daddy's little girl

Well there went January... oh and hello February.
I have actually been busy. I'll try to write more.
But, to be honest, having actual therapy is making this form of cheap therapy a bit redundant.

looking up

I survived Valentine's Day. It wasn't a big issue. I feel so loved and accepted by new and old friends at the moment. It's amazing. And new. I dont think I've ever felt like that before... even in a relationship. And that's um... well that's kinda sad, I guess.

I guess the trance parties are part of the abundant joy I have right now. It's a little piece of paradise that I find hard to explain. I try here. I've met new people... I've done new things... I can just be. Happiness!! :)

But still. It's hard to ignore the intimate relationship part of Vday. I didnt think about it too much... until I saw videos of Dr House singing again. Which reminded me of a "forever love" that was never really finished. Or maybe it was and I really didnt want it to be. I made the stupid mistake of saying hi again and... I walked away disappointed. Again.

I have to ask myself why I keep doing that.

On Friday night I was close to calling up the man-child again. I'm only grateful that I had blocked him on whatsapp and had to consider the hassle of unblocking and inviting him back into my life. Dinner for one worked out just fine. Although I did land up buying cigarettes because... I dont know. I guess I needed time to think and breathe.

Which brings me to the issue: why do I keep loving men who dont show me love?

*big breathe*

"i thought too much. i worried too much."

This is really difficult because I'd like to think that my dad and I had a good relationship. The honest truth is that we didnt have a relationship. And, for a very long time, I was just a little girl looking for love and attention.

My earliest memory was of him teaching me how to swim in the sea and him holding me while I kicked in the waves. But, earlier than that, I remember I did something really bad and he hit me. He never hit me after that but I guess I had always been trying to get his approval since. And maybe I'm still trying... looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate for attention. That's a hard realisation... and not an observation that I like about myself.

I had a whole bunch of other things going on as a little girl that I dont really want to go into here. But, in many ways, I felt very alone in the world. I guess I was always looking for someone to protect me and save me from bad things. That never happened. And I got horribly heartbroken every time one of my men let me down.  Living up to my impossible standards, I suppose that was inevitable. :(

So I'm spending some time with little ani again. She needs some healing. I've been looking at posts from my old StumbleUpon blog which included letters that I had written to her. At that stage, I was starting to get disappointed by my ex-husband and my world was falling apart.

1 June 2008: 
an ode to the little one
i have walked a long path with you, my dear
i should've held your hand and helped you
but it was you... you held me up..
you're a brave, strong little girl
and i will always love you
but now you can walk on your own
and i must grow up
goodbye little girl
*hug*

And again in 2010, after another heartbreak....

5 June 2010:  
little one... i love you. 
you're brave...and strong... and i love you... deeply. 
you are more than this... you are safe... you are loved. 
you are special... you are greater than your body.. your spirit shines bright. 
i love you. i love you. 
xx 

So here I sit... with this impossible heartbreak.
I dont know how to move on from here.

~anib

Mothers and daughters

It's mother's day.
Mothers and daughters... is there any relationship that is filled with so much frustration, irritation and intense feelings of love and hate? Well, I suppose the relationship between men and women comes close.

Seeing a few of my friends doing the "mother thing" recently, I'm always in awe at the overwhelming love and care that one human can feel for another. I suppose the nine-months- living-inside-you thing kinda makes you feel connected to the little poop spewing bugger.. but still. It's beautiful to see a mother's love in action.

I'm also under no illusion that it's an easy job that just comes naturally. It's practically an impossible job, but millions of women do it every single day. Going without sleep, a new pair of boots, a holiday away.. and to not even have a moment to yourself to just sit and do nothing and not worry that the thing is still breathing... is truly a testament to the power of love.

And I know that there are many mothers out there... that sometimes get it wrong. I know many people that have a difficult relationship with their mothers because they just weren't available to them in a way that they could feel the love. We all make mistakes... and we all need to forgive each other. Yes, forgiveness is possible... and essential. Above all, we need to understand so that we can learn to love again.

So.. I guess that's where I am. My mom was great... IS great. She loved my brother and I with everything. Perhaps she loved us a bit too much.. and I often wish that she had a life outside her children, but it's not for me to decide what's best for her.

I was going to write about the things that have hurt me throughout the years... things that she shouldn't have said.. things that she should've done.. but I suppose it doesn't matter.
I was loved.. and that was enough.

So, I guess I'll say what I always say every year...
Feliz Dia De Mães.
Obrigao para tudo.
Tua filhinha,
Anita
xxx