Butterflies eat shit

Today I learned that butterflies eat shit.... and dead things and sweat and urine and so much more. Urgh! What horrible little creatures. And yet..... no one thinks that. They're still beautiful creatures, loved by all. Hmm....

I've also identified with the butterfly because I was struggling so much with escaping from my (mostly) self imposed cocoon. After my divorce, I felt like I was pushing against everything people told me I was and tried to define my own place in the world. I dressed differently (brighter!), spoke differently (louder!), acted differently (funny, sarcastic, cheeky, flirty).

A lot of this behaviour, I had the privilege of practicing on the old StumbleUpon forums. I practiced being bitchy, nice, sexy, weird, spiritual, dark and everything inbetween. I believe that a few people thought I was being fake. I was really just trying to figure out who I was.

I still am, I guess. But now I know that all these "faces" are mine. I am all these things and more... and the darkness is a part of that too. Thankfully, it's not a big part anymore but having a dark side doesn't take away from the other good stuff. Also, I should probably stop labelling everything good/bad. It just is.

At least I dont eat shit like those butterflies.
Ok. I also need to give up the judgement thing.

Baby steps. :)

~anib

A long time ago

a long long time ago in a place called stumbleupon (SU), i was given a platform for the first time in my life to express myself creatively without any limits. i used to blog, write, collect images.. and make music videos. i also went by my "real name": anitab. 

this was on purpose. 

(this was also way before social media and companies checking your online activities.)

the purpose was, and always has been, to find anitab.

a fun little part of SU was our avatars. i used to change my avatar almost daily to reflect a current mood or another side of me. it became a "thing". it became something important to me. 

each and every one of my "avatar girls" became a part of me.

as i embraced their beauty, their quirkiness.... 

i started embracing mine.

these videos were compiled from all the pics of my "avatar girls". 

there are many children in these images. and many grown woman yearning for love. 

and lots of butterflies and bubbles and pink and hearts.

 and babies. 

and eyes. 

and sadness.

these videos still bring me to tears because they meant so much to me at the time. 

and, i guess.. they still do.

i guess i'm still looking.

and, i guess...

i still dont see.

i can smile a little when i look back today, though.

so many of the things i wanted for myself have come true.

i really do have some amazing friends.

there are people that "see" me.

i can dance with abandon.

i have great clothes and play with fashion.

i dyed my hair blue and purple.

i recovered from heartbreak.

barely.

that was the last video i created. 

my editing got a little better... and i got a little bit more hopeful about my future.

at first the butterflies seemed to be my way out and help me escape from the pain and sadness.

by the end, it seemed like the butterflies gave me more power to just be.

i dont have a conclusion...

yet...

other than this has been going on for a long time.

and long enough.

i'm tired of being sad.

good night.

~anib

Zen and the art of cutting

Memories are funny things. And good intentions are supposed to be good things. And the universe, sometimes, has a pretty weird sense of humour. Such is life.

So a friend of mine is getting married on my wedding day. Well, my ex-wedding day. But still. It matters. To me. I think. I'm not sure if it should... but it does... sorta. I think? *sigh* This is my brain at the moment. Sorry.

ANYway... so I offered to help her with some things and I landed up cutting paper butterflies. Yay butterflies! 2013 was the year of the butterfly for me personally (for many reasons) but I haven't yet turned into a butterfly. I have my moments but the butterfly is still really important to me and I am working really hard on blossoming into one (so to speak).

So... I start losing myself in cutting up the tiny paper butterflies and my mind wanders to weddings and love and romance and I try to steer my head back into the here and now ... and then Alanis Morisette comes on the playlist. Oh come on, universe. Really?!

Nothing takes me back to the icky times in my life than old Alanis. My ex-husband and I used to do mix tapes (oh 90's i miss you) for each other when we were dating  and one of the songs I put on a tape for him was "Head over Feet."

You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that.....
You've already won me over in spite of me. And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet....
I've never felt this healthy before. I've never wanted something rational

That was my "declaration of love." That was me, in all of my vulnerability, saying "I love you - Please love me back." That was me being certain... being so very careful with my heart and then being so very sure that this was "it" and handing it over. And I was wrong. (As an aside, that was also me having very low standards. Ha. #regret )

It's so very easy getting angry at "the other" in a relationship. He did many things wrong. But I did too. I made mistakes. I was wrong. And that's a bitter (and jagged!) little pill to swallow sometimes.

I made a mistake then. I'm not sure if the mistake was to trust him or to let myself fall in love so ridiculously that I lost all sense of myself. Would anyone have been able to stop that? Was the whole relationship a mistake or did I learn something from it? Some days... I'm not sure if much has changed.

I had all of this is swirling around in my head as I carried on delicately cutting up tiny paper butteflies. All the ups and downs were going on in my head... from regret to pain to sweet nostalgia... but none of it actually changed my reality. I am here because of all that happened in my past. All those experiences (bad and good) are part of me and who I am today.

So enough of regret. And enough of punishing myself for being me, when I really didnt know any better.

Sometimes I worry that my feelings will overwhelm me so I try not to get into the sads. But I'm still ok. I felt all the feels... and life went on.

Life is weird. Good intentions are still good. And memories are still funny things.
But life goes on regardless of your mistakes.

Mistakes happen and the only thing you can do is learn from them and enjoy the weird, lovely, funny experiences along the way.
I need to be a little kinder to myself.
And remind myself that it's ok to be human.... with a butterfly heart. :)

~anib

Fight or Flight

A (long?) while ago I wrote a post about how I wanted to fly far away. 

I still want to run away sometimes... but I know that I've become stronger by staying and "fighting" another day. At the moment, I seem to be fighting my inner negative critical voice. She's a toughie.... but with some help from the doc, I'm at least starting to hear her.

The next step is to fight back... I'm working on it.

I'm being taught how to be quiet and spend time alone and just listen. In the quiet times, I often get angry and sad .. feelings that I'm not comfortable with at all. But I am trying to welcome them and let them flow. Because I really cant keep trying to ignore them.

It's time to let it flow. 

  

For a long time, I was a mermaid... submerging myself and all my emotions under a sea of relative safety. Only the very brave would find me in the depths and try to bring me out. There is also the romantic idea that I dont belong in this world... that this world was not meant for me. It was my safety mechanism to believe that I didnt need to be an active participant in this life. It was easier to be a victim.

For the last year, I've become attached to the metaphor of the butterfly.Butterflies are beautiful and free to fight or flight with utter grace. But they have lots of work to do in order to get to that stage. No one admires the caterpillar or sees their struggles before they become butterflies.

At Afrikaburn, I was a butterfly but my real inner struggles came after the party in the desert. My struggles continue. And, while I admire the butterfly and aspire to its freedom... I have a long way to go. 

So I'm not going to wish I could fly away anymore. I'm going to fight it out as a caterpillar on the ground. 

But the butterfly's time is coming. 

See you in the skies. 

:)

 

~anib

The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 


Good night, lovelies.
xx

~anib