The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 


Good night, lovelies.
xx

~anib

Dear 32

It's one month to go before my 33rd birthday.
Before this year gets any worse, I have to say this:
Dear 32... you've been a bit shit.

It actually started off ok. I had a great birthday party last year. It was fun and silly and filled with pink girliness. I had a long table of friends there... but I'm not friends with a lot of those people today. That was mostly my choice but still. I'm not sure I want to have another party this year. I dont really feel close to many people at the moment. I think I've just retreated into my own shell and given up. I hope the feeling passes soon. I've done the ice queen thing... and blue is just not my colour.

ice queen by ~rainbow-art

And then I was in this long distance/complicated "relationship" that was just a huge waste of time and money. I had a couple of cool experiences (yay trance parties!) but I spent an inordinate amount of money on someone that couldn't even say he wanted to be with me. No one else to blame here... I'm just a needy, sad idiot. I may have had enough of throwing myself at people that actually dont really love me. I certainly hope so. 

Work was also so very busy. I was challenged in so many ways and asked to step up my game beyond what I wanted for myself. I am exhausted. And I'm still not sure where I want to go and what I want to be. It's complicated. :/

And then... this horrible month of June. My father has been sick for such a long time... so I'm sort of relieved that he is now in peace. At least I hope he is... I just dont really know how to deal with this death shit. More than that, I have to now take care of my mom. I feel decidedly unprepared and incapable. I despise this whole grown-up crap.

I have had some amazing people in my life and I am grateful for every kindness shown. But I still feel this cold, gnawing loneliness. This deep despair that I've fucked things up beyond repair. That I will never have a sense of peace and happiness. Maybe I need to just give myself a break.

So basically I think I'm just tired. I have no big plans for the month ahead... I just want to keep my head down and avoid life for a bit longer. The only interesting thing this past year was meeting with Rod Suskin. He did warn me that nothing would happen in my 30's. So I guess I just need to hang in there... and wait till the fabulous 40's.

Right now....

Baby

meh.

~ani