Stone heart

It's been a hectic week in South Africa. The hashtag generation decided to change the world.
#feesmustfall #nationalshutdown #uctshutdown #etcetcetc
I'm hashtagged out, lost a few facebook friends, emotionally drained and so so proud of my country. I really have much more to say on the topic but I've definately overdosed on this topic and I need a break.

So... cute kittens with Hannah? Yes.

I was chatting to a friend about life and love and stuff, as one does. He met up with an ex and I said "be careful with your heat." He said he'd be fine as he only had a stone cold heart left. Yeah right. Our hearts keep beating, despite all the beatings it gets.

And on that note.... GOOD GOD I LOVE YOU ADELE. New single released today. THIS IS MY LIIIIIIIIIFE :) <3 p="" queen="">

I'm going to London in two weeks. So much squee. So much OCD on planning.
And breathe.

~anib

Biting my tongue

I woke up on Tuesday morning from another weird dream/nightmare and thought "oh that's pretty interesting... I should write it down." And then I fell asleep again and forgot the dream. However, I found that I had somehow managed to bite my tongue in my sleep. It's still really sore a day later so who knows what I was up to.

I logged onto twitter and people were bitching about some no bra day thing. Yes, I agree that no bras and pink shit doesn't help cancer but adding your voice just adds more noise sometimes. Maybe I'm super passive aggressive and not a fan of conflict, but I believe my silence says more than a verbal protest. Either way, I decided to ignore the drama and focus on the beautiful morning and forge ahead with a busy work day.

And then timehop gently reminded me that it was Yvette's birthday. I wish she (and her family) knew how much I still think of her. I still dont quite feel right having purple hair because that was her colour. And I wish I could plaster "please wear sunscreen" everywhere at outdoor parties. We haven't had too much sun yet but it's coming. Please please.... cover up and take care of your skin.

Anyhoo.. it made me a little sad to remember her, but such is the price of love. So on we keep moving with the day.

And then Facebook. It was pretty funny that in an informal twitter poll, I was one of the few people that chose Facebook as my favourite social media place. Look, it's full of conservative and/or racist friends and family.... but it's easy to hide those kind of things. Generally, the people that I follow are pretty interesting and entertaining. I guess I'm lucky in that way.

But then there are Facebook groups. ARGH. It can sometimes be a minefield to navigate the mini dramas that enfold. I am super grateful that I got my training in the old StumbleUpon groups on trolls and group moderation. Generally, it's a good idea to ignore the trolls. Let them have their say until they tire themselves out. And then you can update with the facts and leave them to carry on or lock the threads.

So I had a situation arise yesterday in one of my FB groups that made me super super angry. I remained calm when I was online and answered the necessary questions without responding to any personal attacks (aka "argumentam ad hominem", a much loved phrase). But damn was I angry offline. I was more angry that this was going on and on. Eventually I had to remove the thread from the public group because it was getting out of hand and I dealt with the issues in private message.

And then I went home and had a life.

I had actually almost forgot about it and was about to blog about it in anger last night when I got two apologies. Huh? I really didn't expect that. I generally avoid all conflict as I believe it never ends well. Granted, this was not really a personal issue so it was easier for me to stick to the facts and not feel too personally attacked. I guess I was just irritated that it was so public and embarrassing.

There're some lessons in here about keeping my tongue when I'm angry but also about learning when to speak up when I know something is wrong. There was a lot of stuff that I wanted to say, but it wasn't really appropriate or relevant to the particular discussion. So I'm glad I didn't say things that I would regret now.

In the end, it feels pretty fricking awesome to be validated and I think I did the right thing in this situation. I'm definitely not perfect though and I do make errors in judegment but I am always willing to learn from them. There're a few people that I trust that I will seek advise from tonight.... so we'll see what happens out of that.

Overall... twas a good day.
My tongue is still sore though.

xx

Unfollowing friendships

So today is that day. I’m not even going to bother checking my timehop today because I remember how raw my feelings were when I posted on Facebook and Twitter about my dad passing away.

Three years ago, I really thought I had many friends on social media. Maybe I did… but I know that I had not a single “friend” show up at the funeral. Not one. And when I was hospitalised later that year, I also had zero visits from any “friend”. 

That year was one of the worst (second only to my divorce year in 2008), but at least I learned some things.  Mainly, I learned to fall out of love with my twitter followers. Not everyone is your friend… And that’s ok. I cut out a large percentage of my followers and don’t speak to any of the Cape Town “twitterati” anymore since that year. I have zero desire for any more tweetups. My life got a little bit more offline and, these days, I do share a whole lot less. Then again, I also have a lot less drama in my own life and very little interest in other people’s drama.

The internet is still an amazing place with lots of potential for magical connections. I still have close friendships with people I’ve never met in real life (through StumbleUpon mainly). But a real friend shows up in real life. A real friendship requires action and time. A real friendship has more than 140 characters.

I still have quite a few “friends” online and offline that I know aren’t real friends. We are friendly and nice to each other but I know that I only have a few people that I can call up at any hour and rely on them. Lord knows I am so very done with unreliable people. And I cut them out much more easily (and quickly) these days.

Anyway, I guess I’m still angry at the people I was friends with at that time that never showed up for me. I’m not quite over it and I suppose I will have to let it go. But it’s made me much more aware of who I can trust and perhaps also made me a little too aloof with new people.

It’s my self defence system, I guess. When I am your friend, I will give 100% of my loyalty and I have to know for sure that you’re not going to bail on me. So I wait and see and check people out for a long time before I “commit” to the friendship. Not many stick around for that but it’s ok for now.

*sigh*

People are hard work.

~anib 

edit. thanks to cath jenkin for linking to this article about our "online generation." in short... this is just how we are... but it sucks sometimes.

The tree in the forest

Last night, the tourist posed that question to me about the tree in the forest in one of our many many engaging conversations. I cant remember the context, really, but I can remember my unspoken thought: if I cant see it, it didnt happen. Some times I can be very literal (#injoke).

Something happened to him earlier that day and I had joked that I wouldn't believe him if he didnt have pictures. Pics or it didnt happen is basically the millennial version of the tree in the forest question.

 And while struggling today to come to terms with the fact that he has now left the country (2 hours ago or so), and then trying to summarise my emotions in an appropriate, but not too sad, facebook and/or twitter post.... I came up with: "If it's not seen or heard or spoken, did it really happen?" Which I didn't post, of course, because no one likes vague booking.

 But the sad realisation is that, for me, external validation is everything. If my thoughts aren't vocalised or expressed in some way and has some kind of feedback, positive or negative, I dont feel like they're real or worthy of anything. And that really sucks, on multiple levels.

Firstly, it makes me super addicted to all kinds of social media. I am not so proudly aware that I'm on at least ten active websites... the excuse is that I spread myself around so I dont become "too much". But I am "too much" or, more honestly, I actually feel "not enough". For many of these profiles, it's not really about the validation. Sometimes I just want the chance to see my thoughts written so that it feels real. Just thinking them is not enough...

Secondly, it makes me very vulnerable to manipulative people. I hope I've had enough of these types of people and I've become better at just not engaging with them anymore. But it's still difficult to walk away and not feel guilty that I cant save everyone.

And thirdly... man oh man do I worry a lot about what other people think. I sort of hoped that I would grow out of this by 35 but it's a pretty stubborn belief. I've learned to stop caring what random strangers think about me... but it's still important to me that I dont look like too much of an idiot to the people I know.

The only good thing is that I'm aware of all of this now.

And with all of that... I still have to somehow document how important the tourist was to me. There are very few people in the world that I can spend so many days with and not get bored. He's one of the easiest people to talk to and super nice, funny-ish (I was teaching him to be funny :P) and pretty smart too.

He was also pretty intuitive and an excellent listener. I will miss everything that he taught me about myself in a very mischievous way. His very sarcastic and teasing sense of humour helped me to look at some things that I didn't really want to look at. But I'm learning... and I'm grateful for the mirror. Also... literally. (#injoke)

Anyway... I will miss you, tourist.... until we meet again.
Toda raba.
Shalom.
xx

 ~anib

Brave thing

So I think I did a brave thing on Monday... I asked for help.

At first, it was just a little tweet sent out early on Monday morning.
You know how you sometimes just send out tweets without thinking... kinda hoping that no one sees but you just have to spit it out? Yeah, well... I really didnt expect anyone to see this tweet:
"Maybe I need help #depression"
People saw.
And people helped.
Thank you people. :)

So I did the next logical thing and found a doc and saw him the same day. It was good. I was given permission to grieve the many losses I have experienced in the last year. And some that I thought I was already over. Our brains are funny things. Regardless, I am giving myself a break and going to really take care of myself. Really. Kinda. Maybe.

The first step is getting some proper sleep and dreaming again. He is interested in dreams and working with the unconscious which makes my hippy heart very happy. And he doesn't like using medication which also makes me happy because I really dont do zombie very well. Oh and he's kinda cute. So that helps.

Otherwise, I'm still doing stupid shit... wasting money... worrying about everyone else too much.
I miss my friend Yvette. I really do. I've been sick.. and mentally down for a while now so I've chosen to stay away because she needs happy vibes and I aint got much of those these days.
I worry about my mom.. I think she is also depressed but... I dont know how to help her.
I worry about work... it's complicated.

And I've decided... to blog more.
So.... hi.
And um... bye for now.

xx
~anib

my internet friends

Let's not discuss December 16th... or the 17th either.
I will leave the horrid details for my close friends and my now ex-boyfriend.
Let's just say... lesson learned.
I am never going to compromise what I want and need... EVER... again.
So it looks like I'll be single for a while... cause I'm a demanding bitch.
;)

One good thing that I discovered this week... my internet friends are real.
Yeah, I've kinda known that for a while.. but, when hanging around non-internet people (waves to aunty and mommy), you tend to minimise the effect these "avatars" have on your life.

Of course... I don't do internet relationships like other people.
I put it all out there... I dont hold any punches. I give 100% of myself and I expect the same.
That reminds me of my favourite review of my page on SU* from my friend xineann:

Website: anitab
Description: Personal, engaging, full of life with all the joy and all the pain that comes from being alive. Her heart is out there. Because her heart is out there, one can bruise it without intending to.

She just got me. Wow. ^_^

So... at my lowest point last Thursday... when I felt that I had nowhere to go, that I had no one who could or would understand... I got the most amazing, supportive phone call from my twitter friend alice. I cannot thank her enough.
She also organised a place for me to crash for a bit.. and I crashed hard at ann's place. Thank you.. again and again and again.
Later that night I spent some time with karen and scott where I cried and laughed and danced and drank. Exactly what the doctor ordered.
I love you guys... all of you... so very much.
<3

And then it was Friday afternoon.
I was spending some time with my cousin, when I got a phone call from my SU friend alfred from halfway across the world. The connection was bad, but the love and concern was real... and I felt so blessed.
I also got a lovely message from a friend who I had touched with a few words on a card. That meant a lot to me.
I put myself out there and I got it all back. And that makes it all worth while.

So... at Heather's Baby Shower on Saturday, when she introduced the girls as "my internet friends", I laughed and looked around at my pinkdrinks crew.
I just knew... these people are my friends for life.
I never ever forget a friend....
and your kindess will never be forgotten.
Thank you ladies and gents.
x


Link

*SU=StumbleUpon