Keeping secrets

Coincidences are funny things. Or maybe they're pretty serious things that you should pay attention to. Either way, at least they're good blog fodder. ;)

So, today, I was able to see my doc and we discussed many thing. But he left me with an unanswerable question that has stayed with me: why do you keep the secret?

Coincidently, Ms Dorothy Black posted this blog today about secrets saying, "secrets are created in a context of shame." And, by not speaking of that shame, I guess you stay stuck in it.

No shit. :)

I keep lots of secrets from different people for various reasons. Usually it's because I assume people would judge or dislike me for who I am. Being loved and accepted is something I struggle with a lot. I guess it comes down to the feeling that I'm not good enough. 

So... I dont lie... but I dont tell the complete truth. I know this creates barriers between me and others and no one really stands a chance to get "in". 
I know this.
But still.
Aint that sad? 
Yeah. It is. 

true story

oh, hello shadow

My biggest secret is the one that keeps me in fear. The biggest fear is fear of rejection. And feeling like I would be blamed... be punished... be alone.

So I guess I've decided that I will live with the lies and the burden of truth. I'll wait for the scars to heal. I'll figure a way to never be vulnerable again. 

Or maybe I will speak.
Maybe.
Soon.

~anib

A look back at Masks

It looks like Halloween is done and dusted.

The costumes and masks have been put away.. and people can be themselves again.

However, I just see people in different costumes and masks.

It still amazes me how much effort people spend on "looking good" for other people.

How often do we say that things are just fine... when they're not.

How many times do we pretend, do we lie, do we hide our true feelings?

Are you happy doing that?

Well, I stumbled onto this post on StumbleUpon that I wrote in 2007 (although the actual event took place in 1999) that still rings true. Extract from here:

"many moons ago, i attended a dress up party as snow white.
how funny, people said, cause you're just like snow white... all sweet and innocent.

and.. well... by now you should know how much i hate being typecast as anything...
....
so... i decided to try out whiskey.
drank too much and made out with some strange guy.

but no one noticed.
and no one really cared what i did....
except me.



and so i learned...
don't let other people determine who or what you are....
just be you."

And i'm still learning.

When will I ever learn?!

xx