update on 2014

So. It's been a while.

I usually only feel like writing when I'm horribly miserable and I dont really want to explore all of those emotions publicly. I'm a little less miserable at the moment as I've been sick with some type of flu and a really bad cough for a few weeks now. But perhaps a random (and vague) catch-up of my mental state is important (at least for me).

Well nothing has changed in my personal life. In the romance field... nothing is growing. Not even a sniff of a possibility. I've sort of tried to accept that I'm actually not ready for a relationship anyway and subjecting someone to the mess that is me, at this point in my life, would be a little dangerous. But still. You know.

In the field of friendships.... I am not really trying. In fact, I seem to be pushing people away. I've written off quite a few friends over small transgressions (and some with good reason, I think). It's got more to do with me, of course, but I haven't let anyone into my circle of trust in a long time. And I really dont want to let back anyone from my past. If I've made mistakes, tough. But I do still wonder what if, maybe, but...? And that doesn't help.

I'm still a bit social in small doses... but nothing of any substance, I think. People appear to like me but, I um... am not convinced. The doc and my only close(ish) friend has reminded me on numerous occasions that the only person who doesn't like me is me. Touche.

The doc says I'm depressed and have been for a while. And here I thought, this was the happiest I've been in a while. I am actually really happy at work. And I still have a great time at trance parties (although I have cut down on this "addiction" this year). I guess I still have a shit load of unresolved issues that come up from time to time... which I'm working through... kinda. You know.

The hardest part of life at the moment is being on my own... with myself... by myself.

A friend's mother passed away recently and another friend's mother is dying from cancer. I feel like a terrible friend because I really just cant deal with things like this. I'm having dreams about my father and grandmother... and I wake up and feel like I'm mourning their loss all over again. I still dont get on with my mother which is apparently why I'm unable to make female friends. So.... there's also that. I honestly dont see any resolution in this... ever. That's pretty depressing.

Otherwise, I'm just looking forward to getting away from Cape Town over the silly season. I need a proper break away from everything. I'm always so tired over November and December and I really need to take care of myself. I'm trying. In small doses.

Hopefully next year, I will have enough money to go away on my own. For now, I just need to get better.

Toodles.

~anib

New things in 2014

So 2014 has been an experience so far. I had another great new year's eve party at Boomerang spent mostly with my good friend Dawie and a few new friends and other lovely people I've got to know in 2013. But by the end of the 1st January, I was already relearning a very important lesson from 2013: boundaries are a good idea.

The details are not important but I got very tired of some people taking advantage of generosity and kindness. Everyone has to set their own limits but I know that I am done with leechy type friends. Friendship has to be about give and then take. And if that means I lose a few friendly faces along the way, I'm ok with that now. It just makes me angry when my friends are taken advantage of.

Another new revelation this year was a nice boy showing some interest in me (not directly to me though). I was pretty surprised by the news and nothing has happened yet... but it's an interesting phenomena that I'm not quite sure how to deal with.

The funny thing is, another young man seemed to be attempting to test the waters with me yesterday and I was... well... scared. I actually literally ran away. Poor boy. :)

It's a pretty weird thing being attracted to someone and hoping they like you back. How do you decide that you like someone back? Isn't love supposed to be a big bang kinda thing?? I have been noticing the male species more often these days after letting go of the men I cant have. I've also been trying to switch my brain into "relationship mode" because I dont want something quick and dirty. I want the whole shebang. But how do you know when you have it?

I'm not even sure what "relationship ani" would look like. All I know is, everything that I used to do was just wrong. I've changed a lot and so my relationship skills need to change too. But I have no idea how I am supposed to act in a relationship. Should I wait until I do know? Are there any tester boyfriends I could practice on? Poor boys... ;)

And people always say that it's good to be friends before you become lovers but how do you even go from friendly guy friend to passionate lovers? It's a weird situation but I'm not going to push it. I'll wait and see what happens. Or is that too safe? I'm not sure.

Argh.
2014 is going to be interesting. :)

~anib