On Being Medicated

 Depression? Kinda depressing, hey?  😂

Anyhoo.... I've probably lived with depression my whole life in some form or another. I still haven't figured out if it's situational or just genetics. I have a feeling that my dad had depression or was perhaps on the autism spectrum. And I had a little sad when I heard one of my nieces "is sometimes sad for no reason." My heart. :(

I became obsessed with psychology at a pretty young age, trying my best to understand myself and others better. I have experienced some pretty shitty situations from a very young age... it's hard to recover from that kind of repetitive pain. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I've been trying so hard for years to understand why I feel so different. At this stage, I think this is just the way it is.

My last straw was the sudden and unexpected death of my mother last year. I just wanted to give up. Life just felt really hard and dark and impossible. I was physically not well... I felt dizzy and not in touch with reality (dissacociation and derealisation). I have been in and out of talk therapy for various periods of time since I was at UCT (probably around 2000). It has helped me in so many ways but, at that stage, I was just tired of talking. Also, post-covid, it was hard finding an in-person psychologist. I tried the "zoom" therapy and it just sucked.

I reached out to a psychiatrist (on instagram obvs) and decided to try medication again for depression and occasional anxiety. She also got me medically checked out and prescribed me some other vitamins (B12, D and Iron). It's been about a year now.... and today, I suddenly realised that I was feeling better. I was feeling lighter... more in control.... more alive. 

I still dont feel happy though... but I am content. I'm proud that I reached out and did what I needed to do to stay alive. And I am allowing myself the peace of mind of staying on the medication. This helps me be a better person. It helps me overcome difficult situations and learn how to be brave again.

Take the meds. Speak to someone. 

There is help out there. Even if it's hard. 

It's worth the effort. You're worth the effort.

k. bye.

~anib

Linger

Linger by*eiahmiki @ DeviantArt.com

Our brains are pretty amazing. We're one of the few mammals that can grasp the concept of a past, present and future. I'm particularly interested in memories and how our brains can trick us... or how we (consciously or not) can trick the brain back.

I dont know much about the psychology of memories, but I know that every time you think about something, you create a link in your brain to it. The more you think about it, the stronger that link becomes. Which is why it's often difficult to forget the things that we want to forget... because we keep thinking about them!

"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." ~Michel de Montaigne 

It's true that what you resist, persists. So, why can't we just stop?! Urgh! Because we're also emotional creatures with active imaginations. The problem with a memory is that you forget the bits that you didn't like and you're often left with a rosy view of the past. It's natural... but it can be dangerous.

So.. as the year ended a couple of days ago.... I went through the year that was, picking at certain memories. There are so many things that I wish I hadn't experienced... so many mistakes... so much unnecessary crap that I put myself through. There was good stuff too: amazing new and renewed friendships, an awe-inspiring World Cup, a quiet confidence that I've never had before.

There are still a few memories that catch me off-guard and it still hits me hard when I remember a certain pain, a betrayal, a lack of caring... I choose to keep remembering those because I want to learn. I dont want to go back there... so I have to learn from the pain.
I want to remember it all, so that I can learn to be thankful and grateful for ALL of life's experiences.
I want to be better and do better.
And, eventually, I do want the memories that hurt to go away and not linger in the back of my head.
I really want to.. and I will.. in time.
For now... they linger...
But not for long... I promise.

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong

Happy 2011.
May you be brave enough to remember.
xx