Dates

Yesterday was my ex wedding anniversary. We had the ceremony on 8th February 2013 but we actually signed the register on 14th February. How very..... *puke*. Heh... ok it kinda sweet at the time but I'm really not in the mood for love and romance at the moment. And yet....

Last week, I had to say no to a very tempting but inappropriate offer.  To keep myself safe (and sane), I've been trying to stay away. But as we eke closer to V day and the nights get lonelier and I'm just tired and stressed and.... I cant control the bad thoughts that are being debated in my head.

It's also been 90 days (I worked it out) since I've communicated with him. He's written to me (briefly) but it's really just pissed me off more than anything because it was just one liners and not an essay long declaration of his love for me. I dont ask for much... I think?

A dear friend said that I deserved so much better than these scraps. But do I? Really? I really dont know anymore. This seems to be "it" and all I can get my hands on.... so maybe I should settle. Again.

Yeah yeah.

Meh. I should be concentrating on my super important job that could change my life instead of silly boys and their lack of commitment.
I'm just constantly tired at the time with no good reason. Suppose I should sleep and sort out vitamin B12 shot.
Oh and stop worrying.

Yeah yeah.

~anib

Stone heart

It's been a hectic week in South Africa. The hashtag generation decided to change the world.
#feesmustfall #nationalshutdown #uctshutdown #etcetcetc
I'm hashtagged out, lost a few facebook friends, emotionally drained and so so proud of my country. I really have much more to say on the topic but I've definately overdosed on this topic and I need a break.

So... cute kittens with Hannah? Yes.

I was chatting to a friend about life and love and stuff, as one does. He met up with an ex and I said "be careful with your heat." He said he'd be fine as he only had a stone cold heart left. Yeah right. Our hearts keep beating, despite all the beatings it gets.

And on that note.... GOOD GOD I LOVE YOU ADELE. New single released today. THIS IS MY LIIIIIIIIIFE :) <3 p="" queen="">

I'm going to London in two weeks. So much squee. So much OCD on planning.
And breathe.

~anib

Losing

So after Monday's tingly feelings... we went out... had some fun (not that kind of fun) and landed up as friends. I should be ok with that... but I'm just not.

I feel like I've lost something

This isn't about any "him".

I feel like I've lost something more important: a bit of hope, the ability to trust completely, the capacity to love and be loved.

And I really hate how familiar this feeling feels.

Image used with permission from the photographer. 

Words from Elizabeth Bishop

daddy's little girl

Well there went January... oh and hello February.
I have actually been busy. I'll try to write more.
But, to be honest, having actual therapy is making this form of cheap therapy a bit redundant.

looking up

I survived Valentine's Day. It wasn't a big issue. I feel so loved and accepted by new and old friends at the moment. It's amazing. And new. I dont think I've ever felt like that before... even in a relationship. And that's um... well that's kinda sad, I guess.

I guess the trance parties are part of the abundant joy I have right now. It's a little piece of paradise that I find hard to explain. I try here. I've met new people... I've done new things... I can just be. Happiness!! :)

But still. It's hard to ignore the intimate relationship part of Vday. I didnt think about it too much... until I saw videos of Dr House singing again. Which reminded me of a "forever love" that was never really finished. Or maybe it was and I really didnt want it to be. I made the stupid mistake of saying hi again and... I walked away disappointed. Again.

I have to ask myself why I keep doing that.

On Friday night I was close to calling up the man-child again. I'm only grateful that I had blocked him on whatsapp and had to consider the hassle of unblocking and inviting him back into my life. Dinner for one worked out just fine. Although I did land up buying cigarettes because... I dont know. I guess I needed time to think and breathe.

Which brings me to the issue: why do I keep loving men who dont show me love?

*big breathe*

"i thought too much. i worried too much."

This is really difficult because I'd like to think that my dad and I had a good relationship. The honest truth is that we didnt have a relationship. And, for a very long time, I was just a little girl looking for love and attention.

My earliest memory was of him teaching me how to swim in the sea and him holding me while I kicked in the waves. But, earlier than that, I remember I did something really bad and he hit me. He never hit me after that but I guess I had always been trying to get his approval since. And maybe I'm still trying... looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate for attention. That's a hard realisation... and not an observation that I like about myself.

I had a whole bunch of other things going on as a little girl that I dont really want to go into here. But, in many ways, I felt very alone in the world. I guess I was always looking for someone to protect me and save me from bad things. That never happened. And I got horribly heartbroken every time one of my men let me down.  Living up to my impossible standards, I suppose that was inevitable. :(

So I'm spending some time with little ani again. She needs some healing. I've been looking at posts from my old StumbleUpon blog which included letters that I had written to her. At that stage, I was starting to get disappointed by my ex-husband and my world was falling apart.

1 June 2008: 
an ode to the little one
i have walked a long path with you, my dear
i should've held your hand and helped you
but it was you... you held me up..
you're a brave, strong little girl
and i will always love you
but now you can walk on your own
and i must grow up
goodbye little girl
*hug*

And again in 2010, after another heartbreak....

5 June 2010:  
little one... i love you. 
you're brave...and strong... and i love you... deeply. 
you are more than this... you are safe... you are loved. 
you are special... you are greater than your body.. your spirit shines bright. 
i love you. i love you. 
xx 

So here I sit... with this impossible heartbreak.
I dont know how to move on from here.

~anib

The ghosts of loves lost

I had a strange feeling today: I missed my ex-husband.
The husband I left in 2008, divorced in 2009 and am still fighting with to resolve our joint estate. So maybe we're not exactly "done". I dont know.
But there was this jazzy tune that came on the radio and I remembered how we would dance like crazy people in our living room to that type of music... smiling, laughing... loving? I cant even remember what that feels like anymore.
But I miss it. I miss that. I miss.... what was and what could've been.

It's a strange feeling... after feeling hurt and angry and sad at everything that happened during our split.
It's a strange feeling knowing that the ones you love, will never really leave you completely.
They become a part of you... they shape who you are. They become your "story".
And you have to respect that... respect them.... and then... I dont know.
What do you do?
Forgive, forget... move on?
Do you ever take a step back and see if you missed out on something??

I've been going through a bit of a reconciliation period with old exes and flames and I'm glad I've reconnected with some of these people that were a part of my life. My heart feels a little better after remembering the good times with them and being allowed in their lives again. I feel very loved... but in a very different way. And I'm learning about what I've done wrong... about expectations... and loving the person for who they are and not wanting more (or less). So I see this all as positive steps forward.

But with some people... I guess some unresolved (or unexpressed) feelings still linger. I worry that I may hurt people again. I also worry that I could get hurt again. I mean... how many hits can a heart actually take before it's unusable? I worry that I may become too "hard" and will completely forget what being loved feels like. I worry that I may never actually have experienced it... so how will I know it when I see it??

I worry about all of this.. and have a bit of regret, of course.
I cant fix all the mistakes I've made. I cant go too far backwards. Self preservation and all that...
So I wont be contacting the ex-husband. But I hope he is ok. I hope he still dances and laughs.... and occasionally thinks of me fondly.

But most of all... I hope I can move on... forgive myself and them.. and maybe, hopefully soon... step into real lasting love. Whatever the hell that is. :)

But, dear ghosts, you will always be a part of my heart.
I had no idea I still had one... so thank you... for reminding me that I can be loved.
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me about myself and about love and life.
I hope I am learning fast.
Because I do miss it.
And that.

~ani

On Being Alone

So I did it. I let go. As with most things in my life, it happened in a rather dramatic way. But it is done.

I finally got rid of the boy that at first made me believe I could be his unintended and, at other times, made me feel unimportant. The honest truth was that he kept me hanging on, never really committing to anything and making me believe that I was insane for seeing anything more into the things that he did and said. I may be insane in many other ways (ahem :P), but the bottom line is that he made me feel like shit... and that should never be acceptable.

Funnily enough, it was an ex of mine that made me see this (and a few other friends: thank you!). As an aside, I cant tell you how happy I am that someone that I used to date doesn't hate me. I was getting a bit worried about my track record. And I'm sure my friends (um, well, those that I have left) will be a little concerned but I am happy to report that we are just friends and I am happy to have someone from my past back in my life.

And the friends story. Well, I think I am basically without close friends at the moment. I have social interactions online and I do value those... really, I do. My twitter, facebook and stumbleupon friends always make me smile. But in terms of a RL BFF that I can call up and just "hang" with ... I have nothing.

And...
big girl panties time..
I am ok with it.

Fake a smileby ~Alephunky

Well. Ok. I'm not 100% ok with it... but I need this time alone.
I need to get away from controlling people that take over my life. This isn't their fault. I'm the one that willingly hands over my brain and just does whatever I need to do to be liked. I need to learn what *I* like... I need to choose the people that *I* want to hang out with. I need to learn to start saying "no".

This all sounds great in theory... but I do feel a bit lonely at the moment.
And my coping mechanism is by reaching out to my usual drugs of choice - the online world, food, emo-ness.
I am aware of all of this though.... so I guess I needed to write this all out and see how I feel about it all now.

*breathes*

I dont know where I'm going. But I think I'll be ok.
One thing I know for sure: Ek wil meer as net oorleef.
Wish me luck.
*steps out alone*


~anib

Unintended

Riddle me this.

How do you go from this.....
 

 to this...

????

Life goes on... but yeah... some things still suck.
#thatisall

not a believer

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

*delete delete delete*

I thought love was more or less a givin' thing,
Seems the more I gave the less I got.
What's the use in tryin'?
All you get is pain.
When I needed sunshine I got rain.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
 
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Buck up!

~ ani

Foolish games

Don't tell anyone... but I still think about you... every single day.
It's been about six weeks now.
I don't know what you're up to.
I don't know who you are, and, yes, I'm sorry, but perhaps I never did.
I've stayed away from you, your friends... your life.
My life has gone on... I've been good.
But I miss you.
And I think about you.
Every.
Single.
Day.

It's hard... but I keep reminding myself that I never did make you happy.
We both desperately wanted and needed to love each other unconditionally... but we never could.
I wish we didn't hurt each other when neither one of us wanted that.
I don't know why we felt like we needed to keep trying to make it work, when it just didn't.
I know all of this... and we both know a lot more that will never get discussed...
But I still miss you.

I hope that you're ok.
I wish... that things could've been better.
I wish I could've... been better.
I wish you could've... been stronger.
I love you.
I wish I didn't.
It would make things so much easier...
I've tried hating you... but we both know that it's not true.

Anyway... this means nothing... and it doesn't matter.
It's over... and I'm tired of playing this game.
Good night.
x

Chopped Liver

I'm not quite sure how it started.
Who told you that you weren't worth it? That you weren't good enough for the very best that life has to offer?
And why... oh why do you insist on believing this and keep telling yourself the same thing?
If we look long enough, we can always find people and things to blame.
Perhaps no one is to blame... it is what it is?
We all need to learn our lessons in our own way.
But I'm not settling for anything less than WOW.
I deserve 100% of your time, energy and effort. If you think I don't.. then you need to go. Go now.

Never ever ever again... will this girl be anything less than number one.

That is all.

You spin me right round baby, right round...

I LOVE Stumbleupon.
I find the most weird and wonderful things there all the time. I try to share links with my non-SU friends via Facebook and Twitter, but you really have to experience it for yourself.

Anyway, my latest find is Sophie Madeleine.
She plays the ukulele. Yes, the ukulele.
Now, the first time I was struck by the sound of the ukulele was by this gorgeous fellow. What a beautiful person.. inside and out. :)



So.. I've been listening to a lot of Sophie during my on-again-off-again "it's complicated" (well, for one of us, apparently) thing with the boy. So.. here are some lyrics that have been bouncing around my head lately.
Hold on to your hats, folks... it's a bumpy ride. ;)


I could tame the wildest animals with just one stare.
I'd even take my chances with a polar bear.
I could be in mortal danger but I wouldn't care
If I could take your love with me.



You lie awake just singing the blues all night. Goody, goody
And you think that love's a barrel of dynamite
Hooray and hallelujah, You had it coming to ya
Goody, goody for her, goody, goody for me
And I hope you're satisfied you rascal you



I want to be in your profile picture...



Pic by anitab79

Now I'm trying hard to stop you running circles in my brain.
But every lyric that I hear contains the letters of your name.
Since you left me all I think of is the music we once knew,
and I just can't stop myself from hearing love songs about you.

*sigh*
g'night.