Two years an Orphan

 Time, hey. It's quite a thing. 

It's been two years since my mom passed away... and it's also Mother's Day. I'll be driving back from Afrikaburn (hopefully), so this is pre-prepared. 

This was the eulogy prepared by my brother which was really just so beautiful and perfect. 

It's all a lot. Love anyway. <3

~~~~

We are very fortunate.

I say this because we live in an age where we can take photos at anytime..

When I looked at the photos of Mae on my phone, the photo frames at Anita’s house, the photos in our program and in the video in the church today - I, for one, am grateful that we have so many memories captured in time.

Looking at these beautiful photos and amazing life, I wondered where do I even start?

Perhaps we start in the beginning

She was a daughter. 

A caring daughter who helped her mom as they went from one end of the world to the other. Always by her side, helping her and the family.

She was a sister. 

The oldest sister of 11 children.

She was so caring and important as a big sister, that they viewed her as a “2nd mom”. Even calling her ” sister” rather than her name as a sign of respect.

Then, while belonging to this core family, she started a family of her own.

She was a loyal wife who went through thick and thin. Sticking to my dad;s side through sickness and health. 

Then she was a mother, the best mother one could have.

Nothing was too much for Mae. Ensuring we had the best with the little we had.

Then, would you believe it, she became an ouma. 

Just like with her brothers and sisters, her children and her new daughter in law - she loved every bit of her 2 grand children. 

On top of all this:

She was a friend. 

Many times total strangers would come up to us and then they would turn out to be friend’s with Mae. Just like her family, these friends were shown respect and love.

She was an absolute sports fan. 

Any sport, any time, she would watch it and have something to say. Everything I know about tennis, cricket and football actually came from watching games with her.

Then, most importantly, she was a true disciple of God.

Not only committed to going to church every Sunday but spreading the word of God as she lived her life.

When going to church became difficult, she continued spreading the Word and Love wherever she was. 

She had the knack to take the words of God and translate it in a way that would help the person she was talking to.

But back to the photos.

I could talk for days about her character and the impact she had in our lives.

In the photos, what I see, and what I would like you to see, is the Love she had for all of us.

She was Love.

But its not just about the words “I love you”, its about her actions:

Making sure you are okay.

Making sure you were safe.

Making sure you were fed.

Nothing was ever a problem for her.

It was even how she greeted you:

“Hello Sweetie”

“Hallo Querida”

And like she Loved us, God Loved her.

She was very peaceful in her last days, surrounded by God’s Love. That in turn, surround me with peace and being grateful for the time we had.

I heard someone said “she was one of a kind”

And yes, she was.

Thank you Mae for everything.

We love you.

Fala ‘tra vez.

update on 2014

So. It's been a while.

I usually only feel like writing when I'm horribly miserable and I dont really want to explore all of those emotions publicly. I'm a little less miserable at the moment as I've been sick with some type of flu and a really bad cough for a few weeks now. But perhaps a random (and vague) catch-up of my mental state is important (at least for me).

Well nothing has changed in my personal life. In the romance field... nothing is growing. Not even a sniff of a possibility. I've sort of tried to accept that I'm actually not ready for a relationship anyway and subjecting someone to the mess that is me, at this point in my life, would be a little dangerous. But still. You know.

In the field of friendships.... I am not really trying. In fact, I seem to be pushing people away. I've written off quite a few friends over small transgressions (and some with good reason, I think). It's got more to do with me, of course, but I haven't let anyone into my circle of trust in a long time. And I really dont want to let back anyone from my past. If I've made mistakes, tough. But I do still wonder what if, maybe, but...? And that doesn't help.

I'm still a bit social in small doses... but nothing of any substance, I think. People appear to like me but, I um... am not convinced. The doc and my only close(ish) friend has reminded me on numerous occasions that the only person who doesn't like me is me. Touche.

The doc says I'm depressed and have been for a while. And here I thought, this was the happiest I've been in a while. I am actually really happy at work. And I still have a great time at trance parties (although I have cut down on this "addiction" this year). I guess I still have a shit load of unresolved issues that come up from time to time... which I'm working through... kinda. You know.

The hardest part of life at the moment is being on my own... with myself... by myself.

A friend's mother passed away recently and another friend's mother is dying from cancer. I feel like a terrible friend because I really just cant deal with things like this. I'm having dreams about my father and grandmother... and I wake up and feel like I'm mourning their loss all over again. I still dont get on with my mother which is apparently why I'm unable to make female friends. So.... there's also that. I honestly dont see any resolution in this... ever. That's pretty depressing.

Otherwise, I'm just looking forward to getting away from Cape Town over the silly season. I need a proper break away from everything. I'm always so tired over November and December and I really need to take care of myself. I'm trying. In small doses.

Hopefully next year, I will have enough money to go away on my own. For now, I just need to get better.

Toodles.

~anib

White paint

So I finally managed to finish painting our garage door. It's taken about a month because of the crappy weather in Cape Town. And procrastination. Maybe.

And memories of dad. Definitely.

There was an unspoken rule at our house: Mom ruled inside the house and Dad could do what he wanted in his garden and in his garage. After he died, the garage got dusty and the garden withered to nothing. In my little way, I'm trying to keep him alive by bringing his garden back to life and making the garage usable again. 

It's been an emotional rollercoaster.... but it's good.

Anyway, back to the garage escapade. I had no idea what I was doing but after a bit of googling, I just kinda got to it. I worked really hard on scraping off the old paint and washing it with sugar soap. When I was at the paint shop, I tried to not look like a lost lamb and didnt ask for help. So I picked up something that had a red door on it... expecting it to be red paint. Well, when I opened the paint, it was actually white. Urgh. 

I was getting upset with myself at how stupid I was but.... then I figured I must really be channelling my dad because he would've done the same thing. He didnt really plan things out carefully. He just kinda got an idea in his head and made the best of the situation. 

So, while I carried on painting the previously very red door a very glossy white... I smiled. To me, it felt like I was wiping a slate clean... making a new beginning.... bringing in light to a dark place. I could go on.. but the point is it turned out ok. Even with all the mistakes along the way, it turned out ok.

*blink*

It felt weird painting over his work. I was thinking about him doing exactly what I was doing at the time. 

In a strange way, I felt close to him. Maybe I really  was channelling him in some way... 

I guess it feels strange because I'd never felt those things before. 

Maybe.... maybe... I could still get to know him.

All I know is... I have a white wall.

And it will turn out ok.

~ anib

Not about a boy

dont give me what i want

This is not about a boy.. or a man, for that matter.
Well, in many ways, I guess it is. But not anyone that's around at the moment...

The month of March was spent running into the arms of someone that, I thought, would be the answer. The problem was, I wasn't even clear what the question was. I'm super grateful to the doc for opening my eyes to what I've actually been looking for. And how completely pointless it is looking for what I need outside of the four walls of my brain (and heart).

Not that I believe the doc, of course. Not yet, anyway. But I'm told that I'm perfectly capable of providing myself with all the love that I need. Oh, how I chuckled. ahem. But seriously.. I cant even imagine being nice to myself.. or (eww) spending time alone and being (laughs harder) happy. I will work on it, I guess. I need to find out who I am without "everything". The alternative hasn't been working out so well so I guess I dont have much of a choice here.

I guess it isn't rocket science that it all seems to come down to mommy and daddy issues. The best way that I can describe it is via an image I remember from an Oprah show (no judgies) that showed a whole bunch of tubes at different ages. This represented the love that you should've received at each age. So if you get enough love, the tube is filled up and you can give more when you're older. Apparently, I missed out on some parental love from about 10 to... um.. nowish. So I need to fill up. And am currently unable to give anything useful to anyone. *sad face*

I know that I've been looking in all the wrong places for something. I just never knew what I was looking for.. and why I was feeling so disappointed by everyone and everything. It's not everyone.. it's me. Sorry, everyone. Yes, I do feel bad for causing so much unnecessary drama. Learning to forgive myself seems to be the hardest step in moving forward. I get stuck in all the mistakes... and I dont know how to even have a normal relationship anymore. I react in a childish way when I dont get what I want because... well, I guess I'm still a child in love terms. When someone asked me the other day if I'd even been in love.. I had to give a blank stare and say "I dont know." *sigh*

So the latest "mistake" just awakened a deep desire for a connection... a desire to be wanted and adored... and taken care of. And I found myself becoming desperately needy for any kind of attention. And hating myself for it. And going back and doing it all over again. It's absolutely soul crushing. And I still cant stop it. The doc says that I need to treat this desperate need for love like an addiction.  So my plan of action is going "cold turkey" on all men and possible relationships.

"And how's that working out for you?"
Not well, doc.. not well at all.

~anib

Little Rose

Hey baby girl.
You came up the other day...
I was talking about "my story" to some new people and you briefly made an appearance.
Isn't that just so you. :P
I'm never quite sure what to say about you...
Technically, you don't exist but, to me, you changed my world.

I know why you had to go.... I wasn't ready to take care of you.
I had to learn that I was worth so much more than I was getting at the time.
If I could so easily love a speck like you, why did I not expect more from those around me?

And yet.. and yet... I miss you.
My desire for motherhood sometimes overwhelms me.
But I know.. I know... it's just not for me.
I can't expect a speck to love me, when I treat me the way I do.

So... that day is coming up. The day that a piece of both of our hearts died.
I remember everything... and feel everything I felt then, but I am saying nothing.
I dont know whether I've really learned my lesson, dear one.
I dont know what more can be done... I may be a lost cause.

I hope you have some pull wherever you are.
Could you ask the boss to give me some clearer signs.
I'm tired, little one... I need some light.

Yes... I see.
I see what I did there.
I need to look inside again, right?
You are a smart girl. Obviously mama's child.
Love you.
xx

Rose Red and Snow White

Mothers and daughters

It's mother's day.
Mothers and daughters... is there any relationship that is filled with so much frustration, irritation and intense feelings of love and hate? Well, I suppose the relationship between men and women comes close.

Seeing a few of my friends doing the "mother thing" recently, I'm always in awe at the overwhelming love and care that one human can feel for another. I suppose the nine-months- living-inside-you thing kinda makes you feel connected to the little poop spewing bugger.. but still. It's beautiful to see a mother's love in action.

I'm also under no illusion that it's an easy job that just comes naturally. It's practically an impossible job, but millions of women do it every single day. Going without sleep, a new pair of boots, a holiday away.. and to not even have a moment to yourself to just sit and do nothing and not worry that the thing is still breathing... is truly a testament to the power of love.

And I know that there are many mothers out there... that sometimes get it wrong. I know many people that have a difficult relationship with their mothers because they just weren't available to them in a way that they could feel the love. We all make mistakes... and we all need to forgive each other. Yes, forgiveness is possible... and essential. Above all, we need to understand so that we can learn to love again.

So.. I guess that's where I am. My mom was great... IS great. She loved my brother and I with everything. Perhaps she loved us a bit too much.. and I often wish that she had a life outside her children, but it's not for me to decide what's best for her.

I was going to write about the things that have hurt me throughout the years... things that she shouldn't have said.. things that she should've done.. but I suppose it doesn't matter.
I was loved.. and that was enough.

So, I guess I'll say what I always say every year...
Feliz Dia De Mães.
Obrigao para tudo.
Tua filhinha,
Anita
xxx