Post Therapy thoughts

I had about a three week break from my therapist...  with public holidays and afrikaburn and life getting in the way. So it was nice going back yesterday... but also.... sigh. I'm so tired of my stuff.

I've been with Dr H since November 2012... almost five years. Geez. What an adventure. But he's been truly amazing... and I'm more than a little heartbroken that he'll be leaving the country at the end of August. Like actually a lot heartbroken. Devastated even.

I've had many therapists but he's been truly close to my heart. He challenges me and supports me in so many ways. And he sort of gets some of my ani-isms and calls me out on my bullshit. I'm interviewing a few new doctors this week but I actually really dont want to right now. I dont know.... I'll see how I feel after those appointments.

One of the things we discussed yesterday was my extreme jealousy of love and relationships... and how I take it out on my close friends. I really dont like that person that I become but it feels so overwhelming and impossible to control. I really feel like it will hurt my close friendships but I dont see any way of dealing with it. So I try to deal with it by being as honest as possible without hurting other people too much.

I just really do feel dead inside... I dont think I have the capacity or ability to love again. And that scares me but I dont know how to fix it.

I also spoke about afrikaburn and how lonely I felt. Ironic, because I know that I isolated myself among 13,000 people. There were moments where I enjoyed the quiet alone time but there are also questions about why I run away from any kind of intimacy. As I so eloquently put yesterday, if I see lightning strike in the middle of the desert but no one else is there to experience it with me, is it still a valid experience?

Anyway. My best friend is leaving Cape Town again. My therapist is leaving. And I feel completely and utterly alone in the world. Again.

Bleh.
xx

September 2016

I missed my September blog post. There's no reason, really, other than I've been occupied with lots of thoughts and things... but not enough for a coherent blog post.

So here's a random summary of September, without getting too deep into thoughts and feelings.

The month started with a trip to Citrusdal for an Afrikaburn type party. I wanted to "test drive" my chill area idea at trance parties and did a fully psychedelic chill area with decor from Luminos. It was lovely but didn't really fit in and I felt a little defeated. I mostly got over myself and hung out with my DPW friends and then cheered myself with a longer route home through the west coast. It was ok but I doubt that I'd attend again.

The weekend after that I attended Wolfkop for the first time as a thank you gift from Afrikaburn for my volunteer work. I'll admit that I really didn't even feel that I belonged there, but I made a nice chill space for people and tried my best to fit in. I also felt very intimidated by all the very very pretty people at that party and, really, the only thing that I dance to was Mafikzolo's song "Meet me at the River."  The rest of the music was this down tempo house techno crap that I just could not....

Anyway, it was a pretty place and the Afrikaburn people are always.... entertaining. I also got bitten so badly by mosquitoes so that sucked a little. I also took some leave from work because things were complicated and I was feeling really depressed and tired and... gatvol. :(

Two weeks after that, I attended Earthdance for just the Sunday. That was also a little different to normal as I went with some friends in the back of a bakkie and without all my "things." I tried to let go but I was a little worried. I also got fat shamed on the dancefloor which significantly affected my ability to "let go" and just have fun. That sucked.

So I dont know... I didnt enjoy it that much, I guess. Although I was really surrounded by an army of awesome people that really loved me. And I missed that scene a lot... so much so that I was overcome by emotion as I hit the dancefloor. It's a weird thing, these trance parties. So much shit goes on sometimes... but it's still such a place for growth for me. Still learning... still growing.

And this past weekend, I decided to attend an ecstatic dance class.... which was super weird and interesting and probably good for me. Still undecided about that whole thing, tbh. And then I attended the hoop day celebrations which was fun and playful and definitely good for me. And yesterday, I started painting the side wall. I want to make an ocean effect as I drive in. Heh. Cant wait to see this done.... although today, my back is PAINFULLY sore.

Totes worth it. :)

 Along the way, there have been some personal issues that I'm still dealing with. Once I've figured it all out, I'll post something more coherent and personal here. For now, I am just really grateful for friends that really listen and a therapist that helps me move forward.

Onwards!

~anib

Something about May

Cape Town in May by AJ Venter

There is something about Cape Town in May
When you hardly get a sunny day
But everyone you get, is the reason why you stay.

There is something about Cape Town in Winter
When the day is a small, short toffee center
wrapped in a long night’s splendor.

There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth
and nothing can get to me or cause me any harm.

May. Post Afrikaburn depression.... Mid-Autumn depression.... Death anniversaries... the start of the mid year slump .... and no fucking cuddle buddy again this year. Fun.

So, yes. Afrikaburn was lovely this year. I slept a lot, met so many interesting people and actually relaxed and had a sober(ish) fun time with real friends. I'm lucky and grateful for that. I still dont know why I go though.... but I do. And it helps..... something.

It's getting colder and darker in Cape Town. And while it's been lovely having an excuse to stay home and watch crappy movies, I do miss people and sun and parties.... sometimes.

And then death. Blah. Dad's death anniversary is tomorrow. 2012 feels like a lifetime ago at times. And, at other times, well... all the feels. At least I'm better than I was back then. Four years of radical self improvement, including four burns and countless trance parties and clown training and many many hours of therapy. God, I cant wait until therapy tomorrow.

But I'm better. At least I can acknowledge today that I am angry and sad and jealous.

And then there's boys and the distinct lack of action. I got kissed at Afrikaburn (not romantically though) but the idea was there and it was fun. And now I'm in the mood for it.... but not for relationships. I think. Maybe. I dont know.

Still, being around other relationships is making me feel grumpy and unhappy and inadequate. And that sucks. Fun.

Ok. I've got nothing more to add to this. I will talk about it in therapy tomorrow.

~anib

Girl friends

No Dorothy Black, this is not lovely....

this actually pissed me off so much, that I had to have some calming tea. All I see is a couple of lying bitches who want to see you fall.

*sigh*

At least I know why this pisses me off. For me, I have never been able to trust female friends. They've always seemed to betray me in some way or abandon me or generally not be reliable in any way. Because of this, I have tended to stay away from female friendships because I just dont trust women.

I know (through therapy), that this is largely due to my mom's inability to show me unconditional love. I know she loves and cares about me in her way but her way is filled with a lot of conditions, including "be good", "be quiet" and "dont embarrass me." (And I'm equally hard on others for the same things, of course.)

This affects so many things in my life. I lose myself in relationships with men because I so desperately want to be loved. I hold back in friendships with women because I'm so scared of being judged. I'm constantly self critical despite because nothing I ever do is ever good enough. And I've learnt not to trust anyone or anything and just do everything myself.

In fact, today, on the way to work, I saw a dog that had been ridden over. My only thought was that I should probably call someone to clean it up. It bothers me... a lot... that I have very little compassion for animals. It's not something I openly admit to because then people assume you're a psycho killer. I once explained to someone that I dont trust animals because I think they're just after something (food, shelter etc) and I dont see how you can care for something that just uses you. I realise, deeply and painfully, how fucked up this is. I'm kinda glad that motherhood seems to evade me. :/

You're supposed to learn unconditional love from your parents. If you dont, are you doomed to just never be able to accept love from anyone or anything?

Well maybe you're just doomed to life time therapy and learning to be ok with being alone.

Hat tip to Bean for this.... because I just dont get it. 

meh.

~anib

update on 2014

So. It's been a while.

I usually only feel like writing when I'm horribly miserable and I dont really want to explore all of those emotions publicly. I'm a little less miserable at the moment as I've been sick with some type of flu and a really bad cough for a few weeks now. But perhaps a random (and vague) catch-up of my mental state is important (at least for me).

Well nothing has changed in my personal life. In the romance field... nothing is growing. Not even a sniff of a possibility. I've sort of tried to accept that I'm actually not ready for a relationship anyway and subjecting someone to the mess that is me, at this point in my life, would be a little dangerous. But still. You know.

In the field of friendships.... I am not really trying. In fact, I seem to be pushing people away. I've written off quite a few friends over small transgressions (and some with good reason, I think). It's got more to do with me, of course, but I haven't let anyone into my circle of trust in a long time. And I really dont want to let back anyone from my past. If I've made mistakes, tough. But I do still wonder what if, maybe, but...? And that doesn't help.

I'm still a bit social in small doses... but nothing of any substance, I think. People appear to like me but, I um... am not convinced. The doc and my only close(ish) friend has reminded me on numerous occasions that the only person who doesn't like me is me. Touche.

The doc says I'm depressed and have been for a while. And here I thought, this was the happiest I've been in a while. I am actually really happy at work. And I still have a great time at trance parties (although I have cut down on this "addiction" this year). I guess I still have a shit load of unresolved issues that come up from time to time... which I'm working through... kinda. You know.

The hardest part of life at the moment is being on my own... with myself... by myself.

A friend's mother passed away recently and another friend's mother is dying from cancer. I feel like a terrible friend because I really just cant deal with things like this. I'm having dreams about my father and grandmother... and I wake up and feel like I'm mourning their loss all over again. I still dont get on with my mother which is apparently why I'm unable to make female friends. So.... there's also that. I honestly dont see any resolution in this... ever. That's pretty depressing.

Otherwise, I'm just looking forward to getting away from Cape Town over the silly season. I need a proper break away from everything. I'm always so tired over November and December and I really need to take care of myself. I'm trying. In small doses.

Hopefully next year, I will have enough money to go away on my own. For now, I just need to get better.

Toodles.

~anib

Forget about it

There are days... sometimes weeks... sometimes years... that can feel like you're dragging yourself through mud. When every minute of every day feels like a struggle. When, a little too often, you have to make the conscious choice to keep going, to not give up.
Those days feel cold, dark... and so very lonely.

I somehow managed to get out of such a slump recently. There were lots of internal reasons for it.. but mainly I was raging against this idea that looking to love to "save yourself from yourself" is not the answer.
I was angry. Sad. But mainly pissed off that lots of other people seem perfectly happy fixing their broken selves with love.... but I had to stay away from love and go do the shitty work of fixing myself first.
Not that I actually had a choice here.. but still. I raged. And emo'd.
Hard.

But I got over it. And, funnily enough (oh thank god I got my sense of humour back.. I missed that the most), I stumbled onto this clip from the Emmy's last night. Here's some Woody Wisdom for you:



And even though I dont really blog here a lot... I do share lots of things in different places. I've recently re-discovered a place called Categorian. And it's always interesting looking back...
Even though I know this wont help when I'm in "the black hole" again, I'm putting these up.
Because future emo ani,... you will get through it.
And you will be ok.
Possibly even better.
Promise.

                                                                 

                                             The trick is in what one emphasizes. 

                                                      We either make ourselves miserable, 
                                                           or we makes ourselves happy. 

The amount of work is the same

                       

~ anib

Blog Challenge - Day 1 to 3 of 31 days of Blogging

I could write something personal and touching but I have a therapist for that. And I just dont want to talk about what I'm thinking or feeling these days. So... let's try this: A blog challenge for 31 days... that will not be updated daily. But we'll see how it goes.

Born in Woodstock. Grew up in Maitland. Schooled in Goodwood. Lived in Bellville, Parow, Plumstead, West Beach and now back to the 'wood.

Was top of the class in primary school and high school. Prefect and head girl type. Went to UCT. BCom(Acc). Failed final honours year but got first time pass in Board 1 and 2 and qualified as a CA(SA).

Had one boyfriend in high school (18) that I married when I was 23. He was 13 years older. Got divorced when I was 29 after a year of trial separation. Partly due to an online love interest (me and then him) but also had a miscarriage and related depression. I am still repaying his debt (our home loan). He has disappeared.

Quit my job at the time and was unemployed for almost 2 years. Took a massage class. And did pilates. Met a boy that was serious. And then met a few other boys that weren't.  Met a man that made me pay for everything including his bail money. Took him to Mozambique too. Paid for everything.

Met a trance acquaintance at ex-boy's wedding. Went to trance parties more often. Met lots of interesting people. Have a new family that loves me for me. Went to Afrikaburn!

Father died in May 2012. Went to Portugal that year to visit family and to Helsinki (to meet a man).

Have a new job now that interests and excites me.

I smile a lot more easily these days.

~249 words

1. dancing
2. making someone smile
3. toasted cheese sandwich
4. kissing
5. the colour pink
6. youtube
7. the wizard of oz
8. earbuds
9. laughing
10. lindt dark chocolate balls.

Hard one. Not a lot of pics that I like of me but trance parties have made me look good with bright happy pics of me all over the place. The truth is, I dont always feel super happy. But this pic from Origin 2013... I was pretty happy and relaxed. I made lots of new friends and had fun.Also... the happy hat made its début at this party.

Next update in a few days time. Have Vortex this weekend. :)

~anib

Keeping secrets

Coincidences are funny things. Or maybe they're pretty serious things that you should pay attention to. Either way, at least they're good blog fodder. ;)

So, today, I was able to see my doc and we discussed many thing. But he left me with an unanswerable question that has stayed with me: why do you keep the secret?

Coincidently, Ms Dorothy Black posted this blog today about secrets saying, "secrets are created in a context of shame." And, by not speaking of that shame, I guess you stay stuck in it.

No shit. :)

I keep lots of secrets from different people for various reasons. Usually it's because I assume people would judge or dislike me for who I am. Being loved and accepted is something I struggle with a lot. I guess it comes down to the feeling that I'm not good enough. 

So... I dont lie... but I dont tell the complete truth. I know this creates barriers between me and others and no one really stands a chance to get "in". 
I know this.
But still.
Aint that sad? 
Yeah. It is. 

true story

oh, hello shadow

My biggest secret is the one that keeps me in fear. The biggest fear is fear of rejection. And feeling like I would be blamed... be punished... be alone.

So I guess I've decided that I will live with the lies and the burden of truth. I'll wait for the scars to heal. I'll figure a way to never be vulnerable again. 

Or maybe I will speak.
Maybe.
Soon.

~anib

Unpacking the house

I have only a few close friends that I discuss my therapy sessions with. It's not something that I share easily because the things I discuss in those sessions are things that I hide very well... evenfrom myself. I dont really love the sessions because it's such hard work emotionally. But I'm doing it because I have to. For me.

So, while discussing a particular hard sessions with said close friends, I was told that I dont really need to deal with all of my issues at once. My dear friend gave me the advice that sometimes it's good to put your issues in a box and pack it away to deal with later.

I laughed and quipped: "I hear you but... I have so many boxes that have been put away, I cant move anymore without tripping over them." My therapist thought it was a good analogy and, so, we continue unpacking the issues.

The interesting thing is, this image has seeped into my unconscious and now I'm having recurring dreams/nightmares of my house filled with boxes and me trying to unpack them. My therapist happens to have an interest in dream analysis so I've been intrigued by his opinions. And I really do appreciate someone that takes my rather interesting imagination seriously. :)

So the first dream I had, I was excitedly telling my close friends about how I was getting rid of all these boxes. Someone was going to take them away and I was excited about all the things I was going to put into my new house. Of course, I didnt actually do any of the unpacking and moving out of the boxes. 

The next dream was on the anniversary of my dad's birthday... which, in the conscious world, I didnt really want to acknowledge. In my dream, I was in a car getting ready to go somewhere. I turned around and saw my dad. I was a bit shocked but he seemed so nonchalant about being there so I calmed down and thought that maybe I had imagined his death and everything.... *sigh*

And then I'm in my house and it is stacked to the roof with stuff.. some in boxes, most not.  And now I'm getting desperate to get rid of them. I have all this stuff from everyone else that I need to get out but I'm not sure how. I remember about four or five stacked mattresses and telling someone to please just take it all away. 

And, while I'm panicking about this.... I retreat back to my aunt's place which is empty and warm and a happy place for me. But I'm not happy because I know I'm just running away from what I have to do.

And that's when I woke up at 4am and managed to spill boiling hot water all over myself and now have a burn wound all across my stomach. Lesson learned eh?

Yeah, yeah.
We'll see.

xx

~anib

Fight or Flight

A (long?) while ago I wrote a post about how I wanted to fly far away. 

I still want to run away sometimes... but I know that I've become stronger by staying and "fighting" another day. At the moment, I seem to be fighting my inner negative critical voice. She's a toughie.... but with some help from the doc, I'm at least starting to hear her.

The next step is to fight back... I'm working on it.

I'm being taught how to be quiet and spend time alone and just listen. In the quiet times, I often get angry and sad .. feelings that I'm not comfortable with at all. But I am trying to welcome them and let them flow. Because I really cant keep trying to ignore them.

It's time to let it flow. 

  

For a long time, I was a mermaid... submerging myself and all my emotions under a sea of relative safety. Only the very brave would find me in the depths and try to bring me out. There is also the romantic idea that I dont belong in this world... that this world was not meant for me. It was my safety mechanism to believe that I didnt need to be an active participant in this life. It was easier to be a victim.

For the last year, I've become attached to the metaphor of the butterfly.Butterflies are beautiful and free to fight or flight with utter grace. But they have lots of work to do in order to get to that stage. No one admires the caterpillar or sees their struggles before they become butterflies.

At Afrikaburn, I was a butterfly but my real inner struggles came after the party in the desert. My struggles continue. And, while I admire the butterfly and aspire to its freedom... I have a long way to go. 

So I'm not going to wish I could fly away anymore. I'm going to fight it out as a caterpillar on the ground. 

But the butterfly's time is coming. 

See you in the skies. 

:)

 

~anib

The need

It's been a crazy year.... CRAZY.  But it all seems to be working out. Who woulda thought, eh?!
I still haven't managed to blog about afrikaburn and butterflies in strange places and things i learned in therapy. Oh and my birthday month.... it was all good, ok?
It's all important but not. :)

The selected highlights are: I have a fantastic new job that excites me and turns me on in so many ways. I'm ridiculously in love with the company, the people, the job, the challenge, the potential for awesomness. Yes... in love. So who's got time for silly boys? Um... yeah. :)

I just really came here to post this song... and these lyrics. Because... this is where I am now.
Work is great. Friends are amazing. Personal growth is growing.
But there is still a need...

The hardest thing I've ever done is keep believing
There's someone in this crazy world for me
The way that people come and go through temporary lives
My chance could come and I might never know

I used to say no promises let's keep it simple
But freedom only helps you say goodbye
It took a while for me to learn that nothing comes for free
The price I paid is high enough for me

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find

So here I am with pockets full of good intentions
But none of them will comfort me tonight
I'm wide awake at 4 a.m. without a friend in near sight
I'm hanging on a hope that I'm all right

I know I need to be in love
I know I've wasted way too much time
I know I ask perfection of a quite imperfect world
And fool enough to think that's what I'll find 


Good night, lovelies.
xx

~anib