Annie, are you OK?

This week.... what a fucking rollercoaster. I was majorly pissed off that I didn't get to see my therapist last week but I just kept bottling up my feelings of anger until I exploded and almost fucked up a really important relationship to me. I really hate it when I do that. And I do it a lot.

Before the explosion, I felt this song pretty deeply. I could actually listen to Adele forever on repeat... but it's probably not healthy for me. Still.... the river lea is strong with me. 

Everybody tells me it's 'bout time that I moved on

And I need to learn to lighten up and learn how to be young

But my heart is a valley, it's so shallow and man made

I'm scared to death if I let you in that you'll see I'm just a fake

Sometimes I feel lonely in the arms of your touch

But I know that's just me cause nothing ever is enough

And all these feelings kept swirling around my head and I just could not find a way to express them. 

I kept saying "never mind" when asked about it. 

And, I think, the best thing I heard all week was: I mind. *mind blown*

And this was the second best thing I heard.... <3 p="">

Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK,?
Are you OK, Annie?

Guys... I am so ok. I'm loved and liked and more than tolerated by some really special people... even when I'm being a bitchy stupid emo drama princess. 

Like how did I even get that lucky? 

Ja. It's been a flippen journey. 

#blessed

~anib

I am

It's not news to me that I can be a drama princess. I'm aware of how I can blow things out of proportion and focus too much on the negative.

So, after yesterday's post , I contacted two friends in the UK who jumped at the opportunity to see me, even if briefly. One was prepared to fly in from Isle of Man and another said she would just "MAKE" time. And I was deeply humbled and touched. And suddenly, very very over the "maybe" guy.

I've "known" him for almost nine years online... which is pretty ridiculous, come to think of it. But if I'm a lot more interested in meeting him than he is in meeting me.... then what the hell dude. Buh-bye.

*and breathe*

In other news, I've been re-learning Hebrew because my favourite Israeli will be back in town soon. I stumbled across this phrase "Ani". Apparently it's a way to introduce yourself* ie Ani Ani. Heh.
So the translation is: "I am".

I AM.

Man... I can't begin to express how happy that made me.

The main reason I landed up online was to discover who I was. When I first started on mIRC, I struggled with finding a pseudonym. I used to change it every couple of days and try different personas with it... but it didnt last very long. Eventually, I decided to go with my given name.

Ever since then, every place that I signed up for online was a place to discover who "anita" was. On StumbleUpon, I was given the nickname ani, which has stuck and developed into its own little persona based on what everyone else was telling me who I was.
When I first started this blog in 2009, it was about claiming back that name "ani" and trying to figure out who I was outside of everyone's expectations.
At the time, I wanted to be small and invisible and quiet and alone. Now, I'm much louder and brighter and sometimes too much in the light.
But, through all of this... I am.
With or without you, I am.

After spending so many years wondering "I am?", I'm finally starting to drop the question mark. Here's to finding the explanation mark and learning to love all that is "I". :)

xx

~anib

* I got that from a youtube video but subsequent research has said Ani translates to I. Whatevs. The insights matter. :)

A long time ago

a long long time ago in a place called stumbleupon (SU), i was given a platform for the first time in my life to express myself creatively without any limits. i used to blog, write, collect images.. and make music videos. i also went by my "real name": anitab. 

this was on purpose. 

(this was also way before social media and companies checking your online activities.)

the purpose was, and always has been, to find anitab.

a fun little part of SU was our avatars. i used to change my avatar almost daily to reflect a current mood or another side of me. it became a "thing". it became something important to me. 

each and every one of my "avatar girls" became a part of me.

as i embraced their beauty, their quirkiness.... 

i started embracing mine.

these videos were compiled from all the pics of my "avatar girls". 

there are many children in these images. and many grown woman yearning for love. 

and lots of butterflies and bubbles and pink and hearts.

 and babies. 

and eyes. 

and sadness.

these videos still bring me to tears because they meant so much to me at the time. 

and, i guess.. they still do.

i guess i'm still looking.

and, i guess...

i still dont see.

i can smile a little when i look back today, though.

so many of the things i wanted for myself have come true.

i really do have some amazing friends.

there are people that "see" me.

i can dance with abandon.

i have great clothes and play with fashion.

i dyed my hair blue and purple.

i recovered from heartbreak.

barely.

that was the last video i created. 

my editing got a little better... and i got a little bit more hopeful about my future.

at first the butterflies seemed to be my way out and help me escape from the pain and sadness.

by the end, it seemed like the butterflies gave me more power to just be.

i dont have a conclusion...

yet...

other than this has been going on for a long time.

and long enough.

i'm tired of being sad.

good night.

~anib

Blog Challenge - Day 26 to 28 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.

26. Share something you are proud of.

I think I'm braver than I think I am. I left a marriage that wasnt really doing anything for me. I survived a miscarriage and came out of a deep depression. I did the eulogy at my father's funeral. I do lots of things on my own. I'm kind and generous. I dyed my hair blue. I'm much more honest about who I am and what I like. I have people that actually know the real me and I've stopped hiding who I am. I'm proud of me... for the first time in a long time. :)

27. Where are you the happiest?At trance parties. I love to dance. I love to be around happy, shiny people. I love the bright colours and general playfulness. I love meeting new people and forming new friendships. I love being out in beautiful nature. It's just a beautiful place to be. And it's made me a much happier person in so many ways. 

28. Share something you are looking forward to in 2014.

Not sure, really. I think 2013 was a challenging year but I'm glad I came out of it smiling. I'm pretty happy with life at the moment and just would like more of the same... with a bit more romantic love, of course. 

Happy Holidays.

~anib

What child is this?

So.. feel free to judge me or whatever.. but when one is at a hippy "do", you do hippy things. I wouldn't say I'm a hippy. I'm far too cynical about supernatural shit these days... but sometimes... sometimes.

Ok, so I was at this "hey shoo wow" festival thing and I paid a psychic to tell me my fortune.
I didn't have any burning questions, but she was looking at my cards and asked me immediately why I didn't want to get married again. She said there was this nice, intelligent man with a pure heart that was interested in me... but I was pushing him away. There's only one person I know that had shown interest... and I didn't really believe it was "real'.... so.... I was a bit shocked. +

But there was more... a lot more.
I asked some basic questions about work... and got the answers I needed.
And then I decided to be brave and ask about family. She looked again at this man.... but said he couldn't give me children (TMI but he's been snipped).
But she saw a little girl.
The girl is already on this planet.
I will be adopting her soon....

*deep breathe*

I was just.... oh my god.. I SO wanted this to be true.
At first I thought she was talking about Little Rose but she is no longer here...
I dont know how or what or why... but I feel like I should be a mother.
Could I be so wrong? Again??
I dont know.... but this just feels right.


A few other things of interest, I'll be in a new job next year and I'll be visiting Australia  but I wont emigrate from South Africa. That's all I remember....

But I just care about the baby girl.
Please please please.... let that be true.
*sigh*



+ I subsequently gave the nice man a chance... and have been having LOTS of fun. And not just fun fun.... but the emotional stuff is good too. Not sure about the future though. It could be amazing... we'll see... we'll see.

edit 2 years later - yeah it was all bullshit.

Dolly and the Rockers

this is a copy paste job from my SU blog from 27 April 2008:

Let me explain the story with me and Dolly.
I asked Mom to buy me the new Kylie Minogue album for my birthday. The locomotion, baby.. everybody was doing it. :P
Now, my mom couldn't speak or read English, so I asked her to look for the album with the girl with big blonde hair.
I guess it was an honest mistake...


lol.
But this was the second time my mom had done this to me. I remember when I asked for a Barbie doll.. and she got me freaking Dana. I mean.. come on..she's a brunette! She's the one on the left (like you didn't know). Mine had an orange top with blue pants and orange earrings. Urgh.

But enough about my childhood trauma... (Oh, I did eventually get a Barbie... but I never really liked her. Meh. And I never did get that Kylie album.)

So, because I'm such a nice person (no really, i am :P)... I accepted the Dolly Album with a smile.
And I listened..
and I loved.

Now. Jolene. It's a great song.
This version is strong and powerful. Compare it to this sweet and innocent version.
And this is just so cool.
Enjoy.
:)

*update 2011: Dolly still rocks my world.

Stumbling through Relationships

So I've had this post in draft for a while.
It's been in my head for an even longer while.
After a divorce and another failed relationship, it makes sense to want to go back and think about “what went wrong”. The details of “what went wrong” will be kept between me and the parties involved.
I do believe that every experience in life is there to teach us something about ourselves. They say, when you lose, don't lose the lesson. Well, I'm still learning.. but, taking into account my mistakes, this is what I've learned about myself.

One thing's for sure... I'm not going to stop being attracted to brains. Yes, I'm a zombie... I want Braaaaaaaains. :P
Ahem. But seriously. The people that I tend to associate with are usually highly intelligent.I've never really liked being smart.At school, it was just never ever a cool thing to be. It got so bad that during University, I actively started slacking off and tried to be dumb to fit in. As with everything though, I excelled too well at it, and landed up failing my Honours year at UCT. Along with it, I lost a job at a Big 4 audit firm. Well done ani! *rolls eyes*
Anyway... it all worked out for the best, I guess. I re-did my Honours and passed Board I and II exams first time. All of a sudden... being smart was cool again. I associated with new people, smart people and was admired and respected for who I was. So THAT's what real friendship is all about. Live and learn. :)

But I digress. My point was... I love intelligent people.
I don't know enough about everything, but I admire people who want to know more.
I love people that can play with words... the writers and the poets.
I admire the skill of musicians and artists.
I adore people who care about the state of the world and truly, deeply care about their fellow man.
Whatever you're good at... do it well and do it with your whole heart.

While I admire the “head” intelligence, it really does mean nothing without a good heart. I've learned that I have a good heart. I need someone who will not use and abuse that.
Probably one of my many faults is that I love too deeply... I give too much...
Many others have said that this is one of my best qualities.
My heart still feels a little bruised, so I'm going to lock it away for a bit.
But I cannot imagine a love that does not completely overwhelm every one of my senses. It has to be passionate and crazy and consume my world. It's all or nothing with me. And yes, I'm worth it. :)

Other than that... physical things don't really matter.
I think I have an irrtional dislike of blonde people, though. Some of my best friends are blonde (no, really!) but I'm a brown haired, brown eyed girl.. and I suppose like attracts like in this sense.
Or perhaps it's just comforting to stick to what you know. I'm willing to change my mind about that.

But you can always get me with your eyes.
A kind man once said that he was too scared to look into my eyes because it felt like I could see everything in his soul. Yeah.. I'm pretty intense, I guess. And I need to have eyes that can stare right back into my soul. You can't just look at me and feel... indifferent.I have to be moved....shaken to my core. It's happened before... and I don't want to settle for anything less.

Other than brains and heart and eyes... what more could a woman want?
Well, you have to be honest with me... 100% honesty... ALL the time.
I require monogamy too. This appears to be an old-fashioned idea, but I believe that it's still possible. If it's not, feel free to go swing in another tree. Freak. *cough*

But I digress...again. More than anything... there has to be an acceptance and understanding of who I am. This is no easy task as I'm still unsure of who I am. Which is why I need to just sort myself out first. Everyone has their demons to fight, but I really feel that I need to get to a place where I'm ok with the mess that I am.
I'm almost there. I can feel it.
I'm getting more and more confident in my skin... and surrounding myself with people that love and support me, with no ulterior motives.

While I've met some wonderful boys... there is currently no one in my life that has me wowed.
I still think back to the passionate loves I've had... and I miss it very much.
But I need something more.
There are great things ahead of me... I can feel it.
In my fingers.
I feel it in my toes.
Love is all around me.
And so the feeling grows.
*chuckles to herself*
^_^.

100 Truths

100 TRUTHS

this is me being lazy.
i have lots of thoughts in my head... but i found this list at riven's so i thought i'd play along.
enjoy. :)

1. Last beverage ~ some orange fizzy crap
2. Last phone call ~ called a friend last night
3. Last kiss ~ i'd rather not say.. it's complicated.
4. Last song you listened to ~ music during pilates class.. reminded me of my ex-husband.
5. Last time you cried ~ this morning at pilates class.. listening to the music.*sigh*

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice ~ huh?
7. Been cheated on? ~ yep
8. Kissed someone & regretted it? ~ no regrets.. eventually
9. Lost someone special? ~ sure.
10. Been depressed? ~ yes.
11. Been high? ~ never.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Pink
13. Black
14. Red

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU:
15. Have you made new friends this year ~ i hope so
16. Fallen out of love ~ probably never will.
17. Laughed until you cried ~ not often enough.. but yeah.
18. Met someone who changed you ~ constantly
19. Found out who your true friends were ~ still learning. :)
20. Found out someone was talking about you ~ oh.. i dont mind that. :)
21. Kissed anyone on your top friends list ~ dont have a list.

TRUTH:
23. How many kids do you want to have ~ two should be fine... but i dont think that will happen for me.
24. Do you have any pets ~ no. nothing that is just mine.
25. Do you want to change your name ~ my registered name? yes.
26. What did you do for your last birthday ~ i had a tweetup.
27. What time did you wake up today ~ 815am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night ~ sleeping
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for ~ to find my passion
30. Last time you saw your father ~ he's here right now.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life ~ more self confidence. with that, i can do anything.
32. What are you listening to right now ~ Cape Talk radio
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom ~ i know a thomas.
34. What’s getting on your nerves right now? ~ my lack of money... and everyone else getting paid this week.
36. What’s your real name ~ anita... ani... ann... depends who you are.
37. Relationship Status ~ divorced.
38. Zodiac sign ~ Leo
39. Male or female ~ Female
40. Primary School ~ Maitland Primary school
41. High School ~ Fairbairn High School
43. Hair color ~ Brunette... with occasional bursts of red when i'm feeling down.
44. Long or short ~ medium-ish
45. Height ~ i dont know
46. Do you have a crush on someone ~ i dont know
47. What do you like about yourself ~ me funny :P
48. Piercings ~ ears only
49. Tattoos ~ nope
50. Righty or lefty ~ right handed

FIRSTS :
51. First surgery ~ miscarriage 2008
52. First piercing ~ ears pierced ages ago... primary school?
53. First tattoo ~ not sure... probably never.
54. First best friend ~ Serina
55. First Sport ~ netball
56. First pet ~ not really a pet owner
57. First vacation ~ probably with the ex-husband... bed and breakfast.. stayed indoors mostly.
58. First concert ~ UB40.. when they first came out here.
59. First crush ~ oh... Michael. :)
60. First alcohol drink ~ probably the wine my grandfather and dad and uncle used to make. yuk.

RIGHT NOW:
61. Eating ~ lunch... steak n veges.
62. Drinking ~ Nothing yet.. probably more fizzy orange stuff.
63. I’m about to ~ stumble at http://anitab.stumbleupon.com
64. Listening to ~ CapeTalk is playing "we are the world". wtf?
65. Waiting for ~ someone to call or chat with me.

WHICH IS BETTER WITH THE OTHER SEX?
69. Lips or eyes ~ eyes
70. Hugs or kisses ~ hugs
71. Shorter or taller ~ taller
72. Older or Younger ~ older
73. Romantic or spontaneous ~ romantic
74. Nice stomach or nice arms ~ arms
75. Tattoos or piercings ~ tats
76. Sensitive or loud ~ sensitive
77. Hook-up or relationship ~ relationship
78. Trouble maker or hesitant ~ trouble maker. ;)

HAVE YOU EVER :
79. Kissed a stranger ~ yes
80. Drank hard liquor ~ kinda
81. Lost glasses/contacts ~ often
82. Cried in front on someone ~ often
83. Broken someone’s heart ~ yes.
84. Had your own heart broken ~ yes
85. Been arrested ~ nope
86. Turned someone down ~ dont think so
87. Cried when someone died ~ yep
88. Liked a friend that is a girl ~ no

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
89. Yourself ~ no
90. Miracles ~ sometimes
91. Love at first sight ~ yes
92. Heaven ~ yeah
93. Santa Clause ~ i do.
94. Kissing on the first date ~ yes
95. Angels ~ hmm... yeah.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
96. Is there one person you want to be with right now ~ i dont know
97. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time ~ no.
98. Do you believe it’s possible to remain faithful forever ~ i hope so
99. What’s the one thing you cannot live without ~ internet
100. Posting this as 100 Truths ~ Yes

my internet friends

Let's not discuss December 16th... or the 17th either.
I will leave the horrid details for my close friends and my now ex-boyfriend.
Let's just say... lesson learned.
I am never going to compromise what I want and need... EVER... again.
So it looks like I'll be single for a while... cause I'm a demanding bitch.
;)

One good thing that I discovered this week... my internet friends are real.
Yeah, I've kinda known that for a while.. but, when hanging around non-internet people (waves to aunty and mommy), you tend to minimise the effect these "avatars" have on your life.

Of course... I don't do internet relationships like other people.
I put it all out there... I dont hold any punches. I give 100% of myself and I expect the same.
That reminds me of my favourite review of my page on SU* from my friend xineann:

Website: anitab
Description: Personal, engaging, full of life with all the joy and all the pain that comes from being alive. Her heart is out there. Because her heart is out there, one can bruise it without intending to.

She just got me. Wow. ^_^

So... at my lowest point last Thursday... when I felt that I had nowhere to go, that I had no one who could or would understand... I got the most amazing, supportive phone call from my twitter friend alice. I cannot thank her enough.
She also organised a place for me to crash for a bit.. and I crashed hard at ann's place. Thank you.. again and again and again.
Later that night I spent some time with karen and scott where I cried and laughed and danced and drank. Exactly what the doctor ordered.
I love you guys... all of you... so very much.
<3

And then it was Friday afternoon.
I was spending some time with my cousin, when I got a phone call from my SU friend alfred from halfway across the world. The connection was bad, but the love and concern was real... and I felt so blessed.
I also got a lovely message from a friend who I had touched with a few words on a card. That meant a lot to me.
I put myself out there and I got it all back. And that makes it all worth while.

So... at Heather's Baby Shower on Saturday, when she introduced the girls as "my internet friends", I laughed and looked around at my pinkdrinks crew.
I just knew... these people are my friends for life.
I never ever forget a friend....
and your kindess will never be forgotten.
Thank you ladies and gents.
x


Link

*SU=StumbleUpon

Stuff I like

This post was inspired by the inspiring and beautiful, wise and witty Wenchy. (The purple background is for you. :*)

These are a few of my favourite products (that I happened to have around the house) and a little bit more about my madness.

Johnson's Holiday Skin Body Lotion:
This is my life saver during summer. I LOVE this stuff.
This is different to other self-tan lotions because it very gradually builds up a nice colour. The more you use it, the darker you get so it looks very natural.
I use it mainly for my legs cause I dont usually like to show them out in public. I'm slowly getting over that. ;-)

Knorr Mince Mate Range
Because I can't cook to save my life.. this makes me feel all awesome because it always comes out yummy. And it has all my favourite food groups in one: cheese, meat, pasta. Om nom nom. :P


JC Le Roux La Fleurette
Pink Champagne. This one's being chilled for a special celebration tonight. I'm not supposed to say this, but the boy likes this too. Not too sweet, nice n bubbly.. and pink! Woo! ^_^

Ultra Mel Custard
This always makes me think of summer holidays and Christmas time. It used to be a special treat but now that I'm all grown up, I can have it whenever I want! Goes well with jelly and/or ice cream.... or on its own, warm or cold. *drool*

Wonderbra
Well.. what can I say... it does what it says... wonders! :P
The boy bought me this one recently. It is very pink. And very wondrous effects. Brand plus plus. :P

Oh so Heavenly Foot Range
I love pampering my feets... and this stuff does all I need it to do: scrubs, treat and nourishes. It's also been a hit with the boy. Oh so lovely. :)

Radox Herbal Bath Salts
Since I cant afford therapy anymore.. I take long hot baths. These "Aromatherapy" Bath Salts make the water all soft and smells so niiiiice... I don't think it has any healing powers, but it makes me happy.

Johnson's Baby Oil
Well, there is no baby at home... this is used mainly for massage. I've tried some other "proper" massage stuff... but this is still the best. Makes me happy. ;-)


Cotton buds
Ok.. my secret shame.. I'm addicted to cotton buds. This brand is crap.. but if I had the good stuff, I would use two or three a day. No, my ears are perfectly clean, thank you. I'm just.. um.. a little obsessed with the stuff. I know.. I'm weird. :-/

Hello Kitty anything
I know.. I'm too old for this.. but I <3 Hello Kitty kitsch. Pity that they only make the stuff in kiddy sizes.. meh. But I managed to find this alt Hello Kitty top at Mr Price. I LOVE it. AND... it's in PINK!!! I think I have too much pink. :P

There you go.
A small slice of my life.
Now show me yours.
^_^

champagne and pink drinks

Time for an update on last weekend's fun.
Actually, it's way past time, but I've been busy thinking about moving out of the country.
*sigh* It's not an easy decision... and having such an awesome weekend in this amazing city just makes the decision even more difficult to make. But no one ever said this would be easy...

Anyway, last Saturday was one of those glorious Cape Town summery days. I was invited by my cousin to a birthday picnic at Kirstenbosch Gardens.
I absolutely LOVE Kirstenbosch and I go there as often as I can. It's really one of the most beautiful and serene spots in Cape Town. With the sun out, and after our recent rains, the gardens were bright and colourful and full of life.
It really felt like Spring Was HERE! :)

It turned out that none of the family could make it... so I was kinda on my own. But I soon started chatting to some people, and it was really a lovely vibe. I think the strawberries and champagne may have has something to do with that... ;) Regardless, I had a great time sitting in the sun, surrounded by gorgeous greenery and left there in a rather giddy state.

Next, I was off to see my #pinkdrink ladies at the Grand Daddy Hotel in Long Street, Cape Town. It was also a "Welcome back al_ice" party after her (too long) trip to Joburg.
It was my first time there, and it really is a very swish place... but the staff were very friendly and accommodating and we had a great time.
Pink drinks were ordered, food was eaten and lots of catching up was done.
I can't believe that these ladies were complete strangers only a couple of months ago. I met them via twitter and since then, they've been an amazing source of love and support.
Thank you ladies... you guys are the best thing since.. um.. twitter! lol!

Sunday was the Portuguese Festival at the V&A Waterfront.
It was ok. :/
I guess it was a bit of a downer because I really wanted to share it with some friends.
Seeing my ex-boyfriend's evil ex there didn't really improve my mood...
But... the food was good. It always is.
And I had a few drinks.. in front of my mother.
It's the little things in life sometimes... ;)
I will have to find those pics and upload them later...

So.. that was it.
Oh.. I also attended a party on Friday.
Lots of stairs in high high heels makes ani grr grr.
The drinks were expensive. The music was too loud.
But the late night coffee afterwards made me forget most of that. :)

I think I should probably take a break this weekend.
I have so much that I still need to do...
Just thinking about it, drives me to drink.
Oh well... if I'm gonna drink, let it be pink!

And yes... I'm ok.
I think.
xx

ani plays model

Well... Saturday was fun. :)
I was invited by a friend to model for the Cape Town Photography Meetup organised by Jürgen's Photography.
Initially, I balked at the idea.
I have a teeny tiny bit of an exhibitionist side.. but it's often overwhelmed by my deeply insecure side.
Insecure-ani had a field day...
"What will I wear?" "How do I fix my hair?" "My eyebrows are hideous!" "The pictures are going to suck.. they're going to hate me" etc etc... ad NAUSEAUM!
I don't like insecure-ani.
But I'm becoming quite good at putting that bitch in her place.. ;)

Anyway, my friend assured me that the photographers were only interested in lighting and composition... and had very little interest in the emotional wellbeing of the model. With my fagile, but quite oversized ego crushed and then firmly put in its place.. I decided to just go ahead and try it.
I got my eyebrows waxed (aside: remind me to write a rant about that barbaric process), put on my new favourite hat to hide my hair and took the LONG but really lovely drive to Hout Bay. (Another aside: I LOVE Cape Town. Truly, truly... the most beautiful city in the world!)

Ok.. so.. long story short.. here are the pics.
And here are some of my personal favourites (of me, of course ;P):

Jason
Andre

AJ

Nick

Tatum

Wilfried

Well, I'm very happy with all the pics.. thank you to all the photographers.
And... I'm very proud of me.
*goofy grin*

A 4 A 4 eva!

and that's my motto... for the rest of this year, at least. :)

after another long week of emotional drama...
i've decided that i am spending the rest of the year on ME.
i really really want to help the people that i love... but i have to take care of me.
i've spent way too much time and effort getting to this path in my life.
i owe it to myself to really find my way.

i am really tired now.. so i wont go into all the details.
but i know that the people who love me, will be there for me.
thank you.
xx

edit: this song seemed appropriate.

Tell the truth

It's a Facebook thing.. but I don't want to depress my Facebook friends.
Actually, I just dont want them to worry.
This is just a mood.. and it shall pass... but at least it's honest.
Anyway... so this is me today, 7.22am with ONE cup of coffee.
I could try it a bit later and be a bit happier.. but.. meh.

1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth?
coffee and marie biscuits with butter.
breakfast of the poor and unemployable.

2.Where was your profile picture taken?
the facebook one was taken at mersey bar in cape town with al_ice.
the one here was a self portrait, taken in polokwane.

3. Can you play Guitar Hero?
no.

4.Name someone who made you laugh today.
no one yet. although i do chuckle at my own emo-ness sometimes.

5.How late did you stay up last night and why?
10ish... um.. i guess i was tired.

6.If you could move somewhere else, would you?
a tropical island would be nice.
right now, anywhere but here.

7. Ever been kissed under fireworks?
no.

8. Which of your friends lives closest to you?
all my friends live in my computer. :/

9. Do you believe ex's can be friends?
i dont know yet.

10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper?
no feelings.

11. When was the last time you cried really hard?
tuesday. i had a soft cry last night, though.

12. Who took your profile picture?
I did.

13. Who was the last person you took a picture of?
christel.
will see if i can recover the picture, but it was taken at the now infamous games evening last week.
i have no further comment on that evening.
lots of unresolved feelings.. but no further comment.

14. Was yesterday better than today?
too early to tell.

15. Can you live a day without TV?
yes. as long as there's internet...

16. Are you upset about anything?
constantly, it seems.

17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it?
i dont know yet.

18. Are you a bad influence? Why?
um.. no. maybe. shrug. i have no idea what influence i might have.

19. Night out or night in?
"out".. if i can. but i usually can't.. so "in" for now.

20. What items could you not go without during the day?
laptop with internet access. and coffee. and cheese. and my car.
money would be nice... but i have a credit card for now.

21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital?
i spent a few minutes with myself last year... it was like visiting a stranger. :/

22. What does the last text message in your inbox say?
i don't even know where my cellphone is... probably a credit card payment confirmation.

23. How do you feel about your life right now?
confuzzled.
tired.

24. Do you hate anyone?
only some aspects of me.

25. If we were to look in your face book inbox, what would we find?
messages from groups. nothing sauce, i'm afraid.

26. Has anyone ever called you perfect before?
i dont remember that kind of stuff.

27. What song is stuck in your head?
my head is empty right now.

28. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be?
my secret admirer.

29.Wanna have grandkids before you’re 50?
i just want to have kids... the rest is up to them.

30. Name something you have to do tomorrow?
nothing. but i should probably go clear my credit card soon.

31. Do you think too much or too little?
much.

32. Do you smile a lot?
shrug.

still standing

firstly, my apologies for that last post.
i've been a tad emo (ha! i'm the mistress of understatements! ;P).
my initial instinct was to delete, delete, delete. i do that ALL the time ie run and hide away from the world when things look rough.
yes, i'm a bit of a drama princess (my mama's the queen, ok?!).
some might say that it's just passionate.. but it's damn exhausting and i don't do it on purpose.
it helps that i recognise the drama and can laugh at myself afterwards.

despite my personal issues, i've decided that it stays.
this is just who i am at the moment.. take it or leave it.
anyway, i am now eating and sleeping properly again.
throw in some cool drugs and i'm slowly approximating normality.
then again, who wants to be normal?
heh. ok, i'll leave that discussion for another day.

why am i here again...? oh yes...
i'd like to get 2008 out of my system... completely.
there is still so much unfinished business from that year of hell.
like.. i haven't quite finalised the divorce yet... i didn't exactly quit my job properly... and i never did go to that follow-up gynae appointment.

wow. so much shit from one little year... !!
there are days when i really can't believe that i'm still standing.
anyway... i've been to therapy and talked it all out.
i've cried on the shoulders of friends and family and complete strangers...
but... there are times when it all comes flooding back and i just can't breathe.

like today.

i had to explain to a complete stranger why i took a couple of months off work as unpaid sick leave. my short answer was: stress.
the long answer? well, the quiet desperation that i spoke about here just grew.
there was work stress... and there was home stress....
each affected the other, i suppose...
but i couldn't handle my whole world falling apart at the same time.
the details are exhausting to go through... but it was a year of loss.
what did i lose?
- my job
- some "friends"
- my husband's fidelity
- my unborn child
- my husband
- my home
- my joy in life
- my hopes
- my dreams
- my sanity
- my desire to live
- and 10 kg (oh, but i got that all back! ;P)

at least i hardly ever lost my sense of humour.
oh, there were times that my humour got really dark...
but i still managed to laugh through a lot of the pain.
thank goodness for my amazing friends and family that never ever let me fall down.
i stumbled a lot... and it's been a bumpy ride...
but i'm on my way to a super new amazing life.

*breathes*

ok.
i'll be ok.
xx

thank you for listening.

a new beginning

i started this blog with no idea of where i was going to go with it.
i know that i wanted something separate from my space at stumbleupon (SU).
there were many reasons why i joined SU in 2006 but i think it was mainly boredom.
i had just qualified as a chartered accountant and had a great job with good prospects.
i was married, just bought a new house, had a good relationship with family and had some nice friends too.
i wasn't supposed to still be unhappy with all of this.
but i was... B O R E D ! ! !

anyway... SU's been a great distraction... but, deeper than that, it's really helped me define this "ani" person.
for a large part of my life, i'd been known by another name. let's call her Maria (the real name is too horrid for words).
anyway... Maria was a good little girl. she went to sunday school every sunday.
she came top of the class and got A's for everything.
she was prefect and head girl and all things sugar and spice.
she was also fat and ugly and basically disappeared into the background, so as not to offend too many people with her mere presence. (yes, i've always been like this. ;P)
slowly but surely, she was spotted by another girl trying to hide away from the world.
together, they explored the darkest corners of their hearts and minds... and, together, they found some light.
that girl was my boni and i will always love her for that. always. xx

anyway. somehow, i made it through high school with a boyfriend and was off to find some freedom at university. little did i know that university was just a big high school, where everyone's on break all the time. and i HATED break time. *sigh*
the one good thing i managed to do was change my name back to anita. with that, came a lot of bad memories, but i would deal with those later.
oh, and i also discovered the internet.. which was the beginning of another part of my life and would later help me more than i would ever believe.
otherwise, there was no time to "discover" myself as i became a graduate and girlfriend while maintaining my other challenging roles as daughter and friend.
a quiet desperation started to grow... and i was soon hit with a dark depression.

being "anita" was not easy. stuff from my childhood came back to haunt me... these things never go away. i'd spent most of my life running and hiding away from me... now i had to face it.
after getting the help i needed, i came to embrace "little anita" and tried my best to make up for lost time.
but, being a little girl in a big world is not an easy task. i never did feel the acceptance that she so deperately needed. ofcourse.. i was looking in all the wrong places at the time...
anyway, i carried on... getting a nice job, being a nice girl, getting married, doing housewifey stuff.
and the desperation grew...

as my real life became more unreal, i escaped further into the unreal and the cyber world.
looking back, i realised i was looking for a place to just be me.
for a long time, my tag line was "stumbling through life, just being me."
that only seemed possible online.
slowly, i started realising that online people were real people... and, if they could like me as i was.. well.. maybe i was ok, just as i was.

to be continued...

post one

i'm ani.
with a small "a".
most of my letters are small.
my thoughts are small.
my dreams are small.
all i really want is to be heard.
outside of my other forms of online expression,
i'd like this to be a private place for me just to... be.

so.
hi.
:)