I wuz robbed

Oh the many stories that are in those three words.But, the most recent story is an actual robbery that happened last week Sunday. My ID book, bank cards, cellphone and some cash got stolen out of my car. To be honest, it was a pretty easy robbery as my friend had left my car door open and I had left everything there.. waiting for karma.

And I was angry.... and sad. So very sad for all the old messages that I had lost. Lost hopes and dreams that were contained in text messages and whatsapps ... hoping for a different outcome. It took me a few days to feel the freedom of letting that all go. Ex-loves and ex-friends and conversations that no longer exist... are all gone. The new phone feels empty but a little liberating too.

Being without cash was also an interesting experience for four days. I've been unemployed before... but I had a credit limit back then. I had no access to my own money for about four days... and I was stressed and felt really useless. I love spoiling my friends and family and I love being able to take care of myself. So it wasnt a great experience to feel stuck at home again with no other option.

Overall, it was good to feel that sense of loss and realise I would still be ok, without all my normal "stuff" with me. I managed to do without for the most part and have got back everything I needed... and sometimes a little more (I just LOVE my new cellphone!).

My dear hippy friends tell me that the energies are busy changing as we're moving out of a serpent cycle. So the hippy snake can have my old phone and my old connections. I'm ready to shed the old snake skin and come out all shiny and clean and free from the past.

Looking back at the past week, I actually did have a good break (mentally and emotionally) from an old part of my past and connected more deeply with some friends that are part of my future.

All in all... a good experience.
Who knew?!
:)

~ anib

Daddy Blues

There are moments when it all just hits you.
You will never see my kids... if I even have kids. will i ever have kids?
I will never know if you even liked me.. god dammit... why didnt you say anything?
I have to take care of your wife now. where the hell is my life?

i get pissed off at myself for wasting time... for not doing more, being more.
i get mad that maybe it's your fault that i need constant validation from men.
how the hell do i stop making the same mistakes? when do i get my chance??
i am sad... and guilty... for taking this trip overseas with mom... with your money. yes, it ours but still.
i hate that your death felt like a relief.... that the pain had stopped... that all our pain had stopped.

except it hasn't.

i wish i had more time.
to say thank you.
and sorry.
and
do you love me?

~anib

Fly far away

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here. 

 ~ From: Forrest Gump

Ever feel like you want to run away, fly away... to just go somewhere that's not where you are?

I've tried running away many times... and it never works.

When I left my husband, I flew away with a friend to the Vaal River.

Recently, I was willing to give up everything and fly away to Mozambique.

My whole life feels like a marathon sometimes.. and I'm out of breathe.

I'm tired... but I keep going...

I know that I can't keep running away from things.
I'm trying to be brave and face it all. 

But I'm also not running towards anything.
I'm just standing.

Granted, this can be an achievement when all you feel like doing is falling... but still. 

We all want something more, don't we?

I spoke in my last post about my lack of goals.
The thing is.. the only thing I've ever wanted is love.

There's something tragic about a Leo that's not in Love. 

Our hearts are as big as the sun... but we really do need to have people to care about.

I know that love is "there for the taking" and that you have to "give in order to receive".

But, right now.. I just dont wanna. 

I dont want to put myself out there. I dont want to look my best. I dont want to do anything.

I just want to fly... so high. 

And if that means I miss out on love... then so be it.

I want to be unbreakable.

 
edit: thanks to my friend alice for this tune which makes sense to me. :)