Annie, are you OK?

This week.... what a fucking rollercoaster. I was majorly pissed off that I didn't get to see my therapist last week but I just kept bottling up my feelings of anger until I exploded and almost fucked up a really important relationship to me. I really hate it when I do that. And I do it a lot.

Before the explosion, I felt this song pretty deeply. I could actually listen to Adele forever on repeat... but it's probably not healthy for me. Still.... the river lea is strong with me. 

Everybody tells me it's 'bout time that I moved on

And I need to learn to lighten up and learn how to be young

But my heart is a valley, it's so shallow and man made

I'm scared to death if I let you in that you'll see I'm just a fake

Sometimes I feel lonely in the arms of your touch

But I know that's just me cause nothing ever is enough

And all these feelings kept swirling around my head and I just could not find a way to express them. 

I kept saying "never mind" when asked about it. 

And, I think, the best thing I heard all week was: I mind. *mind blown*

And this was the second best thing I heard.... <3 p="">

Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK,?
Are you OK, Annie?

Guys... I am so ok. I'm loved and liked and more than tolerated by some really special people... even when I'm being a bitchy stupid emo drama princess. 

Like how did I even get that lucky? 

Ja. It's been a flippen journey. 

#blessed

~anib

The tree in the forest

Last night, the tourist posed that question to me about the tree in the forest in one of our many many engaging conversations. I cant remember the context, really, but I can remember my unspoken thought: if I cant see it, it didnt happen. Some times I can be very literal (#injoke).

Something happened to him earlier that day and I had joked that I wouldn't believe him if he didnt have pictures. Pics or it didnt happen is basically the millennial version of the tree in the forest question.

 And while struggling today to come to terms with the fact that he has now left the country (2 hours ago or so), and then trying to summarise my emotions in an appropriate, but not too sad, facebook and/or twitter post.... I came up with: "If it's not seen or heard or spoken, did it really happen?" Which I didn't post, of course, because no one likes vague booking.

 But the sad realisation is that, for me, external validation is everything. If my thoughts aren't vocalised or expressed in some way and has some kind of feedback, positive or negative, I dont feel like they're real or worthy of anything. And that really sucks, on multiple levels.

Firstly, it makes me super addicted to all kinds of social media. I am not so proudly aware that I'm on at least ten active websites... the excuse is that I spread myself around so I dont become "too much". But I am "too much" or, more honestly, I actually feel "not enough". For many of these profiles, it's not really about the validation. Sometimes I just want the chance to see my thoughts written so that it feels real. Just thinking them is not enough...

Secondly, it makes me very vulnerable to manipulative people. I hope I've had enough of these types of people and I've become better at just not engaging with them anymore. But it's still difficult to walk away and not feel guilty that I cant save everyone.

And thirdly... man oh man do I worry a lot about what other people think. I sort of hoped that I would grow out of this by 35 but it's a pretty stubborn belief. I've learned to stop caring what random strangers think about me... but it's still important to me that I dont look like too much of an idiot to the people I know.

The only good thing is that I'm aware of all of this now.

And with all of that... I still have to somehow document how important the tourist was to me. There are very few people in the world that I can spend so many days with and not get bored. He's one of the easiest people to talk to and super nice, funny-ish (I was teaching him to be funny :P) and pretty smart too.

He was also pretty intuitive and an excellent listener. I will miss everything that he taught me about myself in a very mischievous way. His very sarcastic and teasing sense of humour helped me to look at some things that I didn't really want to look at. But I'm learning... and I'm grateful for the mirror. Also... literally. (#injoke)

Anyway... I will miss you, tourist.... until we meet again.
Toda raba.
Shalom.
xx

 ~anib

Spotlight

Well, I don’t like living under your spotlight

Just because you think I might find somebody worthy oh oh oh

Well, I don’t like living under your spotlight

Baby if you treat me right, you won’t have to worry

I was on a boat on the Vaal River in Sasolburg when I decided that this was the song. This was the song that said it all. This was the reason I left my marriage in 2008. This was what I didn't want anymore: to be in someone's shadow.

But, for some reason, I did it again... and again.
The truth is, I'm petrified of the spotlight.

Spot light by leepro

There's an element of laziness to it. It's easier to hide in the shadows.
There's definite fear. Putting yourself "out there" means you could get hurt.
There's a clear anxiety that I'll make mistakes and everyone will then know I'm not perfect. OMG...!

*breathes*

But still...
I keep trying.
I keep demanding and wanting more.
Despite the fear, I keep fighting for my piece.
I want my light.. and not just a moment.
I want a place and I want it all.

ani plays model

Well... Saturday was fun. :)
I was invited by a friend to model for the Cape Town Photography Meetup organised by Jürgen's Photography.
Initially, I balked at the idea.
I have a teeny tiny bit of an exhibitionist side.. but it's often overwhelmed by my deeply insecure side.
Insecure-ani had a field day...
"What will I wear?" "How do I fix my hair?" "My eyebrows are hideous!" "The pictures are going to suck.. they're going to hate me" etc etc... ad NAUSEAUM!
I don't like insecure-ani.
But I'm becoming quite good at putting that bitch in her place.. ;)

Anyway, my friend assured me that the photographers were only interested in lighting and composition... and had very little interest in the emotional wellbeing of the model. With my fagile, but quite oversized ego crushed and then firmly put in its place.. I decided to just go ahead and try it.
I got my eyebrows waxed (aside: remind me to write a rant about that barbaric process), put on my new favourite hat to hide my hair and took the LONG but really lovely drive to Hout Bay. (Another aside: I LOVE Cape Town. Truly, truly... the most beautiful city in the world!)

Ok.. so.. long story short.. here are the pics.
And here are some of my personal favourites (of me, of course ;P):

Jason
Andre

AJ

Nick

Tatum

Wilfried

Well, I'm very happy with all the pics.. thank you to all the photographers.
And... I'm very proud of me.
*goofy grin*