Good news

I need some good news
Sittin' here, sippin' on cold truth
Nobody knows what I'm goin' through
Bet the devil wouldn't walk in my shoes

Wish someone told me
Livin' this life would be lonely
Tryna get away from the old me
Still stuck singin' these blues

All I really need is a little good news

- Shaboozey 2024

2025 has been 2025-ing. We seem to be descending quickly into facism and late stage capitalism is killing our collective will to live. It's hard to wake up every day and be bombarded with genocide, femicide, transphobia and general wtf-ery. The horrors persist, but so do we.

Somehow, in all of this (gestures wildly), I found the strength and energy to go to "the Outside". I went to the AfrikaBurn Decompression party. We haven't had an official Decompression since pre-Covid days.... so this one was special. We also had it at the Castle of Good Hope which was a challenge for many people but it also really important to reclaim that space. And the weirdos won again. I'm so proud!

I decided to dress up in ridiculousness because, why not?! The thing with dress up is that although it's just a costume, it does become a part of you. I was so afraid that I had lost a piece of me that was silly and frivolous and all I had left was an empty hard shell. But the mask melted away quickly and I was able to access a part of me that had been hidden for a while.

I have been feeling a little isolated and alone and have been afraid that this was just the way things were going to be. I was starting to get worried that my fluffy heart had frozen up and would never break out of its cage again. Would I just continue to talk in mixed up metaphors about better times? Well, fear not.... I'm almost back to me(ish). :-P

I was so impressed with the variety of music, the variety of humans and, more importantly, the kindness of strangers. Man, but I really love to dance. We have so much talent in this country. I was so proud. And I had so much fun! Burners just have a whole different vibe. My favourite people are still trancers, but burny trancers are the most FUN!

Anyway, it was a great day to reconnect with new and old friends and I treasured the special moments of human interaction. I know.... I suprised myself! Although (some) people can be mean, it really is a beautiful thing when they decide to be their better selves. Self included! (Note to Self!)

And talking on better people.... Ah Cyndi Roberts. 

It's been so difficult to deal with such a huge loss to the trance, burner and festival community. She wasn't just this or that... she was home to so many people. She created her own space, she made space for others, she gave and gave generously. She was tough but fair. She was beautiful and funny and smart and kind. She fed us and kept us on our toes. She worked so hard. She was loved so very much and we will miss her but never forget.

It was so beautiful to attend her memorial service and various "after tears" events. We laughed and cried and laughed some more. We burned a few things and ate and drank. And now we need to carry on living and loving each other. Because this is what we do. And this is why we do it.

Anyway. It was good to share the space with the bestest weirdos. 

It reminded me why love and friendship is so important. I am so thankful.

In between all of this, there was a birthday that I largely ignored. I wont be doing that again but I did need the little me-time to absorb all these re-learnings. Let's celebrate more things together. This is why we do it.  

Love n stuff. But mostly love.

xx

~anib

Post Therapy thoughts

I had about a three week break from my therapist...  with public holidays and afrikaburn and life getting in the way. So it was nice going back yesterday... but also.... sigh. I'm so tired of my stuff.

I've been with Dr H since November 2012... almost five years. Geez. What an adventure. But he's been truly amazing... and I'm more than a little heartbroken that he'll be leaving the country at the end of August. Like actually a lot heartbroken. Devastated even.

I've had many therapists but he's been truly close to my heart. He challenges me and supports me in so many ways. And he sort of gets some of my ani-isms and calls me out on my bullshit. I'm interviewing a few new doctors this week but I actually really dont want to right now. I dont know.... I'll see how I feel after those appointments.

One of the things we discussed yesterday was my extreme jealousy of love and relationships... and how I take it out on my close friends. I really dont like that person that I become but it feels so overwhelming and impossible to control. I really feel like it will hurt my close friendships but I dont see any way of dealing with it. So I try to deal with it by being as honest as possible without hurting other people too much.

I just really do feel dead inside... I dont think I have the capacity or ability to love again. And that scares me but I dont know how to fix it.

I also spoke about afrikaburn and how lonely I felt. Ironic, because I know that I isolated myself among 13,000 people. There were moments where I enjoyed the quiet alone time but there are also questions about why I run away from any kind of intimacy. As I so eloquently put yesterday, if I see lightning strike in the middle of the desert but no one else is there to experience it with me, is it still a valid experience?

Anyway. My best friend is leaving Cape Town again. My therapist is leaving. And I feel completely and utterly alone in the world. Again.

Bleh.
xx

What is home

Apparently this week's new moon is in Cancer... which is all about home, whether that means physically, spiritually or emotionally. Ah Home. Where art thou?

I've always struggled with finding a place where I feel completely at home - whether that is with friends or family or society in general. I've always felt like I've never fit in anywhere.

I do have a sense of family with my trance community but it's mostly limited to the party events. There are very few that translate to my real world and that's ok with me, I suppose. I've had a few work colleagues that I've felt "at home" with but, at the moment, I dont have that feeling.

I also dont get that family feeling from Afrikaburn friends. I admire many of the people that work and play in that space, but it's not the same kind of feeling for me. However I do feel like the place is a great space for me to explore my space in the world. There is something special that I get from being there that I cant really define or explain. It's challenging for me on many levels.... and I feel like it helps.... something.

So one of the projects from Afrikaburn 2016 was this very simple place where you just wrote and shared your story. My very simplified story is here on This I Confess, It's a rough description of the way I felt when I left my husband and the life that I felt I was "supposed to lead." It's still a work in progress, of course.

Because I also wrote this....

This I Confess - Short Confessions

It's actually from a song lyric from Adele's All I Ask. I still have Adele on repeat and that lyric still makes me quiver. Because.. what if that's it? Sigh.
I just found it really sweet that this was one of the few cards that people decided to respond to. So maybe there's hope. :)

I try not to think about it too much... but having a someone to come "home" to, is something I really miss. I know I'm a better person when I can share and give love... and I feel rather empty without this in my life. It just makes me sad that I cant find someone.... and someone cant find me.

This is why I listen to sad music....

Yep.

I also saw this quote today.... and I'm just going to sit with it....

“I want to know if you've touched the center of your own sorrow, if you've been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.” ― Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Because some days... like today... I feel shriveled up and closed. I just told my friend G that my life feels like I'm watching a movie. I feel happy and sad and joy and everything.... but deep down I know it's not all real.
How fucked up is that shit?

Maybe it's just one of those days.
Bleh.

xx
~anib

Past things

Oh hello past things. Hello from the other side.... 

It's another Adele evening. Because there's only so many times that I can say goodbye to you. But every damn time... it hurts. And it's enough. Enough.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Lovely Adele reminds us that sometimes we can have a Spice Girls power day and sometimes we're just silly, happy drunks and sometimes we're a monster. But through it all... we're just ourselves, doing the best we can and just driving along through our lives.

Meh. I dont have any more words.
I'm regressing to 2006 ani where I just spoke in images.
And lots of Meh.
Grr. Urgh. Sigh.

Ok. I'm done.
x

Stone heart

It's been a hectic week in South Africa. The hashtag generation decided to change the world.
#feesmustfall #nationalshutdown #uctshutdown #etcetcetc
I'm hashtagged out, lost a few facebook friends, emotionally drained and so so proud of my country. I really have much more to say on the topic but I've definately overdosed on this topic and I need a break.

So... cute kittens with Hannah? Yes.

I was chatting to a friend about life and love and stuff, as one does. He met up with an ex and I said "be careful with your heat." He said he'd be fine as he only had a stone cold heart left. Yeah right. Our hearts keep beating, despite all the beatings it gets.

And on that note.... GOOD GOD I LOVE YOU ADELE. New single released today. THIS IS MY LIIIIIIIIIFE :) <3 p="" queen="">

I'm going to London in two weeks. So much squee. So much OCD on planning.
And breathe.

~anib

Blogtober

So I really miss blogging. Not that I ever really blogged with any real consistency here... but I used to in other places (*sob* stumbleupon *sob*).
I've tried to cut down on Facebook and limit my status posts to a max of one a day. Twitter is more of a stream of consciousness thing that I hope no one actually reads. And tumblr... urgh. Look, I've tried but I really just dont like it.

So... let's try Blogtober. I'm not going to blog every day but I hope to blog more - at least about once a week. There's lots of things going on in my head but I dont always write them down because I'm still trying to figure them out. I like to write a blog post with a conclusion in mind. I hear my English teacher in my head when I write that. But maybe you dont always need to have the conclusion at hand.
I also rely on my therapist to talk things through and maybe having another outlet would be a good idea. The public nature of this blog does make me a little nervous but I'll try to be a little braver.
I'll also try to post with little editing as I often get stuck in edit mode (post edit: as I'm doing right now....). It's my little perfectionist streak and I dont want to appear stupid. Like, I'm very much aware how bad it is to start sentences with "and" and "but"... and "like". :)

Anyway.... here goes.

Not much going on today other than I'm busy planning a work trip to London in two weeks. I dont have any confirmation of dates yet, so it's really messing with my slight control freak (SO FREAKING OUT WITH LACK OF CONTROL). ahem.
Also I'm a little disappointed in someone that I.... oh how do i put this delicately.... kinda want to love me but who doesn't give me what I really want. bleh. Really not sure how I feel about this friendship that isn't just a friendship and probably shouldn't be a friendship. But I feel like it's the last bit of romance I have left in the world. So... that's a pretty sucky feeling but I'm working through it.

Otherwise, work is good. I'm good.

Laters.
x

Forget about it

There are days... sometimes weeks... sometimes years... that can feel like you're dragging yourself through mud. When every minute of every day feels like a struggle. When, a little too often, you have to make the conscious choice to keep going, to not give up.
Those days feel cold, dark... and so very lonely.

I somehow managed to get out of such a slump recently. There were lots of internal reasons for it.. but mainly I was raging against this idea that looking to love to "save yourself from yourself" is not the answer.
I was angry. Sad. But mainly pissed off that lots of other people seem perfectly happy fixing their broken selves with love.... but I had to stay away from love and go do the shitty work of fixing myself first.
Not that I actually had a choice here.. but still. I raged. And emo'd.
Hard.

But I got over it. And, funnily enough (oh thank god I got my sense of humour back.. I missed that the most), I stumbled onto this clip from the Emmy's last night. Here's some Woody Wisdom for you:



And even though I dont really blog here a lot... I do share lots of things in different places. I've recently re-discovered a place called Categorian. And it's always interesting looking back...
Even though I know this wont help when I'm in "the black hole" again, I'm putting these up.
Because future emo ani,... you will get through it.
And you will be ok.
Possibly even better.
Promise.

                                                                 

                                             The trick is in what one emphasizes. 

                                                      We either make ourselves miserable, 
                                                           or we makes ourselves happy. 

The amount of work is the same

                       

~ anib

Blog Challenge - Day 17 to 19 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

Post a photo of your handwriting
really? um... will get back to this one. 

If you could have one superpower, what would it be and why?
flying. not a fan of walking or driving.

Go to a coffee shop. Order your favorite drink/snack, and write about whatever you feel like. (A life lately post, what makes you happy, what makes you sad etc.)
how about i just stay home and do this?

well i'm writing this at 12:10am 21.12.2013. 
last year, we were celebrating the end of the world on 21.12.2012. 
today i will be attending the love and light party. 
that's how my life has turned out.
yesterday was our team staff party and it was just awesome.
tomorrow i have "trance friends" at my house and it will be awesome.
i have family here and a new niece. 
i have health and happiness.
this is all i wanted.

xx

~anib

The language of love

I recently stumbled onto this website about love languages. Do the quiz.
My last two posts may been a bit confusing... I want love, I dont want love... The truth is, maybe I dont know what love is. Or I just dont understand the language.

So apparently my "languauge of love" is time and words. I do take it very personally if people dont have time for me. If I've made time for you and you dont pitch, it's really hard for me to forget that. And words can really move me deeply. I love poetry, writing... and long wordy emails. Conversely, I'm often hurt by careless things that people say.

The other languages are service, gifts and touch. And all my past relationship mistakes come rushing into mind.... *sigh* I've had partners that would show their love in their acts of service... and that just irritated me. I didnt want gifts and stuff. I want your time and attention... and hopefully a pretty poem. Well I did at least get one poem. :)

I dont have much more to add... other than I'm frustrated and irritated by my past mistakes and my current lack of progress. I have little patience at the moment.
And I feel like I'm running out of time....

*grumble*

~anib

The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 


Good night, lovelies.
xx

~anib

The boy fast

I went shopping earlier today, trying a whole bunch of clothes in different shops. I haven't really done that in ages and it was fun. I'm not the easiest person to shop for because I'm not a small girl but as I tried on the clothes, I had some new thoughts in my head. Instead of thinking, "well it fits so I guess I should take it", I started asking myself  "do i really like this?", "does it flatter me?" and even "does this make me happy?". I never used to ask questions like that... in any area of my life.


So, for the last couple of months, I've been on a "Boy Fast" of sorts. Although I haven't been in a "real" relationship for years , I haven't exactly been alone. I fell into these relationships that were not really relationships, and got myself tangled up into all kinds of emotional drama. I didn't feel like I was hurting anyone (including myself)... until I decided to fall head over heels in stupid love with Mr T.

So apparently when I fall in love... and it's not reciprocated... I get mad and then sad... and then decide to stay away from boys completely. I cant explain why this one was different to all the others. My therapist blames the daddy issues. I cant deny that. But whatever the reason, I was addicted to this man. And I loved it.... needed it... wanted it.

It wasn't meant to be, however, but it did teach me an important lesson: I want to fall in love, be in love... and really want and need to feel loved in return. So I decided that I had had enough of crumbs and wanted something more. And so I waited to see what the universe would throw at me next.

It didn't take too long for another guy to show some interest (even though it was erratic). But I was proud that, for the first time, I didn't jump right in but, instead, decided to stop and ask some important questions like "do I really like him?", "is this what I really want?" and....  "does this make me happy?"

The answers were not easy to face and I realised that part of my problem was this fear of letting go in case... this was "it". What if no one better came along? What if I never get to have the family I want? What if I didn't really deserve the best? 

I've (felt like I've) never had the pleasure of a choice in men. I've always just kinda waited for someone to notice me and show me some attention. And then I would be whatever they wanted me to be. I guess it's pretty obvious why my relationships don't work out.

It's taken me a very long time to see this part of me. I haven't written about my Afrikaburn experience yet but it was a big step forward for me in terms of finding my own "space'. My intention was to turn into a butterfly which, for me, means becoming more of who I really am. And maybe I haven't figured it all out yet but I'm starting to realise what I dont want. And that's at least a good step forward.

So, with all the love and support of my new friends... I am exploring me and decided to rather not engage with men until I am strong enough to be my own person. My dear friend Manni wrote about part of my story here, saying "If her sabbatical from dating was the reason she'd become a lotus flower, then I was in desperate need of the recipe." 

And I do feel good. Better. But I guess it's always easy when you dont have temptation... ;) But, even after rejecting the last little temptation, I do still sit up sometimes at night and worry.

I worry sometimes that I wont feel that crazy love again for someone else. 
I worry that I'm too this or that for anyone to really love the real me.
I worry that my heart could go cold and I could forget moments like this... 
"There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth"
From Cape Town in May by silentcoder

I worry that I wont find "me".
I worry that I will.

So with all of that going on in my head... who's got time for boys....! 

~anib

Not about a boy

dont give me what i want

This is not about a boy.. or a man, for that matter.
Well, in many ways, I guess it is. But not anyone that's around at the moment...

The month of March was spent running into the arms of someone that, I thought, would be the answer. The problem was, I wasn't even clear what the question was. I'm super grateful to the doc for opening my eyes to what I've actually been looking for. And how completely pointless it is looking for what I need outside of the four walls of my brain (and heart).

Not that I believe the doc, of course. Not yet, anyway. But I'm told that I'm perfectly capable of providing myself with all the love that I need. Oh, how I chuckled. ahem. But seriously.. I cant even imagine being nice to myself.. or (eww) spending time alone and being (laughs harder) happy. I will work on it, I guess. I need to find out who I am without "everything". The alternative hasn't been working out so well so I guess I dont have much of a choice here.

I guess it isn't rocket science that it all seems to come down to mommy and daddy issues. The best way that I can describe it is via an image I remember from an Oprah show (no judgies) that showed a whole bunch of tubes at different ages. This represented the love that you should've received at each age. So if you get enough love, the tube is filled up and you can give more when you're older. Apparently, I missed out on some parental love from about 10 to... um.. nowish. So I need to fill up. And am currently unable to give anything useful to anyone. *sad face*

I know that I've been looking in all the wrong places for something. I just never knew what I was looking for.. and why I was feeling so disappointed by everyone and everything. It's not everyone.. it's me. Sorry, everyone. Yes, I do feel bad for causing so much unnecessary drama. Learning to forgive myself seems to be the hardest step in moving forward. I get stuck in all the mistakes... and I dont know how to even have a normal relationship anymore. I react in a childish way when I dont get what I want because... well, I guess I'm still a child in love terms. When someone asked me the other day if I'd even been in love.. I had to give a blank stare and say "I dont know." *sigh*

So the latest "mistake" just awakened a deep desire for a connection... a desire to be wanted and adored... and taken care of. And I found myself becoming desperately needy for any kind of attention. And hating myself for it. And going back and doing it all over again. It's absolutely soul crushing. And I still cant stop it. The doc says that I need to treat this desperate need for love like an addiction.  So my plan of action is going "cold turkey" on all men and possible relationships.

"And how's that working out for you?"
Not well, doc.. not well at all.

~anib

Losing

So after Monday's tingly feelings... we went out... had some fun (not that kind of fun) and landed up as friends. I should be ok with that... but I'm just not.

I feel like I've lost something

This isn't about any "him".

I feel like I've lost something more important: a bit of hope, the ability to trust completely, the capacity to love and be loved.

And I really hate how familiar this feeling feels.

Image used with permission from the photographer. 

Words from Elizabeth Bishop

Tingled

I'm feeling tingled.

It's a good feeling... :)
It's a little bit of nervous excitement mixed with hope and endless possibilities.
And a healthy dose of fear and anxiety, of course.
I'm feeling tingled with the possibility of maybe... possibly... a love interest.

I can honestly say that it's been a while since I've had a serious maybe. I am so tired of games and no strings and complicated stories. I just want someone to like me. All of me. Just me.

It's been a long while. So I'm obviously super cautious. And, it seems, so is he.

And I could just be running away with this possibility without really thinking about it too much .... but I kinda like being run away with.

I guess I will have to check with the guy and see what he says. I could just ask and end the wondering. Or maybe it's enough to just have a maybe.
Maybe.
I dont know.
God, I hate being 16. ;)

Just A Kiss. by ~AnaKidd

In other news.. check out snail sex.

~anib

PS: yay! :)

Heart rocks

I once found a heart shaped rock on a beach. Without a moment's hesitation, I immediately gave it away to my boyfriend at the time. I wrote something like "forever yours" on it. Because that's what I believe(d?): when you love and care about someone, it's enough and it lasts forever.

Yes, you may laugh now. :)

So I've learned a bit since then.... oh, how I've learned about love. The short version is: I know nothing.


I've tried my best to be a good friend, daughter, sister, wife, girlfriend, lover, f*** buddy (ahem. no judgies.). But apparently, I suck at all relationships. *insert self pity here*
No, really. Nothing has worked out for me.

I really dont get why... but I'm trying to fix it. I'm sorta getting into a new relationship (yes, it's always complicated and no, it's not "official"). I'm trying to finally learn from my mistakes. I'm trying not to figure out the ending before I've started. I'm trying to listen more and talk less. I'm trying to do things on my own first and not expect things. I'm going to ask for what I want. I'm trying.

Because... while I do give away my heart very easily, I do still need and want to be loved in return. I am tired of feeling not good enough for the very best attention. I need to walk away from people who dont have time for me, who actually care when I've broken a nail (or, you know, attend my dad's funeral and visit me in hospital *cough*). People who can look me in the eyes and tell me I'm doing something stupid and who love me anyway when I'm doing something stupid. I'm not even sure if that's too much to ask but I have now "walked away". Being alone is a humbling experience. I'm trying to find the potential for better things. It's taking time.


A few months after I found my first heart rock that I gave away, I found a smaller one that I kept for myself. It was supposed to inspire me to love myself more.. to expect better of me and the people around me. I think it's inspired me to freeze my heart and make it unbreakable. Mission almost accomplished.

But I'm going to persevere and try again.
Cause I need love.
We all do, I guess.

But this will be the last time.
(Yes, you may laugh now.)

~anib

The ghosts of loves lost

I had a strange feeling today: I missed my ex-husband.
The husband I left in 2008, divorced in 2009 and am still fighting with to resolve our joint estate. So maybe we're not exactly "done". I dont know.
But there was this jazzy tune that came on the radio and I remembered how we would dance like crazy people in our living room to that type of music... smiling, laughing... loving? I cant even remember what that feels like anymore.
But I miss it. I miss that. I miss.... what was and what could've been.

It's a strange feeling... after feeling hurt and angry and sad at everything that happened during our split.
It's a strange feeling knowing that the ones you love, will never really leave you completely.
They become a part of you... they shape who you are. They become your "story".
And you have to respect that... respect them.... and then... I dont know.
What do you do?
Forgive, forget... move on?
Do you ever take a step back and see if you missed out on something??

I've been going through a bit of a reconciliation period with old exes and flames and I'm glad I've reconnected with some of these people that were a part of my life. My heart feels a little better after remembering the good times with them and being allowed in their lives again. I feel very loved... but in a very different way. And I'm learning about what I've done wrong... about expectations... and loving the person for who they are and not wanting more (or less). So I see this all as positive steps forward.

But with some people... I guess some unresolved (or unexpressed) feelings still linger. I worry that I may hurt people again. I also worry that I could get hurt again. I mean... how many hits can a heart actually take before it's unusable? I worry that I may become too "hard" and will completely forget what being loved feels like. I worry that I may never actually have experienced it... so how will I know it when I see it??

I worry about all of this.. and have a bit of regret, of course.
I cant fix all the mistakes I've made. I cant go too far backwards. Self preservation and all that...
So I wont be contacting the ex-husband. But I hope he is ok. I hope he still dances and laughs.... and occasionally thinks of me fondly.

But most of all... I hope I can move on... forgive myself and them.. and maybe, hopefully soon... step into real lasting love. Whatever the hell that is. :)

But, dear ghosts, you will always be a part of my heart.
I had no idea I still had one... so thank you... for reminding me that I can be loved.
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me about myself and about love and life.
I hope I am learning fast.
Because I do miss it.
And that.

~ani

Downfall

I know you know... but, just for my own records.. you are my sweetest downfall.
And I'm going to let myself be taken down....
Because I like it.
And I need it.
xx

What she said

Following on from my previous post...  I have to say.. this is worth waiting for.
So I'm copying and pasting this post from Ellie on what I look for in people, friends, lovers:

We might disagree; in fact that’s a very good thing but at the end of the day we can agree to disagree, and we can respect each other’s points of view.

You’re confident, but not arrogant.

You can win an argument with grace.

You can lose an argument with grace.

You can change your mind, and admit that you were wrong. When you are wrong, you fully admit it and take responsibility.

We might have different priorities, but if you are taking care of what’s top priority to you (and that’s not reflecting any extreme negative externalities) then we’re cool.

You’re not clingy.

You’re definitely not whiny. This is a weird one because I tend to whine, but it’s usually not sincere, just more a way to make light of a situation or hear myself talk.

You’re thoughtful and insightful. You are capable of talking about training. Or philosophy. Or politics, even if at the end of the day you do have one overriding passion.

You care about something, anything, that’s not just yourself or your physical existence or that of your family and loved ones.

You’re genuine, and honest, at least most of the time.

You’re strong and brave, and call me out when I need to be called out.

You can take as well as you can give.

You can accept a compliment (or a gift), and you never give a compliment you don’t mean, or a gift out of mere obligation.

You’re kind.

You’re genuine.

You make me smile, because you’re pretty much always smiling.

If you see a problem and it bothers you, you fix it rather than waiting for someone else to fix it or complaining that it’s not fixed.

If you encounter an obstacle, you make a plan. You don’t just stand around waiting for someone else to fix the problem.

You form your own opinion and don’t let anyone else tell you how to think.

You give advice lovingly, without judgement.

Letting go

I have some issues. Letting go is one of them.
This weekend, I was cut off from technology. This isn't the first time it's happened but every time it happens, I do panic a little and realise how much I rely on that virtual connection.
I realise how tightly I hold onto things and people... and stuff. So much STUFF!

I've become better and better at letting go. After my separation and divorce, I have learned to let go of all the stuff I accumulated over those five years. Yes, I still wish I had my cups and plates and duvet sets I carefully picked out for our home... but I can live without them.

Next weekend I need to chuck my ex husband out of my house and I'm a little scared/worried about all that stuff just being tossed aside. I shouldn't... but I do. I want it to mean something.... I hate feeling like it was all for nothing and now I have nothing.

However, the stuff is easier to let go of than people. It's been difficult, but I have let go of a few people that made me feel less than awesome. I dont need any cheerleaders but I would like friends that think I am the bee's knees. I dont really have that right now... and it bothers me a bit. But I have to believe that getting rid of the old will help bring in some new blood, so to speak.

I've also been shown how tightly I hold onto what I want.. and forget that sometimes I should let go of "want" and accept "this is what you need." How very buddhist. :P And sometimes it's more about "this is what you need to learn." It's a bit painful.... but I think I'm getting it.

I dont know if this will make sense to anyone... but I feel like something is changing.
I need to learn important lessons about love and life.... and I love how the people around me at the moment are challenging some of my old beliefs around that.
I'm a little excited.
I love the way my heart is a little bit more open than it used to be.
By letting go of the crap, you can let a whole lot of love in.
Happiness is.
:)

Unintended

Riddle me this.

How do you go from this.....
 

 to this...

????

Life goes on... but yeah... some things still suck.
#thatisall