Dates

Yesterday was my ex wedding anniversary. We had the ceremony on 8th February 2013 but we actually signed the register on 14th February. How very..... *puke*. Heh... ok it kinda sweet at the time but I'm really not in the mood for love and romance at the moment. And yet....

Last week, I had to say no to a very tempting but inappropriate offer.  To keep myself safe (and sane), I've been trying to stay away. But as we eke closer to V day and the nights get lonelier and I'm just tired and stressed and.... I cant control the bad thoughts that are being debated in my head.

It's also been 90 days (I worked it out) since I've communicated with him. He's written to me (briefly) but it's really just pissed me off more than anything because it was just one liners and not an essay long declaration of his love for me. I dont ask for much... I think?

A dear friend said that I deserved so much better than these scraps. But do I? Really? I really dont know anymore. This seems to be "it" and all I can get my hands on.... so maybe I should settle. Again.

Yeah yeah.

Meh. I should be concentrating on my super important job that could change my life instead of silly boys and their lack of commitment.
I'm just constantly tired at the time with no good reason. Suppose I should sleep and sort out vitamin B12 shot.
Oh and stop worrying.

Yeah yeah.

~anib

A long time ago

a long long time ago in a place called stumbleupon (SU), i was given a platform for the first time in my life to express myself creatively without any limits. i used to blog, write, collect images.. and make music videos. i also went by my "real name": anitab. 

this was on purpose. 

(this was also way before social media and companies checking your online activities.)

the purpose was, and always has been, to find anitab.

a fun little part of SU was our avatars. i used to change my avatar almost daily to reflect a current mood or another side of me. it became a "thing". it became something important to me. 

each and every one of my "avatar girls" became a part of me.

as i embraced their beauty, their quirkiness.... 

i started embracing mine.

these videos were compiled from all the pics of my "avatar girls". 

there are many children in these images. and many grown woman yearning for love. 

and lots of butterflies and bubbles and pink and hearts.

 and babies. 

and eyes. 

and sadness.

these videos still bring me to tears because they meant so much to me at the time. 

and, i guess.. they still do.

i guess i'm still looking.

and, i guess...

i still dont see.

i can smile a little when i look back today, though.

so many of the things i wanted for myself have come true.

i really do have some amazing friends.

there are people that "see" me.

i can dance with abandon.

i have great clothes and play with fashion.

i dyed my hair blue and purple.

i recovered from heartbreak.

barely.

that was the last video i created. 

my editing got a little better... and i got a little bit more hopeful about my future.

at first the butterflies seemed to be my way out and help me escape from the pain and sadness.

by the end, it seemed like the butterflies gave me more power to just be.

i dont have a conclusion...

yet...

other than this has been going on for a long time.

and long enough.

i'm tired of being sad.

good night.

~anib

The language of love

I recently stumbled onto this website about love languages. Do the quiz.
My last two posts may been a bit confusing... I want love, I dont want love... The truth is, maybe I dont know what love is. Or I just dont understand the language.

So apparently my "languauge of love" is time and words. I do take it very personally if people dont have time for me. If I've made time for you and you dont pitch, it's really hard for me to forget that. And words can really move me deeply. I love poetry, writing... and long wordy emails. Conversely, I'm often hurt by careless things that people say.

The other languages are service, gifts and touch. And all my past relationship mistakes come rushing into mind.... *sigh* I've had partners that would show their love in their acts of service... and that just irritated me. I didnt want gifts and stuff. I want your time and attention... and hopefully a pretty poem. Well I did at least get one poem. :)

I dont have much more to add... other than I'm frustrated and irritated by my past mistakes and my current lack of progress. I have little patience at the moment.
And I feel like I'm running out of time....

*grumble*

~anib

Not about a boy

dont give me what i want

This is not about a boy.. or a man, for that matter.
Well, in many ways, I guess it is. But not anyone that's around at the moment...

The month of March was spent running into the arms of someone that, I thought, would be the answer. The problem was, I wasn't even clear what the question was. I'm super grateful to the doc for opening my eyes to what I've actually been looking for. And how completely pointless it is looking for what I need outside of the four walls of my brain (and heart).

Not that I believe the doc, of course. Not yet, anyway. But I'm told that I'm perfectly capable of providing myself with all the love that I need. Oh, how I chuckled. ahem. But seriously.. I cant even imagine being nice to myself.. or (eww) spending time alone and being (laughs harder) happy. I will work on it, I guess. I need to find out who I am without "everything". The alternative hasn't been working out so well so I guess I dont have much of a choice here.

I guess it isn't rocket science that it all seems to come down to mommy and daddy issues. The best way that I can describe it is via an image I remember from an Oprah show (no judgies) that showed a whole bunch of tubes at different ages. This represented the love that you should've received at each age. So if you get enough love, the tube is filled up and you can give more when you're older. Apparently, I missed out on some parental love from about 10 to... um.. nowish. So I need to fill up. And am currently unable to give anything useful to anyone. *sad face*

I know that I've been looking in all the wrong places for something. I just never knew what I was looking for.. and why I was feeling so disappointed by everyone and everything. It's not everyone.. it's me. Sorry, everyone. Yes, I do feel bad for causing so much unnecessary drama. Learning to forgive myself seems to be the hardest step in moving forward. I get stuck in all the mistakes... and I dont know how to even have a normal relationship anymore. I react in a childish way when I dont get what I want because... well, I guess I'm still a child in love terms. When someone asked me the other day if I'd even been in love.. I had to give a blank stare and say "I dont know." *sigh*

So the latest "mistake" just awakened a deep desire for a connection... a desire to be wanted and adored... and taken care of. And I found myself becoming desperately needy for any kind of attention. And hating myself for it. And going back and doing it all over again. It's absolutely soul crushing. And I still cant stop it. The doc says that I need to treat this desperate need for love like an addiction.  So my plan of action is going "cold turkey" on all men and possible relationships.

"And how's that working out for you?"
Not well, doc.. not well at all.

~anib

Tingled

I'm feeling tingled.

It's a good feeling... :)
It's a little bit of nervous excitement mixed with hope and endless possibilities.
And a healthy dose of fear and anxiety, of course.
I'm feeling tingled with the possibility of maybe... possibly... a love interest.

I can honestly say that it's been a while since I've had a serious maybe. I am so tired of games and no strings and complicated stories. I just want someone to like me. All of me. Just me.

It's been a long while. So I'm obviously super cautious. And, it seems, so is he.

And I could just be running away with this possibility without really thinking about it too much .... but I kinda like being run away with.

I guess I will have to check with the guy and see what he says. I could just ask and end the wondering. Or maybe it's enough to just have a maybe.
Maybe.
I dont know.
God, I hate being 16. ;)

Just A Kiss. by ~AnaKidd

In other news.. check out snail sex.

~anib

PS: yay! :)

Heart rocks

I once found a heart shaped rock on a beach. Without a moment's hesitation, I immediately gave it away to my boyfriend at the time. I wrote something like "forever yours" on it. Because that's what I believe(d?): when you love and care about someone, it's enough and it lasts forever.

Yes, you may laugh now. :)

So I've learned a bit since then.... oh, how I've learned about love. The short version is: I know nothing.


I've tried my best to be a good friend, daughter, sister, wife, girlfriend, lover, f*** buddy (ahem. no judgies.). But apparently, I suck at all relationships. *insert self pity here*
No, really. Nothing has worked out for me.

I really dont get why... but I'm trying to fix it. I'm sorta getting into a new relationship (yes, it's always complicated and no, it's not "official"). I'm trying to finally learn from my mistakes. I'm trying not to figure out the ending before I've started. I'm trying to listen more and talk less. I'm trying to do things on my own first and not expect things. I'm going to ask for what I want. I'm trying.

Because... while I do give away my heart very easily, I do still need and want to be loved in return. I am tired of feeling not good enough for the very best attention. I need to walk away from people who dont have time for me, who actually care when I've broken a nail (or, you know, attend my dad's funeral and visit me in hospital *cough*). People who can look me in the eyes and tell me I'm doing something stupid and who love me anyway when I'm doing something stupid. I'm not even sure if that's too much to ask but I have now "walked away". Being alone is a humbling experience. I'm trying to find the potential for better things. It's taking time.


A few months after I found my first heart rock that I gave away, I found a smaller one that I kept for myself. It was supposed to inspire me to love myself more.. to expect better of me and the people around me. I think it's inspired me to freeze my heart and make it unbreakable. Mission almost accomplished.

But I'm going to persevere and try again.
Cause I need love.
We all do, I guess.

But this will be the last time.
(Yes, you may laugh now.)

~anib

The ghosts of loves lost

I had a strange feeling today: I missed my ex-husband.
The husband I left in 2008, divorced in 2009 and am still fighting with to resolve our joint estate. So maybe we're not exactly "done". I dont know.
But there was this jazzy tune that came on the radio and I remembered how we would dance like crazy people in our living room to that type of music... smiling, laughing... loving? I cant even remember what that feels like anymore.
But I miss it. I miss that. I miss.... what was and what could've been.

It's a strange feeling... after feeling hurt and angry and sad at everything that happened during our split.
It's a strange feeling knowing that the ones you love, will never really leave you completely.
They become a part of you... they shape who you are. They become your "story".
And you have to respect that... respect them.... and then... I dont know.
What do you do?
Forgive, forget... move on?
Do you ever take a step back and see if you missed out on something??

I've been going through a bit of a reconciliation period with old exes and flames and I'm glad I've reconnected with some of these people that were a part of my life. My heart feels a little better after remembering the good times with them and being allowed in their lives again. I feel very loved... but in a very different way. And I'm learning about what I've done wrong... about expectations... and loving the person for who they are and not wanting more (or less). So I see this all as positive steps forward.

But with some people... I guess some unresolved (or unexpressed) feelings still linger. I worry that I may hurt people again. I also worry that I could get hurt again. I mean... how many hits can a heart actually take before it's unusable? I worry that I may become too "hard" and will completely forget what being loved feels like. I worry that I may never actually have experienced it... so how will I know it when I see it??

I worry about all of this.. and have a bit of regret, of course.
I cant fix all the mistakes I've made. I cant go too far backwards. Self preservation and all that...
So I wont be contacting the ex-husband. But I hope he is ok. I hope he still dances and laughs.... and occasionally thinks of me fondly.

But most of all... I hope I can move on... forgive myself and them.. and maybe, hopefully soon... step into real lasting love. Whatever the hell that is. :)

But, dear ghosts, you will always be a part of my heart.
I had no idea I still had one... so thank you... for reminding me that I can be loved.
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me about myself and about love and life.
I hope I am learning fast.
Because I do miss it.
And that.

~ani

she always gets what she wants...

argh! this damn song has been stuck in my head all week.
f**k you, prime circle.
f**k you for making me think when all i want to do is have some guilt-free fun!
here's the song on YT. here's the band's website. here are the damn words.
and this is what's been going through my head...





it's been a weird day...
*sigh*