Zen and the art of cutting

Memories are funny things. And good intentions are supposed to be good things. And the universe, sometimes, has a pretty weird sense of humour. Such is life.

So a friend of mine is getting married on my wedding day. Well, my ex-wedding day. But still. It matters. To me. I think. I'm not sure if it should... but it does... sorta. I think? *sigh* This is my brain at the moment. Sorry.

ANYway... so I offered to help her with some things and I landed up cutting paper butterflies. Yay butterflies! 2013 was the year of the butterfly for me personally (for many reasons) but I haven't yet turned into a butterfly. I have my moments but the butterfly is still really important to me and I am working really hard on blossoming into one (so to speak).

So... I start losing myself in cutting up the tiny paper butterflies and my mind wanders to weddings and love and romance and I try to steer my head back into the here and now ... and then Alanis Morisette comes on the playlist. Oh come on, universe. Really?!

Nothing takes me back to the icky times in my life than old Alanis. My ex-husband and I used to do mix tapes (oh 90's i miss you) for each other when we were dating  and one of the songs I put on a tape for him was "Head over Feet."

You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that.....
You've already won me over in spite of me. And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet....
I've never felt this healthy before. I've never wanted something rational

That was my "declaration of love." That was me, in all of my vulnerability, saying "I love you - Please love me back." That was me being certain... being so very careful with my heart and then being so very sure that this was "it" and handing it over. And I was wrong. (As an aside, that was also me having very low standards. Ha. #regret )

It's so very easy getting angry at "the other" in a relationship. He did many things wrong. But I did too. I made mistakes. I was wrong. And that's a bitter (and jagged!) little pill to swallow sometimes.

I made a mistake then. I'm not sure if the mistake was to trust him or to let myself fall in love so ridiculously that I lost all sense of myself. Would anyone have been able to stop that? Was the whole relationship a mistake or did I learn something from it? Some days... I'm not sure if much has changed.

I had all of this is swirling around in my head as I carried on delicately cutting up tiny paper butteflies. All the ups and downs were going on in my head... from regret to pain to sweet nostalgia... but none of it actually changed my reality. I am here because of all that happened in my past. All those experiences (bad and good) are part of me and who I am today.

So enough of regret. And enough of punishing myself for being me, when I really didnt know any better.

Sometimes I worry that my feelings will overwhelm me so I try not to get into the sads. But I'm still ok. I felt all the feels... and life went on.

Life is weird. Good intentions are still good. And memories are still funny things.
But life goes on regardless of your mistakes.

Mistakes happen and the only thing you can do is learn from them and enjoy the weird, lovely, funny experiences along the way.
I need to be a little kinder to myself.
And remind myself that it's ok to be human.... with a butterfly heart. :)

~anib

It still hurts

 

It's been three years since I filed for divorce. It's been a tumultuous couple of years... and it's still not finalised. It's tiring. I've been challenged emotionally so many times that I often feel like I just cant deal with any more on my plate. Throw in a couple more broken relationships along the way and I'm really a stumbling wreck.

But on I go... pretending?
Maybe just hanging in there... doing the best that I can.

I've gone through all the emotions. I've been angry and sad and given up many times. Surely, by now, I should be done with all of this? I should feel nothing. But, today, while talking to a new colleague about the drama, I realised.... I'm still hurt.

There are a couple of things that still sting from that breakup. The big thing was that he didn't think I'd be a good mother. Growing up, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mother. Now? I know nothing for sure.

I think he could actually be right about that though. Everyone I've loved and cared about in some way has grown to hate me.. .or, worse, has grown indifferent and "abandoned" me (Yes, I'm allowed to be melodramatic here). Yeah, people change and we all grow apart... but I just dont think I'm a very good friend. Or girlfriend, if we're being brutally honest. 

I'm far too selfish and self absorbed. They say that when you have a kid, you change. I was hoping that would happen. I dont want to be self absorbed... but when there's no one to take care of, what am I supposed to do? Right now, I'm just not emotionally connected to anyone and I feel a deep need to. It bothers me. It makes me feel empty. But maybe I should just be on my own for a while longer until I figure out how to be loveable.

I'm also still hurt by his betrayal. I know that I betrayed him too... but I just always expected him to always love me. Yes, I still believed in love... even when I had fallen out of love. I'm not sure I believe in anything anymore. I dont like being this cynical.. but I am. I dont know what else to be right now.

I feel bad that I hurt him. He did love me. Or maybe he just liked the idea of a wife. I once found a list that he made of pros and cons of being married to me. It was difficult to read. I think it's harder to believe he didn't actually love me.

I hate how I still feel bad about doing what was best for me.
I hate how I still make excuses for his behaviour.
I hate that I will never ever feel good enough for the best.

*breathes*

It still hurts.
I want that to stop. 

My idea of fun

"Wanna have some fun?"
Yeah! Life is too short... let's have FUN!
Oh wait... what do you mean by fun?
Oh... that. You just want "no strings" access to my body parts?
That's um.. sweet. Tempting.. but no thanks.
Want to know what my idea of fun is?

Let's talk about how to make the world a better place.
I want to hear your ideas, your hopes and dreams for the future.
I want to know what makes your heart ache... what makes you laugh out loud.
I want to know your deepest darkest secret... and then laugh together at how silly it is.
I want to know your fears and weaknesses... and love you anyway.
I want coffee made for me, just the way I like it.
I want chocolate and flowers.. because "I thought of you today."
Body parts? You want body parts? Let me show you how.. and where... in a million different ways. Isn't that better than one sloppy drunken night? It is for me...

Know what else is fun? Having a life growing inside you.
One that I made with you... a combination of both our lives... a part of both of us.. forever. How fun is that?!
Then we get to watch it grow... we love and nurture it together.. we learn, we grow.. together.
I see you every day, and learn more about you every day.. and love you more... every single day.
And you teach me more about myself.. and I grow and change.. and become a better person because of you. And you love me... more and more.
Are we having fun yet?

So... yeah. I like having fun.
I want fun... with someone who knows what it's really all about.
Call me when you grow up and figure it all out.

love ani.
yes... love me.
it's all or nothing.
i'm worth it.
xx

Divorced... congrats?

So... I got divorced today.
My boyfriend's getting divorced tomorrow.
We're having a divorce party.
Some people find this... um... weird.
Well... news flash.. I'm a tad weird. :P

So why am I celebrating?
I mean... divorce is like a death... it's the end of something good... so it's bad, right?
I know... I used to believe that was true.. once upon a time.
I used to believe that staying married, staying together no matter what, was the right way... it was good... it was for the best.
I believed that you could talk things out, that love lasts forever, that my trust would never be betrayed... that I was loved completely.
Now, I can't believe that I was ever that young and naive...

I know when I stopped believing.
It was 31 July 2008. I was pregnant... about 10 weeks.
I had been in bed for weeks with anxiety and depression from work stress but I was glowing.
I loved being pregnant.
I hadn't told the "real" world yet, but my baby existed online in my StumbleUpon world. It was known as Baby Rose. I just knew it was a girl. I named her after my beloved grandmother. I was going for my first scan the following week to confirm.
I was turning 29 the following day, 1 August.

Despite all of this... I felt uneasy in my own house.
My husband was online all the time.
Now, this isn't usually a problem for me, as I'm an internet addict...
But.. there was something that had changed in him.
He didn't act like... well, like a happy father-to-be.
I tried my very best to ignore my inner voice... that nagging feeling that "this isn't right."
Anyway... I found out that he was having an intimate relationship with a female friend overseas. She had just got divorced and cried on his shoulder. A cry then turned into a kiss. This was all virtual, but I know how real that can feel.

Well, when I found out.. I was completely crushed.
I literally felt my heart break... and my baby cried with me.
And after everything I had done to try and rescue our relationship...
I had gone to personal therapy (because I thought I was the problem...). We had done some couples counselling (but I was still the problem...).
I ignored friends that were unduly influencing me to leave my husband and go after silly dreams... like being happy just being me... and maybe be with someone that I didn't have to convince to have babies with me.... silly stuff like that..

Anyway... after the scan, I found out that I lost the baby that night.
I already knew... so, when the gynae told me, I was numb.
My husband... well... he did nothing. He said nothing. Which is not unusual, as he didn't speak much.. but... FFS... I needed him.
Eventually, I just switched off from the world. I was dead inside.
I was in bed for another month. I felt that I had nowhere to go... but a place was found.
I moved out to my aunt's place... I went back to my husband.... we spoke... we went to family braais... I went back to my aunt.. I stayed at friend's... I drank.

The last straw... was December 2008.
I found a visa.. to Netherlands.. where the lady friend was.
So... the relationship had continued... all this time... all the time he'd said... he said he loved me. He lied.
Did I mention she had two children? And yet he didn't want one child with me...
It didn't matter anymore. I left... for the last time.
The next day I filed for divorce.... and he left to go play in the snow.

He came back two months later, and I had moved the rest of my personal belongings out.
We agreed to an amicable divorce and were just going to split everything 50:50 like responsible adults. No hard feelings.
Months later... and he had not supplied us with ANY information.
Instead, we were arguing over which dvd's were his.

In June 2009, I went over to dispense with the petty stuff.
Which cup do you want? Can I have the bedroom curtains? Silly stuff like that.
During our "discussion", the issue of the house came up.
He was living in it with his parents. I said that we'd probably have to sell it to settle the bond. He refused. But... we have to? He refused... and then told me to leave HIS house.
I laughed. He didn't.
He started pushing me out the living room.
He then asked for the garage remote key.
I refused.. and he got angry.
Long story short, he then twisted my arm, threatened my life, threatened to burn down the house.. and basically scared the shit out of me.
The assault charge is now postponed to February 2010.

So.. yeah.. since then.... I lost a bit of faith.
I've really tried to make this work.
I've really tried to be the person he needed me to be.
Just being me was never ever good enough...
But now I KNOW it is.
And I have people that know it too.

I don't know what the future will hold.
I don't know whether I'll be better off financially.
I don't know if I'll ever get married again or ever have children.
I'll miss my house and my cups and curtains...
But I'm happy being "just ani".

So.. yes.. congratulate me on finally letting go of a man I used to love... a man that taught me a lot... a man that has hurt me... but a man that can't hurt me anymore.

yay ani!
^_^