Past things

Oh hello past things. Hello from the other side.... 

It's another Adele evening. Because there's only so many times that I can say goodbye to you. But every damn time... it hurts. And it's enough. Enough.

Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Lovely Adele reminds us that sometimes we can have a Spice Girls power day and sometimes we're just silly, happy drunks and sometimes we're a monster. But through it all... we're just ourselves, doing the best we can and just driving along through our lives.

Meh. I dont have any more words.
I'm regressing to 2006 ani where I just spoke in images.
And lots of Meh.
Grr. Urgh. Sigh.

Ok. I'm done.
x

A long time ago

a long long time ago in a place called stumbleupon (SU), i was given a platform for the first time in my life to express myself creatively without any limits. i used to blog, write, collect images.. and make music videos. i also went by my "real name": anitab. 

this was on purpose. 

(this was also way before social media and companies checking your online activities.)

the purpose was, and always has been, to find anitab.

a fun little part of SU was our avatars. i used to change my avatar almost daily to reflect a current mood or another side of me. it became a "thing". it became something important to me. 

each and every one of my "avatar girls" became a part of me.

as i embraced their beauty, their quirkiness.... 

i started embracing mine.

these videos were compiled from all the pics of my "avatar girls". 

there are many children in these images. and many grown woman yearning for love. 

and lots of butterflies and bubbles and pink and hearts.

 and babies. 

and eyes. 

and sadness.

these videos still bring me to tears because they meant so much to me at the time. 

and, i guess.. they still do.

i guess i'm still looking.

and, i guess...

i still dont see.

i can smile a little when i look back today, though.

so many of the things i wanted for myself have come true.

i really do have some amazing friends.

there are people that "see" me.

i can dance with abandon.

i have great clothes and play with fashion.

i dyed my hair blue and purple.

i recovered from heartbreak.

barely.

that was the last video i created. 

my editing got a little better... and i got a little bit more hopeful about my future.

at first the butterflies seemed to be my way out and help me escape from the pain and sadness.

by the end, it seemed like the butterflies gave me more power to just be.

i dont have a conclusion...

yet...

other than this has been going on for a long time.

and long enough.

i'm tired of being sad.

good night.

~anib

New things in 2014

So 2014 has been an experience so far. I had another great new year's eve party at Boomerang spent mostly with my good friend Dawie and a few new friends and other lovely people I've got to know in 2013. But by the end of the 1st January, I was already relearning a very important lesson from 2013: boundaries are a good idea.

The details are not important but I got very tired of some people taking advantage of generosity and kindness. Everyone has to set their own limits but I know that I am done with leechy type friends. Friendship has to be about give and then take. And if that means I lose a few friendly faces along the way, I'm ok with that now. It just makes me angry when my friends are taken advantage of.

Another new revelation this year was a nice boy showing some interest in me (not directly to me though). I was pretty surprised by the news and nothing has happened yet... but it's an interesting phenomena that I'm not quite sure how to deal with.

The funny thing is, another young man seemed to be attempting to test the waters with me yesterday and I was... well... scared. I actually literally ran away. Poor boy. :)

It's a pretty weird thing being attracted to someone and hoping they like you back. How do you decide that you like someone back? Isn't love supposed to be a big bang kinda thing?? I have been noticing the male species more often these days after letting go of the men I cant have. I've also been trying to switch my brain into "relationship mode" because I dont want something quick and dirty. I want the whole shebang. But how do you know when you have it?

I'm not even sure what "relationship ani" would look like. All I know is, everything that I used to do was just wrong. I've changed a lot and so my relationship skills need to change too. But I have no idea how I am supposed to act in a relationship. Should I wait until I do know? Are there any tester boyfriends I could practice on? Poor boys... ;)

And people always say that it's good to be friends before you become lovers but how do you even go from friendly guy friend to passionate lovers? It's a weird situation but I'm not going to push it. I'll wait and see what happens. Or is that too safe? I'm not sure.

Argh.
2014 is going to be interesting. :)

~anib

The boy fast

I went shopping earlier today, trying a whole bunch of clothes in different shops. I haven't really done that in ages and it was fun. I'm not the easiest person to shop for because I'm not a small girl but as I tried on the clothes, I had some new thoughts in my head. Instead of thinking, "well it fits so I guess I should take it", I started asking myself  "do i really like this?", "does it flatter me?" and even "does this make me happy?". I never used to ask questions like that... in any area of my life.


So, for the last couple of months, I've been on a "Boy Fast" of sorts. Although I haven't been in a "real" relationship for years , I haven't exactly been alone. I fell into these relationships that were not really relationships, and got myself tangled up into all kinds of emotional drama. I didn't feel like I was hurting anyone (including myself)... until I decided to fall head over heels in stupid love with Mr T.

So apparently when I fall in love... and it's not reciprocated... I get mad and then sad... and then decide to stay away from boys completely. I cant explain why this one was different to all the others. My therapist blames the daddy issues. I cant deny that. But whatever the reason, I was addicted to this man. And I loved it.... needed it... wanted it.

It wasn't meant to be, however, but it did teach me an important lesson: I want to fall in love, be in love... and really want and need to feel loved in return. So I decided that I had had enough of crumbs and wanted something more. And so I waited to see what the universe would throw at me next.

It didn't take too long for another guy to show some interest (even though it was erratic). But I was proud that, for the first time, I didn't jump right in but, instead, decided to stop and ask some important questions like "do I really like him?", "is this what I really want?" and....  "does this make me happy?"

The answers were not easy to face and I realised that part of my problem was this fear of letting go in case... this was "it". What if no one better came along? What if I never get to have the family I want? What if I didn't really deserve the best? 

I've (felt like I've) never had the pleasure of a choice in men. I've always just kinda waited for someone to notice me and show me some attention. And then I would be whatever they wanted me to be. I guess it's pretty obvious why my relationships don't work out.

It's taken me a very long time to see this part of me. I haven't written about my Afrikaburn experience yet but it was a big step forward for me in terms of finding my own "space'. My intention was to turn into a butterfly which, for me, means becoming more of who I really am. And maybe I haven't figured it all out yet but I'm starting to realise what I dont want. And that's at least a good step forward.

So, with all the love and support of my new friends... I am exploring me and decided to rather not engage with men until I am strong enough to be my own person. My dear friend Manni wrote about part of my story here, saying "If her sabbatical from dating was the reason she'd become a lotus flower, then I was in desperate need of the recipe." 

And I do feel good. Better. But I guess it's always easy when you dont have temptation... ;) But, even after rejecting the last little temptation, I do still sit up sometimes at night and worry.

I worry sometimes that I wont feel that crazy love again for someone else. 
I worry that I'm too this or that for anyone to really love the real me.
I worry that my heart could go cold and I could forget moments like this... 
"There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth"
From Cape Town in May by silentcoder

I worry that I wont find "me".
I worry that I will.

So with all of that going on in my head... who's got time for boys....! 

~anib

Not about a boy

dont give me what i want

This is not about a boy.. or a man, for that matter.
Well, in many ways, I guess it is. But not anyone that's around at the moment...

The month of March was spent running into the arms of someone that, I thought, would be the answer. The problem was, I wasn't even clear what the question was. I'm super grateful to the doc for opening my eyes to what I've actually been looking for. And how completely pointless it is looking for what I need outside of the four walls of my brain (and heart).

Not that I believe the doc, of course. Not yet, anyway. But I'm told that I'm perfectly capable of providing myself with all the love that I need. Oh, how I chuckled. ahem. But seriously.. I cant even imagine being nice to myself.. or (eww) spending time alone and being (laughs harder) happy. I will work on it, I guess. I need to find out who I am without "everything". The alternative hasn't been working out so well so I guess I dont have much of a choice here.

I guess it isn't rocket science that it all seems to come down to mommy and daddy issues. The best way that I can describe it is via an image I remember from an Oprah show (no judgies) that showed a whole bunch of tubes at different ages. This represented the love that you should've received at each age. So if you get enough love, the tube is filled up and you can give more when you're older. Apparently, I missed out on some parental love from about 10 to... um.. nowish. So I need to fill up. And am currently unable to give anything useful to anyone. *sad face*

I know that I've been looking in all the wrong places for something. I just never knew what I was looking for.. and why I was feeling so disappointed by everyone and everything. It's not everyone.. it's me. Sorry, everyone. Yes, I do feel bad for causing so much unnecessary drama. Learning to forgive myself seems to be the hardest step in moving forward. I get stuck in all the mistakes... and I dont know how to even have a normal relationship anymore. I react in a childish way when I dont get what I want because... well, I guess I'm still a child in love terms. When someone asked me the other day if I'd even been in love.. I had to give a blank stare and say "I dont know." *sigh*

So the latest "mistake" just awakened a deep desire for a connection... a desire to be wanted and adored... and taken care of. And I found myself becoming desperately needy for any kind of attention. And hating myself for it. And going back and doing it all over again. It's absolutely soul crushing. And I still cant stop it. The doc says that I need to treat this desperate need for love like an addiction.  So my plan of action is going "cold turkey" on all men and possible relationships.

"And how's that working out for you?"
Not well, doc.. not well at all.

~anib

Losing

So after Monday's tingly feelings... we went out... had some fun (not that kind of fun) and landed up as friends. I should be ok with that... but I'm just not.

I feel like I've lost something

This isn't about any "him".

I feel like I've lost something more important: a bit of hope, the ability to trust completely, the capacity to love and be loved.

And I really hate how familiar this feeling feels.

Image used with permission from the photographer. 

Words from Elizabeth Bishop

Tingled

I'm feeling tingled.

It's a good feeling... :)
It's a little bit of nervous excitement mixed with hope and endless possibilities.
And a healthy dose of fear and anxiety, of course.
I'm feeling tingled with the possibility of maybe... possibly... a love interest.

I can honestly say that it's been a while since I've had a serious maybe. I am so tired of games and no strings and complicated stories. I just want someone to like me. All of me. Just me.

It's been a long while. So I'm obviously super cautious. And, it seems, so is he.

And I could just be running away with this possibility without really thinking about it too much .... but I kinda like being run away with.

I guess I will have to check with the guy and see what he says. I could just ask and end the wondering. Or maybe it's enough to just have a maybe.
Maybe.
I dont know.
God, I hate being 16. ;)

Just A Kiss. by ~AnaKidd

In other news.. check out snail sex.

~anib

PS: yay! :)

daddy's little girl

Well there went January... oh and hello February.
I have actually been busy. I'll try to write more.
But, to be honest, having actual therapy is making this form of cheap therapy a bit redundant.

looking up

I survived Valentine's Day. It wasn't a big issue. I feel so loved and accepted by new and old friends at the moment. It's amazing. And new. I dont think I've ever felt like that before... even in a relationship. And that's um... well that's kinda sad, I guess.

I guess the trance parties are part of the abundant joy I have right now. It's a little piece of paradise that I find hard to explain. I try here. I've met new people... I've done new things... I can just be. Happiness!! :)

But still. It's hard to ignore the intimate relationship part of Vday. I didnt think about it too much... until I saw videos of Dr House singing again. Which reminded me of a "forever love" that was never really finished. Or maybe it was and I really didnt want it to be. I made the stupid mistake of saying hi again and... I walked away disappointed. Again.

I have to ask myself why I keep doing that.

On Friday night I was close to calling up the man-child again. I'm only grateful that I had blocked him on whatsapp and had to consider the hassle of unblocking and inviting him back into my life. Dinner for one worked out just fine. Although I did land up buying cigarettes because... I dont know. I guess I needed time to think and breathe.

Which brings me to the issue: why do I keep loving men who dont show me love?

*big breathe*

"i thought too much. i worried too much."

This is really difficult because I'd like to think that my dad and I had a good relationship. The honest truth is that we didnt have a relationship. And, for a very long time, I was just a little girl looking for love and attention.

My earliest memory was of him teaching me how to swim in the sea and him holding me while I kicked in the waves. But, earlier than that, I remember I did something really bad and he hit me. He never hit me after that but I guess I had always been trying to get his approval since. And maybe I'm still trying... looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate for attention. That's a hard realisation... and not an observation that I like about myself.

I had a whole bunch of other things going on as a little girl that I dont really want to go into here. But, in many ways, I felt very alone in the world. I guess I was always looking for someone to protect me and save me from bad things. That never happened. And I got horribly heartbroken every time one of my men let me down.  Living up to my impossible standards, I suppose that was inevitable. :(

So I'm spending some time with little ani again. She needs some healing. I've been looking at posts from my old StumbleUpon blog which included letters that I had written to her. At that stage, I was starting to get disappointed by my ex-husband and my world was falling apart.

1 June 2008: 
an ode to the little one
i have walked a long path with you, my dear
i should've held your hand and helped you
but it was you... you held me up..
you're a brave, strong little girl
and i will always love you
but now you can walk on your own
and i must grow up
goodbye little girl
*hug*

And again in 2010, after another heartbreak....

5 June 2010:  
little one... i love you. 
you're brave...and strong... and i love you... deeply. 
you are more than this... you are safe... you are loved. 
you are special... you are greater than your body.. your spirit shines bright. 
i love you. i love you. 
xx 

So here I sit... with this impossible heartbreak.
I dont know how to move on from here.

~anib

Downfall

I know you know... but, just for my own records.. you are my sweetest downfall.
And I'm going to let myself be taken down....
Because I like it.
And I need it.
xx

My idea of fun

"Wanna have some fun?"
Yeah! Life is too short... let's have FUN!
Oh wait... what do you mean by fun?
Oh... that. You just want "no strings" access to my body parts?
That's um.. sweet. Tempting.. but no thanks.
Want to know what my idea of fun is?

Let's talk about how to make the world a better place.
I want to hear your ideas, your hopes and dreams for the future.
I want to know what makes your heart ache... what makes you laugh out loud.
I want to know your deepest darkest secret... and then laugh together at how silly it is.
I want to know your fears and weaknesses... and love you anyway.
I want coffee made for me, just the way I like it.
I want chocolate and flowers.. because "I thought of you today."
Body parts? You want body parts? Let me show you how.. and where... in a million different ways. Isn't that better than one sloppy drunken night? It is for me...

Know what else is fun? Having a life growing inside you.
One that I made with you... a combination of both our lives... a part of both of us.. forever. How fun is that?!
Then we get to watch it grow... we love and nurture it together.. we learn, we grow.. together.
I see you every day, and learn more about you every day.. and love you more... every single day.
And you teach me more about myself.. and I grow and change.. and become a better person because of you. And you love me... more and more.
Are we having fun yet?

So... yeah. I like having fun.
I want fun... with someone who knows what it's really all about.
Call me when you grow up and figure it all out.

love ani.
yes... love me.
it's all or nothing.
i'm worth it.
xx

Stumbling through Relationships

So I've had this post in draft for a while.
It's been in my head for an even longer while.
After a divorce and another failed relationship, it makes sense to want to go back and think about “what went wrong”. The details of “what went wrong” will be kept between me and the parties involved.
I do believe that every experience in life is there to teach us something about ourselves. They say, when you lose, don't lose the lesson. Well, I'm still learning.. but, taking into account my mistakes, this is what I've learned about myself.

One thing's for sure... I'm not going to stop being attracted to brains. Yes, I'm a zombie... I want Braaaaaaaains. :P
Ahem. But seriously. The people that I tend to associate with are usually highly intelligent.I've never really liked being smart.At school, it was just never ever a cool thing to be. It got so bad that during University, I actively started slacking off and tried to be dumb to fit in. As with everything though, I excelled too well at it, and landed up failing my Honours year at UCT. Along with it, I lost a job at a Big 4 audit firm. Well done ani! *rolls eyes*
Anyway... it all worked out for the best, I guess. I re-did my Honours and passed Board I and II exams first time. All of a sudden... being smart was cool again. I associated with new people, smart people and was admired and respected for who I was. So THAT's what real friendship is all about. Live and learn. :)

But I digress. My point was... I love intelligent people.
I don't know enough about everything, but I admire people who want to know more.
I love people that can play with words... the writers and the poets.
I admire the skill of musicians and artists.
I adore people who care about the state of the world and truly, deeply care about their fellow man.
Whatever you're good at... do it well and do it with your whole heart.

While I admire the “head” intelligence, it really does mean nothing without a good heart. I've learned that I have a good heart. I need someone who will not use and abuse that.
Probably one of my many faults is that I love too deeply... I give too much...
Many others have said that this is one of my best qualities.
My heart still feels a little bruised, so I'm going to lock it away for a bit.
But I cannot imagine a love that does not completely overwhelm every one of my senses. It has to be passionate and crazy and consume my world. It's all or nothing with me. And yes, I'm worth it. :)

Other than that... physical things don't really matter.
I think I have an irrtional dislike of blonde people, though. Some of my best friends are blonde (no, really!) but I'm a brown haired, brown eyed girl.. and I suppose like attracts like in this sense.
Or perhaps it's just comforting to stick to what you know. I'm willing to change my mind about that.

But you can always get me with your eyes.
A kind man once said that he was too scared to look into my eyes because it felt like I could see everything in his soul. Yeah.. I'm pretty intense, I guess. And I need to have eyes that can stare right back into my soul. You can't just look at me and feel... indifferent.I have to be moved....shaken to my core. It's happened before... and I don't want to settle for anything less.

Other than brains and heart and eyes... what more could a woman want?
Well, you have to be honest with me... 100% honesty... ALL the time.
I require monogamy too. This appears to be an old-fashioned idea, but I believe that it's still possible. If it's not, feel free to go swing in another tree. Freak. *cough*

But I digress...again. More than anything... there has to be an acceptance and understanding of who I am. This is no easy task as I'm still unsure of who I am. Which is why I need to just sort myself out first. Everyone has their demons to fight, but I really feel that I need to get to a place where I'm ok with the mess that I am.
I'm almost there. I can feel it.
I'm getting more and more confident in my skin... and surrounding myself with people that love and support me, with no ulterior motives.

While I've met some wonderful boys... there is currently no one in my life that has me wowed.
I still think back to the passionate loves I've had... and I miss it very much.
But I need something more.
There are great things ahead of me... I can feel it.
In my fingers.
I feel it in my toes.
Love is all around me.
And so the feeling grows.
*chuckles to herself*
^_^.