Two years an Orphan

 Time, hey. It's quite a thing. 

It's been two years since my mom passed away... and it's also Mother's Day. I'll be driving back from Afrikaburn (hopefully), so this is pre-prepared. 

This was the eulogy prepared by my brother which was really just so beautiful and perfect. 

It's all a lot. Love anyway. <3

~~~~

We are very fortunate.

I say this because we live in an age where we can take photos at anytime..

When I looked at the photos of Mae on my phone, the photo frames at Anita’s house, the photos in our program and in the video in the church today - I, for one, am grateful that we have so many memories captured in time.

Looking at these beautiful photos and amazing life, I wondered where do I even start?

Perhaps we start in the beginning

She was a daughter. 

A caring daughter who helped her mom as they went from one end of the world to the other. Always by her side, helping her and the family.

She was a sister. 

The oldest sister of 11 children.

She was so caring and important as a big sister, that they viewed her as a “2nd mom”. Even calling her ” sister” rather than her name as a sign of respect.

Then, while belonging to this core family, she started a family of her own.

She was a loyal wife who went through thick and thin. Sticking to my dad;s side through sickness and health. 

Then she was a mother, the best mother one could have.

Nothing was too much for Mae. Ensuring we had the best with the little we had.

Then, would you believe it, she became an ouma. 

Just like with her brothers and sisters, her children and her new daughter in law - she loved every bit of her 2 grand children. 

On top of all this:

She was a friend. 

Many times total strangers would come up to us and then they would turn out to be friend’s with Mae. Just like her family, these friends were shown respect and love.

She was an absolute sports fan. 

Any sport, any time, she would watch it and have something to say. Everything I know about tennis, cricket and football actually came from watching games with her.

Then, most importantly, she was a true disciple of God.

Not only committed to going to church every Sunday but spreading the word of God as she lived her life.

When going to church became difficult, she continued spreading the Word and Love wherever she was. 

She had the knack to take the words of God and translate it in a way that would help the person she was talking to.

But back to the photos.

I could talk for days about her character and the impact she had in our lives.

In the photos, what I see, and what I would like you to see, is the Love she had for all of us.

She was Love.

But its not just about the words “I love you”, its about her actions:

Making sure you are okay.

Making sure you were safe.

Making sure you were fed.

Nothing was ever a problem for her.

It was even how she greeted you:

“Hello Sweetie”

“Hallo Querida”

And like she Loved us, God Loved her.

She was very peaceful in her last days, surrounded by God’s Love. That in turn, surround me with peace and being grateful for the time we had.

I heard someone said “she was one of a kind”

And yes, she was.

Thank you Mae for everything.

We love you.

Fala ‘tra vez.

On Being Medicated

 Depression? Kinda depressing, hey?  😂

Anyhoo.... I've probably lived with depression my whole life in some form or another. I still haven't figured out if it's situational or just genetics. I have a feeling that my dad had depression or was perhaps on the autism spectrum. And I had a little sad when I heard one of my nieces "is sometimes sad for no reason." My heart. :(

I became obsessed with psychology at a pretty young age, trying my best to understand myself and others better. I have experienced some pretty shitty situations from a very young age... it's hard to recover from that kind of repetitive pain. Either way, it doesn't really matter. I've been trying so hard for years to understand why I feel so different. At this stage, I think this is just the way it is.

My last straw was the sudden and unexpected death of my mother last year. I just wanted to give up. Life just felt really hard and dark and impossible. I was physically not well... I felt dizzy and not in touch with reality (dissacociation and derealisation). I have been in and out of talk therapy for various periods of time since I was at UCT (probably around 2000). It has helped me in so many ways but, at that stage, I was just tired of talking. Also, post-covid, it was hard finding an in-person psychologist. I tried the "zoom" therapy and it just sucked.

I reached out to a psychiatrist (on instagram obvs) and decided to try medication again for depression and occasional anxiety. She also got me medically checked out and prescribed me some other vitamins (B12, D and Iron). It's been about a year now.... and today, I suddenly realised that I was feeling better. I was feeling lighter... more in control.... more alive. 

I still dont feel happy though... but I am content. I'm proud that I reached out and did what I needed to do to stay alive. And I am allowing myself the peace of mind of staying on the medication. This helps me be a better person. It helps me overcome difficult situations and learn how to be brave again.

Take the meds. Speak to someone. 

There is help out there. Even if it's hard. 

It's worth the effort. You're worth the effort.

k. bye.

~anib

2022 in Review

Another year gone... and I'm so very happy that this one is going away soon. 
Found these questions via Nafisa and I think they're pretty cool. So, let's go! 

1. What did you do in 2022 that you’d never done before?
Travelled to Israel! What a trip. I missed my friend so much but I'm so glad I went. 

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I dont think I made any this year. It was a rough start to the year with an anxiety attack but I'm glad I'm now on medication for this.

3. How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
Will hopefully be seeing the London fireworks... in London!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. So many people. :(

5. What countries did you visit?
Israel and flying to UK tomorrow!

6. What would you like to have in 2023 that you lacked in 2022?
Joy. Happiness. Peace. Friends.

7. What date from 2022 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
6 May. Getting the phone call from the hospital at 4am... the whole day was a lot.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I like just survived, hey? Managed to reach out and make some new friends. Kept trying to stay alive. 

9. What was your biggest failure?
Being on tiktok too much.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Just mental illness but I got help for that.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
Very exciting waterproofing! OMG and a dishwasher! #adultingAF

12. Where did most of your money go?
Travel! And medicine!

13. What song will always remind you of 2022?
Harry Styles – As It Was (Thanks TikTok)

14. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Exercise.

15. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Cant think of anything...

16. What was your favourite TV program?
Rewatched the entire This is Us. So good and healing.

17. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Ha. Trying not to.

18. What was the best book you read?
I dont read much. :(

19. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Harry Styles.

20. What was your favourite film of this year?
Encanto!

21. What did you do on your birthday?
Manicures and pedicures with my sister-in-law and nieces.

22. What kept you sane?
My home.

23. Who did you miss?
Friends.

24. Who was the best new person you met?
Family of my best friend in Israel. 

25. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2022.
Life is too short. Ask for help.

Here's to 2023!
~anib
xx 

The Shadow of Death

The year 2022 contiues to take and take.

I need to do a few important RIPs because... this year has been a lot.

Mae

80 years old, 2 children and 2 grandchildren and second mom to her other 10 siblings.

Only got married at 37 which was quite a thing for '78. Met and married my dad in South Africa and lived here all the rest of her life after growing up in Madeira and working for a while in Maputo. 

Deeply religious and lived her life in service to others. Spent her whole life working in a shop in Maitland before retiring. Life hasn't always been kind or easy, but there was always a joke or laugh to be had. 

I hope you have peace and are finally free of all the aches and pains of life. <3 

Johnnie V

The Lightchaser from StumbleUpon days. But Johnnie to everyone. A truly kind and beautiful person. Once he found out what you liked, he would share a pretty image or song or joke to your wall on an almost daily basis. Always so so kind and so sweet. Much loved. So very missed. 

Adin VR aka The NoMoneyGuy

My online friend, the kick to my side-kick. The one with the big ideas and the crazy ideas and the big heart and the bigger smile. The one that always listens, tries to help and isn't afraid to ask for help. He helped me come out of my shell in 2010 and through his friendship, I met so many new and interesting people and leant so many things about myself. I cant even begin to explain the influence that he has on my life. Greatly loved by so many.... if you knew him, you know. 

Tyrone B

I heard about this quite late. What a horrible tragic way to die. Thank you for showing me the trance world. Thank you for pushing my buttons and showing me a side of me that I had forgotten about. I wish you peace.

Buckley

The cat that I adopted from my brother! He only stayed with me for a month before we found out he was sick. What a sweet boy you were. <3

Let's hope 2023 is kinder.

xx

~anib

May 2022

 This year. This month. Is it over yet?

A nice man once wrote a nice poem about being in love in May. I am starting to miss the warm embrace of romantic love... but my heart and soul isn't ready to love again. Like, any kind of love....

This month, it was my dad's 10 year death anniversary on 26 May. And my mom unexpectadly and suddenly passed away from pancreatic cancer on 6 May. She was supposed to come home that day... but she didn't make it. It's been such a lot. The price you pay for love... 

My family came from around the world - Australia, Portugal, UK and Johannesburg. My mom was the eldest of 11 children and a second mom to her brothers and sisters. It was a big loss to our entire family. The family came together once again to celebrate and laugh and cry... to eat. To love. It was good.

But the family have now all moved back home and we are all trying to live a new new new normal... because hey, we're still in a post-pandemic world. What even is normal anymore?

Everything is different. And Very Not Normal.

The price you pay for love.... is love.

This May month of sadness is almost over. 

I really hope the rest of this year will be kinder. 

With love.

~anib

Something about May

Cape Town in May by AJ Venter

There is something about Cape Town in May
When you hardly get a sunny day
But everyone you get, is the reason why you stay.

There is something about Cape Town in Winter
When the day is a small, short toffee center
wrapped in a long night’s splendor.

There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth
and nothing can get to me or cause me any harm.

May. Post Afrikaburn depression.... Mid-Autumn depression.... Death anniversaries... the start of the mid year slump .... and no fucking cuddle buddy again this year. Fun.

So, yes. Afrikaburn was lovely this year. I slept a lot, met so many interesting people and actually relaxed and had a sober(ish) fun time with real friends. I'm lucky and grateful for that. I still dont know why I go though.... but I do. And it helps..... something.

It's getting colder and darker in Cape Town. And while it's been lovely having an excuse to stay home and watch crappy movies, I do miss people and sun and parties.... sometimes.

And then death. Blah. Dad's death anniversary is tomorrow. 2012 feels like a lifetime ago at times. And, at other times, well... all the feels. At least I'm better than I was back then. Four years of radical self improvement, including four burns and countless trance parties and clown training and many many hours of therapy. God, I cant wait until therapy tomorrow.

But I'm better. At least I can acknowledge today that I am angry and sad and jealous.

And then there's boys and the distinct lack of action. I got kissed at Afrikaburn (not romantically though) but the idea was there and it was fun. And now I'm in the mood for it.... but not for relationships. I think. Maybe. I dont know.

Still, being around other relationships is making me feel grumpy and unhappy and inadequate. And that sucks. Fun.

Ok. I've got nothing more to add to this. I will talk about it in therapy tomorrow.

~anib

Remembering stuff

I'm really not a fan of remembering death anniversaries... but this one has been lingering on my mind for a while... so I guess I just need to address it.

On Tuesday, 26 May 2015, it will be three years since my dad passed away.

Three.
Years.

I'm not sure how I feel about it. But I guess I'm sad.
Sad that it doesn't really matter... and sad that it really really does.

That's all for now.

For Yvette

I dont even know how to deal with this.
Last week, on my way home from Afrikaburn, I found out via Facebook that my friend, Yvette, had passed away while I was at Tankwa Town.
I was in shock.
The last I'd heard was that she was back in hospital after some complications from the chemo treatment she was on. This had happened a few times before and she was always fine. She was a tough cookie... she would always just make it, regardless of what the doctors said.
I cannot understand why...

Yvette was (is, is, IS!) an amazing woman. She is the ultimate geek supergirl and proud of it. She's a code-busting, hello kitty loving, cupcake baking, dragon living, passionate, intelligent, opinionated, stubborn, purple-haired, knitting, cat owning, sushi eating, movie watching, geeking out superwoman.

A few memories that stand out include the night before she got her braces. She wanted to indulge in one last eat-as much-as-you-can ribs night at spur with me. I think about her every time I get ribs. I dont think we ever had ribs again after her braces came off... but she really did enjoy her new smile.

Another fun day was the day we geeked out at Ratanga Junction. Her need for speed and rollercoaster streak shone through as she made us more nervous types try every ride at the park... twice. She loves what she loves... and she loves it hard. She was never scared to fly her freak flag high.

On that note, I will always be grateful to her for making me watch the original Hercules with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Total geek out. And also for forgiving me for not watching any Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings movies. No matter how much you disagreed with someone, you let them be them. Thank you for that.

And now... you're gone.
Gone but never forgotten.
I still have the little stone you gave us at your last birthday that said "happiness".
I wish you happiness, Ms Mage Pen Dragon. Much love and happiness for you.
Thank you for you.
And fuck cancer hard.

~anib

White paint

So I finally managed to finish painting our garage door. It's taken about a month because of the crappy weather in Cape Town. And procrastination. Maybe.

And memories of dad. Definitely.

There was an unspoken rule at our house: Mom ruled inside the house and Dad could do what he wanted in his garden and in his garage. After he died, the garage got dusty and the garden withered to nothing. In my little way, I'm trying to keep him alive by bringing his garden back to life and making the garage usable again. 

It's been an emotional rollercoaster.... but it's good.

Anyway, back to the garage escapade. I had no idea what I was doing but after a bit of googling, I just kinda got to it. I worked really hard on scraping off the old paint and washing it with sugar soap. When I was at the paint shop, I tried to not look like a lost lamb and didnt ask for help. So I picked up something that had a red door on it... expecting it to be red paint. Well, when I opened the paint, it was actually white. Urgh. 

I was getting upset with myself at how stupid I was but.... then I figured I must really be channelling my dad because he would've done the same thing. He didnt really plan things out carefully. He just kinda got an idea in his head and made the best of the situation. 

So, while I carried on painting the previously very red door a very glossy white... I smiled. To me, it felt like I was wiping a slate clean... making a new beginning.... bringing in light to a dark place. I could go on.. but the point is it turned out ok. Even with all the mistakes along the way, it turned out ok.

*blink*

It felt weird painting over his work. I was thinking about him doing exactly what I was doing at the time. 

In a strange way, I felt close to him. Maybe I really  was channelling him in some way... 

I guess it feels strange because I'd never felt those things before. 

Maybe.... maybe... I could still get to know him.

All I know is... I have a white wall.

And it will turn out ok.

~ anib

For Dad

I thought I had nothing to add to last year's post... but this song is for you, dad. 

And for me.

Happy birthday.

x0x

Good morning

I dread mornings.
I hate the heavy weight of duty and obligation.
I want to run away... every single day.
I need to stay away from dangerous places.. so I'm not tempted.

I'm not happy.

Every single day I feel "not good enough".
I feel alone.
And desperate.
Ugly.
And mean.

So I guess I've succumbed to depression..
again...
and I absolutely hate it.

I guess I've had a good run this anus horribilis so I shouldn't be too surprised.
I've been down this road before and I got out of it.... relatively ok.
But... I cant help but wonder if this is just the way some people have to live.
Not everyone gets their fairytale ending.
Not everyone gets their happy.
Sometimes... you just have to get on with it...do the best you can with what you've got... be grateful ... and some other stupid platitudes.


And as I'm writing this... a little teeny tiny faint child-like voice says:
bullshit.


So I try again.


Fuck it.
xx

Happy birthday dad

this is the edited eulogy i did for my father on 31 May 2012. 

Thank you to everyone for being here today. I know that there are many friends and family that wanted to attend and our family appreciates the sentiment.  I also want to thank everyone for their very kind messages on Facebook, Twitter, via texts and calls and emails and various offers of help and support. If I took up every offer of a glass of wine, I’d be in a lot of trouble.... but thank you. J 

.........

And now... I want to tell you about my Dad.

Everyone I’ve spoken to has said what a kind and gentle person he was. And quiet... very quiet. Which is why I felt like I needed to tell you who he was to me.

My father was a brother. He grew up as a farmer in Lugar de Baixo, Ponta do Sol in Madeira. My father is survived by his twin sister, Mariazinha who unfortunately could not be here today but sends her condolences. Please keep them in your prayers.

He left his family and his farm to come to South Africa in 1962 where he worked in the Free State and eventually moved to Cape Town, where he met my mother.  My father provided for his family by working single every day and night in his shop. To many people, he was simply known as Mr Rons. We had a Rons Cafe in Woodstock and then moved to Table View and Muizenberg and then finally settled in Maitland for almost 20 years. 

My father was a good dad. There are many things he did that, I guess, we all just take for granted. I loved working in the shop with him. We would write the prices on all the tin food together. He would take me shopping with him to Makro and I would help him pick all the stuff for the shop. He once bought me a big fluffy teddy bear that my mom said I was too old for at the time... I still sometimes sleep with it.

My father did some interesting stuff. He makes the coolest gadgets and things around the house. He designed this rather complicated watering system for his fruitful garden. My dad loved to garden. He would spend hours in his vegetable patch and tending his flowers. He used to play the accordian.... which I thought was just so cool. And probably inspired me to play the piano. He would always carry a pen in his shirt pocket. He was good at Bisca and Domino and Casino... and he taught me all these games. He was a bit of an experimental cook. I will miss his concoctions. J

It is often said that when you leave this world, make sure you leave a legacy. My father’s legacy will be in his children. I see my father’s kind and gentle nature in my brother, Nicolau. The way he quietly goes about his work and life makes me smile as it reminds me of dad.  I, of course, have my father’s face... so I will embrace these chubby cheeks... and I think I inherited some of his cheeky humour too.

A special word for my mother. Mae... Obrigado para tudo que a mae fez para o pai. Ele esta em paz agora.

Dear Pai... as we approach Father’s Day, I would’ve loved to give you another Old Spice aftershave  or soap on a rope like we used to. This year, I will just say thank you for all that you have done for us.

We love you and miss you.

Rest in Peace.

This is it

This is the part where I tell you about my lovely trip overseas and how wonderful and refreshed I feel.
This is the part where I tell you I followed my heart and it didnt get broken again.
This is the part where I tell you being back home feels great and I cant wait to get back into my old life.
This is the part where I tell you I missed my friends a lot and they missed me.

But it isn't.

The trip was ok... there were beautiful moments, moments of tears and laughter... but it was long and challenging too.
My heart didn't get broken but it did get a little hurt. I wanted more.
And home feels like a foreign place. Cape Town is cold and unfriendly.
My friends feel.... distant. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe it's too soon. It's probably me.

And then life.. and Death... relentlessly takes its toll.
Another death this week. Not enough life...
I am sad today.
It is too much.

Dear 32

It's one month to go before my 33rd birthday.
Before this year gets any worse, I have to say this:
Dear 32... you've been a bit shit.

It actually started off ok. I had a great birthday party last year. It was fun and silly and filled with pink girliness. I had a long table of friends there... but I'm not friends with a lot of those people today. That was mostly my choice but still. I'm not sure I want to have another party this year. I dont really feel close to many people at the moment. I think I've just retreated into my own shell and given up. I hope the feeling passes soon. I've done the ice queen thing... and blue is just not my colour.

ice queen by ~rainbow-art

And then I was in this long distance/complicated "relationship" that was just a huge waste of time and money. I had a couple of cool experiences (yay trance parties!) but I spent an inordinate amount of money on someone that couldn't even say he wanted to be with me. No one else to blame here... I'm just a needy, sad idiot. I may have had enough of throwing myself at people that actually dont really love me. I certainly hope so. 

Work was also so very busy. I was challenged in so many ways and asked to step up my game beyond what I wanted for myself. I am exhausted. And I'm still not sure where I want to go and what I want to be. It's complicated. :/

And then... this horrible month of June. My father has been sick for such a long time... so I'm sort of relieved that he is now in peace. At least I hope he is... I just dont really know how to deal with this death shit. More than that, I have to now take care of my mom. I feel decidedly unprepared and incapable. I despise this whole grown-up crap.

I have had some amazing people in my life and I am grateful for every kindness shown. But I still feel this cold, gnawing loneliness. This deep despair that I've fucked things up beyond repair. That I will never have a sense of peace and happiness. Maybe I need to just give myself a break.

So basically I think I'm just tired. I have no big plans for the month ahead... I just want to keep my head down and avoid life for a bit longer. The only interesting thing this past year was meeting with Rod Suskin. He did warn me that nothing would happen in my 30's. So I guess I just need to hang in there... and wait till the fabulous 40's.

Right now....

Baby

meh.

~ani

Heart pictures

Dear Little Rose

I haven't written to you in a long time... you're not forgotten, my dear. Not for one bit.
It seems like your memory pops up rather intensely at funerals. I guess I'm not good at dealing with death. I hope I never am.

But this week.. your image came up in another rather unexpected place. And since you're the only person that's actually been inside me... I guess you'd be the only one to understand all of this.

You see.. my guts are a little messed up at the moment. I know, right? I got the message... but I just need um.... a bit more direction, I think. Could you ask the folks up there to make it a little bit easier for me? Ta, hun.

Anyhoo.. there I am in a hospital ward, in a rather fetching navy blue sack, having my body being prodded and pricked. Not in a good way, darling. I had x rays done but they couldn't find anything wrong. So I was sent off to a sonar.

A sonar, darling. A fricking sonar.

So, I somehow believe they mean a different kind of sonar. But no... it's the SAME one they used to see if you were around. And all around they had pics of growing babies... and I just lost it. After all this time... I still lost it.

And here's something no one else knows... I kinda sorta hoped... against all possible odds but.... still.
I kinda hoped they would find a heart beat.

And, just like before.. they hadn't.

Instead, they found a stone.
A bloody stone FFS.

Anyway.
I have to dash.
I love you and miss you.
Take care.
xx

It's not perfect

I thought I wasn't ok in my last post.... I had no idea.
My father died last week.
He'd been ill for a long time now.... but last week... it just got worse.
He couldn't walk.. he couldn't breathe. He gave his last breathe on Saturday morning.

I didnt get to say good bye.
I wonder if he knew that I wanted to.
I wonder if I could've said or done anything more.
Something... anything... we just wanted a little bit more.

The funeral was yesterday. I gave the eulogy.
Some people said I was brave. I didnt know that I had a choice.
Today... I decided to not be brave. Today, I was sad.
Today I slept... holding the teddy bear he bought me when I was 13 (yes, way too old for a teddy).

old handsby ~fmamb

I've worn his wedding ring as a chain all week... but today I actually looked at it for the first time.
(Time to face the reality, I guess.)
It's not a perfect circle.
I guess 34 years of marriage takes its toll.
As does 74 years of hard work, I guess.
My father worked too hard... every fucking day in the shop... with not much to show for it.
We have enough. We'll be fine. And my brother and I are smart kids...  we'll be fine.
But I just HATE it that someone who is a good person, who never harmed a single thing, with a warm and gentle spirit... can still get fucked by this world.
Yeah.... I am angry at you, world.
So angry and so sad.
Because it's all just unfair.

*breathe*

I came here to say that just because it's not perfect, doesn't mean it's not good..... and ok.
But I dont feel ok today.
So no happy ending today.
Take that, world.

~anib