What is home

Apparently this week's new moon is in Cancer... which is all about home, whether that means physically, spiritually or emotionally. Ah Home. Where art thou?

I've always struggled with finding a place where I feel completely at home - whether that is with friends or family or society in general. I've always felt like I've never fit in anywhere.

I do have a sense of family with my trance community but it's mostly limited to the party events. There are very few that translate to my real world and that's ok with me, I suppose. I've had a few work colleagues that I've felt "at home" with but, at the moment, I dont have that feeling.

I also dont get that family feeling from Afrikaburn friends. I admire many of the people that work and play in that space, but it's not the same kind of feeling for me. However I do feel like the place is a great space for me to explore my space in the world. There is something special that I get from being there that I cant really define or explain. It's challenging for me on many levels.... and I feel like it helps.... something.

So one of the projects from Afrikaburn 2016 was this very simple place where you just wrote and shared your story. My very simplified story is here on This I Confess, It's a rough description of the way I felt when I left my husband and the life that I felt I was "supposed to lead." It's still a work in progress, of course.

Because I also wrote this....

This I Confess - Short Confessions

It's actually from a song lyric from Adele's All I Ask. I still have Adele on repeat and that lyric still makes me quiver. Because.. what if that's it? Sigh.
I just found it really sweet that this was one of the few cards that people decided to respond to. So maybe there's hope. :)

I try not to think about it too much... but having a someone to come "home" to, is something I really miss. I know I'm a better person when I can share and give love... and I feel rather empty without this in my life. It just makes me sad that I cant find someone.... and someone cant find me.

This is why I listen to sad music....

Yep.

I also saw this quote today.... and I'm just going to sit with it....

“I want to know if you've touched the center of your own sorrow, if you've been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.” ― Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Because some days... like today... I feel shriveled up and closed. I just told my friend G that my life feels like I'm watching a movie. I feel happy and sad and joy and everything.... but deep down I know it's not all real.
How fucked up is that shit?

Maybe it's just one of those days.
Bleh.

xx
~anib

Something about May

Cape Town in May by AJ Venter

There is something about Cape Town in May
When you hardly get a sunny day
But everyone you get, is the reason why you stay.

There is something about Cape Town in Winter
When the day is a small, short toffee center
wrapped in a long night’s splendor.

There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth
and nothing can get to me or cause me any harm.

May. Post Afrikaburn depression.... Mid-Autumn depression.... Death anniversaries... the start of the mid year slump .... and no fucking cuddle buddy again this year. Fun.

So, yes. Afrikaburn was lovely this year. I slept a lot, met so many interesting people and actually relaxed and had a sober(ish) fun time with real friends. I'm lucky and grateful for that. I still dont know why I go though.... but I do. And it helps..... something.

It's getting colder and darker in Cape Town. And while it's been lovely having an excuse to stay home and watch crappy movies, I do miss people and sun and parties.... sometimes.

And then death. Blah. Dad's death anniversary is tomorrow. 2012 feels like a lifetime ago at times. And, at other times, well... all the feels. At least I'm better than I was back then. Four years of radical self improvement, including four burns and countless trance parties and clown training and many many hours of therapy. God, I cant wait until therapy tomorrow.

But I'm better. At least I can acknowledge today that I am angry and sad and jealous.

And then there's boys and the distinct lack of action. I got kissed at Afrikaburn (not romantically though) but the idea was there and it was fun. And now I'm in the mood for it.... but not for relationships. I think. Maybe. I dont know.

Still, being around other relationships is making me feel grumpy and unhappy and inadequate. And that sucks. Fun.

Ok. I've got nothing more to add to this. I will talk about it in therapy tomorrow.

~anib

Remembering stuff

I'm really not a fan of remembering death anniversaries... but this one has been lingering on my mind for a while... so I guess I just need to address it.

On Tuesday, 26 May 2015, it will be three years since my dad passed away.

Three.
Years.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. But I guess I'm sad.
Sad that it doesn't really matter... and sad that it really really does.

That's all for now.

Forget about it

There are days... sometimes weeks... sometimes years... that can feel like you're dragging yourself through mud. When every minute of every day feels like a struggle. When, a little too often, you have to make the conscious choice to keep going, to not give up.
Those days feel cold, dark... and so very lonely.

I somehow managed to get out of such a slump recently. There were lots of internal reasons for it.. but mainly I was raging against this idea that looking to love to "save yourself from yourself" is not the answer.
I was angry. Sad. But mainly pissed off that lots of other people seem perfectly happy fixing their broken selves with love.... but I had to stay away from love and go do the shitty work of fixing myself first.
Not that I actually had a choice here.. but still. I raged. And emo'd.
Hard.

But I got over it. And, funnily enough (oh thank god I got my sense of humour back.. I missed that the most), I stumbled onto this clip from the Emmy's last night. Here's some Woody Wisdom for you:



And even though I dont really blog here a lot... I do share lots of things in different places. I've recently re-discovered a place called Categorian. And it's always interesting looking back...
Even though I know this wont help when I'm in "the black hole" again, I'm putting these up.
Because future emo ani,... you will get through it.
And you will be ok.
Possibly even better.
Promise.

                                                                 

                                             The trick is in what one emphasizes. 

                                                      We either make ourselves miserable, 
                                                           or we makes ourselves happy. 

The amount of work is the same

                       

~ anib

A long time ago

a long long time ago in a place called stumbleupon (SU), i was given a platform for the first time in my life to express myself creatively without any limits. i used to blog, write, collect images.. and make music videos. i also went by my "real name": anitab. 

this was on purpose. 

(this was also way before social media and companies checking your online activities.)

the purpose was, and always has been, to find anitab.

a fun little part of SU was our avatars. i used to change my avatar almost daily to reflect a current mood or another side of me. it became a "thing". it became something important to me. 

each and every one of my "avatar girls" became a part of me.

as i embraced their beauty, their quirkiness.... 

i started embracing mine.

these videos were compiled from all the pics of my "avatar girls". 

there are many children in these images. and many grown woman yearning for love. 

and lots of butterflies and bubbles and pink and hearts.

 and babies. 

and eyes. 

and sadness.

these videos still bring me to tears because they meant so much to me at the time. 

and, i guess.. they still do.

i guess i'm still looking.

and, i guess...

i still dont see.

i can smile a little when i look back today, though.

so many of the things i wanted for myself have come true.

i really do have some amazing friends.

there are people that "see" me.

i can dance with abandon.

i have great clothes and play with fashion.

i dyed my hair blue and purple.

i recovered from heartbreak.

barely.

that was the last video i created. 

my editing got a little better... and i got a little bit more hopeful about my future.

at first the butterflies seemed to be my way out and help me escape from the pain and sadness.

by the end, it seemed like the butterflies gave me more power to just be.

i dont have a conclusion...

yet...

other than this has been going on for a long time.

and long enough.

i'm tired of being sad.

good night.

~anib

I wuz robbed

Oh the many stories that are in those three words.But, the most recent story is an actual robbery that happened last week Sunday. My ID book, bank cards, cellphone and some cash got stolen out of my car. To be honest, it was a pretty easy robbery as my friend had left my car door open and I had left everything there.. waiting for karma.

And I was angry.... and sad. So very sad for all the old messages that I had lost. Lost hopes and dreams that were contained in text messages and whatsapps ... hoping for a different outcome. It took me a few days to feel the freedom of letting that all go. Ex-loves and ex-friends and conversations that no longer exist... are all gone. The new phone feels empty but a little liberating too.

Being without cash was also an interesting experience for four days. I've been unemployed before... but I had a credit limit back then. I had no access to my own money for about four days... and I was stressed and felt really useless. I love spoiling my friends and family and I love being able to take care of myself. So it wasnt a great experience to feel stuck at home again with no other option.

Overall, it was good to feel that sense of loss and realise I would still be ok, without all my normal "stuff" with me. I managed to do without for the most part and have got back everything I needed... and sometimes a little more (I just LOVE my new cellphone!).

My dear hippy friends tell me that the energies are busy changing as we're moving out of a serpent cycle. So the hippy snake can have my old phone and my old connections. I'm ready to shed the old snake skin and come out all shiny and clean and free from the past.

Looking back at the past week, I actually did have a good break (mentally and emotionally) from an old part of my past and connected more deeply with some friends that are part of my future.

All in all... a good experience.
Who knew?!
:)

~ anib

Brave thing

So I think I did a brave thing on Monday... I asked for help.

At first, it was just a little tweet sent out early on Monday morning.
You know how you sometimes just send out tweets without thinking... kinda hoping that no one sees but you just have to spit it out? Yeah, well... I really didnt expect anyone to see this tweet:
"Maybe I need help #depression"
People saw.
And people helped.
Thank you people. :)

So I did the next logical thing and found a doc and saw him the same day. It was good. I was given permission to grieve the many losses I have experienced in the last year. And some that I thought I was already over. Our brains are funny things. Regardless, I am giving myself a break and going to really take care of myself. Really. Kinda. Maybe.

The first step is getting some proper sleep and dreaming again. He is interested in dreams and working with the unconscious which makes my hippy heart very happy. And he doesn't like using medication which also makes me happy because I really dont do zombie very well. Oh and he's kinda cute. So that helps.

Otherwise, I'm still doing stupid shit... wasting money... worrying about everyone else too much.
I miss my friend Yvette. I really do. I've been sick.. and mentally down for a while now so I've chosen to stay away because she needs happy vibes and I aint got much of those these days.
I worry about my mom.. I think she is also depressed but... I dont know how to help her.
I worry about work... it's complicated.

And I've decided... to blog more.
So.... hi.
And um... bye for now.

xx
~anib

Good morning

I dread mornings.
I hate the heavy weight of duty and obligation.
I want to run away... every single day.
I need to stay away from dangerous places.. so I'm not tempted.

I'm not happy.

Every single day I feel "not good enough".
I feel alone.
And desperate.
Ugly.
And mean.

So I guess I've succumbed to depression..
again...
and I absolutely hate it.

I guess I've had a good run this anus horribilis so I shouldn't be too surprised.
I've been down this road before and I got out of it.... relatively ok.
But... I cant help but wonder if this is just the way some people have to live.
Not everyone gets their fairytale ending.
Not everyone gets their happy.
Sometimes... you just have to get on with it...do the best you can with what you've got... be grateful ... and some other stupid platitudes.


And as I'm writing this... a little teeny tiny faint child-like voice says:
bullshit.


So I try again.


Fuck it.
xx

This is it

This is the part where I tell you about my lovely trip overseas and how wonderful and refreshed I feel.
This is the part where I tell you I followed my heart and it didnt get broken again.
This is the part where I tell you being back home feels great and I cant wait to get back into my old life.
This is the part where I tell you I missed my friends a lot and they missed me.

But it isn't.

The trip was ok... there were beautiful moments, moments of tears and laughter... but it was long and challenging too.
My heart didn't get broken but it did get a little hurt. I wanted more.
And home feels like a foreign place. Cape Town is cold and unfriendly.
My friends feel.... distant. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe it's too soon. It's probably me.

And then life.. and Death... relentlessly takes its toll.
Another death this week. Not enough life...
I am sad today.
It is too much.

Daddy Blues

There are moments when it all just hits you.
You will never see my kids... if I even have kids. will i ever have kids?
I will never know if you even liked me.. god dammit... why didnt you say anything?
I have to take care of your wife now. where the hell is my life?

i get pissed off at myself for wasting time... for not doing more, being more.
i get mad that maybe it's your fault that i need constant validation from men.
how the hell do i stop making the same mistakes? when do i get my chance??
i am sad... and guilty... for taking this trip overseas with mom... with your money. yes, it ours but still.
i hate that your death felt like a relief.... that the pain had stopped... that all our pain had stopped.

except it hasn't.

i wish i had more time.
to say thank you.
and sorry.
and
do you love me?

~anib

It's not perfect

I thought I wasn't ok in my last post.... I had no idea.
My father died last week.
He'd been ill for a long time now.... but last week... it just got worse.
He couldn't walk.. he couldn't breathe. He gave his last breathe on Saturday morning.

I didnt get to say good bye.
I wonder if he knew that I wanted to.
I wonder if I could've said or done anything more.
Something... anything... we just wanted a little bit more.

The funeral was yesterday. I gave the eulogy.
Some people said I was brave. I didnt know that I had a choice.
Today... I decided to not be brave. Today, I was sad.
Today I slept... holding the teddy bear he bought me when I was 13 (yes, way too old for a teddy).

old handsby ~fmamb

I've worn his wedding ring as a chain all week... but today I actually looked at it for the first time.
(Time to face the reality, I guess.)
It's not a perfect circle.
I guess 34 years of marriage takes its toll.
As does 74 years of hard work, I guess.
My father worked too hard... every fucking day in the shop... with not much to show for it.
We have enough. We'll be fine. And my brother and I are smart kids...  we'll be fine.
But I just HATE it that someone who is a good person, who never harmed a single thing, with a warm and gentle spirit... can still get fucked by this world.
Yeah.... I am angry at you, world.
So angry and so sad.
Because it's all just unfair.

*breathe*

I came here to say that just because it's not perfect, doesn't mean it's not good..... and ok.
But I dont feel ok today.
So no happy ending today.
Take that, world.

~anib

It still hurts

 

It's been three years since I filed for divorce. It's been a tumultuous couple of years... and it's still not finalised. It's tiring. I've been challenged emotionally so many times that I often feel like I just cant deal with any more on my plate. Throw in a couple more broken relationships along the way and I'm really a stumbling wreck.

But on I go... pretending?
Maybe just hanging in there... doing the best that I can.

I've gone through all the emotions. I've been angry and sad and given up many times. Surely, by now, I should be done with all of this? I should feel nothing. But, today, while talking to a new colleague about the drama, I realised.... I'm still hurt.

There are a couple of things that still sting from that breakup. The big thing was that he didn't think I'd be a good mother. Growing up, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mother. Now? I know nothing for sure.

I think he could actually be right about that though. Everyone I've loved and cared about in some way has grown to hate me.. .or, worse, has grown indifferent and "abandoned" me (Yes, I'm allowed to be melodramatic here). Yeah, people change and we all grow apart... but I just dont think I'm a very good friend. Or girlfriend, if we're being brutally honest. 

I'm far too selfish and self absorbed. They say that when you have a kid, you change. I was hoping that would happen. I dont want to be self absorbed... but when there's no one to take care of, what am I supposed to do? Right now, I'm just not emotionally connected to anyone and I feel a deep need to. It bothers me. It makes me feel empty. But maybe I should just be on my own for a while longer until I figure out how to be loveable.

I'm also still hurt by his betrayal. I know that I betrayed him too... but I just always expected him to always love me. Yes, I still believed in love... even when I had fallen out of love. I'm not sure I believe in anything anymore. I dont like being this cynical.. but I am. I dont know what else to be right now.

I feel bad that I hurt him. He did love me. Or maybe he just liked the idea of a wife. I once found a list that he made of pros and cons of being married to me. It was difficult to read. I think it's harder to believe he didn't actually love me.

I hate how I still feel bad about doing what was best for me.
I hate how I still make excuses for his behaviour.
I hate that I will never ever feel good enough for the best.

*breathes*

It still hurts.
I want that to stop. 

the abyss

i like pictures.
i find that i can express myself better with images than with words.
which is why i love my StumbleUpon page and collect the best images here.
so i was stumbled this image by a friend.. and it just felt... familiar.
this is what my life feels like.
a happy little girl enjoying a care-free life...
but with the ever present dark, horrible abyss not very far away...
and i can see it.. and know that it's there... but i have to just keep on swinging...
or something like that.
*emo sigh*

Image

Can't speak

i've had this feeling since i was 9.
don't speak.
do as you're told.
play nice.
what will the neighbours say...

can't speak

since then... i've never been comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings. it's been a long road to finally understand what i feel... but i know i'm not quite "over it".

i always seem to get into situations where i am made to feel that i can't say what i think... cant express what i feel... cant just be me and be accepted for that.
and i realise that most of it is just me holding myself back.

my tormentors are no longer in my life, but they still have an effect on me.
for some reason, every man i've been with has decided that i need to be shut up in one way or another.. sometimes with force.
i cannot explain the fear that i still feel... but i know that it is still very difficult for me to trust again.
and i hate that. i hate them... and i hate myself for allowing this to continue.

i need a place to express this anger.
being online used to be a free place for me, where i could just express what i felt with no real consequences.
with real life friends and acqaintances in places like twitter and facebook, i am finding it limiting.
if i were to rant and rave... and swear like i want to... i'm pretty sure my dear friends would call the white coats on me.
but that is a side of me that i desperately need to express.

i AM angry... about a lot of things. and i know that behind the anger is a lot of sadness. but i can't get to it if i'm not allowed to express the anger.
and, right now.. i dont have a place where i can do that.
so... once again.. i feel like i'm suffocating, unable to breathe, to speak freely, to scream... to cry.

so i'm having a quiet scream to myself here.

everybody scream

just thought i'd let you know.
x