Fight or Flight

A (long?) while ago I wrote a post about how I wanted to fly far away. 

I still want to run away sometimes... but I know that I've become stronger by staying and "fighting" another day. At the moment, I seem to be fighting my inner negative critical voice. She's a toughie.... but with some help from the doc, I'm at least starting to hear her.

The next step is to fight back... I'm working on it.

I'm being taught how to be quiet and spend time alone and just listen. In the quiet times, I often get angry and sad .. feelings that I'm not comfortable with at all. But I am trying to welcome them and let them flow. Because I really cant keep trying to ignore them.

It's time to let it flow. 

  

For a long time, I was a mermaid... submerging myself and all my emotions under a sea of relative safety. Only the very brave would find me in the depths and try to bring me out. There is also the romantic idea that I dont belong in this world... that this world was not meant for me. It was my safety mechanism to believe that I didnt need to be an active participant in this life. It was easier to be a victim.

For the last year, I've become attached to the metaphor of the butterfly.Butterflies are beautiful and free to fight or flight with utter grace. But they have lots of work to do in order to get to that stage. No one admires the caterpillar or sees their struggles before they become butterflies.

At Afrikaburn, I was a butterfly but my real inner struggles came after the party in the desert. My struggles continue. And, while I admire the butterfly and aspire to its freedom... I have a long way to go. 

So I'm not going to wish I could fly away anymore. I'm going to fight it out as a caterpillar on the ground. 

But the butterfly's time is coming. 

See you in the skies. 

:)

 

~anib