Have you ever been to DecoDance? It's a cool retro type club that plays 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's music. I dont think I've ever boogied to the Beatles in a club before. I had a really great time there on Saturday night with some new and old friends. We were on the dance floor for almost 5 hours non-stop! Fun. :)
So, in between the fun and madness of the dance floor, we did take some small breaks. The walls are all mirrored. I looked at my big red face in the mirror... and laughed. My hair was a mess, I was sweaty hot and I had that naughty, crazy look in my eyes... the one where I'm so full of confidence that I just say whatever I feel like. Pretty scary, but, honestly... it's probably the happiest that I've been in a very long time.
I was reminded of the last painful time that I was there.. Halloween 2009. I was probably smiling and did have a good time with my friends... but I felt sick and broken inside. I remember my cousin putting on my make-up that evening... and I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I felt so ugly, unwanted and rejected... and all over a silly boy.
There were many other times when I avoided the mirror. Last year this time when I was alone and that horrible year of 2008 when I felt alone, I often looked at myself, with tears streaming down my face, wondering if I'd ever stop crying. I couldn't see anything good in the mirror beyond the tears.
Thankfully... I had other mirrors that showed me the truth. I had friends that looked at me and saw more in me than I ever could at the time. Through their eyes, I was beautiful, loving, caring, funny... strong. They never stopped showing me my true face, forcing me to see what was real. With their eyes as my mirrors... I slowly became brave... and looked again.
The rest, as you should know, is history (just go read the rest of the blog! :P). Some friends have come and gone... and I do miss them... but I'm still surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, witty, loving people. I am grateful every time that I'm in their presence. Their love gives me immeasurable strength to carry on.. to keep smiling... to fight for the very best because I deserve it. Through their eyes... I see a "me" that I love.And yes, I know that I can't rely on other people to feel good about myself. I dont. I really am getting to a place where I am ok with me. More than ok... I'm freaking awesome. :P
Looking at the mirror today.. I just know.
I know.
I hope you know it too.
And if you forget.. I will remind you.
xx
