Good news

I need some good news
Sittin' here, sippin' on cold truth
Nobody knows what I'm goin' through
Bet the devil wouldn't walk in my shoes

Wish someone told me
Livin' this life would be lonely
Tryna get away from the old me
Still stuck singin' these blues

All I really need is a little good news

- Shaboozey 2024

2025 has been 2025-ing. We seem to be descending quickly into facism and late stage capitalism is killing our collective will to live. It's hard to wake up every day and be bombarded with genocide, femicide, transphobia and general wtf-ery. The horrors persist, but so do we.

Somehow, in all of this (gestures wildly), I found the strength and energy to go to "the Outside". I went to the AfrikaBurn Decompression party. We haven't had an official Decompression since pre-Covid days.... so this one was special. We also had it at the Castle of Good Hope which was a challenge for many people but it also really important to reclaim that space. And the weirdos won again. I'm so proud!

I decided to dress up in ridiculousness because, why not?! The thing with dress up is that although it's just a costume, it does become a part of you. I was so afraid that I had lost a piece of me that was silly and frivolous and all I had left was an empty hard shell. But the mask melted away quickly and I was able to access a part of me that had been hidden for a while.

I have been feeling a little isolated and alone and have been afraid that this was just the way things were going to be. I was starting to get worried that my fluffy heart had frozen up and would never break out of its cage again. Would I just continue to talk in mixed up metaphors about better times? Well, fear not.... I'm almost back to me(ish). :-P

I was so impressed with the variety of music, the variety of humans and, more importantly, the kindness of strangers. Man, but I really love to dance. We have so much talent in this country. I was so proud. And I had so much fun! Burners just have a whole different vibe. My favourite people are still trancers, but burny trancers are the most FUN!

Anyway, it was a great day to reconnect with new and old friends and I treasured the special moments of human interaction. I know.... I suprised myself! Although (some) people can be mean, it really is a beautiful thing when they decide to be their better selves. Self included! (Note to Self!)

And talking on better people.... Ah Cyndi Roberts. 

It's been so difficult to deal with such a huge loss to the trance, burner and festival community. She wasn't just this or that... she was home to so many people. She created her own space, she made space for others, she gave and gave generously. She was tough but fair. She was beautiful and funny and smart and kind. She fed us and kept us on our toes. She worked so hard. She was loved so very much and we will miss her but never forget.

It was so beautiful to attend her memorial service and various "after tears" events. We laughed and cried and laughed some more. We burned a few things and ate and drank. And now we need to carry on living and loving each other. Because this is what we do. And this is why we do it.

Anyway. It was good to share the space with the bestest weirdos. 

It reminded me why love and friendship is so important. I am so thankful.

In between all of this, there was a birthday that I largely ignored. I wont be doing that again but I did need the little me-time to absorb all these re-learnings. Let's celebrate more things together. This is why we do it.  

Love n stuff. But mostly love.

xx

~anib

The Shadow of Death

The year 2022 contiues to take and take.

I need to do a few important RIPs because... this year has been a lot.

Mae

80 years old, 2 children and 2 grandchildren and second mom to her other 10 siblings.

Only got married at 37 which was quite a thing for '78. Met and married my dad in South Africa and lived here all the rest of her life after growing up in Madeira and working for a while in Maputo. 

Deeply religious and lived her life in service to others. Spent her whole life working in a shop in Maitland before retiring. Life hasn't always been kind or easy, but there was always a joke or laugh to be had. 

I hope you have peace and are finally free of all the aches and pains of life. <3 

Johnnie V

The Lightchaser from StumbleUpon days. But Johnnie to everyone. A truly kind and beautiful person. Once he found out what you liked, he would share a pretty image or song or joke to your wall on an almost daily basis. Always so so kind and so sweet. Much loved. So very missed. 

Adin VR aka The NoMoneyGuy

My online friend, the kick to my side-kick. The one with the big ideas and the crazy ideas and the big heart and the bigger smile. The one that always listens, tries to help and isn't afraid to ask for help. He helped me come out of my shell in 2010 and through his friendship, I met so many new and interesting people and leant so many things about myself. I cant even begin to explain the influence that he has on my life. Greatly loved by so many.... if you knew him, you know. 

Tyrone B

I heard about this quite late. What a horrible tragic way to die. Thank you for showing me the trance world. Thank you for pushing my buttons and showing me a side of me that I had forgotten about. I wish you peace.

Buckley

The cat that I adopted from my brother! He only stayed with me for a month before we found out he was sick. What a sweet boy you were. <3

Let's hope 2023 is kinder.

xx

~anib

Post Therapy thoughts

I had about a three week break from my therapist...  with public holidays and afrikaburn and life getting in the way. So it was nice going back yesterday... but also.... sigh. I'm so tired of my stuff.

I've been with Dr H since November 2012... almost five years. Geez. What an adventure. But he's been truly amazing... and I'm more than a little heartbroken that he'll be leaving the country at the end of August. Like actually a lot heartbroken. Devastated even.

I've had many therapists but he's been truly close to my heart. He challenges me and supports me in so many ways. And he sort of gets some of my ani-isms and calls me out on my bullshit. I'm interviewing a few new doctors this week but I actually really dont want to right now. I dont know.... I'll see how I feel after those appointments.

One of the things we discussed yesterday was my extreme jealousy of love and relationships... and how I take it out on my close friends. I really dont like that person that I become but it feels so overwhelming and impossible to control. I really feel like it will hurt my close friendships but I dont see any way of dealing with it. So I try to deal with it by being as honest as possible without hurting other people too much.

I just really do feel dead inside... I dont think I have the capacity or ability to love again. And that scares me but I dont know how to fix it.

I also spoke about afrikaburn and how lonely I felt. Ironic, because I know that I isolated myself among 13,000 people. There were moments where I enjoyed the quiet alone time but there are also questions about why I run away from any kind of intimacy. As I so eloquently put yesterday, if I see lightning strike in the middle of the desert but no one else is there to experience it with me, is it still a valid experience?

Anyway. My best friend is leaving Cape Town again. My therapist is leaving. And I feel completely and utterly alone in the world. Again.

Bleh.
xx

September 2016

I missed my September blog post. There's no reason, really, other than I've been occupied with lots of thoughts and things... but not enough for a coherent blog post.

So here's a random summary of September, without getting too deep into thoughts and feelings.

The month started with a trip to Citrusdal for an Afrikaburn type party. I wanted to "test drive" my chill area idea at trance parties and did a fully psychedelic chill area with decor from Luminos. It was lovely but didn't really fit in and I felt a little defeated. I mostly got over myself and hung out with my DPW friends and then cheered myself with a longer route home through the west coast. It was ok but I doubt that I'd attend again.

The weekend after that I attended Wolfkop for the first time as a thank you gift from Afrikaburn for my volunteer work. I'll admit that I really didn't even feel that I belonged there, but I made a nice chill space for people and tried my best to fit in. I also felt very intimidated by all the very very pretty people at that party and, really, the only thing that I dance to was Mafikzolo's song "Meet me at the River."  The rest of the music was this down tempo house techno crap that I just could not....

Anyway, it was a pretty place and the Afrikaburn people are always.... entertaining. I also got bitten so badly by mosquitoes so that sucked a little. I also took some leave from work because things were complicated and I was feeling really depressed and tired and... gatvol. :(

Two weeks after that, I attended Earthdance for just the Sunday. That was also a little different to normal as I went with some friends in the back of a bakkie and without all my "things." I tried to let go but I was a little worried. I also got fat shamed on the dancefloor which significantly affected my ability to "let go" and just have fun. That sucked.

So I dont know... I didnt enjoy it that much, I guess. Although I was really surrounded by an army of awesome people that really loved me. And I missed that scene a lot... so much so that I was overcome by emotion as I hit the dancefloor. It's a weird thing, these trance parties. So much shit goes on sometimes... but it's still such a place for growth for me. Still learning... still growing.

And this past weekend, I decided to attend an ecstatic dance class.... which was super weird and interesting and probably good for me. Still undecided about that whole thing, tbh. And then I attended the hoop day celebrations which was fun and playful and definitely good for me. And yesterday, I started painting the side wall. I want to make an ocean effect as I drive in. Heh. Cant wait to see this done.... although today, my back is PAINFULLY sore.

Totes worth it. :)

 Along the way, there have been some personal issues that I'm still dealing with. Once I've figured it all out, I'll post something more coherent and personal here. For now, I am just really grateful for friends that really listen and a therapist that helps me move forward.

Onwards!

~anib

Soul Boogy

So I ran away to Mozambique for my birthday. Thirty Fucking Seven. Holy crap, that's a lot closer to Forty than I'm ready for. And so I ran.... slowly. Because I'm effing old. :)

So I decided to attend the Mozamboogy party in Ponta Molagane, Mozambique for the weekend. The adventure started with a flight to Johannesburg that was delayed because of a tornado and heavy rainfall in Johannesburg. Did I mention the tornado? Because... TORNADO WTF! Things could only get better from there, right?

Well the bus ride up to Kosi Bay border from Johannesburg was pure hell. We left at 8pm to arrive at the border at 8am so I expected to sleep through the whole thing. Except for one guy who wanted to  turn it into a party bus. One drunk guy. 50 non drunk people. One very irritated Ani that forgot her earphones in her luggage.  So at least I discovered something about myself: I turn into a horrible, mean, sarcastic, unsympathetic bitch with zero sense of humour when I'm cold, tired and irritated. Who knew. Grr.

When we eventually got to Mozambique though, I could not be happier. Mainly because I finally got  away from the drunk guy and I got to speak Portuguese and OMG SUNSHINE!!! Johanneburg was freezing cold and, since we stopped along the route a few times, we were outside at 3am in the zero degree temperatures so I was really just grateful for the warm, tropical weather.

Once we got to the place (after a very bumpy ride), I checked into my little log cabin and started to make it home. I put up my rainbow stuff and I walked around a bit and sat on the beach trying to absorb as much sun as I could.... but, as I was really tired and in no mood for people, I just had a bit of a snooze before I did much of anything. My first 24 hours there, I spent mostly by myself. I meditated, ate some good food, wrote some things, and breathed out all the stresses over the last couple of months. Holiday mode engaged.

I was on the Mozamboogy dancefloor for a little bit but it's really difficult dancing on a sandy dancefloor. I also sat on the sand and got so badly bitten by sand fleas that I just decided to not do that again. I was there to relax. I can dance at a million other trance parties in Cape Town. Plus, my log cabin was so close to the dancefloor that I could dance to the music in my sleep.


On the Friday, I met this awesome dude that reminded me of my friend G that passed away. He was crazy AF but super smart and super entertaining. He got me out of my self induced bubble and, through him, I met a whole bunch of nice people. Also, my other friends arrived later that day, so the social part of the party was ON. It was ok... and I enjoyed my time with them but I really treasured the moments that I had to myself.

On the Saturday... I had the best experience. It was a very personal journey of discovery and I learnt so much about myself and what I want to do with my life. I really feel that I have a gift to help people with their heart stuff. And all I need to do is just bear witness and let people share their pain. I had a few people cry on my shoulders and they left me with a smile. So that's something. It was really amazing and powerful and... well I still haven't figured out what it all meant.

I want to write more about how much this affected me and how I truly feel called to a bigger and higher purpose... but I just dont have the words to explain it right now. All I can say, is that it was a much needed trip and I feel like something big changed for me during those few days.

Overall, though, the party was average and I wouldn't return. I met a few amazing people but mostly the crowd was very "Joburg" in their attitude and that really irritated me. The music was average and the journey to get there was really a painful mission. But it was still a good once off experience.

Next year.... I really hope to do the European trance scene. I'd love to go to Ozora in 2017 and Boom in 2018. And although I valued the time to myself, I really did miss some of my core people. But I guess you have to miss people sometimes to really appreciate them. Yalla. :)

xx

Annie, are you OK?

This week.... what a fucking rollercoaster. I was majorly pissed off that I didn't get to see my therapist last week but I just kept bottling up my feelings of anger until I exploded and almost fucked up a really important relationship to me. I really hate it when I do that. And I do it a lot.

Before the explosion, I felt this song pretty deeply. I could actually listen to Adele forever on repeat... but it's probably not healthy for me. Still.... the river lea is strong with me. 

Everybody tells me it's 'bout time that I moved on

And I need to learn to lighten up and learn how to be young

But my heart is a valley, it's so shallow and man made

I'm scared to death if I let you in that you'll see I'm just a fake

Sometimes I feel lonely in the arms of your touch

But I know that's just me cause nothing ever is enough

And all these feelings kept swirling around my head and I just could not find a way to express them. 

I kept saying "never mind" when asked about it. 

And, I think, the best thing I heard all week was: I mind. *mind blown*

And this was the second best thing I heard.... <3 p="">

Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK,?
Are you OK, Annie?

Guys... I am so ok. I'm loved and liked and more than tolerated by some really special people... even when I'm being a bitchy stupid emo drama princess. 

Like how did I even get that lucky? 

Ja. It's been a flippen journey. 

#blessed

~anib

Girl friends

No Dorothy Black, this is not lovely....

this actually pissed me off so much, that I had to have some calming tea. All I see is a couple of lying bitches who want to see you fall.

*sigh*

At least I know why this pisses me off. For me, I have never been able to trust female friends. They've always seemed to betray me in some way or abandon me or generally not be reliable in any way. Because of this, I have tended to stay away from female friendships because I just dont trust women.

I know (through therapy), that this is largely due to my mom's inability to show me unconditional love. I know she loves and cares about me in her way but her way is filled with a lot of conditions, including "be good", "be quiet" and "dont embarrass me." (And I'm equally hard on others for the same things, of course.)

This affects so many things in my life. I lose myself in relationships with men because I so desperately want to be loved. I hold back in friendships with women because I'm so scared of being judged. I'm constantly self critical despite because nothing I ever do is ever good enough. And I've learnt not to trust anyone or anything and just do everything myself.

In fact, today, on the way to work, I saw a dog that had been ridden over. My only thought was that I should probably call someone to clean it up. It bothers me... a lot... that I have very little compassion for animals. It's not something I openly admit to because then people assume you're a psycho killer. I once explained to someone that I dont trust animals because I think they're just after something (food, shelter etc) and I dont see how you can care for something that just uses you. I realise, deeply and painfully, how fucked up this is. I'm kinda glad that motherhood seems to evade me. :/

You're supposed to learn unconditional love from your parents. If you dont, are you doomed to just never be able to accept love from anyone or anything?

Well maybe you're just doomed to life time therapy and learning to be ok with being alone.

Hat tip to Bean for this.... because I just dont get it. 

meh.

~anib

I am

It's not news to me that I can be a drama princess. I'm aware of how I can blow things out of proportion and focus too much on the negative.

So, after yesterday's post , I contacted two friends in the UK who jumped at the opportunity to see me, even if briefly. One was prepared to fly in from Isle of Man and another said she would just "MAKE" time. And I was deeply humbled and touched. And suddenly, very very over the "maybe" guy.

I've "known" him for almost nine years online... which is pretty ridiculous, come to think of it. But if I'm a lot more interested in meeting him than he is in meeting me.... then what the hell dude. Buh-bye.

*and breathe*

In other news, I've been re-learning Hebrew because my favourite Israeli will be back in town soon. I stumbled across this phrase "Ani". Apparently it's a way to introduce yourself* ie Ani Ani. Heh.
So the translation is: "I am".

I AM.

Man... I can't begin to express how happy that made me.

The main reason I landed up online was to discover who I was. When I first started on mIRC, I struggled with finding a pseudonym. I used to change it every couple of days and try different personas with it... but it didnt last very long. Eventually, I decided to go with my given name.

Ever since then, every place that I signed up for online was a place to discover who "anita" was. On StumbleUpon, I was given the nickname ani, which has stuck and developed into its own little persona based on what everyone else was telling me who I was.
When I first started this blog in 2009, it was about claiming back that name "ani" and trying to figure out who I was outside of everyone's expectations.
At the time, I wanted to be small and invisible and quiet and alone. Now, I'm much louder and brighter and sometimes too much in the light.
But, through all of this... I am.
With or without you, I am.

After spending so many years wondering "I am?", I'm finally starting to drop the question mark. Here's to finding the explanation mark and learning to love all that is "I". :)

xx

~anib

* I got that from a youtube video but subsequent research has said Ani translates to I. Whatevs. The insights matter. :)

Unfollowing friendships

So today is that day. I’m not even going to bother checking my timehop today because I remember how raw my feelings were when I posted on Facebook and Twitter about my dad passing away.

Three years ago, I really thought I had many friends on social media. Maybe I did… but I know that I had not a single “friend” show up at the funeral. Not one. And when I was hospitalised later that year, I also had zero visits from any “friend”. 

That year was one of the worst (second only to my divorce year in 2008), but at least I learned some things.  Mainly, I learned to fall out of love with my twitter followers. Not everyone is your friend… And that’s ok. I cut out a large percentage of my followers and don’t speak to any of the Cape Town “twitterati” anymore since that year. I have zero desire for any more tweetups. My life got a little bit more offline and, these days, I do share a whole lot less. Then again, I also have a lot less drama in my own life and very little interest in other people’s drama.

The internet is still an amazing place with lots of potential for magical connections. I still have close friendships with people I’ve never met in real life (through StumbleUpon mainly). But a real friend shows up in real life. A real friendship requires action and time. A real friendship has more than 140 characters.

I still have quite a few “friends” online and offline that I know aren’t real friends. We are friendly and nice to each other but I know that I only have a few people that I can call up at any hour and rely on them. Lord knows I am so very done with unreliable people. And I cut them out much more easily (and quickly) these days.

Anyway, I guess I’m still angry at the people I was friends with at that time that never showed up for me. I’m not quite over it and I suppose I will have to let it go. But it’s made me much more aware of who I can trust and perhaps also made me a little too aloof with new people.

It’s my self defence system, I guess. When I am your friend, I will give 100% of my loyalty and I have to know for sure that you’re not going to bail on me. So I wait and see and check people out for a long time before I “commit” to the friendship. Not many stick around for that but it’s ok for now.

*sigh*

People are hard work.

~anib 

edit. thanks to cath jenkin for linking to this article about our "online generation." in short... this is just how we are... but it sucks sometimes.

Crash and burn

I suppose I should do an Afrikaburn post. It was nice. I had fun. And then I got pissed off.

It's hard to walk away from Afrikaburn and remember the good stuff when I found out that my good friend had passed away from cancer while I was out frolicking in the desert.

I also almost died as we left the Burn. It's not something that I really want to talk about... but our car almost rolled on that horrible R355 gravel road of hell. And I'm insanely pissed off at my friend... for many things that happened before, during and after the Burn but this was probably the last straw for me. The least you could've done, after everything that I have done for you, was get me there safe and sound. The very least.

I tried to explain why I was upset... but I managed to just end up burning that bridge. Hard. We're no longer friends. (Not because of the accident.... mostly about money... and some hurtful things that were said.)

So after a week of sunny days and hot party nights and naked old men running around the desert and beautiful girls and their little boy issues and trance and hip hop and art (amazing amazing art) and science and tea and croquet (yes really) and rainbows and butterflies and crystals and chakras and hula hoops and purple weddings and sand (so much sand)..... after all of that, I will only remember the two important friends that I lost.

It feels a little ungrateful.... but I cant see much past death and loss at the moment. Even watching the Reflection sculpture from last year's burn get burned this year left me a little sad. And of course last year's burn was the first time I was able to mourn properly for my dad. His death anniversary is this month. Two years.

And I'm still single. I actually really did put myself out there this Afrikaburn. I flirted with a few boys... got accepted but rejected and another guy just wanted sex. And I realised that I really dont just want that. So I'm still single. I give up.

And I got sick this week. Horribly sick with snot and fevers and coughing all night.

I am freaking over this month.

But the greatest hurt is losing  my friend. Death, I can try to understand.. but having a friend abuse my love and trust is something I can never get used to. I'm heart broken.... and tired. And a lot poorer too so I cant do much more than sit with these feelings and feel them. I mean, who DOES that?!

I'm done.

Just stand there and watch me burn.

~anib

For Yvette

I dont even know how to deal with this.
Last week, on my way home from Afrikaburn, I found out via Facebook that my friend, Yvette, had passed away while I was at Tankwa Town.
I was in shock.
The last I'd heard was that she was back in hospital after some complications from the chemo treatment she was on. This had happened a few times before and she was always fine. She was a tough cookie... she would always just make it, regardless of what the doctors said.
I cannot understand why...

Yvette was (is, is, IS!) an amazing woman. She is the ultimate geek supergirl and proud of it. She's a code-busting, hello kitty loving, cupcake baking, dragon living, passionate, intelligent, opinionated, stubborn, purple-haired, knitting, cat owning, sushi eating, movie watching, geeking out superwoman.

A few memories that stand out include the night before she got her braces. She wanted to indulge in one last eat-as much-as-you-can ribs night at spur with me. I think about her every time I get ribs. I dont think we ever had ribs again after her braces came off... but she really did enjoy her new smile.

Another fun day was the day we geeked out at Ratanga Junction. Her need for speed and rollercoaster streak shone through as she made us more nervous types try every ride at the park... twice. She loves what she loves... and she loves it hard. She was never scared to fly her freak flag high.

On that note, I will always be grateful to her for making me watch the original Hercules with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Total geek out. And also for forgiving me for not watching any Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings movies. No matter how much you disagreed with someone, you let them be them. Thank you for that.

And now... you're gone.
Gone but never forgotten.
I still have the little stone you gave us at your last birthday that said "happiness".
I wish you happiness, Ms Mage Pen Dragon. Much love and happiness for you.
Thank you for you.
And fuck cancer hard.

~anib

I wuz robbed

Oh the many stories that are in those three words.But, the most recent story is an actual robbery that happened last week Sunday. My ID book, bank cards, cellphone and some cash got stolen out of my car. To be honest, it was a pretty easy robbery as my friend had left my car door open and I had left everything there.. waiting for karma.

And I was angry.... and sad. So very sad for all the old messages that I had lost. Lost hopes and dreams that were contained in text messages and whatsapps ... hoping for a different outcome. It took me a few days to feel the freedom of letting that all go. Ex-loves and ex-friends and conversations that no longer exist... are all gone. The new phone feels empty but a little liberating too.

Being without cash was also an interesting experience for four days. I've been unemployed before... but I had a credit limit back then. I had no access to my own money for about four days... and I was stressed and felt really useless. I love spoiling my friends and family and I love being able to take care of myself. So it wasnt a great experience to feel stuck at home again with no other option.

Overall, it was good to feel that sense of loss and realise I would still be ok, without all my normal "stuff" with me. I managed to do without for the most part and have got back everything I needed... and sometimes a little more (I just LOVE my new cellphone!).

My dear hippy friends tell me that the energies are busy changing as we're moving out of a serpent cycle. So the hippy snake can have my old phone and my old connections. I'm ready to shed the old snake skin and come out all shiny and clean and free from the past.

Looking back at the past week, I actually did have a good break (mentally and emotionally) from an old part of my past and connected more deeply with some friends that are part of my future.

All in all... a good experience.
Who knew?!
:)

~ anib

New things in 2014

So 2014 has been an experience so far. I had another great new year's eve party at Boomerang spent mostly with my good friend Dawie and a few new friends and other lovely people I've got to know in 2013. But by the end of the 1st January, I was already relearning a very important lesson from 2013: boundaries are a good idea.

The details are not important but I got very tired of some people taking advantage of generosity and kindness. Everyone has to set their own limits but I know that I am done with leechy type friends. Friendship has to be about give and then take. And if that means I lose a few friendly faces along the way, I'm ok with that now. It just makes me angry when my friends are taken advantage of.

Another new revelation this year was a nice boy showing some interest in me (not directly to me though). I was pretty surprised by the news and nothing has happened yet... but it's an interesting phenomena that I'm not quite sure how to deal with.

The funny thing is, another young man seemed to be attempting to test the waters with me yesterday and I was... well... scared. I actually literally ran away. Poor boy. :)

It's a pretty weird thing being attracted to someone and hoping they like you back. How do you decide that you like someone back? Isn't love supposed to be a big bang kinda thing?? I have been noticing the male species more often these days after letting go of the men I cant have. I've also been trying to switch my brain into "relationship mode" because I dont want something quick and dirty. I want the whole shebang. But how do you know when you have it?

I'm not even sure what "relationship ani" would look like. All I know is, everything that I used to do was just wrong. I've changed a lot and so my relationship skills need to change too. But I have no idea how I am supposed to act in a relationship. Should I wait until I do know? Are there any tester boyfriends I could practice on? Poor boys... ;)

And people always say that it's good to be friends before you become lovers but how do you even go from friendly guy friend to passionate lovers? It's a weird situation but I'm not going to push it. I'll wait and see what happens. Or is that too safe? I'm not sure.

Argh.
2014 is going to be interesting. :)

~anib

Unpacking the house

I have only a few close friends that I discuss my therapy sessions with. It's not something that I share easily because the things I discuss in those sessions are things that I hide very well... evenfrom myself. I dont really love the sessions because it's such hard work emotionally. But I'm doing it because I have to. For me.

So, while discussing a particular hard sessions with said close friends, I was told that I dont really need to deal with all of my issues at once. My dear friend gave me the advice that sometimes it's good to put your issues in a box and pack it away to deal with later.

I laughed and quipped: "I hear you but... I have so many boxes that have been put away, I cant move anymore without tripping over them." My therapist thought it was a good analogy and, so, we continue unpacking the issues.

The interesting thing is, this image has seeped into my unconscious and now I'm having recurring dreams/nightmares of my house filled with boxes and me trying to unpack them. My therapist happens to have an interest in dream analysis so I've been intrigued by his opinions. And I really do appreciate someone that takes my rather interesting imagination seriously. :)

So the first dream I had, I was excitedly telling my close friends about how I was getting rid of all these boxes. Someone was going to take them away and I was excited about all the things I was going to put into my new house. Of course, I didnt actually do any of the unpacking and moving out of the boxes. 

The next dream was on the anniversary of my dad's birthday... which, in the conscious world, I didnt really want to acknowledge. In my dream, I was in a car getting ready to go somewhere. I turned around and saw my dad. I was a bit shocked but he seemed so nonchalant about being there so I calmed down and thought that maybe I had imagined his death and everything.... *sigh*

And then I'm in my house and it is stacked to the roof with stuff.. some in boxes, most not.  And now I'm getting desperate to get rid of them. I have all this stuff from everyone else that I need to get out but I'm not sure how. I remember about four or five stacked mattresses and telling someone to please just take it all away. 

And, while I'm panicking about this.... I retreat back to my aunt's place which is empty and warm and a happy place for me. But I'm not happy because I know I'm just running away from what I have to do.

And that's when I woke up at 4am and managed to spill boiling hot water all over myself and now have a burn wound all across my stomach. Lesson learned eh?

Yeah, yeah.
We'll see.

xx

~anib

Issues much?

So it's been a bit of a weird week. I've been busy and bored and very tired and a little happy.
Weird hey?

My last session with the doc brought up a whole lot of stuff that I really dont want to go into. Suffice to say that I have issues (ha!). And sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you talk about the same issue, it still remains an issue. But basically, deep deep deep down, I still assume that I'm this really horrible person that doesn't deserve a whole lot of good stuff. So I will either self sabotage a good thing or run after bad things. It's a skill I really dont want anymore.

The details of the last week are blurry.. I did a few fun things. I tried some things out of my comfort zone and then retreated into my cave for a while. I took my mom out for supper which was a nice thing to do. And I reconnected with an old online friend. Things are fine.

But, more than anything, I'm still pissed off at a small thing that's been happening. The stupid guy has been sending me these very passive aggressive and condescending emails and whatsapp messages. Stupid troll. I can see right through it but it still makes me really mad.  Like REALLY mad. One of the things I've learned from doc is that I do not know how to deal with anger. I take it all inside and beat myself up endlessly for things that other people do. I know... I know. It doesn't make sense but I feel like a dumbass. *shakes head at self*

I guess this is part of the reason why I'm so exhausted all the time. My mind runs a million miles a minute... it never rests. I worry about everyone and everything.... except me.

*breathes*

And on we go...

~anib

Working it out

So a few things have been happening and I've been dying to write them down... but I'm also so overwhelmed by all the things going on in my brain that I dont really know where to start.

I guess I'll start with my last doc appointment where we talked about the "man-child". And boy, was it a tough discussion. I'm  a teeny tiny bit defensive about the whole situation because, well, I'm being a bloody idiot but I feel like I dont really have much of a choice. For reasons of modesty (and embarrasment), I wont go into all the details here but I decided to just let go of that whole relationship. No drama, no messy breakup, no awkward facebook posts (ok, I had a few but give me a break). I'm just walking away.

Of course, I had already booked a weekend away at a party so I went along to the party with him, hoping we could keep our distance and do our own thing. Well (surprise!) that didnt work out at all. It was an utter disaster. But, this time, it was because I actually put my foot down about things that I wanted to do. But he still dragged me into things I didnt want to do... and dictated for me what a "fun time" was. Apparently this included climbing/hiking up a mountain in sandles in 30C heat. Oh wait... he then said afterwards that he did it for me because I needed it. Because I'm fat. Obviously. Well thank you, you little passive aggressive shit.

But otherwise, I'm ok. :)

Letting go

Talking about hideous body, during my doc appointment, the gym issue did come up and I did feel like I didnt really have any excuse to not go anymore. I actually liked going to gym but I was always tired and/or busy. Once I got rid of the man-child and his time and energy (and money! grr!!) wasting ways, I had more space to go to gym again. 

I had the best intentions... really. I walked in on Monday evening and went to weigh myself. I almost cried. I was back to where I was when I started last year. I basically lost and gained 10kg in a year. F***. I went upstairs to start walking and all the machines were busy... so I literally tossed in the towel and stormed back home... in a hell of a storm that just happened to hit Cape Town that minute. Like, really universe?? Thanks for nothing!

I got home safe and sound.... but my mom was petrified of the thunder and lightning and had switched off all the electricity. So I went into my other job - mom caretaker. I love my mom. I feel guilty for neglecting her the last couple of weeks while gallivanting with the man-child but I do the best that I can. I will try to be better. I also realised that her birthday falls on the six month anniversary of my dad's passing. So... it's going to be a rough month ahead.

On Tuesday night, I decide to try gym again. I decided to go to the yoga class because yoga is manageable and it's a class so there should be space. I got there a minute or two before the class and felt a bit intimidated by the people already in the class. They were already sitting in the proper yoga sitting pose. I couldnt handle the competition (yes, really) so off I went to find a walking machine. I did about half an hour and went home. It's good enough for a start.

I will have to think some more about the things that happened today before I can blog about it but I'm happy that I feel loved by a few good friends. We all show love in different ways. My problem is that I try to find love in all the wrong places when I should just accept the love that I already have. I realised today that I'm not as stupid or unlovable as I thought I was.

I also have really been through a lot. So I should probably give myself a break.

And... I really should be enough. :)

Enough

~anib

Brave thing

So I think I did a brave thing on Monday... I asked for help.

At first, it was just a little tweet sent out early on Monday morning.
You know how you sometimes just send out tweets without thinking... kinda hoping that no one sees but you just have to spit it out? Yeah, well... I really didnt expect anyone to see this tweet:
"Maybe I need help #depression"
People saw.
And people helped.
Thank you people. :)

So I did the next logical thing and found a doc and saw him the same day. It was good. I was given permission to grieve the many losses I have experienced in the last year. And some that I thought I was already over. Our brains are funny things. Regardless, I am giving myself a break and going to really take care of myself. Really. Kinda. Maybe.

The first step is getting some proper sleep and dreaming again. He is interested in dreams and working with the unconscious which makes my hippy heart very happy. And he doesn't like using medication which also makes me happy because I really dont do zombie very well. Oh and he's kinda cute. So that helps.

Otherwise, I'm still doing stupid shit... wasting money... worrying about everyone else too much.
I miss my friend Yvette. I really do. I've been sick.. and mentally down for a while now so I've chosen to stay away because she needs happy vibes and I aint got much of those these days.
I worry about my mom.. I think she is also depressed but... I dont know how to help her.
I worry about work... it's complicated.

And I've decided... to blog more.
So.... hi.
And um... bye for now.

xx
~anib

Heart rocks

I once found a heart shaped rock on a beach. Without a moment's hesitation, I immediately gave it away to my boyfriend at the time. I wrote something like "forever yours" on it. Because that's what I believe(d?): when you love and care about someone, it's enough and it lasts forever.

Yes, you may laugh now. :)

So I've learned a bit since then.... oh, how I've learned about love. The short version is: I know nothing.


I've tried my best to be a good friend, daughter, sister, wife, girlfriend, lover, f*** buddy (ahem. no judgies.). But apparently, I suck at all relationships. *insert self pity here*
No, really. Nothing has worked out for me.

I really dont get why... but I'm trying to fix it. I'm sorta getting into a new relationship (yes, it's always complicated and no, it's not "official"). I'm trying to finally learn from my mistakes. I'm trying not to figure out the ending before I've started. I'm trying to listen more and talk less. I'm trying to do things on my own first and not expect things. I'm going to ask for what I want. I'm trying.

Because... while I do give away my heart very easily, I do still need and want to be loved in return. I am tired of feeling not good enough for the very best attention. I need to walk away from people who dont have time for me, who actually care when I've broken a nail (or, you know, attend my dad's funeral and visit me in hospital *cough*). People who can look me in the eyes and tell me I'm doing something stupid and who love me anyway when I'm doing something stupid. I'm not even sure if that's too much to ask but I have now "walked away". Being alone is a humbling experience. I'm trying to find the potential for better things. It's taking time.


A few months after I found my first heart rock that I gave away, I found a smaller one that I kept for myself. It was supposed to inspire me to love myself more.. to expect better of me and the people around me. I think it's inspired me to freeze my heart and make it unbreakable. Mission almost accomplished.

But I'm going to persevere and try again.
Cause I need love.
We all do, I guess.

But this will be the last time.
(Yes, you may laugh now.)

~anib

This is it

This is the part where I tell you about my lovely trip overseas and how wonderful and refreshed I feel.
This is the part where I tell you I followed my heart and it didnt get broken again.
This is the part where I tell you being back home feels great and I cant wait to get back into my old life.
This is the part where I tell you I missed my friends a lot and they missed me.

But it isn't.

The trip was ok... there were beautiful moments, moments of tears and laughter... but it was long and challenging too.
My heart didn't get broken but it did get a little hurt. I wanted more.
And home feels like a foreign place. Cape Town is cold and unfriendly.
My friends feel.... distant. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe it's too soon. It's probably me.

And then life.. and Death... relentlessly takes its toll.
Another death this week. Not enough life...
I am sad today.
It is too much.

Dear 32

It's one month to go before my 33rd birthday.
Before this year gets any worse, I have to say this:
Dear 32... you've been a bit shit.

It actually started off ok. I had a great birthday party last year. It was fun and silly and filled with pink girliness. I had a long table of friends there... but I'm not friends with a lot of those people today. That was mostly my choice but still. I'm not sure I want to have another party this year. I dont really feel close to many people at the moment. I think I've just retreated into my own shell and given up. I hope the feeling passes soon. I've done the ice queen thing... and blue is just not my colour.

ice queen by ~rainbow-art

And then I was in this long distance/complicated "relationship" that was just a huge waste of time and money. I had a couple of cool experiences (yay trance parties!) but I spent an inordinate amount of money on someone that couldn't even say he wanted to be with me. No one else to blame here... I'm just a needy, sad idiot. I may have had enough of throwing myself at people that actually dont really love me. I certainly hope so. 

Work was also so very busy. I was challenged in so many ways and asked to step up my game beyond what I wanted for myself. I am exhausted. And I'm still not sure where I want to go and what I want to be. It's complicated. :/

And then... this horrible month of June. My father has been sick for such a long time... so I'm sort of relieved that he is now in peace. At least I hope he is... I just dont really know how to deal with this death shit. More than that, I have to now take care of my mom. I feel decidedly unprepared and incapable. I despise this whole grown-up crap.

I have had some amazing people in my life and I am grateful for every kindness shown. But I still feel this cold, gnawing loneliness. This deep despair that I've fucked things up beyond repair. That I will never have a sense of peace and happiness. Maybe I need to just give myself a break.

So basically I think I'm just tired. I have no big plans for the month ahead... I just want to keep my head down and avoid life for a bit longer. The only interesting thing this past year was meeting with Rod Suskin. He did warn me that nothing would happen in my 30's. So I guess I just need to hang in there... and wait till the fabulous 40's.

Right now....

Baby

meh.

~ani