again.

I also want to surround myself with positive people. I need people around me that have asked the hard questions of themselves and are striving to live a life that is filled with truth and integrity. It's not an easy road to choose. I realise that it's easier to live in denial because I have been there. I just can't go back there again and I need the support to stay on the hard path because it's the best thing for me right now.

So, looking back at some of the blanks, I'm grateful for the good times that we shared and am a bit sad that I can't share this new path with you. But this is where I need to be right now.
I truly feel that, by making these spaces, I can attract what I really want and need.
In the mean time, I'm going to have to learn to live with just the empty space around me.

I hope this will all make sense one day...

xx

Dear You

2010-08-10T16:34:00.000-07:00

Dear You.
You who I'm not supposed to still be thinking about.
You who I've blocked and removed from my online life.
You who told me many moons ago.. that I could do this.
You who abandoned me.. when I did it.
You... who said he would never leave.
You left.

I'm now listening to your music, stumbling onto your pictures.
Wondering... hoping... could we go back?

I sit here perplexed.
You are still able to use the words "soul mates".
How is it possible that we could ever be mates... without ever meeting?
How could you know anything about my soul... without seeing my eyes, feeling my lips, touching my hips...?

We've been through this many times before.. and many moons ago...
I have to now accept that our time has passed.
Whatever could've been.. can no longer be.

So I thank you... for making me believe that I was worth the effort so long ago.
For helping me find the beauty that was hidden inside for so long.
For bittersweet moments that I can never forget.

I'm sorry that we hurt each other... when neither one of us wanted that.
There is still a small part of me that is angry with you.
I'm angry that you gave up too easily..
angry that you didn't fight for me.

But with all these mixed up feelings...
With all this unresolved madness...
I say good bye.

goodbye kiss

No more fear

2010-07-19T08:14:00.000-07:00

Part 1:

You are bigger than me... a giant monster of a man.
You are older... but not wiser.
You know some things.. like how to scare a little child.
You are hairy... everywhere.. and you smell like cheap wine.
You are selfish... and evil... I hate everything about you.
I hate who you are and what you did.
I felt ugly and stupid.. and scared.
I secretly smiled when you died.
And I still keep your secret.
You don't deserve that.

Part 2:

You used to adore me... and then you stopped.
I tried to be everything you wanted me to be.. but I could only be me.
I left you... and you were angry... very angry.
You pushed me around and forced me to listen to you.
You promised to take everything away from me, including my life.
You lied... to me, to my family, the law and to yourself.
You think that you've won... but I pity you.
I am walking away but I still feel trapped.
I am still scared.
I hate that.
I hate you.

Part 3:

You lied to me... just as you lie to yourself.
I told the the truth and you told me to shut up.
You then forced me to shut up.
This time, I had the strength to walk away.
You are nothing.

Never again... will any man make me fear.
Never again.. will I be held down, shut down, put down.
Never. Ever. Again.

Pic Link: Fear
Please Note: The above is merely my opinion and my experience. Nothing will be removed.
And I am by no means a "battered woman".. but have had a few scary experiences. That is all.

Little Rose

2010-07-09T09:31:00.000-07:00

Hey baby girl.
You came up the other day...
I was talking about "my story" to some new people and you briefly made an appearance.
Isn't that just so you. :P
I'm never quite sure what to say about you...
Technically, you don't exist but, to me, you changed my world.

I know why you had to go.... I wasn't ready to take care of you.
I had to learn that I was worth so much more than I was getting at the time.
If I could so easily love a speck like you, why did I not expect more from those around me?

And yet.. and yet... I miss you.
My desire for motherhood sometimes overwhelms me.
But I know.. I know... it's just not for me.
I can't expect a speck to love me, when I treat me the way I do.

So... that day is coming up. The day that a piece of both of our hearts died.
I remember everything... and feel everything I felt then, but I am saying nothing.
I dont know whether I've really learned my lesson, dear one.
I dont know what more can be done... I may be a lost cause.

I hope you have some pull wherever you are.
Could you ask the boss to give me some clearer signs.
I'm tired, little one... I need some light.

Yes... I see.
I see what I did there.
I need to look inside again, right?
You are a smart girl. Obviously mama's child.
Love you.
xx

Rose Red and Snow White

I don't know

2010-06-16T08:28:00.001-07:00

From an old group post on Stumbleupon:

The Edge

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love

Can't speak

2010-06-14T15:44:00.000-07:00

i've had this feeling since i was 9.
don't speak.
do as you're told.
play nice.
what will the neighbours say...

can't speak

since then... i've never been comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings. it's been a long road to finally understand what i feel... but i know i'm not quite "over it".

i always seem to get into situations where i am made to feel that i can't say what i think... cant express what i feel... cant just be me and be accepted for that.
and i realise that most of it is just me holding myself back.

my tormentors are no longer in my life, but they still have an effect on me.
for some reason, every man i've been with has decided that i need to be shut up in one way or another.. sometimes with force.
i cannot explain the fear that i still feel... but i know that it is still very difficult for me to trust again.
and i hate that. i hate them... and i hate myself for allowing this to continue.

i need a place to express this anger.
being online used to be a free place for me, where i could just express what i felt with no real consequences.
with real life friends and acqaintances in places like twitter and facebook, i am finding it limiting.
if i were to rant and rave... and swear like i want to... i'm pretty sure my dear friends would call the white coats on me.
but that is a side of me that i desperately need to express.

i AM angry... about a lot of things. and i know that behind the anger is a lot of sadness. but i can't get to it if i'm not allowed to express the anger.
and, right now.. i dont have a place where i can do that.
so... once again.. i feel like i'm suffocating, unable to breathe, to speak freely, to scream... to cry.

so i'm having a quiet scream to myself here.

everybody scream

just thought i'd let you know.
x

It's not you

2010-05-30T14:21:00.000-07:00

It's me.

And I want this...

How difficult is that to understand?

Grrr!!!

The mirror has more than two faces

2010-05-24T13:26:00.000-07:00

Im-Corrupt

Have you ever been to DecoDance? It's a cool retro type club that plays 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's music. I dont think I've ever boogied to the Beatles in a club before. I had a really great time there on Saturday night with some new and old friends. We were on the dance floor for almost 5 hours non-stop! Fun. :)

So, in between the fun and madness of the dance floor, we did take some small breaks. The walls are all mirrored. I looked at my big red face in the mirror... and laughed. My hair was a mess, I was sweaty hot and I had that naughty, crazy look in my eyes... the one where I'm so full of confidence that I just say whatever I feel like. Pretty scary, but, honestly... it's probably the happiest that I've been in a very long time.

I was reminded of the last painful time that I was there.. Halloween 2009. I was probably smiling and did have a good time with my friends... but I felt sick and broken inside. I remember my cousin putting on my make-up that evening... and I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I felt so ugly, unwanted and rejected... and all over a silly boy.

moOnxinha

There were many other times when I avoided the mirror. Last year this time when I was alone and that horrible year of 2008 when I felt alone, I often looked at myself, with tears streaming down my face, wondering if I'd ever stop crying. I couldn't see anything good in the mirror beyond the tears.

Thankfully... I had other mirrors that showed me the truth. I had friends that looked at me and saw more in me than I ever could at the time. Through their eyes, I was beautiful, loving, caring, funny... strong. They never stopped showing me my true face, forcing me to see what was real. With their eyes as my mirrors... I slowly became brave... and looked again.

The rest, as you should know, is history (just go read the rest of the blog! :P). Some friends have come and gone... and I do miss them... but I'm still surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, witty, loving people. I am grateful every time that I'm in their presence. Their love gives me immeasurable strength to carry on.. to keep smiling... to fight for the very best because I deserve it. Through their eyes... I see a "me" that I love.

And yes, I know that I can't rely on other people to feel good about myself. I dont. I really am getting to a place where I am ok with me. More than ok... I'm freaking awesome. :P

Looking at the mirror today.. I just know.
I know.
I hope you know it too.
And if you forget.. I will remind you.
xx

Mothers and daughters

2010-05-07T06:18:00.000-07:00

It's mother's day.
Mothers and daughters... is there any relationship that is filled with so much frustration, irritation and intense feelings of love and hate? Well, I suppose the relationship between men and women comes close.

Seeing a few of my friends doing the "mother thing" recently, I'm always in awe at the overwhelming love and care that one human can feel for another. I suppose the nine-months- living-inside-you thing kinda makes you feel connected to the little poop spewing bugger.. but still. It's beautiful to see a mother's love in action.

I'm also under no illusion that it's an easy job that just comes naturally. It's practically an impossible job, but millions of women do it every single day. Going without sleep, a new pair of boots, a holiday away.. and to not even have a moment to yourself to just sit and do nothing and not worry that the thing is still breathing... is truly a testament to the power of love.

And I know that there are many mothers out there... that sometimes get it wrong. I know many people that have a difficult relationship with their mothers because they just weren't available to them in a way that they could feel the love. We all make mistakes... and we all need to forgive each other. Yes, forgiveness is possible... and essential. Above all, we need to understand so that we can learn to love again.

So.. I guess that's where I am. My mom was great... IS great. She loved my brother and I with everything. Perhaps she loved us a bit too much.. and I often wish that she had a life outside her children, but it's not for me to decide what's best for her.

I was going to write about the things that have hurt me throughout the years... things that she shouldn't have said.. things that she should've done.. but I suppose it doesn't matter.
I was loved.. and that was enough.

So, I guess I'll say what I always say every year...
Feliz Dia De Mães.
Obrigao para tudo.
Tua filhinha,
Anita
xxx

Life is long

2010-04-11T10:09:00.000-07:00

I am part of the 90's "meh" generation.
I was a grunge girl... "oh well, whatever, nevermind" was our cry.
We were young, spotty rebels without a freaking clue.
Every generation has their reckless youth... and ours was no different, I guess.
The "live fast, die young" attitude was used an excuse for some pretty stupid activities. It doesn't matter, right? Life is short... try everything once... do whatever feels good to you. Right?
Well... no.
As you grow up, you realise that there are consequences to your actions.
Sometimes... life long consequences.

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."
— Chris Rock

I often despair at my generation. Why are we so self absorbed?
Perhaps the excesses of the 80's was the beginning of the "me" generation.
Having too much of everything made us feel like we were owed everything.
We just have to look at the rapid growth of Web 2.0 sites. It's all about me.
MySpace was the beginning... and look how quickly that disintegrated into a masturbatory mess.
However, pretty soon everyone (and their mother) was blogging, Facebooking and Tweeting.
Do we ever shut up about ourselves?

And yes.. I've stayed away from blogging for a very long time because I hate how self indulgent it can be. The constant introspection and self-analysis cannot be healthy. Yes, I know we pay therapists now to just talk to us about ourselves... but, in the hands of immature kids, it's a dangerous practice.
While I love the freedom that true open honest discussion gives us, is it really ok to just say whatever you want whenever you want to say it? Are there any consequences to our actions?

This isn't an attack on bloggers... it's not about the medium. It's about our intentions.
You don't have to believe in karma to be aware that all our actions, big and small, have some effect on our world.
Everything that we do or say has repercussions.
Life is long.
Think before you act.
And maybe think of others before you think of your own needs and wants and desires.
You are important and you deserve the best... but we all need each other.
Life is serious business but we all make mistakes along the way.
One bit of good news is that no matter how many times we stumble through life... it does go on.
And, with a bit of help from our friends, the burden is shared and eased.
Just ask.
I'll be there.
xx

Pic link

My idea of fun

2010-04-03T06:59:00.000-07:00

"Wanna have some fun?"
Yeah! Life is too short... let's have FUN!
Oh wait... what do you mean by fun?
Oh... that. You just want "no strings" access to my body parts?
That's um.. sweet. Tempting.. but no thanks.
Want to know what my idea of fun is?

Let's talk about how to make the world a better place.
I want to hear your ideas, your hopes and dreams for the future.
I want to know what makes your heart ache... what makes you laugh out loud.
I want to know your deepest darkest secret... and then laugh together at how silly it is.
I want to know your fears and weaknesses... and love you anyway.
I want coffee made for me, just the way I like it.
I want chocolate and flowers.. because "I thought of you today."
Body parts? You want body parts? Let me show you how.. and where... in a million different ways. Isn't that better than one sloppy drunken night? It is for me...

Know what else is fun? Having a life growing inside you.
One that I made with you... a combination of both our lives... a part of both of us.. forever. How fun is that?!
Then we get to watch it grow... we love and nurture it together.. we learn, we grow.. together.
I see you every day, and learn more about you every day.. and love you more... every single day.
And you teach me more about myself.. and I grow and change.. and become a better person because of you. And you love me... more and more.
Are we having fun yet?

So... yeah. I like having fun.
I want fun... with someone who knows what it's really all about.
Call me when you grow up and figure it all out.

love ani.
yes... love me.
it's all or nothing.
i'm worth it.
xx

Foolish games

2010-04-02T17:06:00.000-07:00

Don't tell anyone... but I still think about you... every single day.
It's been about six weeks now.
I don't know what you're up to.
I don't know who you are, and, yes, I'm sorry, but perhaps I never did.
I've stayed away from you, your friends... your life.
My life has gone on... I've been good.
But I miss you.
And I think about you.
Every.
Single.
Day.

It's hard... but I keep reminding myself that I never did make you happy.
We both desperately wanted and needed to love each other unconditionally... but we never could.
I wish we didn't hurt each other when neither one of us wanted that.
I don't know why we felt like we needed to keep trying to make it work, when it just didn't.
I know all of this... and we both know a lot more that will never get discussed...
But I still miss you.

I hope that you're ok.
I wish... that things could've been better.
I wish I could've... been better.
I wish you could've... been stronger.
I love you.
I wish I didn't.
It would make things so much easier...
I've tried hating you... but we both know that it's not true.

Anyway... this means nothing... and it doesn't matter.
It's over... and I'm tired of playing this game.
Good night.
x

Chopped Liver

2010-03-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

I'm not quite sure how it started.
Who told you that you weren't worth it? That you weren't good enough for the very best that life has to offer?
And why... oh why do you insist on believing this and keep telling yourself the same thing?
If we look long enough, we can always find people and things to blame.
Perhaps no one is to blame... it is what it is?
We all need to learn our lessons in our own way.
But I'm not settling for anything less than WOW.
I deserve 100% of your time, energy and effort. If you think I don't.. then you need to go. Go now.

Never ever ever again... will this girl be anything less than number one.

That is all.

Jy is cooler as ekke

2010-03-21T13:15:00.000-07:00

[reference: Jack Parow. This post is for South Africans only as I speak in Afrikaans.]

Ja. Jy is.
I've just never ever been cool.
Well, there was that brief moment in time when my youngest cousin thought I was awesomer than awesome.
Although back then, we didn't use the word awesome. I think I was kiff. Ja. Net so.
But she was young and impressionable... so... I dont think that counts.

About the only thing that made me cool was that I was, like.. so grunge, man.
I wore black all the time. Even had black nail polish AND lipstick. Hardcore, bitches. *giggle*
I even went vegetarian for a bit (that's pretty damn hardcore for a porra, ok?).
And I knew everything... about everything. Ah, to be sixteen again... ;)

Other than that, I was never cool at school.
To everyone else, I was a chubby boffin nerd and, worst of all, a "good girl".
Yep, I didn't smoke, drink or have sex when I was in high school.
No drugs either. I just watched. Yes, really.
I always did what I was told.
Mother said: Do whatever your teacher tells you to do. And I did.
I did all my homework, passed all my tests... was a good little girl. Always.
You can see how this was an epic disaster waiting to happen, right?

Anyway, even with all the smarts, I'm not geeky enough to qualify for geek cool.
I know a lot of geeky stuff... mainly because I spend a lot of time online.
I know about lolcats and internet memes and how to tweet and blog.
I know that the cake is a lie , Cthulhu is lord and master of all and the Flying Spaghetti Monster saves.
But I still love M$. I'm sorry.. but I do.
And although I now have Ubuntu on my laptop, I still pronounce Linux wrong (Lie-nux instead of Lih-nux).
It sucks. I'm geeky enough to be an online addict but not geeky enough to roll with the real geeks. I should really learn computers...

Other than that, I've always lived in da norf. Ja, beyond the boerewors curtain.
And, like, not even in the cool part of da norf. That would be D'ville, you Southern Suburb Snobs. Meh.
I've lived in Woodstock, Maitland (the horrors), Goodwood (shut it), Bellville (SUID!) and Parow. Ja. Fokken Peh-row. I KNOW, ok?!
Anyway, it's fine. At least I keep it real. Actually, no... I just feel like I dont belong anywhere. Very frustrating.

What else makes me not cool?
Well.. I LURVE silly crap.. like Hello Kitty... and My Little Pony... and butterflies. So gay. :P
Talking about gay... I should really be a gay man. I'd kick ass. (Oh, stop giggling.)
Music: 70's and 80's trash, Madonna, George Michael, ABBA. Yep, I have no shame.
I watch Oprah... and Dr Phil. If I could, I'd watch E-Entertainment channel all day.
I drive a Tazz.
I don't wear jeans.
I'm unemployed.
I think Die Antwoord is stupid.
I like the Parlotones.
I've answered a personal ad.
I can't tweet on my phone!

Argh... This is so liberating.
Now you know some of my secret shame.
I dont think I'll ever be cool... and that's really ok.
I'm pretty happy with my quirks.
Anyway.. don't panic. And don't unfriend me! :P
I do have some standards.
At least I don't own Crocs.
*chuckles to herself*

Stumbling through Relationships

2010-03-05T13:12:00.000-08:00

So I've had this post in draft for a while.
It's been in my head for an even longer while.
After a divorce and another failed relationship, it makes sense to want to go back and think about “what went wrong”. The details of “what went wrong” will be kept between me and the parties involved.
I do believe that every experience in life is there to teach us something about ourselves. They say, when you lose, don't lose the lesson. Well, I'm still learning.. but, taking into account my mistakes, this is what I've learned about myself.

One thing's for sure... I'm not going to stop being attracted to brains. Yes, I'm a zombie... I want Braaaaaaaains. :P
Ahem. But seriously. The people that I tend to associate with are usually highly intelligent.I've never really liked being smart.At school, it was just never ever a cool thing to be. It got so bad that during University, I actively started slacking off and tried to be dumb to fit in. As with everything though, I excelled too well at it, and landed up failing my Honours year at UCT. Along with it, I lost a job at a Big 4 audit firm. Well done ani! *rolls eyes*
Anyway... it all worked out for the best, I guess. I re-did my Honours and passed Board I and II exams first time. All of a sudden... being smart was cool again. I associated with new people, smart people and was admired and respected for who I was. So THAT's what real friendship is all about. Live and learn. :)

But I digress. My point was... I love intelligent people.
I don't know enough about everything, but I admire people who want to know more.
I love people that can play with words... the writers and the poets.
I admire the skill of musicians and artists.
I adore people who care about the state of the world and truly, deeply care about their fellow man.
Whatever you're good at... do it well and do it with your whole heart.

While I admire the “head” intelligence, it really does mean nothing without a good heart. I've learned that I have a good heart. I need someone who will not use and abuse that.
Probably one of my many faults is that I love too deeply... I give too much...
Many others have said that this is one of my best qualities.
My heart still feels a little bruised, so I'm going to lock it away for a bit.
But I cannot imagine a love that does not completely overwhelm every one of my senses. It has to be passionate and crazy and consume my world. It's all or nothing with me. And yes, I'm worth it. :)

Other than that... physical things don't really matter.
I think I have an irrtional dislike of blonde people, though. Some of my best friends are blonde (no, really!) but I'm a brown haired, brown eyed girl.. and I suppose like attracts like in this sense.
Or perhaps it's just comforting to stick to what you know. I'm willing to change my mind about that.

But you can always get me with your eyes.
A kind man once said that he was too scared to look into my eyes because it felt like I could see everything in his soul. Yeah.. I'm pretty intense, I guess. And I need to have eyes that can stare right back into my soul. You can't just look at me and feel... indifferent.I have to be moved....shaken to my core. It's happened before... and I don't want to settle for anything less.

Other than brains and heart and eyes... what more could a woman want?
Well, you have to be honest with me... 100% honesty... ALL the time.
I require monogamy too. This appears to be an old-fashioned idea, but I believe that it's still possible. If it's not, feel free to go swing in another tree. Freak. *cough*

But I digress...again. More than anything... there has to be an acceptance and understanding of who I am. This is no easy task as I'm still unsure of who I am. Which is why I need to just sort myself out first. Everyone has their demons to fight, but I really feel that I need to get to a place where I'm ok with the mess that I am.
I'm almost there. I can feel it.
I'm getting more and more confident in my skin... and surrounding myself with people that love and support me, with no ulterior motives.

While I've met some wonderful boys... there is currently no one in my life that has me wowed.
I still think back to the passionate loves I've had... and I miss it very much.
But I need something more.
There are great things ahead of me... I can feel it.
In my fingers.
I feel it in my toes.
Love is all around me.
And so the feeling grows.
*chuckles to herself*
^_^.

Funerals, babies and grandmothers

2010-02-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

*started writing Monday, 15 February*

It's been a bit of a weird day.
My mother just told me this morning that there would be a funeral later today.
The funeral was for a very close family friend that has been fighting cancer for many many years.
Last week, my mother went to visit her... and just knew.. the end was nigh.
I wasn't expecting to have such an emotional response to it... but here I am... being emotional.

Firstly, this was an amazing woman... so full of life and love and passion.
My mother and her grew up together in Portugal and found each other again in Woodstock (Cape Town) decades later.
We didn't meet often, but when we did.. there was so much love between everyone.
Whenever I met her, she enveloped me with generous hugs and kisses. She made sure that the people she loved knew how she felt.
There is a bit more intricate family history... but suffice to say that she is a close family friend and she will be sorely missed by many people.
RIP Arlindina. xxx

During the service, there was lots of talk about her role as a loving mother. I think that was the part that got to my mother... and me.
When my mother lost her mother, it was a huge loss for her that she will probably never fully recover from. I think you can survive almost anything that life throws at you... but my mother doesn't WANT to. She misses her mother.. she needs her mother.. and, without her, she feels that her life is empty.
I can't say that I will ever be able to understand... until I lose my mother.
Wondering what that would feel like... lead to a lot more emotion than I was prepared for.
But wait.. there's more... *sigh*

I do miss my grandmother too... very very much.
We had a very special bond. I practically lived with her for a few years after a brutal attack at my parents' shop when I was about two. I was too scared to go back to the shop so I stayed with her in Woodstock while my parents worked. Also, during my primary school days, I would often go to her house after school.

Of course... these memories are tainted with memories of my step-grandfather.
I've spent far too many years in therapy and in depression to still have these horrible thoughts about him.
But.. I've been told (nods to Adin) that you cant control your thoughts. So.. I guess all I can do is watch them and try to understand why they're there.
I'm not prepared to discuss that man right now... but I do still hate him.
I thought that I had forgiven him for the things that he did... I don't know anymore.
But I still hate the fact that I wasn't allowed to spend time with my grandmother. He took her away from me.. and I needed her in my life.
I still do.

She was an amazing woman: strong, spiritual, funny, sweet.. generous with all that she had.
We would shop together, sow together, cook together, work in the garden together... pray together.
I also believe that she was a healer. Being a traditional Catholic Portuguese woman, she worked within her frame of reference, but I have seen her use touch therapy to heal sick people.
There were many people that would go see her to be healed.
She was the inspiration to explore the healing arts myself.

She was also the inspiration for my unborn baby.
I'm sorry.. I know that it's silly and ridiculous to still be mourning a 10 week old fetus.
I know there are people that mourn real tragedies... newborn babies, toddlers, real people that die.... *sigh* but still.
I named my baby Rose after my grandmother Rosa. It only really "lived" online in my stumbleupon world... but it lived.
So, yes.. the funeral touched a bit of a nerve around that.
Questions about whether I will ever be a mother still plague me.
Fears that I probably killed my own child still haunt me.
Sadness that it was probably never meant to be... still lingers.
And yes... I wonder if my ex-husband feels any of this pain.
If he ever really cared... If I made the right decision...
What if... what if.. what if...

So.. with all of this...
here I sit.

With these thoughts and fears and tears...
from deep dark places that I dont want to look at...
here I sit.

Here I breathe.
Here... I look up.
Here and now...
I carry on
And keep on walking.

xx

100 Truths

2010-01-28T03:00:00.000-08:00

100 TRUTHS

this is me being lazy.
i have lots of thoughts in my head... but i found this list at riven's so i thought i'd play along.
enjoy. :)

1. Last beverage ~ some orange fizzy crap
2. Last phone call ~ called a friend last night
3. Last kiss ~ i'd rather not say.. it's complicated.
4. Last song you listened to ~ music during pilates class.. reminded me of my ex-husband.
5. Last time you cried ~ this morning at pilates class.. listening to the music.*sigh*

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice ~ huh?
7. Been cheated on? ~ yep
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? ~ no regrets.. eventually
9. Lost someone special? ~ sure.
10. Been depressed? ~ yes.
11. Been high? ~ never.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Pink
13. Black
14. Red

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Have you made new friends this year ~ i hope so
16. Fallen out of love ~ probably never will.
17. Laughed until you cried ~ not often enough.. but yeah.
18. Met someone who changed you ~ constantly
19. Found out who your true friends were ~ still learning. :)
20. Found out someone was talking about you ~ oh.. i dont mind that. :)
21. Kissed anyone on your top friends list ~ dont have a list.

TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have ~ two should be fine... but i dont think that will happen for me.
24. Do you have any pets ~ no. nothing that is just mine.
25. Do you want to change your name ~ my registered name? yes.
26. What did you do for your last birthday ~ i had a tweetup.
27. What time did you wake up today ~ 815am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night ~ sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for ~ to find my passion
30. Last time you saw your father ~ he's here right now.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life ~ more self confidence. with that, i can do anything.
32. What are you listening to right now ~ Cape Talk radio
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom ~ i know a thomas.
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? ~ my lack of money... and everyone else getting paid this week.
36. What’s your real name ~ anita... ani... ann... depends who you are.
37. Relationship Status ~ divorced.
38. Zodiac sign ~ Leo
39. Male or female ~ Female
40. Primary School ~ Maitland Primary school
41. High School ~ Fairbairn High School
43. Hair color ~ Brunette... with occasional bursts of red when i'm feeling down.
44. Long or short ~ medium-ish
45. Height ~ i dont know
46. Do you have a crush on someone ~ i dont know
47. What do you like about yourself ~ me funny :P
48. Piercings ~ ears only
49. Tattoos ~ nope
50. Righty or lefty ~ right handed

FIRSTS :
51. First surgery ~ miscarriage 2008
52. First piercing ~ ears pierced ages ago... primary school?
53. First tattoo ~ not sure... probably never.
54. First best friend ~ Serina
55. First Sport ~ netball
56. First pet ~ not really a pet owner
57. First vacation ~ probably with the ex-husband... bed and breakfast.. stayed indoors mostly.
58. First concert ~ UB40.. when they first came out here.
59. First crush ~ oh... Michael. :)
60. First alcohol drink ~ probably the wine my grandfather and dad and uncle used to make. yuk.

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating ~ lunch... steak n veges.
62. Drinking ~ Nothing yet.. probably more fizzy orange stuff.
63. I’m about to ~ stumble at http://anitab.stumbleupon.com
64. Listening to ~ CapeTalk is playing "we are the world". wtf?
65. Waiting for ~ someone to call or chat with me.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
69. Lips or eyes ~ eyes
70. Hugs or kisses ~ hugs
71. Shorter or taller ~ taller
72. Older or Younger ~ older
73. Romantic or spontaneous ~ romantic
74. Nice stomach or nice arms ~ arms
75. Tattoos or piercings ~ tats
76. Sensitive or loud ~ sensitive
77. Hook-up or relationship ~ relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant ~ trouble maker. ;)

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger ~ yes
80. Drank hard liquor ~ kinda
81. Lost glasses/contacts ~ often
82. Cried in front on someone ~ often
83. Broken someone’s heart ~ yes.
84. Had your own heart broken ~ yes
85. Been arrested ~ nope
86. Turned someone down ~ dont think so
87. Cried when someone died ~ yep
88. Liked a friend that is a girl ~ no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself ~ no
90. Miracles ~ sometimes
91. Love at first sight ~ yes
92. Heaven ~ yeah
93. Santa Clause ~ i do.
94. Kissing on the first date ~ yes
95. Angels ~ hmm... yeah.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now ~ i dont know
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time ~ no.
98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever ~ i hope so
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without ~ internet
100. Posting this as 100 Truths ~ Yes

my internet friends

2009-12-22T14:00:00.000-08:00

Let's not discuss December 16th... or the 17th either.
I will leave the horrid details for my close friends and my now ex-boyfriend.
Let's just say... lesson learned.
I am never going to compromise what I want and need... EVER... again.
So it looks like I'll be single for a while... cause I'm a demanding bitch.
;)

One good thing that I discovered this week... my internet friends are real.
Yeah, I've kinda known that for a while.. but, when hanging around non-internet people (waves to aunty and mommy), you tend to minimise the effect these "avatars" have on your life.

Of course... I don't do internet relationships like other people.
I put it all out there... I dont hold any punches. I give 100% of myself and I expect the same.
That reminds me of my favourite review of my page on SU* from my friend xineann:

Website: anitab
Description: Personal, engaging, full of life with all the joy and all the pain that comes from being alive. Her heart is out there. Because her heart is out there, one can bruise it without intending to.

She just got me. Wow. ^_^

So... at my lowest point last Thursday... when I felt that I had nowhere to go, that I had no one who could or would understand... I got the most amazing, supportive phone call from my twitter friend alice. I cannot thank her enough.
She also organised a place for me to crash for a bit.. and I crashed hard at ann's place. Thank you.. again and again and again.
Later that night I spent some time with karen and scott where I cried and laughed and danced and drank. Exactly what the doctor ordered.
I love you guys... all of you... so very much.
<3

And then it was Friday afternoon.
I was spending some time with my cousin, when I got a phone call from my SU friend alfred from halfway across the world. The connection was bad, but the love and concern was real... and I felt so blessed.
I also got a lovely message from a friend who I had touched with a few words on a card. That meant a lot to me.
I put myself out there and I got it all back. And that makes it all worth while.

So... at Heather's Baby Shower on Saturday, when she introduced the girls as "my internet friends", I laughed and looked around at my pinkdrinks crew.
I just knew... these people are my friends for life.
I never ever forget a friend....
and your kindess will never be forgotten.
Thank you ladies and gents.
x

Link

*SU=StumbleUpon

Stuff I like

2009-12-12T23:53:00.001-08:00

This post was inspired by the inspiring and beautiful, wise and witty Wenchy. (The purple background is for you. :*)

These are a few of my favourite products (that I happened to have around the house) and a little bit more about my madness.

Johnson's Holiday Skin Body Lotion:
This is my life saver during summer. I LOVE this stuff.
This is different to other self-tan lotions because it very gradually builds up a nice colour. The more you use it, the darker you get so it looks very natural.
I use it mainly for my legs cause I dont usually like to show them out in public. I'm slowly getting over that. ;-)

Knorr Mince Mate Range
Because I can't cook to save my life.. this makes me feel all awesome because it always comes out yummy. And it has all my favourite food groups in one: cheese, meat, pasta. Om nom nom. :P

JC Le Roux La Fleurette
Pink Champagne. This one's being chilled for a special celebration tonight. I'm not supposed to say this, but the boy likes this too. Not too sweet, nice n bubbly.. and pink! Woo! ^_^

Ultra Mel Custard
This always makes me think of summer holidays and Christmas time. It used to be a special treat but now that I'm all grown up, I can have it whenever I want! Goes well with jelly and/or ice cream.... or on its own, warm or cold. *drool*

Wonderbra
Well.. what can I say... it does what it says... wonders! :P
The boy bought me this one recently. It is very pink. And very wondrous effects. Brand plus plus. :P

Oh so Heavenly Foot Range
I love pampering my feets... and this stuff does all I need it to do: scrubs, treat and nourishes. It's also been a hit with the boy. Oh so lovely. :)

Radox Herbal Bath Salts
Since I cant afford therapy anymore.. I take long hot baths. These "Aromatherapy" Bath Salts make the water all soft and smells so niiiiice... I don't think it has any healing powers, but it makes me happy.

Johnson's Baby Oil
Well, there is no baby at home... this is used mainly for massage. I've tried some other "proper" massage stuff... but this is still the best. Makes me happy. ;-)

Cotton buds
Ok.. my secret shame.. I'm addicted to cotton buds. This brand is crap.. but if I had the good stuff, I would use two or three a day. No, my ears are perfectly clean, thank you. I'm just.. um.. a little obsessed with the stuff. I know.. I'm weird. :-/

Hello Kitty anything
I know.. I'm too old for this.. but I <3 Hello Kitty kitsch. Pity that they only make the stuff in kiddy sizes.. meh. But I managed to find this alt Hello Kitty top at Mr Price. I LOVE it. AND... it's in PINK!!! I think I have too much pink. :P

There you go.
A small slice of my life.
Now show me yours.
^_^

Paolo Nutini

2009-12-10T22:42:00.000-08:00

I have a new obsession... Paolo. <3
I'm sure I've heard him on the radio... but the name didn't stick. Well, today.. I'm stuck on repeat. So, here's a taste...

"Last Request"
Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.

"Loving You"
when you're loving me, i'm loving you
and i love your prowess and the things that you do
and it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone

"New shoes"
Oh, short on money,
but long on time,
slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
and i'm running late,
and i don't need an excuse,
'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes.

"Jenny dont be hasty"
Oh, Jenny you are crazy!
First I'm perfect, then I'm lazy
And I was calling you my baby

and this video is just.... fun. :)

ok. go find the rest yourselves.
^_^

Divorced... congrats?

2009-12-10T11:32:00.000-08:00

So... I got divorced today.
My boyfriend's getting divorced tomorrow.
We're having a divorce party.
Some people find this... um... weird.
Well... news flash.. I'm a tad weird. :P

So why am I celebrating?
I mean... divorce is like a death... it's the end of something good... so it's bad, right?
I know... I used to believe that was true.. once upon a time.
I used to believe that staying married, staying together no matter what, was the right way... it was good... it was for the best.
I believed that you could talk things out, that love lasts forever, that my trust would never be betrayed... that I was loved completely.
Now, I can't believe that I was ever that young and naive...

I know when I stopped believing.
It was 31 July 2008. I was pregnant... about 10 weeks.
I had been in bed for weeks with anxiety and depression from work stress but I was glowing.
I loved being pregnant.
I hadn't told the "real" world yet, but my baby existed online in my StumbleUpon world. It was known as Baby Rose. I just knew it was a girl. I named her after my beloved grandmother. I was going for my first scan the following week to confirm.
I was turning 29 the following day, 1 August.

Despite all of this... I felt uneasy in my own house.
My husband was online all the time.
Now, this isn't usually a problem for me, as I'm an internet addict...
But.. there was something that had changed in him.
He didn't act like... well, like a happy father-to-be.
I tried my very best to ignore my inner voice... that nagging feeling that "this isn't right."
Anyway... I found out that he was having an intimate relationship with a female friend overseas. She had just got divorced and cried on his shoulder. A cry then turned into a kiss. This was all virtual, but I know how real that can feel.

Well, when I found out.. I was completely crushed.
I literally felt my heart break... and my baby cried with me.
And after everything I had done to try and rescue our relationship...
I had gone to personal therapy (because I thought I was the problem...). We had done some couples counselling (but I was still the problem...).
I ignored friends that were unduly influencing me to leave my husband and go after silly dreams... like being happy just being me... and maybe be with someone that I didn't have to convince to have babies with me.... silly stuff like that..

Anyway... after the scan, I found out that I lost the baby that night.
I already knew... so, when the gynae told me, I was numb.
My husband... well... he did nothing. He said nothing. Which is not unusual, as he didn't speak much.. but... FFS... I needed him.
Eventually, I just switched off from the world. I was dead inside.
I was in bed for another month. I felt that I had nowhere to go... but a place was found.
I moved out to my aunt's place... I went back to my husband.... we spoke... we went to family braais... I went back to my aunt.. I stayed at friend's... I drank.

The last straw... was December 2008.
I found a visa.. to Netherlands.. where the lady friend was.
So... the relationship had continued... all this time... all the time he'd said... he said he loved me. He lied.
Did I mention she had two children? And yet he didn't want one child with me...
It didn't matter anymore. I left... for the last time.
The next day I filed for divorce.... and he left to go play in the snow.

He came back two months later, and I had moved the rest of my personal belongings out.
We agreed to an amicable divorce and were just going to split everything 50:50 like responsible adults. No hard feelings.
Months later... and he had not supplied us with ANY information.
Instead, we were arguing over which dvd's were his.

In June 2009, I went over to dispense with the petty stuff.
Which cup do you want? Can I have the bedroom curtains? Silly stuff like that.
During our "discussion", the issue of the house came up.
He was living in it with his parents. I said that we'd probably have to sell it to settle the bond. He refused. But... we have to? He refused... and then told me to leave HIS house.
I laughed. He didn't.
He started pushing me out the living room.
He then asked for the garage remote key.
I refused.. and he got angry.
Long story short, he then twisted my arm, threatened my life, threatened to burn down the house.. and basically scared the shit out of me.
The assault charge is now postponed to February 2010.

So.. yeah.. since then.... I lost a bit of faith.
I've really tried to make this work.
I've really tried to be the person he needed me to be.
Just being me was never ever good enough...
But now I KNOW it is.
And I have people that know it too.

I don't know what the future will hold.
I don't know whether I'll be better off financially.
I don't know if I'll ever get married again or ever have children.
I'll miss my house and my cups and curtains...
But I'm happy being "just ani".

So.. yes.. congratulate me on finally letting go of a man I used to love... a man that taught me a lot... a man that has hurt me... but a man that can't hurt me anymore.

yay ani!
^_^

You spin me right round baby, right round...

2009-11-04T15:10:00.000-08:00

I LOVE Stumbleupon.
I find the most weird and wonderful things there all the time. I try to share links with my non-SU friends via Facebook and Twitter, but you really have to experience it for yourself.

Anyway, my latest find is Sophie Madeleine.
She plays the ukulele. Yes, the ukulele.
Now, the first time I was struck by the sound of the ukulele was by this gorgeous fellow. What a beautiful person.. inside and out. :)

So.. I've been listening to a lot of Sophie during my on-again-off-again "it's complicated" (well, for one of us, apparently) thing with the boy. So.. here are some lyrics that have been bouncing around my head lately.
Hold on to your hats, folks... it's a bumpy ride. ;)

I could tame the wildest animals with just one stare.
I'd even take my chances with a polar bear.
I could be in mortal danger but I wouldn't care
If I could take your love with me.

You lie awake just singing the blues all night. Goody, goody
And you think that love's a barrel of dynamite
Hooray and hallelujah, You had it coming to ya
Goody, goody for her, goody, goody for me
And I hope you're satisfied you rascal you

I want to be in your profile picture...

Pic by anitab79

Now I'm trying hard to stop you running circles in my brain.
But every lyric that I hear contains the letters of your name.
Since you left me all I think of is the music we once knew,
and I just can't stop myself from hearing love songs about you.

*sigh*
g'night.

champagne and pink drinks

2009-10-09T07:20:00.000-07:00

Time for an update on last weekend's fun.
Actually, it's way past time, but I've been busy thinking about moving out of the country.
*sigh* It's not an easy decision... and having such an awesome weekend in this amazing city just makes the decision even more difficult to make. But no one ever said this would be easy...

Anyway, last Saturday was one of those glorious Cape Town summery days. I was invited by my cousin to a birthday picnic at Kirstenbosch Gardens.
I absolutely LOVE Kirstenbosch and I go there as often as I can. It's really one of the most beautiful and serene spots in Cape Town. With the sun out, and after our recent rains, the gardens were bright and colourful and full of life.
It really felt like Spring Was HERE! :)

It turned out that none of the family could make it... so I was kinda on my own. But I soon started chatting to some people, and it was really a lovely vibe. I think the strawberries and champagne may have has something to do with that... ;) Regardless, I had a great time sitting in the sun, surrounded by gorgeous greenery and left there in a rather giddy state.

Next, I was off to see my #pinkdrink ladies at the Grand Daddy Hotel in Long Street, Cape Town. It was also a "Welcome back al_ice" party after her (too long) trip to Joburg.
It was my first time there, and it really is a very swish place... but the staff were very friendly and accommodating and we had a great time.
Pink drinks were ordered, food was eaten and lots of catching up was done.
I can't believe that these ladies were complete strangers only a couple of months ago. I met them via twitter and since then, they've been an amazing source of love and support.
Thank you ladies... you guys are the best thing since.. um.. twitter! lol!

Sunday was the Portuguese Festival at the V&A Waterfront.
It was ok. :/
I guess it was a bit of a downer because I really wanted to share it with some friends.
Seeing my ex-boyfriend's evil ex there didn't really improve my mood...
But... the food was good. It always is.
And I had a few drinks.. in front of my mother.
It's the little things in life sometimes... ;)
I will have to find those pics and upload them later...

So.. that was it.
Oh.. I also attended a party on Friday.
Lots of stairs in high high heels makes ani grr grr.
The drinks were expensive. The music was too loud.
But the late night coffee afterwards made me forget most of that. :)

I think I should probably take a break this weekend.
I have so much that I still need to do...
Just thinking about it, drives me to drink.
Oh well... if I'm gonna drink, let it be pink!

And yes... I'm ok.
I think.
xx

ani plays model

2009-09-27T01:08:00.000-07:00

Well... Saturday was fun. :)
I was invited by a friend to model for the Cape Town Photography Meetup organised by Jürgen's Photography.
Initially, I balked at the idea.
I have a teeny tiny bit of an exhibitionist side.. but it's often overwhelmed by my deeply insecure side.
Insecure-ani had a field day...
"What will I wear?" "How do I fix my hair?" "My eyebrows are hideous!" "The pictures are going to suck.. they're going to hate me" etc etc... ad NAUSEAUM!
I don't like insecure-ani.
But I'm becoming quite good at putting that bitch in her place.. ;)

Anyway, my friend assured me that the photographers were only interested in lighting and composition... and had very little interest in the emotional wellbeing of the model. With my fagile, but quite oversized ego crushed and then firmly put in its place.. I decided to just go ahead and try it.
I got my eyebrows waxed (aside: remind me to write a rant about that barbaric process), put on my new favourite hat to hide my hair and took the LONG but really lovely drive to Hout Bay. (Another aside: I LOVE Cape Town. Truly, truly... the most beautiful city in the world!)

Ok.. so.. long story short.. here are the pics.
And here are some of my personal favourites (of me, of course ;P):

Jason
Andre

AJ

Nick

Tatum

Wilfried

Well, I'm very happy with all the pics.. thank you to all the photographers.
And... I'm very proud of me.
*goofy grin*

A 4 A 4 eva!

2009-09-19T12:33:00.000-07:00

and that's my motto... for the rest of this year, at least. :)

after another long week of emotional drama...
i've decided that i am spending the rest of the year on ME.
i really really want to help the people that i love... but i have to take care of me.
i've spent way too much time and effort getting to this path in my life.
i owe it to myself to really find my way.

i am really tired now.. so i wont go into all the details.
but i know that the people who love me, will be there for me.
thank you.
xx

edit: this song seemed appropriate.

Tell the truth

2009-09-17T22:21:00.000-07:00

It's a Facebook thing.. but I don't want to depress my Facebook friends.
Actually, I just dont want them to worry.
This is just a mood.. and it shall pass... but at least it's honest.
Anyway... so this is me today, 7.22am with ONE cup of coffee.
I could try it a bit later and be a bit happier.. but.. meh.

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
coffee and marie biscuits with butter.
breakfast of the poor and unemployable.

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
the facebook one was taken at mersey bar in cape town with al_ice.
the one here was a self portrait, taken in polokwane.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
no.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today.
no one yet. although i do chuckle at my own emo-ness sometimes.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
10ish... um.. i guess i was tired.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
a tropical island would be nice.
right now, anywhere but here.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
no.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
all my friends live in my computer. :/

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
i dont know yet.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
no feelings.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
tuesday. i had a soft cry last night, though.

12. Who took your profile picture?
I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
christel.
will see if i can recover the picture, but it was taken at the now infamous games evening last week.
i have no further comment on that evening.
lots of unresolved feelings.. but no further comment.

14. Was yesterday better than today?
too early to tell.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
yes. as long as there's internet...

16. Are you upset about anything?
constantly, it seems.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
i dont know yet.

18. Are you a bad influence? Why?
um.. no. maybe. shrug. i have no idea what influence i might have.

19. Night out or night in?
"out".. if i can. but i usually can't.. so "in" for now.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
laptop with internet access. and coffee. and cheese. and my car.
money would be nice... but i have a credit card for now.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
i spent a few minutes with myself last year... it was like visiting a stranger. :/

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
i don't even know where my cellphone is... probably a credit card payment confirmation.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
confuzzled.
tired.

24. Do you hate anyone?
only some aspects of me.

25. If we were to look in your face book inbox, what would we find?
messages from groups. nothing sauce, i'm afraid.

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
i dont remember that kind of stuff.

27. What song is stuck in your head?
my head is empty right now.

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
my secret admirer.

29.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
i just want to have kids... the rest is up to them.

30. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
nothing. but i should probably go clear my credit card soon.

31. Do you think too much or too little?
much.

32. Do you smile a lot?
shrug.

Try

2009-09-11T01:03:00.000-07:00

I made this video before I fell hopelessly in love and before I met the most awesome people that I now call friends. None of that could've happened if I hadn't made the decision to TRY.

The other night... I helped a friend.
All I did was tell her: I'm here.
I have had so many people "be there" for me...
If I look back and look at the love I've received... I'm overwhelmed.
When I have the chance to give back some of what I've received... well, it truly is the greatest gift we can give each other.

So... this is for the people that I love.. and the people that love me.
And this is for the ones that don't feel the love yet... trust me... it's there for you.
"You can have it all... if you only Try"

*hugs the world*

and.. this is even more selfish self-promotion... but this video is for all of you too.
^_^

FML

2009-08-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

making some room for an epic post...
about catholic guilt...
and feeling "worth it"...
and loving yourself.

will think about it some more in the mean time.

still standing

2009-08-21T02:34:00.000-07:00

firstly, my apologies for that last post.
i've been a tad emo (ha! i'm the mistress of understatements! ;P).
my initial instinct was to delete, delete, delete. i do that ALL the time ie run and hide away from the world when things look rough.
yes, i'm a bit of a drama princess (my mama's the queen, ok?!).
some might say that it's just passionate.. but it's damn exhausting and i don't do it on purpose.
it helps that i recognise the drama and can laugh at myself afterwards.

despite my personal issues, i've decided that it stays.
this is just who i am at the moment.. take it or leave it.
anyway, i am now eating and sleeping properly again.
throw in some cool drugs and i'm slowly approximating normality.
then again, who wants to be normal?
heh. ok, i'll leave that discussion for another day.

why am i here again...? oh yes...
i'd like to get 2008 out of my system... completely.
there is still so much unfinished business from that year of hell.
like.. i haven't quite finalised the divorce yet... i didn't exactly quit my job properly... and i never did go to that follow-up gynae appointment.

wow. so much shit from one little year... !!
there are days when i really can't believe that i'm still standing.
anyway... i've been to therapy and talked it all out.
i've cried on the shoulders of friends and family and complete strangers...
but... there are times when it all comes flooding back and i just can't breathe.

like today.

i had to explain to a complete stranger why i took a couple of months off work as unpaid sick leave. my short answer was: stress.
the long answer? well, the quiet desperation that i spoke about here just grew.
there was work stress... and there was home stress....
each affected the other, i suppose...
but i couldn't handle my whole world falling apart at the same time.
the details are exhausting to go through... but it was a year of loss.
what did i lose?
- my job
- some "friends"
- my husband's fidelity
- my unborn child
- my husband
- my home
- my joy in life
- my hopes
- my dreams
- my sanity
- my desire to live
- and 10 kg (oh, but i got that all back! ;P)

at least i hardly ever lost my sense of humour.
oh, there were times that my humour got really dark...
but i still managed to laugh through a lot of the pain.
thank goodness for my amazing friends and family that never ever let me fall down.
i stumbled a lot... and it's been a bumpy ride...
but i'm on my way to a super new amazing life.

*breathes*

ok.
i'll be ok.
xx

thank you for listening.

she always gets what she wants...

2009-08-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

argh! this damn song has been stuck in my head all week.
f**k you, prime circle.
f**k you for making me think when all i want to do is have some guilt-free fun!
here's the song on YT. here's the band's website. here are the damn words.
and this is what's been going through my head...

it's been a weird day...
*sigh*

a new beginning

2009-07-25T04:50:00.000-07:00

i started this blog with no idea of where i was going to go with it.
i know that i wanted something separate from my space at stumbleupon (SU).
there were many reasons why i joined SU in 2006 but i think it was mainly boredom.
i had just qualified as a chartered accountant and had a great job with good prospects.
i was married, just bought a new house, had a good relationship with family and had some nice friends too.
i wasn't supposed to still be unhappy with all of this.
but i was... B O R E D ! ! !

anyway... SU's been a great distraction... but, deeper than that, it's really helped me define this "ani" person.
for a large part of my life, i'd been known by another name. let's call her Maria (the real name is too horrid for words).
anyway... Maria was a good little girl. she went to sunday school every sunday.
she came top of the class and got A's for everything.
she was prefect and head girl and all things sugar and spice.
she was also fat and ugly and basically disappeared into the background, so as not to offend too many people with her mere presence. (yes, i've always been like this. ;P)
slowly but surely, she was spotted by another girl trying to hide away from the world.
together, they explored the darkest corners of their hearts and minds... and, together, they found some light.
that girl was my boni and i will always love her for that. always. xx

anyway. somehow, i made it through high school with a boyfriend and was off to find some freedom at university. little did i know that university was just a big high school, where everyone's on break all the time. and i HATED break time. *sigh*
the one good thing i managed to do was change my name back to anita. with that, came a lot of bad memories, but i would deal with those later.
oh, and i also discovered the internet.. which was the beginning of another part of my life and would later help me more than i would ever believe.
otherwise, there was no time to "discover" myself as i became a graduate and girlfriend while maintaining my other challenging roles as daughter and friend.
a quiet desperation started to grow... and i was soon hit with a dark depression.

being "anita" was not easy. stuff from my childhood came back to haunt me... these things never go away. i'd spent most of my life running and hiding away from me... now i had to face it.
after getting the help i needed, i came to embrace "little anita" and tried my best to make up for lost time.
but, being a little girl in a big world is not an easy task. i never did feel the acceptance that she so deperately needed. ofcourse.. i was looking in all the wrong places at the time...
anyway, i carried on... getting a nice job, being a nice girl, getting married, doing housewifey stuff.
and the desperation grew...

as my real life became more unreal, i escaped further into the unreal and the cyber world.
looking back, i realised i was looking for a place to just be me.
for a long time, my tag line was "stumbling through life, just being me."
that only seemed possible online.
slowly, i started realising that online people were real people... and, if they could like me as i was.. well.. maybe i was ok, just as i was.

to be continued...

post one

2009-05-06T03:58:00.000-07:00

i'm ani.
with a small "a".
most of my letters are small.
my thoughts are small.
my dreams are small.
all i really want is to be heard.
outside of my other forms of online expression,
i'd like this to be a private place for me just to... be.

so.
hi.
:)