Oh the many stories that are in those three words.But, the most recent story is an actual robbery that happened last week Sunday. My ID book, bank cards, cellphone and some cash got stolen out of my car. To be honest, it was a pretty easy robbery as my friend had left my car door open and I had left everything there.. waiting for karma.
And I was angry.... and sad. So very sad for all the old messages that I had lost. Lost hopes and dreams that were contained in text messages and whatsapps ... hoping for a different outcome. It took me a few days to feel the freedom of letting that all go. Ex-loves and ex-friends and conversations that no longer exist... are all gone. The new phone feels empty but a little liberating too.
Being without cash was also an interesting experience for four days. I've been unemployed before... but I had a credit limit back then. I had no access to my own money for about four days... and I was stressed and felt really useless. I love spoiling my friends and family and I love being able to take care of myself. So it wasnt a great experience to feel stuck at home again with no other option.
Overall, it was good to feel that sense of loss and realise I would still be ok, without all my normal "stuff" with me. I managed to do without for the most part and have got back everything I needed... and sometimes a little more (I just LOVE my new cellphone!).
My dear hippy friends tell me that the energies are busy changing as we're moving out of a serpent cycle. So the hippy snake can have my old phone and my old connections. I'm ready to shed the old snake skin and come out all shiny and clean and free from the past.
Looking back at the past week, I actually did have a good break (mentally and emotionally) from an old part of my past and connected more deeply with some friends that are part of my future.
All in all... a good experience.
Who knew?!
:)
~ anib
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Showing posts with label letting go. Show all posts
Monday, January 20, 2014
Wednesday, November 14, 2012
Working it out
So a few things have been happening and I've been dying to write them down... but I'm also so overwhelmed by all the things going on in my brain that I dont really know where to start.
I guess I'll start with my last doc appointment where we talked about the "man-child". And boy, was it a tough discussion. I'm a teeny tiny bit defensive about the whole situation because, well, I'm being a bloody idiot but I feel like I dont really have much of a choice. For reasons of modesty (and embarrasment), I wont go into all the details here but I decided to just let go of that whole relationship. No drama, no messy breakup, no awkward facebook posts (ok, I had a few but give me a break). I'm just walking away.
Of course, I had already booked a weekend away at a party so I went along to the party with him, hoping we could keep our distance and do our own thing. Well (surprise!) that didnt work out at all. It was an utter disaster. But, this time, it was because I actually put my foot down about things that I wanted to do. But he still dragged me into things I didnt want to do... and dictated for me what a "fun time" was. Apparently this included climbing/hiking up a mountain in sandles in 30C heat. Oh wait... he then said afterwards that he did it for me because I needed it. Because I'm fat. Obviously. Well thank you, you little passive aggressive shit.
But otherwise, I'm ok. :)
Talking about hideous body, during my doc appointment, the gym issue did come up and I did feel like I didnt really have any excuse to not go anymore. I actually liked going to gym but I was always tired and/or busy. Once I got rid of the man-child and his time and energy (and money! grr!!) wasting ways, I had more space to go to gym again.
I had the best intentions... really. I walked in on Monday evening and went to weigh myself. I almost cried. I was back to where I was when I started last year. I basically lost and gained 10kg in a year. F***. I went upstairs to start walking and all the machines were busy... so I literally tossed in the towel and stormed back home... in a hell of a storm that just happened to hit Cape Town that minute. Like, really universe?? Thanks for nothing!
I got home safe and sound.... but my mom was petrified of the thunder and lightning and had switched off all the electricity. So I went into my other job - mom caretaker. I love my mom. I feel guilty for neglecting her the last couple of weeks while gallivanting with the man-child but I do the best that I can. I will try to be better. I also realised that her birthday falls on the six month anniversary of my dad's passing. So... it's going to be a rough month ahead.
On Tuesday night, I decide to try gym again. I decided to go to the yoga class because yoga is manageable and it's a class so there should be space. I got there a minute or two before the class and felt a bit intimidated by the people already in the class. They were already sitting in the proper yoga sitting pose. I couldnt handle the competition (yes, really) so off I went to find a walking machine. I did about half an hour and went home. It's good enough for a start.
I will have to think some more about the things that happened today before I can blog about it but I'm happy that I feel loved by a few good friends. We all show love in different ways. My problem is that I try to find love in all the wrong places when I should just accept the love that I already have. I realised today that I'm not as stupid or unlovable as I thought I was.
I also have really been through a lot. So I should probably give myself a break.
And... I really should be enough. :)
~anib
I guess I'll start with my last doc appointment where we talked about the "man-child". And boy, was it a tough discussion. I'm a teeny tiny bit defensive about the whole situation because, well, I'm being a bloody idiot but I feel like I dont really have much of a choice. For reasons of modesty (and embarrasment), I wont go into all the details here but I decided to just let go of that whole relationship. No drama, no messy breakup, no awkward facebook posts (ok, I had a few but give me a break). I'm just walking away.
Of course, I had already booked a weekend away at a party so I went along to the party with him, hoping we could keep our distance and do our own thing. Well (surprise!) that didnt work out at all. It was an utter disaster. But, this time, it was because I actually put my foot down about things that I wanted to do. But he still dragged me into things I didnt want to do... and dictated for me what a "fun time" was. Apparently this included climbing/hiking up a mountain in sandles in 30C heat. Oh wait... he then said afterwards that he did it for me because I needed it. Because I'm fat. Obviously. Well thank you, you little passive aggressive shit.
But otherwise, I'm ok. :)
 |
| Letting go |
Talking about hideous body, during my doc appointment, the gym issue did come up and I did feel like I didnt really have any excuse to not go anymore. I actually liked going to gym but I was always tired and/or busy. Once I got rid of the man-child and his time and energy (and money! grr!!) wasting ways, I had more space to go to gym again.
I had the best intentions... really. I walked in on Monday evening and went to weigh myself. I almost cried. I was back to where I was when I started last year. I basically lost and gained 10kg in a year. F***. I went upstairs to start walking and all the machines were busy... so I literally tossed in the towel and stormed back home... in a hell of a storm that just happened to hit Cape Town that minute. Like, really universe?? Thanks for nothing!
I got home safe and sound.... but my mom was petrified of the thunder and lightning and had switched off all the electricity. So I went into my other job - mom caretaker. I love my mom. I feel guilty for neglecting her the last couple of weeks while gallivanting with the man-child but I do the best that I can. I will try to be better. I also realised that her birthday falls on the six month anniversary of my dad's passing. So... it's going to be a rough month ahead.
On Tuesday night, I decide to try gym again. I decided to go to the yoga class because yoga is manageable and it's a class so there should be space. I got there a minute or two before the class and felt a bit intimidated by the people already in the class. They were already sitting in the proper yoga sitting pose. I couldnt handle the competition (yes, really) so off I went to find a walking machine. I did about half an hour and went home. It's good enough for a start.
I will have to think some more about the things that happened today before I can blog about it but I'm happy that I feel loved by a few good friends. We all show love in different ways. My problem is that I try to find love in all the wrong places when I should just accept the love that I already have. I realised today that I'm not as stupid or unlovable as I thought I was.
I also have really been through a lot. So I should probably give myself a break.
And... I really should be enough. :)
 |
| Enough |
~anib
Monday, July 16, 2012
Daddy Blues
There are moments when it all just hits you.
You will never see my kids... if I even have kids. will i ever have kids?
I will never know if you even liked me.. god dammit... why didnt you say anything?
I have to take care of your wife now. where the hell is my life?
i get pissed off at myself for wasting time... for not doing more, being more.
i get mad that maybe it's your fault that i need constant validation from men.
how the hell do i stop making the same mistakes? when do i get my chance??
i am sad... and guilty... for taking this trip overseas with mom... with your money. yes, it ours but still.
i hate that your death felt like a relief.... that the pain had stopped... that all our pain had stopped.
except it hasn't.
i wish i had more time.
to say thank you.
and sorry.
and
do you love me?
~anib
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
On Being Alone
So I did it. I let go. As with most things in my life, it happened in a rather dramatic way. But it is done.
I finally got rid of the boy that at first made me believe I could be his unintended and, at other times, made me feel unimportant. The honest truth was that he kept me hanging on, never really committing to anything and making me believe that I was insane for seeing anything more into the things that he did and said. I may be insane in many other ways (ahem :P), but the bottom line is that he made me feel like shit... and that should never be acceptable.
Funnily enough, it was an ex of mine that made me see this (and a few other friends: thank you!). As an aside, I cant tell you how happy I am that someone that I used to date doesn't hate me. I was getting a bit worried about my track record. And I'm sure my friends (um, well, those that I have left) will be a little concerned but I am happy to report that we are just friends and I am happy to have someone from my past back in my life.
And the friends story. Well, I think I am basically without close friends at the moment. I have social interactions online and I do value those... really, I do. My twitter, facebook and stumbleupon friends always make me smile. But in terms of a RL BFF that I can call up and just "hang" with ... I have nothing.
And...
big girl panties time..
I am ok with it.
Well. Ok. I'm not 100% ok with it... but I need this time alone.
I need to get away from controlling people that take over my life. This isn't their fault. I'm the one that willingly hands over my brain and just does whatever I need to do to be liked. I need to learn what *I* like... I need to choose the people that *I* want to hang out with. I need to learn to start saying "no".
This all sounds great in theory... but I do feel a bit lonely at the moment.
And my coping mechanism is by reaching out to my usual drugs of choice - the online world, food, emo-ness.
I am aware of all of this though.... so I guess I needed to write this all out and see how I feel about it all now.
*breathes*
I dont know where I'm going. But I think I'll be ok.
One thing I know for sure: Ek wil meer as net oorleef.
Wish me luck.
*steps out alone*
~anib
I finally got rid of the boy that at first made me believe I could be his unintended and, at other times, made me feel unimportant. The honest truth was that he kept me hanging on, never really committing to anything and making me believe that I was insane for seeing anything more into the things that he did and said. I may be insane in many other ways (ahem :P), but the bottom line is that he made me feel like shit... and that should never be acceptable.
Funnily enough, it was an ex of mine that made me see this (and a few other friends: thank you!). As an aside, I cant tell you how happy I am that someone that I used to date doesn't hate me. I was getting a bit worried about my track record. And I'm sure my friends (um, well, those that I have left) will be a little concerned but I am happy to report that we are just friends and I am happy to have someone from my past back in my life.
And the friends story. Well, I think I am basically without close friends at the moment. I have social interactions online and I do value those... really, I do. My twitter, facebook and stumbleupon friends always make me smile. But in terms of a RL BFF that I can call up and just "hang" with ... I have nothing.
And...
big girl panties time..
I am ok with it.
 |
Fake a smileby ~Alephunky |
Well. Ok. I'm not 100% ok with it... but I need this time alone.
I need to get away from controlling people that take over my life. This isn't their fault. I'm the one that willingly hands over my brain and just does whatever I need to do to be liked. I need to learn what *I* like... I need to choose the people that *I* want to hang out with. I need to learn to start saying "no".
This all sounds great in theory... but I do feel a bit lonely at the moment.
And my coping mechanism is by reaching out to my usual drugs of choice - the online world, food, emo-ness.
I am aware of all of this though.... so I guess I needed to write this all out and see how I feel about it all now.
*breathes*
I dont know where I'm going. But I think I'll be ok.
One thing I know for sure: Ek wil meer as net oorleef.
Wish me luck.
*steps out alone*
~anib
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Letting go
I have some issues. Letting go is one of them.
This weekend, I was cut off from technology. This isn't the first time it's happened but every time it happens, I do panic a little and realise how much I rely on that virtual connection.
I realise how tightly I hold onto things and people... and stuff. So much STUFF!
I've become better and better at letting go. After my separation and divorce, I have learned to let go of all the stuff I accumulated over those five years. Yes, I still wish I had my cups and plates and duvet sets I carefully picked out for our home... but I can live without them.
Next weekend I need to chuck my ex husband out of my house and I'm a little scared/worried about all that stuff just being tossed aside. I shouldn't... but I do. I want it to mean something.... I hate feeling like it was all for nothing and now I have nothing.
However, the stuff is easier to let go of than people. It's been difficult, but I have let go of a few people that made me feel less than awesome. I dont need any cheerleaders but I would like friends that think I am the bee's knees. I dont really have that right now... and it bothers me a bit. But I have to believe that getting rid of the old will help bring in some new blood, so to speak.
I've also been shown how tightly I hold onto what I want.. and forget that sometimes I should let go of "want" and accept "this is what you need." How very buddhist. :P And sometimes it's more about "this is what you need to learn." It's a bit painful.... but I think I'm getting it.
I dont know if this will make sense to anyone... but I feel like something is changing.
I need to learn important lessons about love and life.... and I love how the people around me at the moment are challenging some of my old beliefs around that.
I'm a little excited.
I love the way my heart is a little bit more open than it used to be.
By letting go of the crap, you can let a whole lot of love in.
Happiness is.
:)
This weekend, I was cut off from technology. This isn't the first time it's happened but every time it happens, I do panic a little and realise how much I rely on that virtual connection.
I realise how tightly I hold onto things and people... and stuff. So much STUFF!
I've become better and better at letting go. After my separation and divorce, I have learned to let go of all the stuff I accumulated over those five years. Yes, I still wish I had my cups and plates and duvet sets I carefully picked out for our home... but I can live without them.
Next weekend I need to chuck my ex husband out of my house and I'm a little scared/worried about all that stuff just being tossed aside. I shouldn't... but I do. I want it to mean something.... I hate feeling like it was all for nothing and now I have nothing.
However, the stuff is easier to let go of than people. It's been difficult, but I have let go of a few people that made me feel less than awesome. I dont need any cheerleaders but I would like friends that think I am the bee's knees. I dont really have that right now... and it bothers me a bit. But I have to believe that getting rid of the old will help bring in some new blood, so to speak.
I've also been shown how tightly I hold onto what I want.. and forget that sometimes I should let go of "want" and accept "this is what you need." How very buddhist. :P And sometimes it's more about "this is what you need to learn." It's a bit painful.... but I think I'm getting it.
I dont know if this will make sense to anyone... but I feel like something is changing.
I need to learn important lessons about love and life.... and I love how the people around me at the moment are challenging some of my old beliefs around that.
I'm a little excited.
I love the way my heart is a little bit more open than it used to be.
By letting go of the crap, you can let a whole lot of love in.
Happiness is.
:)
Monday, January 3, 2011
Linger
 |
I dont know much about the psychology of memories, but I know that every time you think about something, you create a link in your brain to it. The more you think about it, the stronger that link becomes. Which is why it's often difficult to forget the things that we want to forget... because we keep thinking about them!
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." ~Michel de Montaigne
So.. as the year ended a couple of days ago.... I went through the year that was, picking at certain memories. There are so many things that I wish I hadn't experienced... so many mistakes... so much unnecessary crap that I put myself through. There was good stuff too: amazing new and renewed friendships, an awe-inspiring World Cup, a quiet confidence that I've never had before.
There are still a few memories that catch me off-guard and it still hits me hard when I remember a certain pain, a betrayal, a lack of caring... I choose to keep remembering those because I want to learn. I dont want to go back there... so I have to learn from the pain.
I want to remember it all, so that I can learn to be thankful and grateful for ALL of life's experiences.
I want to be better and do better.
And, eventually, I do want the memories that hurt to go away and not linger in the back of my head.
I really want to.. and I will.. in time.
For now... they linger...
But not for long... I promise.
Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong
Happy 2011.
May you be brave enough to remember.
xx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)