It's not perfect

I thought I wasn't ok in my last post.... I had no idea.
My father died last week.
He'd been ill for a long time now.... but last week... it just got worse.
He couldn't walk.. he couldn't breathe. He gave his last breathe on Saturday morning.

I didnt get to say good bye.
I wonder if he knew that I wanted to.
I wonder if I could've said or done anything more.
Something... anything... we just wanted a little bit more.

The funeral was yesterday. I gave the eulogy.
Some people said I was brave. I didnt know that I had a choice.
Today... I decided to not be brave. Today, I was sad.
Today I slept... holding the teddy bear he bought me when I was 13 (yes, way too old for a teddy).

old handsby ~fmamb

I've worn his wedding ring as a chain all week... but today I actually looked at it for the first time.
(Time to face the reality, I guess.)
It's not a perfect circle.
I guess 34 years of marriage takes its toll.
As does 74 years of hard work, I guess.
My father worked too hard... every fucking day in the shop... with not much to show for it.
We have enough. We'll be fine. And my brother and I are smart kids...  we'll be fine.
But I just HATE it that someone who is a good person, who never harmed a single thing, with a warm and gentle spirit... can still get fucked by this world.
Yeah.... I am angry at you, world.
So angry and so sad.
Because it's all just unfair.

*breathe*

I came here to say that just because it's not perfect, doesn't mean it's not good..... and ok.
But I dont feel ok today.
So no happy ending today.
Take that, world.

~anib

The truth

If you want to find the truth... you have to admit to all your lies.

I lie. A lot.

I lie to myself, more than anything. And on days like today... I feel like I just cant trust what I think or feel. On days like this.. I rely on other people to tell me I'm ok. Which can be so very dangerous... because people are human... and say things without thinking... and.... well, yeah... you shouldn't need to rely on someone else to feel like you're ok.

The truth is: I dont feel ok.

I feel like I'm hanging onto a very very thin thread... and I'm not quite sure for how much longer I can "hang on".

The list of things on my shoulders is probably not that unmanageable.. but the combination of everything feels....overwhelming.

So, without spilling too much of the grisly details... I just have to be honest and say... No.. I am not okay.


Aside: Thank you Jenny Lawson for making it ok to not be ok. Much love for this video. xx


Ciao for now.
~ ani