What is home

Apparently this week's new moon is in Cancer... which is all about home, whether that means physically, spiritually or emotionally. Ah Home. Where art thou?

I've always struggled with finding a place where I feel completely at home - whether that is with friends or family or society in general. I've always felt like I've never fit in anywhere.

I do have a sense of family with my trance community but it's mostly limited to the party events. There are very few that translate to my real world and that's ok with me, I suppose. I've had a few work colleagues that I've felt "at home" with but, at the moment, I dont have that feeling.

I also dont get that family feeling from Afrikaburn friends. I admire many of the people that work and play in that space, but it's not the same kind of feeling for me. However I do feel like the place is a great space for me to explore my space in the world. There is something special that I get from being there that I cant really define or explain. It's challenging for me on many levels.... and I feel like it helps.... something.

So one of the projects from Afrikaburn 2016 was this very simple place where you just wrote and shared your story. My very simplified story is here on This I Confess, It's a rough description of the way I felt when I left my husband and the life that I felt I was "supposed to lead." It's still a work in progress, of course.

Because I also wrote this....

This I Confess - Short Confessions

It's actually from a song lyric from Adele's All I Ask. I still have Adele on repeat and that lyric still makes me quiver. Because.. what if that's it? Sigh.
I just found it really sweet that this was one of the few cards that people decided to respond to. So maybe there's hope. :)

I try not to think about it too much... but having a someone to come "home" to, is something I really miss. I know I'm a better person when I can share and give love... and I feel rather empty without this in my life. It just makes me sad that I cant find someone.... and someone cant find me.

This is why I listen to sad music....

Yep.

I also saw this quote today.... and I'm just going to sit with it....

“I want to know if you've touched the center of your own sorrow, if you've been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.” ― Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Because some days... like today... I feel shriveled up and closed. I just told my friend G that my life feels like I'm watching a movie. I feel happy and sad and joy and everything.... but deep down I know it's not all real.
How fucked up is that shit?

Maybe it's just one of those days.
Bleh.

xx
~anib

Annie, are you OK?

This week.... what a fucking rollercoaster. I was majorly pissed off that I didn't get to see my therapist last week but I just kept bottling up my feelings of anger until I exploded and almost fucked up a really important relationship to me. I really hate it when I do that. And I do it a lot.

Before the explosion, I felt this song pretty deeply. I could actually listen to Adele forever on repeat... but it's probably not healthy for me. Still.... the river lea is strong with me. 

Everybody tells me it's 'bout time that I moved on

And I need to learn to lighten up and learn how to be young

But my heart is a valley, it's so shallow and man made

I'm scared to death if I let you in that you'll see I'm just a fake

Sometimes I feel lonely in the arms of your touch

But I know that's just me cause nothing ever is enough

And all these feelings kept swirling around my head and I just could not find a way to express them. 

I kept saying "never mind" when asked about it. 

And, I think, the best thing I heard all week was: I mind. *mind blown*

And this was the second best thing I heard.... <3 p="">

Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK,?
Are you OK, Annie?

Guys... I am so ok. I'm loved and liked and more than tolerated by some really special people... even when I'm being a bitchy stupid emo drama princess. 

Like how did I even get that lucky? 

Ja. It's been a flippen journey. 

#blessed

~anib

Past things

Oh hello past things. Hello from the other side.... 

It's another Adele evening. Because there's only so many times that I can say goodbye to you. But every damn time... it hurts. And it's enough. Enough.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Lovely Adele reminds us that sometimes we can have a Spice Girls power day and sometimes we're just silly, happy drunks and sometimes we're a monster. But through it all... we're just ourselves, doing the best we can and just driving along through our lives.

Meh. I dont have any more words.
I'm regressing to 2006 ani where I just spoke in images.
And lots of Meh.
Grr. Urgh. Sigh.

Ok. I'm done.
x

Hello from the other side

EllenTube

So Adele's new song hit the world just before I left to go to London. And I listened... and sighed and let it go.

And then stuff happened and I didnt get to see him.... and on it played and played and played in my head.

I decided to let go of him and everything (ha ha well I tried) but dear lovely Dorothy Black forced me to critically evaluate my attachment to that song and him and all the unnecessary drama. Why do you keep calling if you're a million miles apart? He doesn't care. You shouldn't care. Just STAHP! And yet. And yet.

*breathes*

I'm trying.

I also managed to finish a book this year. This amuses me because I couldn't even finish "meditation for busy people" (granted it was very small writing for a little book) but I was very kindly gifted "The Art of Asking" written by Amanda Fucking Palmer. What an awesome fun weird rambling little read. I really wanted to gift it to my good friend in the UK so I did my best to finish that book before I got to see her.

One of the things Amanda talks about is the imposter theory. You can go read up about it but basically, I'm feeling it in every way this week. I dont feel like I fit in at work or in any of my social circles. I get this little panic every couple of years, it seems, and then I just change my social circles... completely. It's a weird little pattern. But it's there,

So, I'm suddenly super anti-afrikaburn at the moment. And losing my love with the trance "family". And also feeling like I'm in way over my head at work. Even though everything is actually fine and people really do like/appreciate me. I just dont feel it.

I'm just sitting with it at the moment and not running. But it's tough.

*breathes*

I'm trying.

xx

Stone heart

It's been a hectic week in South Africa. The hashtag generation decided to change the world.
#feesmustfall #nationalshutdown #uctshutdown #etcetcetc
I'm hashtagged out, lost a few facebook friends, emotionally drained and so so proud of my country. I really have much more to say on the topic but I've definately overdosed on this topic and I need a break.

So... cute kittens with Hannah? Yes.

I was chatting to a friend about life and love and stuff, as one does. He met up with an ex and I said "be careful with your heat." He said he'd be fine as he only had a stone cold heart left. Yeah right. Our hearts keep beating, despite all the beatings it gets.

And on that note.... GOOD GOD I LOVE YOU ADELE. New single released today. THIS IS MY LIIIIIIIIIFE :) <3 p="" queen="">

I'm going to London in two weeks. So much squee. So much OCD on planning.
And breathe.

~anib