Good news

I need some good news
Sittin' here, sippin' on cold truth
Nobody knows what I'm goin' through
Bet the devil wouldn't walk in my shoes

Wish someone told me
Livin' this life would be lonely
Tryna get away from the old me
Still stuck singin' these blues

All I really need is a little good news

- Shaboozey 2024

2025 has been 2025-ing. We seem to be descending quickly into facism and late stage capitalism is killing our collective will to live. It's hard to wake up every day and be bombarded with genocide, femicide, transphobia and general wtf-ery. The horrors persist, but so do we.

Somehow, in all of this (gestures wildly), I found the strength and energy to go to "the Outside". I went to the AfrikaBurn Decompression party. We haven't had an official Decompression since pre-Covid days.... so this one was special. We also had it at the Castle of Good Hope which was a challenge for many people but it also really important to reclaim that space. And the weirdos won again. I'm so proud!

I decided to dress up in ridiculousness because, why not?! The thing with dress up is that although it's just a costume, it does become a part of you. I was so afraid that I had lost a piece of me that was silly and frivolous and all I had left was an empty hard shell. But the mask melted away quickly and I was able to access a part of me that had been hidden for a while.

I have been feeling a little isolated and alone and have been afraid that this was just the way things were going to be. I was starting to get worried that my fluffy heart had frozen up and would never break out of its cage again. Would I just continue to talk in mixed up metaphors about better times? Well, fear not.... I'm almost back to me(ish). :-P

I was so impressed with the variety of music, the variety of humans and, more importantly, the kindness of strangers. Man, but I really love to dance. We have so much talent in this country. I was so proud. And I had so much fun! Burners just have a whole different vibe. My favourite people are still trancers, but burny trancers are the most FUN!

Anyway, it was a great day to reconnect with new and old friends and I treasured the special moments of human interaction. I know.... I suprised myself! Although (some) people can be mean, it really is a beautiful thing when they decide to be their better selves. Self included! (Note to Self!)

And talking on better people.... Ah Cyndi Roberts. 

It's been so difficult to deal with such a huge loss to the trance, burner and festival community. She wasn't just this or that... she was home to so many people. She created her own space, she made space for others, she gave and gave generously. She was tough but fair. She was beautiful and funny and smart and kind. She fed us and kept us on our toes. She worked so hard. She was loved so very much and we will miss her but never forget.

It was so beautiful to attend her memorial service and various "after tears" events. We laughed and cried and laughed some more. We burned a few things and ate and drank. And now we need to carry on living and loving each other. Because this is what we do. And this is why we do it.

Anyway. It was good to share the space with the bestest weirdos. 

It reminded me why love and friendship is so important. I am so thankful.

In between all of this, there was a birthday that I largely ignored. I wont be doing that again but I did need the little me-time to absorb all these re-learnings. Let's celebrate more things together. This is why we do it.  

Love n stuff. But mostly love.

xx

~anib

Mid winter

It's so cold in Cape Town. It feels like it's been freezing since March. But we've just come out of mid-winter so.... here's hoping it gets warmer soon (but not too soon because we do still need the rain in Cape Town).

So of course I decided to spend this last weekend camping. In a hurricane. For fun. Issues, much? Well yeah, but it was actually fun, after I got over the anxiety of dying in a hurricane. Anyway, vortex was an interesting and wonderful experience for lots of reasons. I got to actually work at a party for the first time ever - like free entrance and meal tickets kind of work. Next level! Also, the hurricane scared off the two humans that hate me right now so I could just relax at the party.

It also felt really great being part of the flow arts group again. It felt nice being part of *a* group, I guess. But I did end up spending most of the party alone... which I really dont mind and enjoyed. I also spent most of the party sober which was great because I remember all the connections that I had with everyone. It was a really nice feeling. Adulting-ish, evens.

I had a similar experience at Afrikaburn this year. I camped with D-Camp with some friends and lots of new people that became friends. And I was also mostly soberish.... so was pretty myself and enjoyed the time with others and on my own. Lucky me.

But this year has been a little challenging with relationships and friendships. I've been trying to be more honest and vulnerable and it doesn't always work out the way I would like. But things are actually ok... friend wise. I have enough.

I just wish that I could get a handle on finances and move forward to building something and not just paying off kak. So far, I'm worried about my car, my mom's house, my chimney, security.... and like food, electricity and black tights (impossible to find! urgh!!).

But everything is actually fine.
And Good.
Enough.
xx

~anib

Post Therapy thoughts

I had about a three week break from my therapist...  with public holidays and afrikaburn and life getting in the way. So it was nice going back yesterday... but also.... sigh. I'm so tired of my stuff.

I've been with Dr H since November 2012... almost five years. Geez. What an adventure. But he's been truly amazing... and I'm more than a little heartbroken that he'll be leaving the country at the end of August. Like actually a lot heartbroken. Devastated even.

I've had many therapists but he's been truly close to my heart. He challenges me and supports me in so many ways. And he sort of gets some of my ani-isms and calls me out on my bullshit. I'm interviewing a few new doctors this week but I actually really dont want to right now. I dont know.... I'll see how I feel after those appointments.

One of the things we discussed yesterday was my extreme jealousy of love and relationships... and how I take it out on my close friends. I really dont like that person that I become but it feels so overwhelming and impossible to control. I really feel like it will hurt my close friendships but I dont see any way of dealing with it. So I try to deal with it by being as honest as possible without hurting other people too much.

I just really do feel dead inside... I dont think I have the capacity or ability to love again. And that scares me but I dont know how to fix it.

I also spoke about afrikaburn and how lonely I felt. Ironic, because I know that I isolated myself among 13,000 people. There were moments where I enjoyed the quiet alone time but there are also questions about why I run away from any kind of intimacy. As I so eloquently put yesterday, if I see lightning strike in the middle of the desert but no one else is there to experience it with me, is it still a valid experience?

Anyway. My best friend is leaving Cape Town again. My therapist is leaving. And I feel completely and utterly alone in the world. Again.

Bleh.
xx

September 2016

I missed my September blog post. There's no reason, really, other than I've been occupied with lots of thoughts and things... but not enough for a coherent blog post.

So here's a random summary of September, without getting too deep into thoughts and feelings.

The month started with a trip to Citrusdal for an Afrikaburn type party. I wanted to "test drive" my chill area idea at trance parties and did a fully psychedelic chill area with decor from Luminos. It was lovely but didn't really fit in and I felt a little defeated. I mostly got over myself and hung out with my DPW friends and then cheered myself with a longer route home through the west coast. It was ok but I doubt that I'd attend again.

The weekend after that I attended Wolfkop for the first time as a thank you gift from Afrikaburn for my volunteer work. I'll admit that I really didn't even feel that I belonged there, but I made a nice chill space for people and tried my best to fit in. I also felt very intimidated by all the very very pretty people at that party and, really, the only thing that I dance to was Mafikzolo's song "Meet me at the River."  The rest of the music was this down tempo house techno crap that I just could not....

Anyway, it was a pretty place and the Afrikaburn people are always.... entertaining. I also got bitten so badly by mosquitoes so that sucked a little. I also took some leave from work because things were complicated and I was feeling really depressed and tired and... gatvol. :(

Two weeks after that, I attended Earthdance for just the Sunday. That was also a little different to normal as I went with some friends in the back of a bakkie and without all my "things." I tried to let go but I was a little worried. I also got fat shamed on the dancefloor which significantly affected my ability to "let go" and just have fun. That sucked.

So I dont know... I didnt enjoy it that much, I guess. Although I was really surrounded by an army of awesome people that really loved me. And I missed that scene a lot... so much so that I was overcome by emotion as I hit the dancefloor. It's a weird thing, these trance parties. So much shit goes on sometimes... but it's still such a place for growth for me. Still learning... still growing.

And this past weekend, I decided to attend an ecstatic dance class.... which was super weird and interesting and probably good for me. Still undecided about that whole thing, tbh. And then I attended the hoop day celebrations which was fun and playful and definitely good for me. And yesterday, I started painting the side wall. I want to make an ocean effect as I drive in. Heh. Cant wait to see this done.... although today, my back is PAINFULLY sore.

Totes worth it. :)

 Along the way, there have been some personal issues that I'm still dealing with. Once I've figured it all out, I'll post something more coherent and personal here. For now, I am just really grateful for friends that really listen and a therapist that helps me move forward.

Onwards!

~anib

What is home

Apparently this week's new moon is in Cancer... which is all about home, whether that means physically, spiritually or emotionally. Ah Home. Where art thou?

I've always struggled with finding a place where I feel completely at home - whether that is with friends or family or society in general. I've always felt like I've never fit in anywhere.

I do have a sense of family with my trance community but it's mostly limited to the party events. There are very few that translate to my real world and that's ok with me, I suppose. I've had a few work colleagues that I've felt "at home" with but, at the moment, I dont have that feeling.

I also dont get that family feeling from Afrikaburn friends. I admire many of the people that work and play in that space, but it's not the same kind of feeling for me. However I do feel like the place is a great space for me to explore my space in the world. There is something special that I get from being there that I cant really define or explain. It's challenging for me on many levels.... and I feel like it helps.... something.

So one of the projects from Afrikaburn 2016 was this very simple place where you just wrote and shared your story. My very simplified story is here on This I Confess, It's a rough description of the way I felt when I left my husband and the life that I felt I was "supposed to lead." It's still a work in progress, of course.

Because I also wrote this....

This I Confess - Short Confessions

It's actually from a song lyric from Adele's All I Ask. I still have Adele on repeat and that lyric still makes me quiver. Because.. what if that's it? Sigh.
I just found it really sweet that this was one of the few cards that people decided to respond to. So maybe there's hope. :)

I try not to think about it too much... but having a someone to come "home" to, is something I really miss. I know I'm a better person when I can share and give love... and I feel rather empty without this in my life. It just makes me sad that I cant find someone.... and someone cant find me.

This is why I listen to sad music....

Yep.

I also saw this quote today.... and I'm just going to sit with it....

“I want to know if you've touched the center of your own sorrow, if you've been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.” ― Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Because some days... like today... I feel shriveled up and closed. I just told my friend G that my life feels like I'm watching a movie. I feel happy and sad and joy and everything.... but deep down I know it's not all real.
How fucked up is that shit?

Maybe it's just one of those days.
Bleh.

xx
~anib

Something about May

Cape Town in May by AJ Venter

There is something about Cape Town in May
When you hardly get a sunny day
But everyone you get, is the reason why you stay.

There is something about Cape Town in Winter
When the day is a small, short toffee center
wrapped in a long night’s splendor.

There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth
and nothing can get to me or cause me any harm.

May. Post Afrikaburn depression.... Mid-Autumn depression.... Death anniversaries... the start of the mid year slump .... and no fucking cuddle buddy again this year. Fun.

So, yes. Afrikaburn was lovely this year. I slept a lot, met so many interesting people and actually relaxed and had a sober(ish) fun time with real friends. I'm lucky and grateful for that. I still dont know why I go though.... but I do. And it helps..... something.

It's getting colder and darker in Cape Town. And while it's been lovely having an excuse to stay home and watch crappy movies, I do miss people and sun and parties.... sometimes.

And then death. Blah. Dad's death anniversary is tomorrow. 2012 feels like a lifetime ago at times. And, at other times, well... all the feels. At least I'm better than I was back then. Four years of radical self improvement, including four burns and countless trance parties and clown training and many many hours of therapy. God, I cant wait until therapy tomorrow.

But I'm better. At least I can acknowledge today that I am angry and sad and jealous.

And then there's boys and the distinct lack of action. I got kissed at Afrikaburn (not romantically though) but the idea was there and it was fun. And now I'm in the mood for it.... but not for relationships. I think. Maybe. I dont know.

Still, being around other relationships is making me feel grumpy and unhappy and inadequate. And that sucks. Fun.

Ok. I've got nothing more to add to this. I will talk about it in therapy tomorrow.

~anib

afrikaburn 2015

First time I'm doing the whole burn... and with some organised people. Could be the best one yet. :)

Blog Challenge - Day 10 to 13 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

10. Post your favorite movies that you never get sick of watching

The Wizard of Oz - life lessons every single time I watch this. "You had it all along, Dorothy."

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind - super romantic to think that someone would never forget you. 

Bridesmaids - stupid funny. 

11. Write something someone told you about yourself that you will never forget (good or bad)
"You are awe-ful." as in awe-inspiring. heh. 

"You have nice child bearing hips." and yet he never wanted kids with me. 

"You're very brave."

12. What are your top 3 pet peeves?

stupidity.

arrogance.

rudeness.

13. What is the best (or your favorite) moment(s) in 2013

oooo... Afrikaburn and the magic around getting my ticket, getting there, being there, butterflies (!) and my life afterwards. Got retrenched (which was a huge blessing in disguise) on the day I got back and got two great jobs after that. Makes me a bit nervous about Afrikaburn 2014, to be honest, because it wont have the same magic. So I'm still undecided about going again. We shall see. 

~anib

The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 


Good night, lovelies.
xx

~anib

The boy fast

I went shopping earlier today, trying a whole bunch of clothes in different shops. I haven't really done that in ages and it was fun. I'm not the easiest person to shop for because I'm not a small girl but as I tried on the clothes, I had some new thoughts in my head. Instead of thinking, "well it fits so I guess I should take it", I started asking myself  "do i really like this?", "does it flatter me?" and even "does this make me happy?". I never used to ask questions like that... in any area of my life.


So, for the last couple of months, I've been on a "Boy Fast" of sorts. Although I haven't been in a "real" relationship for years , I haven't exactly been alone. I fell into these relationships that were not really relationships, and got myself tangled up into all kinds of emotional drama. I didn't feel like I was hurting anyone (including myself)... until I decided to fall head over heels in stupid love with Mr T.

So apparently when I fall in love... and it's not reciprocated... I get mad and then sad... and then decide to stay away from boys completely. I cant explain why this one was different to all the others. My therapist blames the daddy issues. I cant deny that. But whatever the reason, I was addicted to this man. And I loved it.... needed it... wanted it.

It wasn't meant to be, however, but it did teach me an important lesson: I want to fall in love, be in love... and really want and need to feel loved in return. So I decided that I had had enough of crumbs and wanted something more. And so I waited to see what the universe would throw at me next.

It didn't take too long for another guy to show some interest (even though it was erratic). But I was proud that, for the first time, I didn't jump right in but, instead, decided to stop and ask some important questions like "do I really like him?", "is this what I really want?" and....  "does this make me happy?"

The answers were not easy to face and I realised that part of my problem was this fear of letting go in case... this was "it". What if no one better came along? What if I never get to have the family I want? What if I didn't really deserve the best? 

I've (felt like I've) never had the pleasure of a choice in men. I've always just kinda waited for someone to notice me and show me some attention. And then I would be whatever they wanted me to be. I guess it's pretty obvious why my relationships don't work out.

It's taken me a very long time to see this part of me. I haven't written about my Afrikaburn experience yet but it was a big step forward for me in terms of finding my own "space'. My intention was to turn into a butterfly which, for me, means becoming more of who I really am. And maybe I haven't figured it all out yet but I'm starting to realise what I dont want. And that's at least a good step forward.

So, with all the love and support of my new friends... I am exploring me and decided to rather not engage with men until I am strong enough to be my own person. My dear friend Manni wrote about part of my story here, saying "If her sabbatical from dating was the reason she'd become a lotus flower, then I was in desperate need of the recipe." 

And I do feel good. Better. But I guess it's always easy when you dont have temptation... ;) But, even after rejecting the last little temptation, I do still sit up sometimes at night and worry.

I worry sometimes that I wont feel that crazy love again for someone else. 
I worry that I'm too this or that for anyone to really love the real me.
I worry that my heart could go cold and I could forget moments like this... 
"There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth"
From Cape Town in May by silentcoder

I worry that I wont find "me".
I worry that I will.

So with all of that going on in my head... who's got time for boys....! 

~anib