Diamonds and pearls

Well that was a long time coming. I've finally given away all my old jewelry. Literally... almost twenty years worth of crap. Gah!

Just from the picture above, I can pick up a few stories. There were a few beaded necklaces from a very dear friend of mine when I left my first job in 2007. There's some pearls that I bought to wear to church. There's the white beaded necklace when I decided to go hippy.  There's the evil claw when I was a little goth in high school. There's some beads from my grandmother. And a necklace that I got gifted at Afrikaburn "Archetypes".

There's a whole bunch of stuff that I bought because it was cheap and on sale and I wanted to feel good for a little bit, when clothes didn't fit or I couldn't afford anything else. Crap that I didnt even wear once because the thrill was temporary.  Good bye.

The heart shaped box was a gift that I left for my ex-husband because I had to go away on a business trip over Valentines' Day, probably around 2008. And during that holiday away, I was chatting to some other guys on gtalk. I was not in a good space. I got divorced later that year. (And literally..... I was in Polokwane!)

And I see some beads I got at the Turkey airport in 2012 and then I found that you can get them here as well. Bah. And that blue necklace from university days that I would wear constantly for years...

So much crap. I'm glad I got to gift it to the Bedazzled camp at Afrikaburn. And it's all now gone and I have more space and can actually see what I have. Lots more to clean up and clear out.
Onwards!

~anib

Past things

Oh hello past things. Hello from the other side.... 

It's another Adele evening. Because there's only so many times that I can say goodbye to you. But every damn time... it hurts. And it's enough. Enough.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Lovely Adele reminds us that sometimes we can have a Spice Girls power day and sometimes we're just silly, happy drunks and sometimes we're a monster. But through it all... we're just ourselves, doing the best we can and just driving along through our lives.

Meh. I dont have any more words.
I'm regressing to 2006 ani where I just spoke in images.
And lots of Meh.
Grr. Urgh. Sigh.

Ok. I'm done.
x

A long time ago

a long long time ago in a place called stumbleupon (SU), i was given a platform for the first time in my life to express myself creatively without any limits. i used to blog, write, collect images.. and make music videos. i also went by my "real name": anitab. 

this was on purpose. 

(this was also way before social media and companies checking your online activities.)

the purpose was, and always has been, to find anitab.

a fun little part of SU was our avatars. i used to change my avatar almost daily to reflect a current mood or another side of me. it became a "thing". it became something important to me. 

each and every one of my "avatar girls" became a part of me.

as i embraced their beauty, their quirkiness.... 

i started embracing mine.

these videos were compiled from all the pics of my "avatar girls". 

there are many children in these images. and many grown woman yearning for love. 

and lots of butterflies and bubbles and pink and hearts.

 and babies. 

and eyes. 

and sadness.

these videos still bring me to tears because they meant so much to me at the time. 

and, i guess.. they still do.

i guess i'm still looking.

and, i guess...

i still dont see.

i can smile a little when i look back today, though.

so many of the things i wanted for myself have come true.

i really do have some amazing friends.

there are people that "see" me.

i can dance with abandon.

i have great clothes and play with fashion.

i dyed my hair blue and purple.

i recovered from heartbreak.

barely.

that was the last video i created. 

my editing got a little better... and i got a little bit more hopeful about my future.

at first the butterflies seemed to be my way out and help me escape from the pain and sadness.

by the end, it seemed like the butterflies gave me more power to just be.

i dont have a conclusion...

yet...

other than this has been going on for a long time.

and long enough.

i'm tired of being sad.

good night.

~anib

Crash and burn

I suppose I should do an Afrikaburn post. It was nice. I had fun. And then I got pissed off.

It's hard to walk away from Afrikaburn and remember the good stuff when I found out that my good friend had passed away from cancer while I was out frolicking in the desert.

I also almost died as we left the Burn. It's not something that I really want to talk about... but our car almost rolled on that horrible R355 gravel road of hell. And I'm insanely pissed off at my friend... for many things that happened before, during and after the Burn but this was probably the last straw for me. The least you could've done, after everything that I have done for you, was get me there safe and sound. The very least.

I tried to explain why I was upset... but I managed to just end up burning that bridge. Hard. We're no longer friends. (Not because of the accident.... mostly about money... and some hurtful things that were said.)

So after a week of sunny days and hot party nights and naked old men running around the desert and beautiful girls and their little boy issues and trance and hip hop and art (amazing amazing art) and science and tea and croquet (yes really) and rainbows and butterflies and crystals and chakras and hula hoops and purple weddings and sand (so much sand)..... after all of that, I will only remember the two important friends that I lost.

It feels a little ungrateful.... but I cant see much past death and loss at the moment. Even watching the Reflection sculpture from last year's burn get burned this year left me a little sad. And of course last year's burn was the first time I was able to mourn properly for my dad. His death anniversary is this month. Two years.

And I'm still single. I actually really did put myself out there this Afrikaburn. I flirted with a few boys... got accepted but rejected and another guy just wanted sex. And I realised that I really dont just want that. So I'm still single. I give up.

And I got sick this week. Horribly sick with snot and fevers and coughing all night.

I am freaking over this month.

But the greatest hurt is losing  my friend. Death, I can try to understand.. but having a friend abuse my love and trust is something I can never get used to. I'm heart broken.... and tired. And a lot poorer too so I cant do much more than sit with these feelings and feel them. I mean, who DOES that?!

I'm done.

Just stand there and watch me burn.

~anib

Blog Challenge - Day 1 to 3 of 31 days of Blogging

I could write something personal and touching but I have a therapist for that. And I just dont want to talk about what I'm thinking or feeling these days. So... let's try this: A blog challenge for 31 days... that will not be updated daily. But we'll see how it goes.

Born in Woodstock. Grew up in Maitland. Schooled in Goodwood. Lived in Bellville, Parow, Plumstead, West Beach and now back to the 'wood.

Was top of the class in primary school and high school. Prefect and head girl type. Went to UCT. BCom(Acc). Failed final honours year but got first time pass in Board 1 and 2 and qualified as a CA(SA).

Had one boyfriend in high school (18) that I married when I was 23. He was 13 years older. Got divorced when I was 29 after a year of trial separation. Partly due to an online love interest (me and then him) but also had a miscarriage and related depression. I am still repaying his debt (our home loan). He has disappeared.

Quit my job at the time and was unemployed for almost 2 years. Took a massage class. And did pilates. Met a boy that was serious. And then met a few other boys that weren't.  Met a man that made me pay for everything including his bail money. Took him to Mozambique too. Paid for everything.

Met a trance acquaintance at ex-boy's wedding. Went to trance parties more often. Met lots of interesting people. Have a new family that loves me for me. Went to Afrikaburn!

Father died in May 2012. Went to Portugal that year to visit family and to Helsinki (to meet a man).

Have a new job now that interests and excites me.

I smile a lot more easily these days.

~249 words

1. dancing
2. making someone smile
3. toasted cheese sandwich
4. kissing
5. the colour pink
6. youtube
7. the wizard of oz
8. earbuds
9. laughing
10. lindt dark chocolate balls.

Hard one. Not a lot of pics that I like of me but trance parties have made me look good with bright happy pics of me all over the place. The truth is, I dont always feel super happy. But this pic from Origin 2013... I was pretty happy and relaxed. I made lots of new friends and had fun.Also... the happy hat made its début at this party.

Next update in a few days time. Have Vortex this weekend. :)

~anib

Dolly and the Rockers

this is a copy paste job from my SU blog from 27 April 2008:

Let me explain the story with me and Dolly.
I asked Mom to buy me the new Kylie Minogue album for my birthday. The locomotion, baby.. everybody was doing it. :P
Now, my mom couldn't speak or read English, so I asked her to look for the album with the girl with big blonde hair.
I guess it was an honest mistake...


lol.
But this was the second time my mom had done this to me. I remember when I asked for a Barbie doll.. and she got me freaking Dana. I mean.. come on..she's a brunette! She's the one on the left (like you didn't know). Mine had an orange top with blue pants and orange earrings. Urgh.

But enough about my childhood trauma... (Oh, I did eventually get a Barbie... but I never really liked her. Meh. And I never did get that Kylie album.)

So, because I'm such a nice person (no really, i am :P)... I accepted the Dolly Album with a smile.
And I listened..
and I loved.

Now. Jolene. It's a great song.
This version is strong and powerful. Compare it to this sweet and innocent version.
And this is just so cool.
Enjoy.
:)

*update 2011: Dolly still rocks my world.

Linger

Linger by*eiahmiki @ DeviantArt.com

Our brains are pretty amazing. We're one of the few mammals that can grasp the concept of a past, present and future. I'm particularly interested in memories and how our brains can trick us... or how we (consciously or not) can trick the brain back.

I dont know much about the psychology of memories, but I know that every time you think about something, you create a link in your brain to it. The more you think about it, the stronger that link becomes. Which is why it's often difficult to forget the things that we want to forget... because we keep thinking about them!

"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." ~Michel de Montaigne 

It's true that what you resist, persists. So, why can't we just stop?! Urgh! Because we're also emotional creatures with active imaginations. The problem with a memory is that you forget the bits that you didn't like and you're often left with a rosy view of the past. It's natural... but it can be dangerous.

So.. as the year ended a couple of days ago.... I went through the year that was, picking at certain memories. There are so many things that I wish I hadn't experienced... so many mistakes... so much unnecessary crap that I put myself through. There was good stuff too: amazing new and renewed friendships, an awe-inspiring World Cup, a quiet confidence that I've never had before.

There are still a few memories that catch me off-guard and it still hits me hard when I remember a certain pain, a betrayal, a lack of caring... I choose to keep remembering those because I want to learn. I dont want to go back there... so I have to learn from the pain.
I want to remember it all, so that I can learn to be thankful and grateful for ALL of life's experiences.
I want to be better and do better.
And, eventually, I do want the memories that hurt to go away and not linger in the back of my head.
I really want to.. and I will.. in time.
For now... they linger...
But not for long... I promise.

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong

Happy 2011.
May you be brave enough to remember.
xx