Fight or Flight

A (long?) while ago I wrote a post about how I wanted to fly far away. 

I still want to run away sometimes... but I know that I've become stronger by staying and "fighting" another day. At the moment, I seem to be fighting my inner negative critical voice. She's a toughie.... but with some help from the doc, I'm at least starting to hear her.

The next step is to fight back... I'm working on it.

I'm being taught how to be quiet and spend time alone and just listen. In the quiet times, I often get angry and sad .. feelings that I'm not comfortable with at all. But I am trying to welcome them and let them flow. Because I really cant keep trying to ignore them.

It's time to let it flow. 

  

For a long time, I was a mermaid... submerging myself and all my emotions under a sea of relative safety. Only the very brave would find me in the depths and try to bring me out. There is also the romantic idea that I dont belong in this world... that this world was not meant for me. It was my safety mechanism to believe that I didnt need to be an active participant in this life. It was easier to be a victim.

For the last year, I've become attached to the metaphor of the butterfly.Butterflies are beautiful and free to fight or flight with utter grace. But they have lots of work to do in order to get to that stage. No one admires the caterpillar or sees their struggles before they become butterflies.

At Afrikaburn, I was a butterfly but my real inner struggles came after the party in the desert. My struggles continue. And, while I admire the butterfly and aspire to its freedom... I have a long way to go. 

So I'm not going to wish I could fly away anymore. I'm going to fight it out as a caterpillar on the ground. 

But the butterfly's time is coming. 

See you in the skies. 

:)

 

~anib

Fly far away

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here. 

 ~ From: Forrest Gump

Ever feel like you want to run away, fly away... to just go somewhere that's not where you are?

I've tried running away many times... and it never works.

When I left my husband, I flew away with a friend to the Vaal River.

Recently, I was willing to give up everything and fly away to Mozambique.

My whole life feels like a marathon sometimes.. and I'm out of breathe.

I'm tired... but I keep going...

I know that I can't keep running away from things.
I'm trying to be brave and face it all. 

But I'm also not running towards anything.
I'm just standing.

Granted, this can be an achievement when all you feel like doing is falling... but still. 

We all want something more, don't we?

I spoke in my last post about my lack of goals.
The thing is.. the only thing I've ever wanted is love.

There's something tragic about a Leo that's not in Love. 

Our hearts are as big as the sun... but we really do need to have people to care about.

I know that love is "there for the taking" and that you have to "give in order to receive".

But, right now.. I just dont wanna. 

I dont want to put myself out there. I dont want to look my best. I dont want to do anything.

I just want to fly... so high. 

And if that means I miss out on love... then so be it.

I want to be unbreakable.

 
edit: thanks to my friend alice for this tune which makes sense to me. :)