Past things

Oh hello past things. Hello from the other side.... 

It's another Adele evening. Because there's only so many times that I can say goodbye to you. But every damn time... it hurts. And it's enough. Enough.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Lovely Adele reminds us that sometimes we can have a Spice Girls power day and sometimes we're just silly, happy drunks and sometimes we're a monster. But through it all... we're just ourselves, doing the best we can and just driving along through our lives.

Meh. I dont have any more words.
I'm regressing to 2006 ani where I just spoke in images.
And lots of Meh.
Grr. Urgh. Sigh.

Ok. I'm done.
x

update on 2014

So. It's been a while.

I usually only feel like writing when I'm horribly miserable and I dont really want to explore all of those emotions publicly. I'm a little less miserable at the moment as I've been sick with some type of flu and a really bad cough for a few weeks now. But perhaps a random (and vague) catch-up of my mental state is important (at least for me).

Well nothing has changed in my personal life. In the romance field... nothing is growing. Not even a sniff of a possibility. I've sort of tried to accept that I'm actually not ready for a relationship anyway and subjecting someone to the mess that is me, at this point in my life, would be a little dangerous. But still. You know.

In the field of friendships.... I am not really trying. In fact, I seem to be pushing people away. I've written off quite a few friends over small transgressions (and some with good reason, I think). It's got more to do with me, of course, but I haven't let anyone into my circle of trust in a long time. And I really dont want to let back anyone from my past. If I've made mistakes, tough. But I do still wonder what if, maybe, but...? And that doesn't help.

I'm still a bit social in small doses... but nothing of any substance, I think. People appear to like me but, I um... am not convinced. The doc and my only close(ish) friend has reminded me on numerous occasions that the only person who doesn't like me is me. Touche.

The doc says I'm depressed and have been for a while. And here I thought, this was the happiest I've been in a while. I am actually really happy at work. And I still have a great time at trance parties (although I have cut down on this "addiction" this year). I guess I still have a shit load of unresolved issues that come up from time to time... which I'm working through... kinda. You know.

The hardest part of life at the moment is being on my own... with myself... by myself.

A friend's mother passed away recently and another friend's mother is dying from cancer. I feel like a terrible friend because I really just cant deal with things like this. I'm having dreams about my father and grandmother... and I wake up and feel like I'm mourning their loss all over again. I still dont get on with my mother which is apparently why I'm unable to make female friends. So.... there's also that. I honestly dont see any resolution in this... ever. That's pretty depressing.

Otherwise, I'm just looking forward to getting away from Cape Town over the silly season. I need a proper break away from everything. I'm always so tired over November and December and I really need to take care of myself. I'm trying. In small doses.

Hopefully next year, I will have enough money to go away on my own. For now, I just need to get better.

Toodles.

~anib

Forget about it

There are days... sometimes weeks... sometimes years... that can feel like you're dragging yourself through mud. When every minute of every day feels like a struggle. When, a little too often, you have to make the conscious choice to keep going, to not give up.
Those days feel cold, dark... and so very lonely.

I somehow managed to get out of such a slump recently. There were lots of internal reasons for it.. but mainly I was raging against this idea that looking to love to "save yourself from yourself" is not the answer.
I was angry. Sad. But mainly pissed off that lots of other people seem perfectly happy fixing their broken selves with love.... but I had to stay away from love and go do the shitty work of fixing myself first.
Not that I actually had a choice here.. but still. I raged. And emo'd.
Hard.

But I got over it. And, funnily enough (oh thank god I got my sense of humour back.. I missed that the most), I stumbled onto this clip from the Emmy's last night. Here's some Woody Wisdom for you:



And even though I dont really blog here a lot... I do share lots of things in different places. I've recently re-discovered a place called Categorian. And it's always interesting looking back...
Even though I know this wont help when I'm in "the black hole" again, I'm putting these up.
Because future emo ani,... you will get through it.
And you will be ok.
Possibly even better.
Promise.

                                                                 

                                             The trick is in what one emphasizes. 

                                                      We either make ourselves miserable, 
                                                           or we makes ourselves happy. 

The amount of work is the same

                       

~ anib

Crash and burn

I suppose I should do an Afrikaburn post. It was nice. I had fun. And then I got pissed off.

It's hard to walk away from Afrikaburn and remember the good stuff when I found out that my good friend had passed away from cancer while I was out frolicking in the desert.

I also almost died as we left the Burn. It's not something that I really want to talk about... but our car almost rolled on that horrible R355 gravel road of hell. And I'm insanely pissed off at my friend... for many things that happened before, during and after the Burn but this was probably the last straw for me. The least you could've done, after everything that I have done for you, was get me there safe and sound. The very least.

I tried to explain why I was upset... but I managed to just end up burning that bridge. Hard. We're no longer friends. (Not because of the accident.... mostly about money... and some hurtful things that were said.)

So after a week of sunny days and hot party nights and naked old men running around the desert and beautiful girls and their little boy issues and trance and hip hop and art (amazing amazing art) and science and tea and croquet (yes really) and rainbows and butterflies and crystals and chakras and hula hoops and purple weddings and sand (so much sand)..... after all of that, I will only remember the two important friends that I lost.

It feels a little ungrateful.... but I cant see much past death and loss at the moment. Even watching the Reflection sculpture from last year's burn get burned this year left me a little sad. And of course last year's burn was the first time I was able to mourn properly for my dad. His death anniversary is this month. Two years.

And I'm still single. I actually really did put myself out there this Afrikaburn. I flirted with a few boys... got accepted but rejected and another guy just wanted sex. And I realised that I really dont just want that. So I'm still single. I give up.

And I got sick this week. Horribly sick with snot and fevers and coughing all night.

I am freaking over this month.

But the greatest hurt is losing  my friend. Death, I can try to understand.. but having a friend abuse my love and trust is something I can never get used to. I'm heart broken.... and tired. And a lot poorer too so I cant do much more than sit with these feelings and feel them. I mean, who DOES that?!

I'm done.

Just stand there and watch me burn.

~anib

Daddy Blues

There are moments when it all just hits you.
You will never see my kids... if I even have kids. will i ever have kids?
I will never know if you even liked me.. god dammit... why didnt you say anything?
I have to take care of your wife now. where the hell is my life?

i get pissed off at myself for wasting time... for not doing more, being more.
i get mad that maybe it's your fault that i need constant validation from men.
how the hell do i stop making the same mistakes? when do i get my chance??
i am sad... and guilty... for taking this trip overseas with mom... with your money. yes, it ours but still.
i hate that your death felt like a relief.... that the pain had stopped... that all our pain had stopped.

except it hasn't.

i wish i had more time.
to say thank you.
and sorry.
and
do you love me?

~anib

Dear 32

It's one month to go before my 33rd birthday.
Before this year gets any worse, I have to say this:
Dear 32... you've been a bit shit.

It actually started off ok. I had a great birthday party last year. It was fun and silly and filled with pink girliness. I had a long table of friends there... but I'm not friends with a lot of those people today. That was mostly my choice but still. I'm not sure I want to have another party this year. I dont really feel close to many people at the moment. I think I've just retreated into my own shell and given up. I hope the feeling passes soon. I've done the ice queen thing... and blue is just not my colour.

ice queen by ~rainbow-art

And then I was in this long distance/complicated "relationship" that was just a huge waste of time and money. I had a couple of cool experiences (yay trance parties!) but I spent an inordinate amount of money on someone that couldn't even say he wanted to be with me. No one else to blame here... I'm just a needy, sad idiot. I may have had enough of throwing myself at people that actually dont really love me. I certainly hope so. 

Work was also so very busy. I was challenged in so many ways and asked to step up my game beyond what I wanted for myself. I am exhausted. And I'm still not sure where I want to go and what I want to be. It's complicated. :/

And then... this horrible month of June. My father has been sick for such a long time... so I'm sort of relieved that he is now in peace. At least I hope he is... I just dont really know how to deal with this death shit. More than that, I have to now take care of my mom. I feel decidedly unprepared and incapable. I despise this whole grown-up crap.

I have had some amazing people in my life and I am grateful for every kindness shown. But I still feel this cold, gnawing loneliness. This deep despair that I've fucked things up beyond repair. That I will never have a sense of peace and happiness. Maybe I need to just give myself a break.

So basically I think I'm just tired. I have no big plans for the month ahead... I just want to keep my head down and avoid life for a bit longer. The only interesting thing this past year was meeting with Rod Suskin. He did warn me that nothing would happen in my 30's. So I guess I just need to hang in there... and wait till the fabulous 40's.

Right now....

Baby

meh.

~ani

The truth

If you want to find the truth... you have to admit to all your lies.

I lie. A lot.

I lie to myself, more than anything. And on days like today... I feel like I just cant trust what I think or feel. On days like this.. I rely on other people to tell me I'm ok. Which can be so very dangerous... because people are human... and say things without thinking... and.... well, yeah... you shouldn't need to rely on someone else to feel like you're ok.

The truth is: I dont feel ok.

I feel like I'm hanging onto a very very thin thread... and I'm not quite sure for how much longer I can "hang on".

The list of things on my shoulders is probably not that unmanageable.. but the combination of everything feels....overwhelming.

So, without spilling too much of the grisly details... I just have to be honest and say... No.. I am not okay.


Aside: Thank you Jenny Lawson for making it ok to not be ok. Much love for this video. xx


Ciao for now.
~ ani

Tell the truth

It's a Facebook thing.. but I don't want to depress my Facebook friends.
Actually, I just dont want them to worry.
This is just a mood.. and it shall pass... but at least it's honest.
Anyway... so this is me today, 7.22am with ONE cup of coffee.
I could try it a bit later and be a bit happier.. but.. meh.

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
coffee and marie biscuits with butter.
breakfast of the poor and unemployable.

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
the facebook one was taken at mersey bar in cape town with al_ice.
the one here was a self portrait, taken in polokwane.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
no.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today.
no one yet. although i do chuckle at my own emo-ness sometimes.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
10ish... um.. i guess i was tired.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
a tropical island would be nice.
right now, anywhere but here.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
no.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
all my friends live in my computer. :/

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
i dont know yet.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
no feelings.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
tuesday. i had a soft cry last night, though.

12. Who took your profile picture?
I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
christel.
will see if i can recover the picture, but it was taken at the now infamous games evening last week.
i have no further comment on that evening.
lots of unresolved feelings.. but no further comment.

14. Was yesterday better than today?
too early to tell.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
yes. as long as there's internet...

16. Are you upset about anything?
constantly, it seems.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
i dont know yet.

18. Are you a bad influence? Why?
um.. no. maybe. shrug. i have no idea what influence i might have.

19. Night out or night in?
"out".. if i can. but i usually can't.. so "in" for now.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
laptop with internet access. and coffee. and cheese. and my car.
money would be nice... but i have a credit card for now.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
i spent a few minutes with myself last year... it was like visiting a stranger. :/

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
i don't even know where my cellphone is... probably a credit card payment confirmation.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
confuzzled.
tired.

24. Do you hate anyone?
only some aspects of me.

25. If we were to look in your face book inbox, what would we find?
messages from groups. nothing sauce, i'm afraid.

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
i dont remember that kind of stuff.

27. What song is stuck in your head?
my head is empty right now.

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
my secret admirer.

29.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
i just want to have kids... the rest is up to them.

30. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
nothing. but i should probably go clear my credit card soon.

31. Do you think too much or too little?
much.

32. Do you smile a lot?
shrug.