Blogtober

So I really miss blogging. Not that I ever really blogged with any real consistency here... but I used to in other places (*sob* stumbleupon *sob*).
I've tried to cut down on Facebook and limit my status posts to a max of one a day. Twitter is more of a stream of consciousness thing that I hope no one actually reads. And tumblr... urgh. Look, I've tried but I really just dont like it.

So... let's try Blogtober. I'm not going to blog every day but I hope to blog more - at least about once a week. There's lots of things going on in my head but I dont always write them down because I'm still trying to figure them out. I like to write a blog post with a conclusion in mind. I hear my English teacher in my head when I write that. But maybe you dont always need to have the conclusion at hand.
I also rely on my therapist to talk things through and maybe having another outlet would be a good idea. The public nature of this blog does make me a little nervous but I'll try to be a little braver.
I'll also try to post with little editing as I often get stuck in edit mode (post edit: as I'm doing right now....). It's my little perfectionist streak and I dont want to appear stupid. Like, I'm very much aware how bad it is to start sentences with "and" and "but"... and "like". :)

Anyway.... here goes.

Not much going on today other than I'm busy planning a work trip to London in two weeks. I dont have any confirmation of dates yet, so it's really messing with my slight control freak (SO FREAKING OUT WITH LACK OF CONTROL). ahem.
Also I'm a little disappointed in someone that I.... oh how do i put this delicately.... kinda want to love me but who doesn't give me what I really want. bleh. Really not sure how I feel about this friendship that isn't just a friendship and probably shouldn't be a friendship. But I feel like it's the last bit of romance I have left in the world. So... that's a pretty sucky feeling but I'm working through it.

Otherwise, work is good. I'm good.

Laters.
x

The ghosts of loves lost

I had a strange feeling today: I missed my ex-husband.
The husband I left in 2008, divorced in 2009 and am still fighting with to resolve our joint estate. So maybe we're not exactly "done". I dont know.
But there was this jazzy tune that came on the radio and I remembered how we would dance like crazy people in our living room to that type of music... smiling, laughing... loving? I cant even remember what that feels like anymore.
But I miss it. I miss that. I miss.... what was and what could've been.

It's a strange feeling... after feeling hurt and angry and sad at everything that happened during our split.
It's a strange feeling knowing that the ones you love, will never really leave you completely.
They become a part of you... they shape who you are. They become your "story".
And you have to respect that... respect them.... and then... I dont know.
What do you do?
Forgive, forget... move on?
Do you ever take a step back and see if you missed out on something??

I've been going through a bit of a reconciliation period with old exes and flames and I'm glad I've reconnected with some of these people that were a part of my life. My heart feels a little better after remembering the good times with them and being allowed in their lives again. I feel very loved... but in a very different way. And I'm learning about what I've done wrong... about expectations... and loving the person for who they are and not wanting more (or less). So I see this all as positive steps forward.

But with some people... I guess some unresolved (or unexpressed) feelings still linger. I worry that I may hurt people again. I also worry that I could get hurt again. I mean... how many hits can a heart actually take before it's unusable? I worry that I may become too "hard" and will completely forget what being loved feels like. I worry that I may never actually have experienced it... so how will I know it when I see it??

I worry about all of this.. and have a bit of regret, of course.
I cant fix all the mistakes I've made. I cant go too far backwards. Self preservation and all that...
So I wont be contacting the ex-husband. But I hope he is ok. I hope he still dances and laughs.... and occasionally thinks of me fondly.

But most of all... I hope I can move on... forgive myself and them.. and maybe, hopefully soon... step into real lasting love. Whatever the hell that is. :)

But, dear ghosts, you will always be a part of my heart.
I had no idea I still had one... so thank you... for reminding me that I can be loved.
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me about myself and about love and life.
I hope I am learning fast.
Because I do miss it.
And that.

~ani

Dear You

Dear You.
You who I'm not supposed to still be thinking about.
You who I've blocked and removed from my online life.
You who told me many moons ago.. that I could do this.
You who abandoned me.. when I did it.
You... who said he would never leave.
You left.

I'm now listening to your music, stumbling onto your pictures.
Wondering... hoping... could we go back?

I sit here perplexed.
You are still able to use the words "soul mates".
How is it possible that we could ever be mates... without ever meeting?
How could you know anything about my soul... without seeing my eyes, feeling my lips, touching my hips...?

We've been through this many times before.. and many moons ago...
I have to now accept that our time has passed.
Whatever could've been.. can no longer be.

So I thank you... for making me believe that I was worth the effort so long ago.
For helping me find the beauty that was hidden inside for so long.
For bittersweet moments that I can never forget.

I'm sorry that we hurt each other... when neither one of us wanted that.
There is still a small part of me that is angry with you.
I'm angry that you gave up too easily..
angry that you didn't fight for me.

But with all these mixed up feelings...
With all this unresolved madness...
I say good bye.

goodbye kiss