Biting my tongue

I woke up on Tuesday morning from another weird dream/nightmare and thought "oh that's pretty interesting... I should write it down." And then I fell asleep again and forgot the dream. However, I found that I had somehow managed to bite my tongue in my sleep. It's still really sore a day later so who knows what I was up to.

I logged onto twitter and people were bitching about some no bra day thing. Yes, I agree that no bras and pink shit doesn't help cancer but adding your voice just adds more noise sometimes. Maybe I'm super passive aggressive and not a fan of conflict, but I believe my silence says more than a verbal protest. Either way, I decided to ignore the drama and focus on the beautiful morning and forge ahead with a busy work day.

And then timehop gently reminded me that it was Yvette's birthday. I wish she (and her family) knew how much I still think of her. I still dont quite feel right having purple hair because that was her colour. And I wish I could plaster "please wear sunscreen" everywhere at outdoor parties. We haven't had too much sun yet but it's coming. Please please.... cover up and take care of your skin.

Anyhoo.. it made me a little sad to remember her, but such is the price of love. So on we keep moving with the day.

And then Facebook. It was pretty funny that in an informal twitter poll, I was one of the few people that chose Facebook as my favourite social media place. Look, it's full of conservative and/or racist friends and family.... but it's easy to hide those kind of things. Generally, the people that I follow are pretty interesting and entertaining. I guess I'm lucky in that way.

But then there are Facebook groups. ARGH. It can sometimes be a minefield to navigate the mini dramas that enfold. I am super grateful that I got my training in the old StumbleUpon groups on trolls and group moderation. Generally, it's a good idea to ignore the trolls. Let them have their say until they tire themselves out. And then you can update with the facts and leave them to carry on or lock the threads.

So I had a situation arise yesterday in one of my FB groups that made me super super angry. I remained calm when I was online and answered the necessary questions without responding to any personal attacks (aka "argumentam ad hominem", a much loved phrase). But damn was I angry offline. I was more angry that this was going on and on. Eventually I had to remove the thread from the public group because it was getting out of hand and I dealt with the issues in private message.

And then I went home and had a life.

I had actually almost forgot about it and was about to blog about it in anger last night when I got two apologies. Huh? I really didn't expect that. I generally avoid all conflict as I believe it never ends well. Granted, this was not really a personal issue so it was easier for me to stick to the facts and not feel too personally attacked. I guess I was just irritated that it was so public and embarrassing.

There're some lessons in here about keeping my tongue when I'm angry but also about learning when to speak up when I know something is wrong. There was a lot of stuff that I wanted to say, but it wasn't really appropriate or relevant to the particular discussion. So I'm glad I didn't say things that I would regret now.

In the end, it feels pretty fricking awesome to be validated and I think I did the right thing in this situation. I'm definitely not perfect though and I do make errors in judegment but I am always willing to learn from them. There're a few people that I trust that I will seek advise from tonight.... so we'll see what happens out of that.

Overall... twas a good day.
My tongue is still sore though.

xx

I wuz robbed

Oh the many stories that are in those three words.But, the most recent story is an actual robbery that happened last week Sunday. My ID book, bank cards, cellphone and some cash got stolen out of my car. To be honest, it was a pretty easy robbery as my friend had left my car door open and I had left everything there.. waiting for karma.

And I was angry.... and sad. So very sad for all the old messages that I had lost. Lost hopes and dreams that were contained in text messages and whatsapps ... hoping for a different outcome. It took me a few days to feel the freedom of letting that all go. Ex-loves and ex-friends and conversations that no longer exist... are all gone. The new phone feels empty but a little liberating too.

Being without cash was also an interesting experience for four days. I've been unemployed before... but I had a credit limit back then. I had no access to my own money for about four days... and I was stressed and felt really useless. I love spoiling my friends and family and I love being able to take care of myself. So it wasnt a great experience to feel stuck at home again with no other option.

Overall, it was good to feel that sense of loss and realise I would still be ok, without all my normal "stuff" with me. I managed to do without for the most part and have got back everything I needed... and sometimes a little more (I just LOVE my new cellphone!).

My dear hippy friends tell me that the energies are busy changing as we're moving out of a serpent cycle. So the hippy snake can have my old phone and my old connections. I'm ready to shed the old snake skin and come out all shiny and clean and free from the past.

Looking back at the past week, I actually did have a good break (mentally and emotionally) from an old part of my past and connected more deeply with some friends that are part of my future.

All in all... a good experience.
Who knew?!
:)

~ anib

Dear 32

It's one month to go before my 33rd birthday.
Before this year gets any worse, I have to say this:
Dear 32... you've been a bit shit.

It actually started off ok. I had a great birthday party last year. It was fun and silly and filled with pink girliness. I had a long table of friends there... but I'm not friends with a lot of those people today. That was mostly my choice but still. I'm not sure I want to have another party this year. I dont really feel close to many people at the moment. I think I've just retreated into my own shell and given up. I hope the feeling passes soon. I've done the ice queen thing... and blue is just not my colour.

ice queen by ~rainbow-art

And then I was in this long distance/complicated "relationship" that was just a huge waste of time and money. I had a couple of cool experiences (yay trance parties!) but I spent an inordinate amount of money on someone that couldn't even say he wanted to be with me. No one else to blame here... I'm just a needy, sad idiot. I may have had enough of throwing myself at people that actually dont really love me. I certainly hope so. 

Work was also so very busy. I was challenged in so many ways and asked to step up my game beyond what I wanted for myself. I am exhausted. And I'm still not sure where I want to go and what I want to be. It's complicated. :/

And then... this horrible month of June. My father has been sick for such a long time... so I'm sort of relieved that he is now in peace. At least I hope he is... I just dont really know how to deal with this death shit. More than that, I have to now take care of my mom. I feel decidedly unprepared and incapable. I despise this whole grown-up crap.

I have had some amazing people in my life and I am grateful for every kindness shown. But I still feel this cold, gnawing loneliness. This deep despair that I've fucked things up beyond repair. That I will never have a sense of peace and happiness. Maybe I need to just give myself a break.

So basically I think I'm just tired. I have no big plans for the month ahead... I just want to keep my head down and avoid life for a bit longer. The only interesting thing this past year was meeting with Rod Suskin. He did warn me that nothing would happen in my 30's. So I guess I just need to hang in there... and wait till the fabulous 40's.

Right now....

Baby

meh.

~ani

It's not perfect

I thought I wasn't ok in my last post.... I had no idea.
My father died last week.
He'd been ill for a long time now.... but last week... it just got worse.
He couldn't walk.. he couldn't breathe. He gave his last breathe on Saturday morning.

I didnt get to say good bye.
I wonder if he knew that I wanted to.
I wonder if I could've said or done anything more.
Something... anything... we just wanted a little bit more.

The funeral was yesterday. I gave the eulogy.
Some people said I was brave. I didnt know that I had a choice.
Today... I decided to not be brave. Today, I was sad.
Today I slept... holding the teddy bear he bought me when I was 13 (yes, way too old for a teddy).

old handsby ~fmamb

I've worn his wedding ring as a chain all week... but today I actually looked at it for the first time.
(Time to face the reality, I guess.)
It's not a perfect circle.
I guess 34 years of marriage takes its toll.
As does 74 years of hard work, I guess.
My father worked too hard... every fucking day in the shop... with not much to show for it.
We have enough. We'll be fine. And my brother and I are smart kids...  we'll be fine.
But I just HATE it that someone who is a good person, who never harmed a single thing, with a warm and gentle spirit... can still get fucked by this world.
Yeah.... I am angry at you, world.
So angry and so sad.
Because it's all just unfair.

*breathe*

I came here to say that just because it's not perfect, doesn't mean it's not good..... and ok.
But I dont feel ok today.
So no happy ending today.
Take that, world.

~anib

the abyss

i like pictures.
i find that i can express myself better with images than with words.
which is why i love my StumbleUpon page and collect the best images here.
so i was stumbled this image by a friend.. and it just felt... familiar.
this is what my life feels like.
a happy little girl enjoying a care-free life...
but with the ever present dark, horrible abyss not very far away...
and i can see it.. and know that it's there... but i have to just keep on swinging...
or something like that.
*emo sigh*

Image

Can't speak

i've had this feeling since i was 9.
don't speak.
do as you're told.
play nice.
what will the neighbours say...

can't speak

since then... i've never been comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings. it's been a long road to finally understand what i feel... but i know i'm not quite "over it".

i always seem to get into situations where i am made to feel that i can't say what i think... cant express what i feel... cant just be me and be accepted for that.
and i realise that most of it is just me holding myself back.

my tormentors are no longer in my life, but they still have an effect on me.
for some reason, every man i've been with has decided that i need to be shut up in one way or another.. sometimes with force.
i cannot explain the fear that i still feel... but i know that it is still very difficult for me to trust again.
and i hate that. i hate them... and i hate myself for allowing this to continue.

i need a place to express this anger.
being online used to be a free place for me, where i could just express what i felt with no real consequences.
with real life friends and acqaintances in places like twitter and facebook, i am finding it limiting.
if i were to rant and rave... and swear like i want to... i'm pretty sure my dear friends would call the white coats on me.
but that is a side of me that i desperately need to express.

i AM angry... about a lot of things. and i know that behind the anger is a lot of sadness. but i can't get to it if i'm not allowed to express the anger.
and, right now.. i dont have a place where i can do that.
so... once again.. i feel like i'm suffocating, unable to breathe, to speak freely, to scream... to cry.

so i'm having a quiet scream to myself here.

everybody scream

just thought i'd let you know.
x