2022 in Review

Another year gone... and I'm so very happy that this one is going away soon. 
Found these questions via Nafisa and I think they're pretty cool. So, let's go! 

1. What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?
Travelled to Israel! What a trip. I missed my friend so much but I'm so glad I went. 

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I dont think I made any this year. It was a rough start to the year with an anxiety attack but I'm glad I'm now on medication for this.

3. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
Will hopefully be seeing the London fireworks... in London!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. So many people. :(

5. What countries did you visit?
Israel and flying to UK tomorrow!

6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?
Joy. Happiness. Peace. Friends.

7. What date from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
6 May. Getting the phone call from the hospital at 4am... the whole day was a lot.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I like just survived, hey? Managed to reach out and make some new friends. Kept trying to stay alive. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being on tiktok too much.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just mental illness but I got help for that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Very exciting waterproofing! OMG and a dishwasher! #adultingAF

12. Where did most of your money go?
Travel! And medicine!

13. What song will always remind you of 2022?
Harry Styles – As It Was (Thanks TikTok)

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Cant think of anything...

16. What was your favourite TV program?
Rewatched the entire This is Us. So good and healing.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Ha. Trying not to.

18. What was the best book you read?
I dont read much. :(

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Harry Styles.

20. What was your favourite film of this year?
Encanto!

21. What did you do on your birthday?
Manicures and pedicures with my sister-in-law and nieces.

22. What kept you sane?
My home.

23. Who did you miss?
Friends.

24. Who was the best new person you met?
Family of my best friend in Israel. 

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022.
Life is too short. Ask for help.

Here's to 2023!
~anib
xx 

New year, who dis?

Dear blog... I'm sorry for neglecting you... again. But if you dont know me by now, gurl.... then I cant help you. :) And I realise how ridiculous it is to do a new year blog in March.... but 2019 has been a lot already. Happy New Year.... and thank fuck 2018 is finally over.

So.... 2018. What a year. I went to BOOM!!!! festival which was.... !!!!! No, truly, it was the best experience I've ever had. It had its challenging moments as well but I've been spoiled by that festival experience in so many ways. I spent so much time alone and wondering about the point of it all... and then tried to stop thinking so much and just experience the moments: the giant 40,000 people dancefloor, watching the full moon eclipse, the awe inspiring art, the heat, the lake, those cold showers, the tree hotel, the chill dancefloor, the best flow artists in the world, the being fields, the adult playground, the food (omg), acai ice cream, the giant ants, the ozzies, the israelis, the saffas, the toilets, the graffitti..... aargh... so much!  It was good, despite the logistics and money and bugs. It was good.

And then a week of Lisbon, mostly on my own, was truly relaxing and interesting and fun and scary and emotional and hot and good. It was good. All good.

And then back home. Where nothing has been good ever since. Well, you know... it wasn't all bad but I guess I've just been slowly spirally towards a depression low. 

I've had possibly the biggest and most heart breaking time with friends and trying to figure out who I am outside of friendships that I thought were solid. I've been trying to find my ground after a difficult psychedelic experience and possibly a psychotic break. I've been trying, trying, trying to find some kind of normal, some kind of stable, while everything around me seems to be shifting and moving way outside my comfort zone. I've yet to find it, to be honest. I've been struggling daily with what is real, what can be trusted, and who.... who on earth I can rely on in this lonely planet.

So far, I'm holding onto me, myself and I... which is dodgy at best and comforting in my saner moments. I think I might actually be losing my mind but people seem to think I'm doing ok. So, on I go, I guess. I'm still employed and I own a home... so perhaps I'm not doing too badly. Who needs humans, I guess?

I feel like I don't know what makes me happy anymore. I do enjoy my new home... when I'm home alone though. That's a whole challenge on its own. But my desire or need to go out to trance parties has significantly decreased. There's lot of reasons for that. My home at parties has been taken away from me but, also, perhaps... I have nothing that I'm running away from anymore. Home is a good place for me to be. I spend most weekends at home and really enjoy it. I'd like to spend it with more friends and family but I cant really force people to visit me. Like, I've actually tried.... I cant anymore.

Shrug

It is what it is, I guess.

I'm trying my best to move into 2019 with some confidence and self love. But the lingering self doubt continues. So we'll continue to fake it until we make it, I guess. And keep trying to find that tinest spark of joy or hope for better days.

Onwards.

~anib

New house, who dis?

I have a home. My own house. A house with a giant double story mermaid mosaic. Of course I do. But also... OMG I ACTUALLY REALLY DO! It's a little hard to believe... and process... but it's real.

So it's been a month since I've officially moved in. The first week was a whirlwind of boxes and unpacking and dusting and frustration and excitement. I had a few friends over to sit around a fire, in a house with no furniture, plotting and planning what to do with the walls and space. There is so much space! This was initially terrifying, being surrounded by so much emptiness, but I'm getting more used to it now.

I managed to find lovely couches and some other bits of furniture so it's starting to look more like a home. I've spent a few nights wondering if this was the biggest mistake I've ever made or the best. Only time will tell, but it's been an experience that I'm learning to love. I'm starting to explore what I like and putting together a place that I can welcome friends and feel at home.

I'll put up some pictures later... and I'm having a house warming when I return from BOOM festival in August. So, for now, I'm happy in the space, excited for the future and hoping the economy doesn't crash!

Oh yeah. And I'm going to Boom festival in Lisbon next week. All casual like.
SO MUCH EXCITE!

Will hopefully catch up on that when I return.

toodles.
~anib

Girl friends

No Dorothy Black, this is not lovely....

this actually pissed me off so much, that I had to have some calming tea. All I see is a couple of lying bitches who want to see you fall.

*sigh*

At least I know why this pisses me off. For me, I have never been able to trust female friends. They've always seemed to betray me in some way or abandon me or generally not be reliable in any way. Because of this, I have tended to stay away from female friendships because I just dont trust women.

I know (through therapy), that this is largely due to my mom's inability to show me unconditional love. I know she loves and cares about me in her way but her way is filled with a lot of conditions, including "be good", "be quiet" and "dont embarrass me." (And I'm equally hard on others for the same things, of course.)

This affects so many things in my life. I lose myself in relationships with men because I so desperately want to be loved. I hold back in friendships with women because I'm so scared of being judged. I'm constantly self critical despite because nothing I ever do is ever good enough. And I've learnt not to trust anyone or anything and just do everything myself.

In fact, today, on the way to work, I saw a dog that had been ridden over. My only thought was that I should probably call someone to clean it up. It bothers me... a lot... that I have very little compassion for animals. It's not something I openly admit to because then people assume you're a psycho killer. I once explained to someone that I dont trust animals because I think they're just after something (food, shelter etc) and I dont see how you can care for something that just uses you. I realise, deeply and painfully, how fucked up this is. I'm kinda glad that motherhood seems to evade me. :/

You're supposed to learn unconditional love from your parents. If you dont, are you doomed to just never be able to accept love from anyone or anything?

Well maybe you're just doomed to life time therapy and learning to be ok with being alone.

Hat tip to Bean for this.... because I just dont get it. 

meh.

~anib

update on 2014

So. It's been a while.

I usually only feel like writing when I'm horribly miserable and I dont really want to explore all of those emotions publicly. I'm a little less miserable at the moment as I've been sick with some type of flu and a really bad cough for a few weeks now. But perhaps a random (and vague) catch-up of my mental state is important (at least for me).

Well nothing has changed in my personal life. In the romance field... nothing is growing. Not even a sniff of a possibility. I've sort of tried to accept that I'm actually not ready for a relationship anyway and subjecting someone to the mess that is me, at this point in my life, would be a little dangerous. But still. You know.

In the field of friendships.... I am not really trying. In fact, I seem to be pushing people away. I've written off quite a few friends over small transgressions (and some with good reason, I think). It's got more to do with me, of course, but I haven't let anyone into my circle of trust in a long time. And I really dont want to let back anyone from my past. If I've made mistakes, tough. But I do still wonder what if, maybe, but...? And that doesn't help.

I'm still a bit social in small doses... but nothing of any substance, I think. People appear to like me but, I um... am not convinced. The doc and my only close(ish) friend has reminded me on numerous occasions that the only person who doesn't like me is me. Touche.

The doc says I'm depressed and have been for a while. And here I thought, this was the happiest I've been in a while. I am actually really happy at work. And I still have a great time at trance parties (although I have cut down on this "addiction" this year). I guess I still have a shit load of unresolved issues that come up from time to time... which I'm working through... kinda. You know.

The hardest part of life at the moment is being on my own... with myself... by myself.

A friend's mother passed away recently and another friend's mother is dying from cancer. I feel like a terrible friend because I really just cant deal with things like this. I'm having dreams about my father and grandmother... and I wake up and feel like I'm mourning their loss all over again. I still dont get on with my mother which is apparently why I'm unable to make female friends. So.... there's also that. I honestly dont see any resolution in this... ever. That's pretty depressing.

Otherwise, I'm just looking forward to getting away from Cape Town over the silly season. I need a proper break away from everything. I'm always so tired over November and December and I really need to take care of myself. I'm trying. In small doses.

Hopefully next year, I will have enough money to go away on my own. For now, I just need to get better.

Toodles.

~anib

Zen and the art of cutting

Memories are funny things. And good intentions are supposed to be good things. And the universe, sometimes, has a pretty weird sense of humour. Such is life.

So a friend of mine is getting married on my wedding day. Well, my ex-wedding day. But still. It matters. To me. I think. I'm not sure if it should... but it does... sorta. I think? *sigh* This is my brain at the moment. Sorry.

ANYway... so I offered to help her with some things and I landed up cutting paper butterflies. Yay butterflies! 2013 was the year of the butterfly for me personally (for many reasons) but I haven't yet turned into a butterfly. I have my moments but the butterfly is still really important to me and I am working really hard on blossoming into one (so to speak).

So... I start losing myself in cutting up the tiny paper butterflies and my mind wanders to weddings and love and romance and I try to steer my head back into the here and now ... and then Alanis Morisette comes on the playlist. Oh come on, universe. Really?!

Nothing takes me back to the icky times in my life than old Alanis. My ex-husband and I used to do mix tapes (oh 90's i miss you) for each other when we were dating  and one of the songs I put on a tape for him was "Head over Feet."

You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that.....
You've already won me over in spite of me. And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet....
I've never felt this healthy before. I've never wanted something rational

That was my "declaration of love." That was me, in all of my vulnerability, saying "I love you - Please love me back." That was me being certain... being so very careful with my heart and then being so very sure that this was "it" and handing it over. And I was wrong. (As an aside, that was also me having very low standards. Ha. #regret )

It's so very easy getting angry at "the other" in a relationship. He did many things wrong. But I did too. I made mistakes. I was wrong. And that's a bitter (and jagged!) little pill to swallow sometimes.

I made a mistake then. I'm not sure if the mistake was to trust him or to let myself fall in love so ridiculously that I lost all sense of myself. Would anyone have been able to stop that? Was the whole relationship a mistake or did I learn something from it? Some days... I'm not sure if much has changed.

I had all of this is swirling around in my head as I carried on delicately cutting up tiny paper butteflies. All the ups and downs were going on in my head... from regret to pain to sweet nostalgia... but none of it actually changed my reality. I am here because of all that happened in my past. All those experiences (bad and good) are part of me and who I am today.

So enough of regret. And enough of punishing myself for being me, when I really didnt know any better.

Sometimes I worry that my feelings will overwhelm me so I try not to get into the sads. But I'm still ok. I felt all the feels... and life went on.

Life is weird. Good intentions are still good. And memories are still funny things.
But life goes on regardless of your mistakes.

Mistakes happen and the only thing you can do is learn from them and enjoy the weird, lovely, funny experiences along the way.
I need to be a little kinder to myself.
And remind myself that it's ok to be human.... with a butterfly heart. :)

~anib

Blog Challenge - Day 17 to 19 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

Post a photo of your handwriting
really? um... will get back to this one. 

If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?
flying. not a fan of walking or driving.

Go to a coffee shop. Order your favorite drink/snack, and write about whatever you feel like. (A life lately post, what makes you happy, what makes you sad etc.)
how about i just stay home and do this?

well i'm writing this at 12:10am 21.12.2013. 
last year, we were celebrating the end of the world on 21.12.2012. 
today i will be attending the love and light party. 
that's how my life has turned out.
yesterday was our team staff party and it was just awesome.
tomorrow i have "trance friends" at my house and it will be awesome.
i have family here and a new niece. 
i have health and happiness.
this is all i wanted.

xx

~anib

Blog Challenge - Day 1 to 3 of 31 days of Blogging

I could write something personal and touching but I have a therapist for that. And I just dont want to talk about what I'm thinking or feeling these days. So... let's try this: A blog challenge for 31 days... that will not be updated daily. But we'll see how it goes.

Born in Woodstock. Grew up in Maitland. Schooled in Goodwood. Lived in Bellville, Parow, Plumstead, West Beach and now back to the 'wood.

Was top of the class in primary school and high school. Prefect and head girl type. Went to UCT. BCom(Acc). Failed final honours year but got first time pass in Board 1 and 2 and qualified as a CA(SA).

Had one boyfriend in high school (18) that I married when I was 23. He was 13 years older. Got divorced when I was 29 after a year of trial separation. Partly due to an online love interest (me and then him) but also had a miscarriage and related depression. I am still repaying his debt (our home loan). He has disappeared.

Quit my job at the time and was unemployed for almost 2 years. Took a massage class. And did pilates. Met a boy that was serious. And then met a few other boys that weren't.  Met a man that made me pay for everything including his bail money. Took him to Mozambique too. Paid for everything.

Met a trance acquaintance at ex-boy's wedding. Went to trance parties more often. Met lots of interesting people. Have a new family that loves me for me. Went to Afrikaburn!

Father died in May 2012. Went to Portugal that year to visit family and to Helsinki (to meet a man).

Have a new job now that interests and excites me.

I smile a lot more easily these days.

~249 words

1. dancing
2. making someone smile
3. toasted cheese sandwich
4. kissing
5. the colour pink
6. youtube
7. the wizard of oz
8. earbuds
9. laughing
10. lindt dark chocolate balls.

Hard one. Not a lot of pics that I like of me but trance parties have made me look good with bright happy pics of me all over the place. The truth is, I dont always feel super happy. But this pic from Origin 2013... I was pretty happy and relaxed. I made lots of new friends and had fun.Also... the happy hat made its début at this party.

Next update in a few days time. Have Vortex this weekend. :)

~anib

The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 


Good night, lovelies.
xx

~anib

This is it

This is the part where I tell you about my lovely trip overseas and how wonderful and refreshed I feel.
This is the part where I tell you I followed my heart and it didnt get broken again.
This is the part where I tell you being back home feels great and I cant wait to get back into my old life.
This is the part where I tell you I missed my friends a lot and they missed me.

But it isn't.

The trip was ok... there were beautiful moments, moments of tears and laughter... but it was long and challenging too.
My heart didn't get broken but it did get a little hurt. I wanted more.
And home feels like a foreign place. Cape Town is cold and unfriendly.
My friends feel.... distant. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe it's too soon. It's probably me.

And then life.. and Death... relentlessly takes its toll.
Another death this week. Not enough life...
I am sad today.
It is too much.

Daddy Blues

There are moments when it all just hits you.
You will never see my kids... if I even have kids. will i ever have kids?
I will never know if you even liked me.. god dammit... why didnt you say anything?
I have to take care of your wife now. where the hell is my life?

i get pissed off at myself for wasting time... for not doing more, being more.
i get mad that maybe it's your fault that i need constant validation from men.
how the hell do i stop making the same mistakes? when do i get my chance??
i am sad... and guilty... for taking this trip overseas with mom... with your money. yes, it ours but still.
i hate that your death felt like a relief.... that the pain had stopped... that all our pain had stopped.

except it hasn't.

i wish i had more time.
to say thank you.
and sorry.
and
do you love me?

~anib

It's not perfect

I thought I wasn't ok in my last post.... I had no idea.
My father died last week.
He'd been ill for a long time now.... but last week... it just got worse.
He couldn't walk.. he couldn't breathe. He gave his last breathe on Saturday morning.

I didnt get to say good bye.
I wonder if he knew that I wanted to.
I wonder if I could've said or done anything more.
Something... anything... we just wanted a little bit more.

The funeral was yesterday. I gave the eulogy.
Some people said I was brave. I didnt know that I had a choice.
Today... I decided to not be brave. Today, I was sad.
Today I slept... holding the teddy bear he bought me when I was 13 (yes, way too old for a teddy).

old handsby ~fmamb

I've worn his wedding ring as a chain all week... but today I actually looked at it for the first time.
(Time to face the reality, I guess.)
It's not a perfect circle.
I guess 34 years of marriage takes its toll.
As does 74 years of hard work, I guess.
My father worked too hard... every fucking day in the shop... with not much to show for it.
We have enough. We'll be fine. And my brother and I are smart kids...  we'll be fine.
But I just HATE it that someone who is a good person, who never harmed a single thing, with a warm and gentle spirit... can still get fucked by this world.
Yeah.... I am angry at you, world.
So angry and so sad.
Because it's all just unfair.

*breathe*

I came here to say that just because it's not perfect, doesn't mean it's not good..... and ok.
But I dont feel ok today.
So no happy ending today.
Take that, world.

~anib

The truth

If you want to find the truth... you have to admit to all your lies.

I lie. A lot.

I lie to myself, more than anything. And on days like today... I feel like I just cant trust what I think or feel. On days like this.. I rely on other people to tell me I'm ok. Which can be so very dangerous... because people are human... and say things without thinking... and.... well, yeah... you shouldn't need to rely on someone else to feel like you're ok.

The truth is: I dont feel ok.

I feel like I'm hanging onto a very very thin thread... and I'm not quite sure for how much longer I can "hang on".

The list of things on my shoulders is probably not that unmanageable.. but the combination of everything feels....overwhelming.

So, without spilling too much of the grisly details... I just have to be honest and say... No.. I am not okay.


Aside: Thank you Jenny Lawson for making it ok to not be ok. Much love for this video. xx


Ciao for now.
~ ani

What child is this?

So.. feel free to judge me or whatever.. but when one is at a hippy "do", you do hippy things. I wouldn't say I'm a hippy. I'm far too cynical about supernatural shit these days... but sometimes... sometimes.

Ok, so I was at this "hey shoo wow" festival thing and I paid a psychic to tell me my fortune.
I didn't have any burning questions, but she was looking at my cards and asked me immediately why I didn't want to get married again. She said there was this nice, intelligent man with a pure heart that was interested in me... but I was pushing him away. There's only one person I know that had shown interest... and I didn't really believe it was "real'.... so.... I was a bit shocked. +

But there was more... a lot more.
I asked some basic questions about work... and got the answers I needed.
And then I decided to be brave and ask about family. She looked again at this man.... but said he couldn't give me children (TMI but he's been snipped).
But she saw a little girl.
The girl is already on this planet.
I will be adopting her soon....

*deep breathe*

I was just.... oh my god.. I SO wanted this to be true.
At first I thought she was talking about Little Rose but she is no longer here...
I dont know how or what or why... but I feel like I should be a mother.
Could I be so wrong? Again??
I dont know.... but this just feels right.


A few other things of interest, I'll be in a new job next year and I'll be visiting Australia  but I wont emigrate from South Africa. That's all I remember....

But I just care about the baby girl.
Please please please.... let that be true.
*sigh*



+ I subsequently gave the nice man a chance... and have been having LOTS of fun. And not just fun fun.... but the emotional stuff is good too. Not sure about the future though. It could be amazing... we'll see... we'll see.

edit 2 years later - yeah it was all bullshit.

A look back at Masks

It looks like Halloween is done and dusted.

The costumes and masks have been put away.. and people can be themselves again.

However, I just see people in different costumes and masks.

It still amazes me how much effort people spend on "looking good" for other people.

How often do we say that things are just fine... when they're not.

How many times do we pretend, do we lie, do we hide our true feelings?

Are you happy doing that?

Well, I stumbled onto this post on StumbleUpon that I wrote in 2007 (although the actual event took place in 1999) that still rings true. Extract from here:

"many moons ago, i attended a dress up party as snow white.
how funny, people said, cause you're just like snow white... all sweet and innocent.

and.. well... by now you should know how much i hate being typecast as anything...
....
so... i decided to try out whiskey.
drank too much and made out with some strange guy.

but no one noticed.
and no one really cared what i did....
except me.



and so i learned...
don't let other people determine who or what you are....
just be you."

And i'm still learning.

When will I ever learn?!

xx

Puzzle Pieces

puzzle

Women's Day 2010 was a day of firsts.
I did my first ever 10km race with my cousin.
We walked it (of course) and survived the rain and wind along the way.
Yay us! I think I'm now ready to do the Blisters for Bread 20km with al_ice. Woo!

Right after that, al_ice invited me to the 12 Apostles to have lunch with Mr Awesomeness.
I had never been there and, with such delightful company, I couldn't refuse the offer.
Well, the place was as decadent as I expected. I loved the rich furnishings, the stunning views of the mountain and the sea, the delicious food and the witty humour flying across the table.
It was a perfect day. :)

So, as we settled into the post-lunch lull, I noticed a puzzle box nearby.
It was of Table Mountain at night.. with lots of blue sky pieces and black sea pieces.
It looked impossible but I thought I'd just try and see how far I could get.

I sorted out the black and blue pieces and worked on the mountain and the border for a bit.
Some pieces were missing... some were simply misplaced.
I got frustrated and left it... and then looked again and I could see how to fill a gap.
Slowly, I started seeing the pictures in the blue pieces and the subtle differences in the big blue mass.
I guessed a few.. and it worked. With others, I could just see where they fit in and they did.
Pretty soon I was so involved in the puzzle that I lost track of time.. and what was going on around me.
I looked up.. and could finally see the bigger picture and how much I had completed.
I smiled.
And then I laughed.

Isn't it funny how we often look at a situation that seems impossible.. and we're unable to see any way out?
We get frustrated with what life gives us and give up when we feel that we dont have enough.
With a bit of perseverance, a little luck and a new perspective, we often do find a way.

During the race, there were so many times when I wanted to give up.
I looked and saw everyone else running.. and I was walking.
I looked and saw all the fit and healthy people.. and I clearly wasn't.
I looked up at the rain and thought.. surely they dont expect us to run in THIS?!
But I did. Despite everything... I did it.

Some people treat life like a race.
I'm going to walk... never giving up... taking the uphills with the downhills, the rain and the sun... but, in the end, I will accomplish what I wanted to according to my own rules and standards.
This can be the only way to real happiness.

I'm still trying to figure out how to put the bits and pieces of my life together.
I still believe that I have a few pieces missing... but maybe I'm just not looking at the big picture.
I'm going to take a step back and try not to put it all together right now.
I know that I have some good stuff "put together"... and that's a pretty good start.
I'll get to the rest of the puzzle when I need to.
For now... I'm just looking at all the pieces.
I'm sure it will all click into place somehow.

Optimism?
I haz its.
^_^

Little Rose

Hey baby girl.
You came up the other day...
I was talking about "my story" to some new people and you briefly made an appearance.
Isn't that just so you. :P
I'm never quite sure what to say about you...
Technically, you don't exist but, to me, you changed my world.

I know why you had to go.... I wasn't ready to take care of you.
I had to learn that I was worth so much more than I was getting at the time.
If I could so easily love a speck like you, why did I not expect more from those around me?

And yet.. and yet... I miss you.
My desire for motherhood sometimes overwhelms me.
But I know.. I know... it's just not for me.
I can't expect a speck to love me, when I treat me the way I do.

So... that day is coming up. The day that a piece of both of our hearts died.
I remember everything... and feel everything I felt then, but I am saying nothing.
I dont know whether I've really learned my lesson, dear one.
I dont know what more can be done... I may be a lost cause.

I hope you have some pull wherever you are.
Could you ask the boss to give me some clearer signs.
I'm tired, little one... I need some light.

Yes... I see.
I see what I did there.
I need to look inside again, right?
You are a smart girl. Obviously mama's child.
Love you.
xx

Rose Red and Snow White

Life is long

I am part of the 90's "meh" generation.
I was a grunge girl... "oh well, whatever, nevermind" was our cry.
We were young, spotty rebels without a freaking clue.
Every generation has their reckless youth... and ours was no different, I guess.
The "live fast, die young" attitude was used an excuse for some pretty stupid activities. It doesn't matter, right? Life is short... try everything once... do whatever feels good to you. Right?
Well... no.
As you grow up, you realise that there are consequences to your actions.
Sometimes... life long consequences.

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."
— Chris Rock

I often despair at my generation. Why are we so self absorbed?
Perhaps the excesses of the 80's was the beginning of the "me" generation.
Having too much of everything made us feel like we were owed everything.
We just have to look at the rapid growth of Web 2.0 sites. It's all about me.
MySpace was the beginning... and look how quickly that disintegrated into a masturbatory mess.
However, pretty soon everyone (and their mother) was blogging, Facebooking and Tweeting.
Do we ever shut up about ourselves?

And yes.. I've stayed away from blogging for a very long time because I hate how self indulgent it can be. The constant introspection and self-analysis cannot be healthy. Yes, I know we pay therapists now to just talk to us about ourselves... but, in the hands of immature kids, it's a dangerous practice.
While I love the freedom that true open honest discussion gives us, is it really ok to just say whatever you want whenever you want to say it? Are there any consequences to our actions?

This isn't an attack on bloggers... it's not about the medium. It's about our intentions.
You don't have to believe in karma to be aware that all our actions, big and small, have some effect on our world.
Everything that we do or say has repercussions.
Life is long.
Think before you act.
And maybe think of others before you think of your own needs and wants and desires.
You are important and you deserve the best... but we all need each other.
Life is serious business but we all make mistakes along the way.
One bit of good news is that no matter how many times we stumble through life... it does go on.
And, with a bit of help from our friends, the burden is shared and eased.
Just ask.
I'll be there.
xx


Pic link

My idea of fun

"Wanna have some fun?"
Yeah! Life is too short... let's have FUN!
Oh wait... what do you mean by fun?
Oh... that. You just want "no strings" access to my body parts?
That's um.. sweet. Tempting.. but no thanks.
Want to know what my idea of fun is?

Let's talk about how to make the world a better place.
I want to hear your ideas, your hopes and dreams for the future.
I want to know what makes your heart ache... what makes you laugh out loud.
I want to know your deepest darkest secret... and then laugh together at how silly it is.
I want to know your fears and weaknesses... and love you anyway.
I want coffee made for me, just the way I like it.
I want chocolate and flowers.. because "I thought of you today."
Body parts? You want body parts? Let me show you how.. and where... in a million different ways. Isn't that better than one sloppy drunken night? It is for me...

Know what else is fun? Having a life growing inside you.
One that I made with you... a combination of both our lives... a part of both of us.. forever. How fun is that?!
Then we get to watch it grow... we love and nurture it together.. we learn, we grow.. together.
I see you every day, and learn more about you every day.. and love you more... every single day.
And you teach me more about myself.. and I grow and change.. and become a better person because of you. And you love me... more and more.
Are we having fun yet?

So... yeah. I like having fun.
I want fun... with someone who knows what it's really all about.
Call me when you grow up and figure it all out.

love ani.
yes... love me.
it's all or nothing.
i'm worth it.
xx

Funerals, babies and grandmothers

*started writing Monday, 15 February*

It's been a bit of a weird day.
My mother just told me this morning that there would be a funeral later today.
The funeral was for a very close family friend that has been fighting cancer for many many years.
Last week, my mother went to visit her... and just knew.. the end was nigh.
I wasn't expecting to have such an emotional response to it... but here I am... being emotional.

Firstly, this was an amazing woman... so full of life and love and passion.
My mother and her grew up together in Portugal and found each other again in Woodstock (Cape Town) decades later.
We didn't meet often, but when we did.. there was so much love between everyone.
Whenever I met her, she enveloped me with generous hugs and kisses. She made sure that the people she loved knew how she felt.
There is a bit more intricate family history... but suffice to say that she is a close family friend and she will be sorely missed by many people.
RIP Arlindina. xxx

During the service, there was lots of talk about her role as a loving mother. I think that was the part that got to my mother... and me.
When my mother lost her mother, it was a huge loss for her that she will probably never fully recover from. I think you can survive almost anything that life throws at you... but my mother doesn't WANT to. She misses her mother.. she needs her mother.. and, without her, she feels that her life is empty.
I can't say that I will ever be able to understand... until I lose my mother.
Wondering what that would feel like... lead to a lot more emotion than I was prepared for.
But wait.. there's more... *sigh*

I do miss my grandmother too... very very much.
We had a very special bond. I practically lived with her for a few years after a brutal attack at my parents' shop when I was about two. I was too scared to go back to the shop so I stayed with her in Woodstock while my parents worked. Also, during my primary school days, I would often go to her house after school.

Of course... these memories are tainted with memories of my step-grandfather.
I've spent far too many years in therapy and in depression to still have these horrible thoughts about him.
But.. I've been told (nods to Adin) that you cant control your thoughts. So.. I guess all I can do is watch them and try to understand why they're there.
I'm not prepared to discuss that man right now... but I do still hate him.
I thought that I had forgiven him for the things that he did... I don't know anymore.
But I still hate the fact that I wasn't allowed to spend time with my grandmother. He took her away from me.. and I needed her in my life.
I still do.

She was an amazing woman: strong, spiritual, funny, sweet.. generous with all that she had.
We would shop together, sow together, cook together, work in the garden together... pray together.
I also believe that she was a healer. Being a traditional Catholic Portuguese woman, she worked within her frame of reference, but I have seen her use touch therapy to heal sick people.
There were many people that would go see her to be healed.
She was the inspiration to explore the healing arts myself.

She was also the inspiration for my unborn baby.
I'm sorry.. I know that it's silly and ridiculous to still be mourning a 10 week old fetus.
I know there are people that mourn real tragedies... newborn babies, toddlers, real people that die.... *sigh* but still.
I named my baby Rose after my grandmother Rosa. It only really "lived" online in my stumbleupon world... but it lived.
So, yes.. the funeral touched a bit of a nerve around that.
Questions about whether I will ever be a mother still plague me.
Fears that I probably killed my own child still haunt me.
Sadness that it was probably never meant to be... still lingers.
And yes... I wonder if my ex-husband feels any of this pain.
If he ever really cared... If I made the right decision...
What if... what if.. what if...

So.. with all of this...
here I sit.

With these thoughts and fears and tears...
from deep dark places that I dont want to look at...
here I sit.

Here I breathe.
Here... I look up.
Here and now...
I carry on
And keep on walking.

xx