The old days

I stumbled onto this and realised... five years ago was a very long time ago. 

And although some things change... some things dont.
And maybe some people could see who I was before I even knew who it myself. :)

Sometimes I miss nice.

Sometimes I miss wearing my heart on my sleeve.

But I know I do miss old SU a LOT. 

xx

Above reviews were from xineann and b-bear from the old StumbleUpon. 

Heart pictures

Dear Little Rose

I haven't written to you in a long time... you're not forgotten, my dear. Not for one bit.
It seems like your memory pops up rather intensely at funerals. I guess I'm not good at dealing with death. I hope I never am.

But this week.. your image came up in another rather unexpected place. And since you're the only person that's actually been inside me... I guess you'd be the only one to understand all of this.

You see.. my guts are a little messed up at the moment. I know, right? I got the message... but I just need um.... a bit more direction, I think. Could you ask the folks up there to make it a little bit easier for me? Ta, hun.

Anyhoo.. there I am in a hospital ward, in a rather fetching navy blue sack, having my body being prodded and pricked. Not in a good way, darling. I had x rays done but they couldn't find anything wrong. So I was sent off to a sonar.

A sonar, darling. A fricking sonar.

So, I somehow believe they mean a different kind of sonar. But no... it's the SAME one they used to see if you were around. And all around they had pics of growing babies... and I just lost it. After all this time... I still lost it.

And here's something no one else knows... I kinda sorta hoped... against all possible odds but.... still.
I kinda hoped they would find a heart beat.

And, just like before.. they hadn't.

Instead, they found a stone.
A bloody stone FFS.

Anyway.
I have to dash.
I love you and miss you.
Take care.
xx

It still hurts

 

It's been three years since I filed for divorce. It's been a tumultuous couple of years... and it's still not finalised. It's tiring. I've been challenged emotionally so many times that I often feel like I just cant deal with any more on my plate. Throw in a couple more broken relationships along the way and I'm really a stumbling wreck.

But on I go... pretending?
Maybe just hanging in there... doing the best that I can.

I've gone through all the emotions. I've been angry and sad and given up many times. Surely, by now, I should be done with all of this? I should feel nothing. But, today, while talking to a new colleague about the drama, I realised.... I'm still hurt.

There are a couple of things that still sting from that breakup. The big thing was that he didn't think I'd be a good mother. Growing up, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mother. Now? I know nothing for sure.

I think he could actually be right about that though. Everyone I've loved and cared about in some way has grown to hate me.. .or, worse, has grown indifferent and "abandoned" me (Yes, I'm allowed to be melodramatic here). Yeah, people change and we all grow apart... but I just dont think I'm a very good friend. Or girlfriend, if we're being brutally honest. 

I'm far too selfish and self absorbed. They say that when you have a kid, you change. I was hoping that would happen. I dont want to be self absorbed... but when there's no one to take care of, what am I supposed to do? Right now, I'm just not emotionally connected to anyone and I feel a deep need to. It bothers me. It makes me feel empty. But maybe I should just be on my own for a while longer until I figure out how to be loveable.

I'm also still hurt by his betrayal. I know that I betrayed him too... but I just always expected him to always love me. Yes, I still believed in love... even when I had fallen out of love. I'm not sure I believe in anything anymore. I dont like being this cynical.. but I am. I dont know what else to be right now.

I feel bad that I hurt him. He did love me. Or maybe he just liked the idea of a wife. I once found a list that he made of pros and cons of being married to me. It was difficult to read. I think it's harder to believe he didn't actually love me.

I hate how I still feel bad about doing what was best for me.
I hate how I still make excuses for his behaviour.
I hate that I will never ever feel good enough for the best.

*breathes*

It still hurts.
I want that to stop. 

What child is this?

So.. feel free to judge me or whatever.. but when one is at a hippy "do", you do hippy things. I wouldn't say I'm a hippy. I'm far too cynical about supernatural shit these days... but sometimes... sometimes.

Ok, so I was at this "hey shoo wow" festival thing and I paid a psychic to tell me my fortune.
I didn't have any burning questions, but she was looking at my cards and asked me immediately why I didn't want to get married again. She said there was this nice, intelligent man with a pure heart that was interested in me... but I was pushing him away. There's only one person I know that had shown interest... and I didn't really believe it was "real'.... so.... I was a bit shocked. +

But there was more... a lot more.
I asked some basic questions about work... and got the answers I needed.
And then I decided to be brave and ask about family. She looked again at this man.... but said he couldn't give me children (TMI but he's been snipped).
But she saw a little girl.
The girl is already on this planet.
I will be adopting her soon....

*deep breathe*

I was just.... oh my god.. I SO wanted this to be true.
At first I thought she was talking about Little Rose but she is no longer here...
I dont know how or what or why... but I feel like I should be a mother.
Could I be so wrong? Again??
I dont know.... but this just feels right.


A few other things of interest, I'll be in a new job next year and I'll be visiting Australia  but I wont emigrate from South Africa. That's all I remember....

But I just care about the baby girl.
Please please please.... let that be true.
*sigh*



+ I subsequently gave the nice man a chance... and have been having LOTS of fun. And not just fun fun.... but the emotional stuff is good too. Not sure about the future though. It could be amazing... we'll see... we'll see.

edit 2 years later - yeah it was all bullshit.

Lessons from a cat

We dont really have cats. We have these stray cats that have kinda decided to make our garden their home. And my mom feeds them so... they haven't gone away.

But they're not really our pets... they dont have names, they dont let us pet them, they dont come inside (unless they want to steal food from the kitchen or scratch my mom's curtains).
But still.. they've become a part of the family... like a second cousin twice removed... we know each other, but we dont do hugs.


Anyway, so we've dubbed one of them "Tiger" because um.. she looks like a tiger.
She was always my favourite and is really a beauty with her brown and orange stripes.
But she's pretty vicious and prone to hiss at us if we try to approach her. She is the wildest one in the bunch and not very social with the other cats, choosing to keep to herself mostly.
I love her anyway. :) (Gee, I wonder why...?)

Tiger Kitten by ~Jinx-Pantax-Kun

One of the other cats has had some kittens. One of them died inexplicably, but the surviving kitten is a gem. She's a pretty little fluffy grey kitten and, since she's still small, I can pick her up and play with her. Although she really just wants to sleep most of the time. Aww.. too cute for words.

Since the little one has lost her sibling, she's been pouncing on the other cats, looking for someone to play with. The other cats just tolerate the little one, but, we've been amazed to see Tiger's response to her.
It looks like the vicious and feisty Tiger has become a bit of a big sister to the little one. Actually, she seems more like a surrogate mom the way they always sleep together.
It looks like the baby has tamed the wild tiger.

*pause*

Somewhere in the back of my head, I still hear my ex-husband telling me I wouldn't be a good mother. He had some good reasons: I'm pretty disorganised sometimes (even for an accountant), I'm not a great housekeeper (couldn't even keep my house after my divorce!) and a whole bunch of other things that I try not to remember.

I wonder why I do still remember.. and why I let myself believe that for such a long time.
When I did eventually fall pregnant... I was petrified.. but I knew I loved Little Rose much more than I ever thought I could.
And that was enough.
I knew I was enough... because I loved her... completely.
I would be better, do better... do anything... for her.
Alas, it wasn't to be, but.... I did become a better person.
I left the man that made me feel that I would never be enough.
Even now, with this kitten in my lap and nothing else to my name, I'm better than I was.

*rowr*

Well, back to Tiger... I really loved seeing the change in her.
And I love seeing the change in me.
And I know.. one day... I will be tamed...
by the right person, at the right time...
and maybe just maybe...
I'll be a momma cat.

*purr*

Tiger by ~fennecx

Little Rose

Hey baby girl.
You came up the other day...
I was talking about "my story" to some new people and you briefly made an appearance.
Isn't that just so you. :P
I'm never quite sure what to say about you...
Technically, you don't exist but, to me, you changed my world.

I know why you had to go.... I wasn't ready to take care of you.
I had to learn that I was worth so much more than I was getting at the time.
If I could so easily love a speck like you, why did I not expect more from those around me?

And yet.. and yet... I miss you.
My desire for motherhood sometimes overwhelms me.
But I know.. I know... it's just not for me.
I can't expect a speck to love me, when I treat me the way I do.

So... that day is coming up. The day that a piece of both of our hearts died.
I remember everything... and feel everything I felt then, but I am saying nothing.
I dont know whether I've really learned my lesson, dear one.
I dont know what more can be done... I may be a lost cause.

I hope you have some pull wherever you are.
Could you ask the boss to give me some clearer signs.
I'm tired, little one... I need some light.

Yes... I see.
I see what I did there.
I need to look inside again, right?
You are a smart girl. Obviously mama's child.
Love you.
xx

Rose Red and Snow White

My idea of fun

"Wanna have some fun?"
Yeah! Life is too short... let's have FUN!
Oh wait... what do you mean by fun?
Oh... that. You just want "no strings" access to my body parts?
That's um.. sweet. Tempting.. but no thanks.
Want to know what my idea of fun is?

Let's talk about how to make the world a better place.
I want to hear your ideas, your hopes and dreams for the future.
I want to know what makes your heart ache... what makes you laugh out loud.
I want to know your deepest darkest secret... and then laugh together at how silly it is.
I want to know your fears and weaknesses... and love you anyway.
I want coffee made for me, just the way I like it.
I want chocolate and flowers.. because "I thought of you today."
Body parts? You want body parts? Let me show you how.. and where... in a million different ways. Isn't that better than one sloppy drunken night? It is for me...

Know what else is fun? Having a life growing inside you.
One that I made with you... a combination of both our lives... a part of both of us.. forever. How fun is that?!
Then we get to watch it grow... we love and nurture it together.. we learn, we grow.. together.
I see you every day, and learn more about you every day.. and love you more... every single day.
And you teach me more about myself.. and I grow and change.. and become a better person because of you. And you love me... more and more.
Are we having fun yet?

So... yeah. I like having fun.
I want fun... with someone who knows what it's really all about.
Call me when you grow up and figure it all out.

love ani.
yes... love me.
it's all or nothing.
i'm worth it.
xx

Funerals, babies and grandmothers

*started writing Monday, 15 February*

It's been a bit of a weird day.
My mother just told me this morning that there would be a funeral later today.
The funeral was for a very close family friend that has been fighting cancer for many many years.
Last week, my mother went to visit her... and just knew.. the end was nigh.
I wasn't expecting to have such an emotional response to it... but here I am... being emotional.

Firstly, this was an amazing woman... so full of life and love and passion.
My mother and her grew up together in Portugal and found each other again in Woodstock (Cape Town) decades later.
We didn't meet often, but when we did.. there was so much love between everyone.
Whenever I met her, she enveloped me with generous hugs and kisses. She made sure that the people she loved knew how she felt.
There is a bit more intricate family history... but suffice to say that she is a close family friend and she will be sorely missed by many people.
RIP Arlindina. xxx

During the service, there was lots of talk about her role as a loving mother. I think that was the part that got to my mother... and me.
When my mother lost her mother, it was a huge loss for her that she will probably never fully recover from. I think you can survive almost anything that life throws at you... but my mother doesn't WANT to. She misses her mother.. she needs her mother.. and, without her, she feels that her life is empty.
I can't say that I will ever be able to understand... until I lose my mother.
Wondering what that would feel like... lead to a lot more emotion than I was prepared for.
But wait.. there's more... *sigh*

I do miss my grandmother too... very very much.
We had a very special bond. I practically lived with her for a few years after a brutal attack at my parents' shop when I was about two. I was too scared to go back to the shop so I stayed with her in Woodstock while my parents worked. Also, during my primary school days, I would often go to her house after school.

Of course... these memories are tainted with memories of my step-grandfather.
I've spent far too many years in therapy and in depression to still have these horrible thoughts about him.
But.. I've been told (nods to Adin) that you cant control your thoughts. So.. I guess all I can do is watch them and try to understand why they're there.
I'm not prepared to discuss that man right now... but I do still hate him.
I thought that I had forgiven him for the things that he did... I don't know anymore.
But I still hate the fact that I wasn't allowed to spend time with my grandmother. He took her away from me.. and I needed her in my life.
I still do.

She was an amazing woman: strong, spiritual, funny, sweet.. generous with all that she had.
We would shop together, sow together, cook together, work in the garden together... pray together.
I also believe that she was a healer. Being a traditional Catholic Portuguese woman, she worked within her frame of reference, but I have seen her use touch therapy to heal sick people.
There were many people that would go see her to be healed.
She was the inspiration to explore the healing arts myself.

She was also the inspiration for my unborn baby.
I'm sorry.. I know that it's silly and ridiculous to still be mourning a 10 week old fetus.
I know there are people that mourn real tragedies... newborn babies, toddlers, real people that die.... *sigh* but still.
I named my baby Rose after my grandmother Rosa. It only really "lived" online in my stumbleupon world... but it lived.
So, yes.. the funeral touched a bit of a nerve around that.
Questions about whether I will ever be a mother still plague me.
Fears that I probably killed my own child still haunt me.
Sadness that it was probably never meant to be... still lingers.
And yes... I wonder if my ex-husband feels any of this pain.
If he ever really cared... If I made the right decision...
What if... what if.. what if...

So.. with all of this...
here I sit.

With these thoughts and fears and tears...
from deep dark places that I dont want to look at...
here I sit.

Here I breathe.
Here... I look up.
Here and now...
I carry on
And keep on walking.

xx