Issues much?

So it's been a bit of a weird week. I've been busy and bored and very tired and a little happy.
Weird hey?

My last session with the doc brought up a whole lot of stuff that I really dont want to go into. Suffice to say that I have issues (ha!). And sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you talk about the same issue, it still remains an issue. But basically, deep deep deep down, I still assume that I'm this really horrible person that doesn't deserve a whole lot of good stuff. So I will either self sabotage a good thing or run after bad things. It's a skill I really dont want anymore.

The details of the last week are blurry.. I did a few fun things. I tried some things out of my comfort zone and then retreated into my cave for a while. I took my mom out for supper which was a nice thing to do. And I reconnected with an old online friend. Things are fine.

But, more than anything, I'm still pissed off at a small thing that's been happening. The stupid guy has been sending me these very passive aggressive and condescending emails and whatsapp messages. Stupid troll. I can see right through it but it still makes me really mad.  Like REALLY mad. One of the things I've learned from doc is that I do not know how to deal with anger. I take it all inside and beat myself up endlessly for things that other people do. I know... I know. It doesn't make sense but I feel like a dumbass. *shakes head at self*

I guess this is part of the reason why I'm so exhausted all the time. My mind runs a million miles a minute... it never rests. I worry about everyone and everything.... except me.

*breathes*

And on we go...

~anib

The Ugly Duckling

I'm not quite sure how I stumbled onto this video but wow.. I remember it well. Good memories. :)

I have a soft spot in my heart for the little ugly duckling. Of course, I've always felt like one... not just in the "ugly" part (really, spare me the platitudes) but also the "not fitting in anywhere" part.

As a kid, I would wonder about my dear family and imagine great scenes of being switched at birth. Even now, watching them enjoying the WWE wrestling marathon on TV makes me question my origins. But we learn to live with our families and their quirks... eventually. At least you can choose your friends.... ha!

But still, even with friends, I dont quite fit into any group. Throughout my life, I've always done things just a little bit differently to everyone else. So, when I did the goth thing, I painted my nails blue instead of black. At university, I was the only BCom(Acc) student that did "The Sociology of Human Reproduction" for extra credit. I can head bang to death metal and, afterwards, very happily groove to a Michael Jackson tune.

I know... I'm a little weird like that. I dont regret any of these things and I'm glad that I'm now brave enough to express myself in any way that I choose. There are people around me that have enough heart to just let me be me. But still...

It would be nice to feel like you belong somewhere. It would be nice to know that someone needs you. It would be pretty freaking awesome if someone wanted you, without needing anything from you.

*breathes*

It would be nice... to be a duck. 

from Wikipedia