Closer to Fine

🎵 Happy Birthday to Meeeeee! You look like an old girl, but you're just 1 plus 43. 🎵

Eish. Ja. That's quite a big number. It gets harder getting older. You have to start using your toes to count!

But you dont have to act older... thank goodness! I like to tell people that I decided to stop growing up after 29. 29 was a really hectic year... 2008 had the miscarriage and divorce, crippling depression, and a little econmic bubble burst... overall just objectively bad. 

But! I moved on and out and learned so much more about myself in 2009... another self, away from family and friends, making new friends, falling in and out and out and out of love! Fun. Fun. Fun!

Record scratch and all of a sudden we're in 2023 and turning 44. It's not a momentous number.... but it's been a challenging year. Losing my mom and close friends (again and again and again!) was objectively hard. BUT! We're still standing. I dont even know how... but we are!

And this year, we also have the Barbie movie to celebrate! SO MUCH PIIIIIINK!!! I am trying my hardest not to get obessessed.... BUT.... SHE IS OBSESSED! lol.

It's been such a lovely surprise.... and I hard relate to everything in this movie. Trying to be a perfect princess in a weird world. And then being a weird princess in a normal world. It's just so good! 

And did I mention the pink?! 

Anyway.... enough of the sillines (ha! never!). One of the touching moments, was when the mom and daughter sing this song together on their way back to the Barbie world. I've obviously heard this song before, but there's now a slower version which is bittersweet and beautiful. These are a few of my favourite lyrics:

I'm trying to tell you something 'bout my life
Maybe give me insight between black and white?
But the best thing you've ever done for me
Is to help me take my life less seriously
'Cause it's only life after all, yeah, it's only life after all

Well, darkness has a hunger that's insatiable
And lightness has a call that's hard to hear
I wrap my fear around me like a blanket
I sailed my ship of safety 'til I sank it
I'm crawling on your shores

I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains
I looked to the children, I drank from the fountains
But there's more than one answer to these questions
Pointing me in a crooked line

And the less I seek my source for some definitive
The closer I am to fine

The closer I am to fine, yeah 

Ah man, god bless artists! Through all my life adventures, I really am starting to feel closer to fine. Good enough!

*spoiler alert*

There's a beautiful story behind Barbie of a mother and daughter reconciling their relationship. I was a little bit sad that they didn't include Dana from Barbie and the Rockers in the movie. My mom got me Dana when I actually wanted a "real" Barbie. She said at the time that she wanted to get a doll that looked like me. And now, looking back, I realise that she didn't see what I saw. I wanted to be blonde Barbie whereas she got the prettiest doll that looked like me. 

Ja hey...Moms. <3

Love n stuff.

~anib

Diamonds and pearls

Well that was a long time coming. I've finally given away all my old jewelry. Literally... almost twenty years worth of crap. Gah!

Just from the picture above, I can pick up a few stories. There were a few beaded necklaces from a very dear friend of mine when I left my first job in 2007. There's some pearls that I bought to wear to church. There's the white beaded necklace when I decided to go hippy.  There's the evil claw when I was a little goth in high school. There's some beads from my grandmother. And a necklace that I got gifted at Afrikaburn "Archetypes".

There's a whole bunch of stuff that I bought because it was cheap and on sale and I wanted to feel good for a little bit, when clothes didn't fit or I couldn't afford anything else. Crap that I didnt even wear once because the thrill was temporary.  Good bye.

The heart shaped box was a gift that I left for my ex-husband because I had to go away on a business trip over Valentines' Day, probably around 2008. And during that holiday away, I was chatting to some other guys on gtalk. I was not in a good space. I got divorced later that year. (And literally..... I was in Polokwane!)

And I see some beads I got at the Turkey airport in 2012 and then I found that you can get them here as well. Bah. And that blue necklace from university days that I would wear constantly for years...

So much crap. I'm glad I got to gift it to the Bedazzled camp at Afrikaburn. And it's all now gone and I have more space and can actually see what I have. Lots more to clean up and clear out.
Onwards!

~anib

daddy's little girl

Well there went January... oh and hello February.
I have actually been busy. I'll try to write more.
But, to be honest, having actual therapy is making this form of cheap therapy a bit redundant.

looking up

I survived Valentine's Day. It wasn't a big issue. I feel so loved and accepted by new and old friends at the moment. It's amazing. And new. I dont think I've ever felt like that before... even in a relationship. And that's um... well that's kinda sad, I guess.

I guess the trance parties are part of the abundant joy I have right now. It's a little piece of paradise that I find hard to explain. I try here. I've met new people... I've done new things... I can just be. Happiness!! :)

But still. It's hard to ignore the intimate relationship part of Vday. I didnt think about it too much... until I saw videos of Dr House singing again. Which reminded me of a "forever love" that was never really finished. Or maybe it was and I really didnt want it to be. I made the stupid mistake of saying hi again and... I walked away disappointed. Again.

I have to ask myself why I keep doing that.

On Friday night I was close to calling up the man-child again. I'm only grateful that I had blocked him on whatsapp and had to consider the hassle of unblocking and inviting him back into my life. Dinner for one worked out just fine. Although I did land up buying cigarettes because... I dont know. I guess I needed time to think and breathe.

Which brings me to the issue: why do I keep loving men who dont show me love?

*big breathe*

"i thought too much. i worried too much."

This is really difficult because I'd like to think that my dad and I had a good relationship. The honest truth is that we didnt have a relationship. And, for a very long time, I was just a little girl looking for love and attention.

My earliest memory was of him teaching me how to swim in the sea and him holding me while I kicked in the waves. But, earlier than that, I remember I did something really bad and he hit me. He never hit me after that but I guess I had always been trying to get his approval since. And maybe I'm still trying... looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate for attention. That's a hard realisation... and not an observation that I like about myself.

I had a whole bunch of other things going on as a little girl that I dont really want to go into here. But, in many ways, I felt very alone in the world. I guess I was always looking for someone to protect me and save me from bad things. That never happened. And I got horribly heartbroken every time one of my men let me down.  Living up to my impossible standards, I suppose that was inevitable. :(

So I'm spending some time with little ani again. She needs some healing. I've been looking at posts from my old StumbleUpon blog which included letters that I had written to her. At that stage, I was starting to get disappointed by my ex-husband and my world was falling apart.

1 June 2008: 
an ode to the little one
i have walked a long path with you, my dear
i should've held your hand and helped you
but it was you... you held me up..
you're a brave, strong little girl
and i will always love you
but now you can walk on your own
and i must grow up
goodbye little girl
*hug*

And again in 2010, after another heartbreak....

5 June 2010:  
little one... i love you. 
you're brave...and strong... and i love you... deeply. 
you are more than this... you are safe... you are loved. 
you are special... you are greater than your body.. your spirit shines bright. 
i love you. i love you. 
xx 

So here I sit... with this impossible heartbreak.
I dont know how to move on from here.

~anib

still standing

firstly, my apologies for that last post.
i've been a tad emo (ha! i'm the mistress of understatements! ;P).
my initial instinct was to delete, delete, delete. i do that ALL the time ie run and hide away from the world when things look rough.
yes, i'm a bit of a drama princess (my mama's the queen, ok?!).
some might say that it's just passionate.. but it's damn exhausting and i don't do it on purpose.
it helps that i recognise the drama and can laugh at myself afterwards.

despite my personal issues, i've decided that it stays.
this is just who i am at the moment.. take it or leave it.
anyway, i am now eating and sleeping properly again.
throw in some cool drugs and i'm slowly approximating normality.
then again, who wants to be normal?
heh. ok, i'll leave that discussion for another day.

why am i here again...? oh yes...
i'd like to get 2008 out of my system... completely.
there is still so much unfinished business from that year of hell.
like.. i haven't quite finalised the divorce yet... i didn't exactly quit my job properly... and i never did go to that follow-up gynae appointment.

wow. so much shit from one little year... !!
there are days when i really can't believe that i'm still standing.
anyway... i've been to therapy and talked it all out.
i've cried on the shoulders of friends and family and complete strangers...
but... there are times when it all comes flooding back and i just can't breathe.

like today.

i had to explain to a complete stranger why i took a couple of months off work as unpaid sick leave. my short answer was: stress.
the long answer? well, the quiet desperation that i spoke about here just grew.
there was work stress... and there was home stress....
each affected the other, i suppose...
but i couldn't handle my whole world falling apart at the same time.
the details are exhausting to go through... but it was a year of loss.
what did i lose?
- my job
- some "friends"
- my husband's fidelity
- my unborn child
- my husband
- my home
- my joy in life
- my hopes
- my dreams
- my sanity
- my desire to live
- and 10 kg (oh, but i got that all back! ;P)

at least i hardly ever lost my sense of humour.
oh, there were times that my humour got really dark...
but i still managed to laugh through a lot of the pain.
thank goodness for my amazing friends and family that never ever let me fall down.
i stumbled a lot... and it's been a bumpy ride...
but i'm on my way to a super new amazing life.

*breathes*

ok.
i'll be ok.
xx

thank you for listening.