Still Beautiful

The TEDx Talk by Lillian Bustle

I am

It's not news to me that I can be a drama princess. I'm aware of how I can blow things out of proportion and focus too much on the negative.

So, after yesterday's post , I contacted two friends in the UK who jumped at the opportunity to see me, even if briefly. One was prepared to fly in from Isle of Man and another said she would just "MAKE" time. And I was deeply humbled and touched. And suddenly, very very over the "maybe" guy.

I've "known" him for almost nine years online... which is pretty ridiculous, come to think of it. But if I'm a lot more interested in meeting him than he is in meeting me.... then what the hell dude. Buh-bye.

*and breathe*

In other news, I've been re-learning Hebrew because my favourite Israeli will be back in town soon. I stumbled across this phrase "Ani". Apparently it's a way to introduce yourself* ie Ani Ani. Heh.
So the translation is: "I am".

I AM.

Man... I can't begin to express how happy that made me.

The main reason I landed up online was to discover who I was. When I first started on mIRC, I struggled with finding a pseudonym. I used to change it every couple of days and try different personas with it... but it didnt last very long. Eventually, I decided to go with my given name.

Ever since then, every place that I signed up for online was a place to discover who "anita" was. On StumbleUpon, I was given the nickname ani, which has stuck and developed into its own little persona based on what everyone else was telling me who I was.
When I first started this blog in 2009, it was about claiming back that name "ani" and trying to figure out who I was outside of everyone's expectations.
At the time, I wanted to be small and invisible and quiet and alone. Now, I'm much louder and brighter and sometimes too much in the light.
But, through all of this... I am.
With or without you, I am.

After spending so many years wondering "I am?", I'm finally starting to drop the question mark. Here's to finding the explanation mark and learning to love all that is "I". :)

xx

~anib

* I got that from a youtube video but subsequent research has said Ani translates to I. Whatevs. The insights matter. :)

Blog Challenge - Day 26 to 28 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

26. Share something you are proud of.

I think I'm braver than I think I am. I left a marriage that wasnt really doing anything for me. I survived a miscarriage and came out of a deep depression. I did the eulogy at my father's funeral. I do lots of things on my own. I'm kind and generous. I dyed my hair blue. I'm much more honest about who I am and what I like. I have people that actually know the real me and I've stopped hiding who I am. I'm proud of me... for the first time in a long time. :)

27. Where are you the happiest?At trance parties. I love to dance. I love to be around happy, shiny people. I love the bright colours and general playfulness. I love meeting new people and forming new friendships. I love being out in beautiful nature. It's just a beautiful place to be. And it's made me a much happier person in so many ways. 

28. Share something you are looking forward to in 2014.

Not sure, really. I think 2013 was a challenging year but I'm glad I came out of it smiling. I'm pretty happy with life at the moment and just would like more of the same... with a bit more romantic love, of course. 

Happy Holidays.

~anib

Blog Challenge - Day 1 to 3 of 31 days of Blogging

I could write something personal and touching but I have a therapist for that. And I just dont want to talk about what I'm thinking or feeling these days. So... let's try this: A blog challenge for 31 days... that will not be updated daily. But we'll see how it goes.

Born in Woodstock. Grew up in Maitland. Schooled in Goodwood. Lived in Bellville, Parow, Plumstead, West Beach and now back to the 'wood.

Was top of the class in primary school and high school. Prefect and head girl type. Went to UCT. BCom(Acc). Failed final honours year but got first time pass in Board 1 and 2 and qualified as a CA(SA).

Had one boyfriend in high school (18) that I married when I was 23. He was 13 years older. Got divorced when I was 29 after a year of trial separation. Partly due to an online love interest (me and then him) but also had a miscarriage and related depression. I am still repaying his debt (our home loan). He has disappeared.

Quit my job at the time and was unemployed for almost 2 years. Took a massage class. And did pilates. Met a boy that was serious. And then met a few other boys that weren't.  Met a man that made me pay for everything including his bail money. Took him to Mozambique too. Paid for everything.

Met a trance acquaintance at ex-boy's wedding. Went to trance parties more often. Met lots of interesting people. Have a new family that loves me for me. Went to Afrikaburn!

Father died in May 2012. Went to Portugal that year to visit family and to Helsinki (to meet a man).

Have a new job now that interests and excites me.

I smile a lot more easily these days.

~249 words

1. dancing
2. making someone smile
3. toasted cheese sandwich
4. kissing
5. the colour pink
6. youtube
7. the wizard of oz
8. earbuds
9. laughing
10. lindt dark chocolate balls.

Hard one. Not a lot of pics that I like of me but trance parties have made me look good with bright happy pics of me all over the place. The truth is, I dont always feel super happy. But this pic from Origin 2013... I was pretty happy and relaxed. I made lots of new friends and had fun.Also... the happy hat made its début at this party.

Next update in a few days time. Have Vortex this weekend. :)

~anib

The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 


Good night, lovelies.
xx

~anib

Happy birthday dad

this is the edited eulogy i did for my father on 31 May 2012. 

Thank you to everyone for being here today. I know that there are many friends and family that wanted to attend and our family appreciates the sentiment.  I also want to thank everyone for their very kind messages on Facebook, Twitter, via texts and calls and emails and various offers of help and support. If I took up every offer of a glass of wine, I’d be in a lot of trouble.... but thank you. J 

.........

And now... I want to tell you about my Dad.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has said what a kind and gentle person he was. And quiet... very quiet. Which is why I felt like I needed to tell you who he was to me.

My father was a brother. He grew up as a farmer in Lugar de Baixo, Ponta do Sol in Madeira. My father is survived by his twin sister, Mariazinha who unfortunately could not be here today but sends her condolences. Please keep them in your prayers.

He left his family and his farm to come to South Africa in 1962 where he worked in the Free State and eventually moved to Cape Town, where he met my mother.  My father provided for his family by working single every day and night in his shop. To many people, he was simply known as Mr Rons. We had a Rons Cafe in Woodstock and then moved to Table View and Muizenberg and then finally settled in Maitland for almost 20 years. 

My father was a good dad. There are many things he did that, I guess, we all just take for granted. I loved working in the shop with him. We would write the prices on all the tin food together. He would take me shopping with him to Makro and I would help him pick all the stuff for the shop. He once bought me a big fluffy teddy bear that my mom said I was too old for at the time... I still sometimes sleep with it.

My father did some interesting stuff. He makes the coolest gadgets and things around the house. He designed this rather complicated watering system for his fruitful garden. My dad loved to garden. He would spend hours in his vegetable patch and tending his flowers. He used to play the accordian.... which I thought was just so cool. And probably inspired me to play the piano. He would always carry a pen in his shirt pocket. He was good at Bisca and Domino and Casino... and he taught me all these games. He was a bit of an experimental cook. I will miss his concoctions. J

It is often said that when you leave this world, make sure you leave a legacy. My father’s legacy will be in his children. I see my father’s kind and gentle nature in my brother, Nicolau. The way he quietly goes about his work and life makes me smile as it reminds me of dad.  I, of course, have my father’s face... so I will embrace these chubby cheeks... and I think I inherited some of his cheeky humour too.

A special word for my mother. Mae... Obrigado para tudo que a mae fez para o pai. Ele esta em paz agora.

Dear Pai... as we approach Father’s Day, I would’ve loved to give you another Old Spice aftershave  or soap on a rope like we used to. This year, I will just say thank you for all that you have done for us.

We love you and miss you.

Rest in Peace.

The truth

If you want to find the truth... you have to admit to all your lies.

I lie. A lot.

I lie to myself, more than anything. And on days like today... I feel like I just cant trust what I think or feel. On days like this.. I rely on other people to tell me I'm ok. Which can be so very dangerous... because people are human... and say things without thinking... and.... well, yeah... you shouldn't need to rely on someone else to feel like you're ok.

The truth is: I dont feel ok.

I feel like I'm hanging onto a very very thin thread... and I'm not quite sure for how much longer I can "hang on".

The list of things on my shoulders is probably not that unmanageable.. but the combination of everything feels....overwhelming.

So, without spilling too much of the grisly details... I just have to be honest and say... No.. I am not okay.


Aside: Thank you Jenny Lawson for making it ok to not be ok. Much love for this video. xx


Ciao for now.
~ ani

What child is this?

So.. feel free to judge me or whatever.. but when one is at a hippy "do", you do hippy things. I wouldn't say I'm a hippy. I'm far too cynical about supernatural shit these days... but sometimes... sometimes.

Ok, so I was at this "hey shoo wow" festival thing and I paid a psychic to tell me my fortune.
I didn't have any burning questions, but she was looking at my cards and asked me immediately why I didn't want to get married again. She said there was this nice, intelligent man with a pure heart that was interested in me... but I was pushing him away. There's only one person I know that had shown interest... and I didn't really believe it was "real'.... so.... I was a bit shocked. +

But there was more... a lot more.
I asked some basic questions about work... and got the answers I needed.
And then I decided to be brave and ask about family. She looked again at this man.... but said he couldn't give me children (TMI but he's been snipped).
But she saw a little girl.
The girl is already on this planet.
I will be adopting her soon....

*deep breathe*

I was just.... oh my god.. I SO wanted this to be true.
At first I thought she was talking about Little Rose but she is no longer here...
I dont know how or what or why... but I feel like I should be a mother.
Could I be so wrong? Again??
I dont know.... but this just feels right.


A few other things of interest, I'll be in a new job next year and I'll be visiting Australia  but I wont emigrate from South Africa. That's all I remember....

But I just care about the baby girl.
Please please please.... let that be true.
*sigh*



+ I subsequently gave the nice man a chance... and have been having LOTS of fun. And not just fun fun.... but the emotional stuff is good too. Not sure about the future though. It could be amazing... we'll see... we'll see.

edit 2 years later - yeah it was all bullshit.

100 Truths

100 TRUTHS

this is me being lazy.
i have lots of thoughts in my head... but i found this list at riven's so i thought i'd play along.
enjoy. :)

1. Last beverage ~ some orange fizzy crap
2. Last phone call ~ called a friend last night
3. Last kiss ~ i'd rather not say.. it's complicated.
4. Last song you listened to ~ music during pilates class.. reminded me of my ex-husband.
5. Last time you cried ~ this morning at pilates class.. listening to the music.*sigh*

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice ~ huh?
7. Been cheated on? ~ yep
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? ~ no regrets.. eventually
9. Lost someone special? ~ sure.
10. Been depressed? ~ yes.
11. Been high? ~ never.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Pink
13. Black
14. Red

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Have you made new friends this year ~ i hope so
16. Fallen out of love ~ probably never will.
17. Laughed until you cried ~ not often enough.. but yeah.
18. Met someone who changed you ~ constantly
19. Found out who your true friends were ~ still learning. :)
20. Found out someone was talking about you ~ oh.. i dont mind that. :)
21. Kissed anyone on your top friends list ~ dont have a list.

TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have ~ two should be fine... but i dont think that will happen for me.
24. Do you have any pets ~ no. nothing that is just mine.
25. Do you want to change your name ~ my registered name? yes.
26. What did you do for your last birthday ~ i had a tweetup.
27. What time did you wake up today ~ 815am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night ~ sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for ~ to find my passion
30. Last time you saw your father ~ he's here right now.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life ~ more self confidence. with that, i can do anything.
32. What are you listening to right now ~ Cape Talk radio
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom ~ i know a thomas.
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? ~ my lack of money... and everyone else getting paid this week.
36. What’s your real name ~ anita... ani... ann... depends who you are.
37. Relationship Status ~ divorced.
38. Zodiac sign ~ Leo
39. Male or female ~ Female
40. Primary School ~ Maitland Primary school
41. High School ~ Fairbairn High School
43. Hair color ~ Brunette... with occasional bursts of red when i'm feeling down.
44. Long or short ~ medium-ish
45. Height ~ i dont know
46. Do you have a crush on someone ~ i dont know
47. What do you like about yourself ~ me funny :P
48. Piercings ~ ears only
49. Tattoos ~ nope
50. Righty or lefty ~ right handed

FIRSTS :
51. First surgery ~ miscarriage 2008
52. First piercing ~ ears pierced ages ago... primary school?
53. First tattoo ~ not sure... probably never.
54. First best friend ~ Serina
55. First Sport ~ netball
56. First pet ~ not really a pet owner
57. First vacation ~ probably with the ex-husband... bed and breakfast.. stayed indoors mostly.
58. First concert ~ UB40.. when they first came out here.
59. First crush ~ oh... Michael. :)
60. First alcohol drink ~ probably the wine my grandfather and dad and uncle used to make. yuk.

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating ~ lunch... steak n veges.
62. Drinking ~ Nothing yet.. probably more fizzy orange stuff.
63. I’m about to ~ stumble at http://anitab.stumbleupon.com
64. Listening to ~ CapeTalk is playing "we are the world". wtf?
65. Waiting for ~ someone to call or chat with me.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
69. Lips or eyes ~ eyes
70. Hugs or kisses ~ hugs
71. Shorter or taller ~ taller
72. Older or Younger ~ older
73. Romantic or spontaneous ~ romantic
74. Nice stomach or nice arms ~ arms
75. Tattoos or piercings ~ tats
76. Sensitive or loud ~ sensitive
77. Hook-up or relationship ~ relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant ~ trouble maker. ;)

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger ~ yes
80. Drank hard liquor ~ kinda
81. Lost glasses/contacts ~ often
82. Cried in front on someone ~ often
83. Broken someone’s heart ~ yes.
84. Had your own heart broken ~ yes
85. Been arrested ~ nope
86. Turned someone down ~ dont think so
87. Cried when someone died ~ yep
88. Liked a friend that is a girl ~ no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself ~ no
90. Miracles ~ sometimes
91. Love at first sight ~ yes
92. Heaven ~ yeah
93. Santa Clause ~ i do.
94. Kissing on the first date ~ yes
95. Angels ~ hmm... yeah.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now ~ i dont know
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time ~ no.
98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever ~ i hope so
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without ~ internet
100. Posting this as 100 Truths ~ Yes

A 4 A 4 eva!

and that's my motto... for the rest of this year, at least. :)

after another long week of emotional drama...
i've decided that i am spending the rest of the year on ME.
i really really want to help the people that i love... but i have to take care of me.
i've spent way too much time and effort getting to this path in my life.
i owe it to myself to really find my way.

i am really tired now.. so i wont go into all the details.
but i know that the people who love me, will be there for me.
thank you.
xx

edit: this song seemed appropriate.

Tell the truth

It's a Facebook thing.. but I don't want to depress my Facebook friends.
Actually, I just dont want them to worry.
This is just a mood.. and it shall pass... but at least it's honest.
Anyway... so this is me today, 7.22am with ONE cup of coffee.
I could try it a bit later and be a bit happier.. but.. meh.

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
coffee and marie biscuits with butter.
breakfast of the poor and unemployable.

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
the facebook one was taken at mersey bar in cape town with al_ice.
the one here was a self portrait, taken in polokwane.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
no.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today.
no one yet. although i do chuckle at my own emo-ness sometimes.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
10ish... um.. i guess i was tired.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
a tropical island would be nice.
right now, anywhere but here.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
no.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
all my friends live in my computer. :/

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
i dont know yet.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
no feelings.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
tuesday. i had a soft cry last night, though.

12. Who took your profile picture?
I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
christel.
will see if i can recover the picture, but it was taken at the now infamous games evening last week.
i have no further comment on that evening.
lots of unresolved feelings.. but no further comment.

14. Was yesterday better than today?
too early to tell.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
yes. as long as there's internet...

16. Are you upset about anything?
constantly, it seems.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
i dont know yet.

18. Are you a bad influence? Why?
um.. no. maybe. shrug. i have no idea what influence i might have.

19. Night out or night in?
"out".. if i can. but i usually can't.. so "in" for now.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
laptop with internet access. and coffee. and cheese. and my car.
money would be nice... but i have a credit card for now.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
i spent a few minutes with myself last year... it was like visiting a stranger. :/

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
i don't even know where my cellphone is... probably a credit card payment confirmation.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
confuzzled.
tired.

24. Do you hate anyone?
only some aspects of me.

25. If we were to look in your face book inbox, what would we find?
messages from groups. nothing sauce, i'm afraid.

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
i dont remember that kind of stuff.

27. What song is stuck in your head?
my head is empty right now.

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
my secret admirer.

29.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
i just want to have kids... the rest is up to them.

30. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
nothing. but i should probably go clear my credit card soon.

31. Do you think too much or too little?
much.

32. Do you smile a lot?
shrug.

still standing

firstly, my apologies for that last post.
i've been a tad emo (ha! i'm the mistress of understatements! ;P).
my initial instinct was to delete, delete, delete. i do that ALL the time ie run and hide away from the world when things look rough.
yes, i'm a bit of a drama princess (my mama's the queen, ok?!).
some might say that it's just passionate.. but it's damn exhausting and i don't do it on purpose.
it helps that i recognise the drama and can laugh at myself afterwards.

despite my personal issues, i've decided that it stays.
this is just who i am at the moment.. take it or leave it.
anyway, i am now eating and sleeping properly again.
throw in some cool drugs and i'm slowly approximating normality.
then again, who wants to be normal?
heh. ok, i'll leave that discussion for another day.

why am i here again...? oh yes...
i'd like to get 2008 out of my system... completely.
there is still so much unfinished business from that year of hell.
like.. i haven't quite finalised the divorce yet... i didn't exactly quit my job properly... and i never did go to that follow-up gynae appointment.

wow. so much shit from one little year... !!
there are days when i really can't believe that i'm still standing.
anyway... i've been to therapy and talked it all out.
i've cried on the shoulders of friends and family and complete strangers...
but... there are times when it all comes flooding back and i just can't breathe.

like today.

i had to explain to a complete stranger why i took a couple of months off work as unpaid sick leave. my short answer was: stress.
the long answer? well, the quiet desperation that i spoke about here just grew.
there was work stress... and there was home stress....
each affected the other, i suppose...
but i couldn't handle my whole world falling apart at the same time.
the details are exhausting to go through... but it was a year of loss.
what did i lose?
- my job
- some "friends"
- my husband's fidelity
- my unborn child
- my husband
- my home
- my joy in life
- my hopes
- my dreams
- my sanity
- my desire to live
- and 10 kg (oh, but i got that all back! ;P)

at least i hardly ever lost my sense of humour.
oh, there were times that my humour got really dark...
but i still managed to laugh through a lot of the pain.
thank goodness for my amazing friends and family that never ever let me fall down.
i stumbled a lot... and it's been a bumpy ride...
but i'm on my way to a super new amazing life.

*breathes*

ok.
i'll be ok.
xx

thank you for listening.