update on 2014

So. It's been a while.

I usually only feel like writing when I'm horribly miserable and I dont really want to explore all of those emotions publicly. I'm a little less miserable at the moment as I've been sick with some type of flu and a really bad cough for a few weeks now. But perhaps a random (and vague) catch-up of my mental state is important (at least for me).

Well nothing has changed in my personal life. In the romance field... nothing is growing. Not even a sniff of a possibility. I've sort of tried to accept that I'm actually not ready for a relationship anyway and subjecting someone to the mess that is me, at this point in my life, would be a little dangerous. But still. You know.

In the field of friendships.... I am not really trying. In fact, I seem to be pushing people away. I've written off quite a few friends over small transgressions (and some with good reason, I think). It's got more to do with me, of course, but I haven't let anyone into my circle of trust in a long time. And I really dont want to let back anyone from my past. If I've made mistakes, tough. But I do still wonder what if, maybe, but...? And that doesn't help.

I'm still a bit social in small doses... but nothing of any substance, I think. People appear to like me but, I um... am not convinced. The doc and my only close(ish) friend has reminded me on numerous occasions that the only person who doesn't like me is me. Touche.

The doc says I'm depressed and have been for a while. And here I thought, this was the happiest I've been in a while. I am actually really happy at work. And I still have a great time at trance parties (although I have cut down on this "addiction" this year). I guess I still have a shit load of unresolved issues that come up from time to time... which I'm working through... kinda. You know.

The hardest part of life at the moment is being on my own... with myself... by myself.

A friend's mother passed away recently and another friend's mother is dying from cancer. I feel like a terrible friend because I really just cant deal with things like this. I'm having dreams about my father and grandmother... and I wake up and feel like I'm mourning their loss all over again. I still dont get on with my mother which is apparently why I'm unable to make female friends. So.... there's also that. I honestly dont see any resolution in this... ever. That's pretty depressing.

Otherwise, I'm just looking forward to getting away from Cape Town over the silly season. I need a proper break away from everything. I'm always so tired over November and December and I really need to take care of myself. I'm trying. In small doses.

Hopefully next year, I will have enough money to go away on my own. For now, I just need to get better.

Toodles.

~anib

Keeping secrets

Coincidences are funny things. Or maybe they're pretty serious things that you should pay attention to. Either way, at least they're good blog fodder. ;)

So, today, I was able to see my doc and we discussed many thing. But he left me with an unanswerable question that has stayed with me: why do you keep the secret?

Coincidently, Ms Dorothy Black posted this blog today about secrets saying, "secrets are created in a context of shame." And, by not speaking of that shame, I guess you stay stuck in it.

No shit. :)

I keep lots of secrets from different people for various reasons. Usually it's because I assume people would judge or dislike me for who I am. Being loved and accepted is something I struggle with a lot. I guess it comes down to the feeling that I'm not good enough. 

So... I dont lie... but I dont tell the complete truth. I know this creates barriers between me and others and no one really stands a chance to get "in". 
I know this.
But still.
Aint that sad? 
Yeah. It is. 

true story

oh, hello shadow

My biggest secret is the one that keeps me in fear. The biggest fear is fear of rejection. And feeling like I would be blamed... be punished... be alone.

So I guess I've decided that I will live with the lies and the burden of truth. I'll wait for the scars to heal. I'll figure a way to never be vulnerable again. 

Or maybe I will speak.
Maybe.
Soon.

~anib

Unpacking the house

I have only a few close friends that I discuss my therapy sessions with. It's not something that I share easily because the things I discuss in those sessions are things that I hide very well... evenfrom myself. I dont really love the sessions because it's such hard work emotionally. But I'm doing it because I have to. For me.

So, while discussing a particular hard sessions with said close friends, I was told that I dont really need to deal with all of my issues at once. My dear friend gave me the advice that sometimes it's good to put your issues in a box and pack it away to deal with later.

I laughed and quipped: "I hear you but... I have so many boxes that have been put away, I cant move anymore without tripping over them." My therapist thought it was a good analogy and, so, we continue unpacking the issues.

The interesting thing is, this image has seeped into my unconscious and now I'm having recurring dreams/nightmares of my house filled with boxes and me trying to unpack them. My therapist happens to have an interest in dream analysis so I've been intrigued by his opinions. And I really do appreciate someone that takes my rather interesting imagination seriously. :)

So the first dream I had, I was excitedly telling my close friends about how I was getting rid of all these boxes. Someone was going to take them away and I was excited about all the things I was going to put into my new house. Of course, I didnt actually do any of the unpacking and moving out of the boxes. 

The next dream was on the anniversary of my dad's birthday... which, in the conscious world, I didnt really want to acknowledge. In my dream, I was in a car getting ready to go somewhere. I turned around and saw my dad. I was a bit shocked but he seemed so nonchalant about being there so I calmed down and thought that maybe I had imagined his death and everything.... *sigh*

And then I'm in my house and it is stacked to the roof with stuff.. some in boxes, most not.  And now I'm getting desperate to get rid of them. I have all this stuff from everyone else that I need to get out but I'm not sure how. I remember about four or five stacked mattresses and telling someone to please just take it all away. 

And, while I'm panicking about this.... I retreat back to my aunt's place which is empty and warm and a happy place for me. But I'm not happy because I know I'm just running away from what I have to do.

And that's when I woke up at 4am and managed to spill boiling hot water all over myself and now have a burn wound all across my stomach. Lesson learned eh?

Yeah, yeah.
We'll see.

xx

~anib

The boy fast

I went shopping earlier today, trying a whole bunch of clothes in different shops. I haven't really done that in ages and it was fun. I'm not the easiest person to shop for because I'm not a small girl but as I tried on the clothes, I had some new thoughts in my head. Instead of thinking, "well it fits so I guess I should take it", I started asking myself  "do i really like this?", "does it flatter me?" and even "does this make me happy?". I never used to ask questions like that... in any area of my life.


So, for the last couple of months, I've been on a "Boy Fast" of sorts. Although I haven't been in a "real" relationship for years , I haven't exactly been alone. I fell into these relationships that were not really relationships, and got myself tangled up into all kinds of emotional drama. I didn't feel like I was hurting anyone (including myself)... until I decided to fall head over heels in stupid love with Mr T.

So apparently when I fall in love... and it's not reciprocated... I get mad and then sad... and then decide to stay away from boys completely. I cant explain why this one was different to all the others. My therapist blames the daddy issues. I cant deny that. But whatever the reason, I was addicted to this man. And I loved it.... needed it... wanted it.

It wasn't meant to be, however, but it did teach me an important lesson: I want to fall in love, be in love... and really want and need to feel loved in return. So I decided that I had had enough of crumbs and wanted something more. And so I waited to see what the universe would throw at me next.

It didn't take too long for another guy to show some interest (even though it was erratic). But I was proud that, for the first time, I didn't jump right in but, instead, decided to stop and ask some important questions like "do I really like him?", "is this what I really want?" and....  "does this make me happy?"

The answers were not easy to face and I realised that part of my problem was this fear of letting go in case... this was "it". What if no one better came along? What if I never get to have the family I want? What if I didn't really deserve the best? 

I've (felt like I've) never had the pleasure of a choice in men. I've always just kinda waited for someone to notice me and show me some attention. And then I would be whatever they wanted me to be. I guess it's pretty obvious why my relationships don't work out.

It's taken me a very long time to see this part of me. I haven't written about my Afrikaburn experience yet but it was a big step forward for me in terms of finding my own "space'. My intention was to turn into a butterfly which, for me, means becoming more of who I really am. And maybe I haven't figured it all out yet but I'm starting to realise what I dont want. And that's at least a good step forward.

So, with all the love and support of my new friends... I am exploring me and decided to rather not engage with men until I am strong enough to be my own person. My dear friend Manni wrote about part of my story here, saying "If her sabbatical from dating was the reason she'd become a lotus flower, then I was in desperate need of the recipe." 

And I do feel good. Better. But I guess it's always easy when you dont have temptation... ;) But, even after rejecting the last little temptation, I do still sit up sometimes at night and worry.

I worry sometimes that I wont feel that crazy love again for someone else. 
I worry that I'm too this or that for anyone to really love the real me.
I worry that my heart could go cold and I could forget moments like this... 
"There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth"
From Cape Town in May by silentcoder

I worry that I wont find "me".
I worry that I will.

So with all of that going on in my head... who's got time for boys....! 

~anib

Not about a boy

dont give me what i want

This is not about a boy.. or a man, for that matter.
Well, in many ways, I guess it is. But not anyone that's around at the moment...

The month of March was spent running into the arms of someone that, I thought, would be the answer. The problem was, I wasn't even clear what the question was. I'm super grateful to the doc for opening my eyes to what I've actually been looking for. And how completely pointless it is looking for what I need outside of the four walls of my brain (and heart).

Not that I believe the doc, of course. Not yet, anyway. But I'm told that I'm perfectly capable of providing myself with all the love that I need. Oh, how I chuckled. ahem. But seriously.. I cant even imagine being nice to myself.. or (eww) spending time alone and being (laughs harder) happy. I will work on it, I guess. I need to find out who I am without "everything". The alternative hasn't been working out so well so I guess I dont have much of a choice here.

I guess it isn't rocket science that it all seems to come down to mommy and daddy issues. The best way that I can describe it is via an image I remember from an Oprah show (no judgies) that showed a whole bunch of tubes at different ages. This represented the love that you should've received at each age. So if you get enough love, the tube is filled up and you can give more when you're older. Apparently, I missed out on some parental love from about 10 to... um.. nowish. So I need to fill up. And am currently unable to give anything useful to anyone. *sad face*

I know that I've been looking in all the wrong places for something. I just never knew what I was looking for.. and why I was feeling so disappointed by everyone and everything. It's not everyone.. it's me. Sorry, everyone. Yes, I do feel bad for causing so much unnecessary drama. Learning to forgive myself seems to be the hardest step in moving forward. I get stuck in all the mistakes... and I dont know how to even have a normal relationship anymore. I react in a childish way when I dont get what I want because... well, I guess I'm still a child in love terms. When someone asked me the other day if I'd even been in love.. I had to give a blank stare and say "I dont know." *sigh*

So the latest "mistake" just awakened a deep desire for a connection... a desire to be wanted and adored... and taken care of. And I found myself becoming desperately needy for any kind of attention. And hating myself for it. And going back and doing it all over again. It's absolutely soul crushing. And I still cant stop it. The doc says that I need to treat this desperate need for love like an addiction.  So my plan of action is going "cold turkey" on all men and possible relationships.

"And how's that working out for you?"
Not well, doc.. not well at all.

~anib

daddy's little girl

Well there went January... oh and hello February.
I have actually been busy. I'll try to write more.
But, to be honest, having actual therapy is making this form of cheap therapy a bit redundant.

looking up

I survived Valentine's Day. It wasn't a big issue. I feel so loved and accepted by new and old friends at the moment. It's amazing. And new. I dont think I've ever felt like that before... even in a relationship. And that's um... well that's kinda sad, I guess.

I guess the trance parties are part of the abundant joy I have right now. It's a little piece of paradise that I find hard to explain. I try here. I've met new people... I've done new things... I can just be. Happiness!! :)

But still. It's hard to ignore the intimate relationship part of Vday. I didnt think about it too much... until I saw videos of Dr House singing again. Which reminded me of a "forever love" that was never really finished. Or maybe it was and I really didnt want it to be. I made the stupid mistake of saying hi again and... I walked away disappointed. Again.

I have to ask myself why I keep doing that.

On Friday night I was close to calling up the man-child again. I'm only grateful that I had blocked him on whatsapp and had to consider the hassle of unblocking and inviting him back into my life. Dinner for one worked out just fine. Although I did land up buying cigarettes because... I dont know. I guess I needed time to think and breathe.

Which brings me to the issue: why do I keep loving men who dont show me love?

*big breathe*

"i thought too much. i worried too much."

This is really difficult because I'd like to think that my dad and I had a good relationship. The honest truth is that we didnt have a relationship. And, for a very long time, I was just a little girl looking for love and attention.

My earliest memory was of him teaching me how to swim in the sea and him holding me while I kicked in the waves. But, earlier than that, I remember I did something really bad and he hit me. He never hit me after that but I guess I had always been trying to get his approval since. And maybe I'm still trying... looking for love in all the wrong places, desperate for attention. That's a hard realisation... and not an observation that I like about myself.

I had a whole bunch of other things going on as a little girl that I dont really want to go into here. But, in many ways, I felt very alone in the world. I guess I was always looking for someone to protect me and save me from bad things. That never happened. And I got horribly heartbroken every time one of my men let me down.  Living up to my impossible standards, I suppose that was inevitable. :(

So I'm spending some time with little ani again. She needs some healing. I've been looking at posts from my old StumbleUpon blog which included letters that I had written to her. At that stage, I was starting to get disappointed by my ex-husband and my world was falling apart.

1 June 2008: 
an ode to the little one
i have walked a long path with you, my dear
i should've held your hand and helped you
but it was you... you held me up..
you're a brave, strong little girl
and i will always love you
but now you can walk on your own
and i must grow up
goodbye little girl
*hug*

And again in 2010, after another heartbreak....

5 June 2010:  
little one... i love you. 
you're brave...and strong... and i love you... deeply. 
you are more than this... you are safe... you are loved. 
you are special... you are greater than your body.. your spirit shines bright. 
i love you. i love you. 
xx 

So here I sit... with this impossible heartbreak.
I dont know how to move on from here.

~anib

Issues much?

So it's been a bit of a weird week. I've been busy and bored and very tired and a little happy.
Weird hey?

My last session with the doc brought up a whole lot of stuff that I really dont want to go into. Suffice to say that I have issues (ha!). And sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you talk about the same issue, it still remains an issue. But basically, deep deep deep down, I still assume that I'm this really horrible person that doesn't deserve a whole lot of good stuff. So I will either self sabotage a good thing or run after bad things. It's a skill I really dont want anymore.

The details of the last week are blurry.. I did a few fun things. I tried some things out of my comfort zone and then retreated into my cave for a while. I took my mom out for supper which was a nice thing to do. And I reconnected with an old online friend. Things are fine.

But, more than anything, I'm still pissed off at a small thing that's been happening. The stupid guy has been sending me these very passive aggressive and condescending emails and whatsapp messages. Stupid troll. I can see right through it but it still makes me really mad.  Like REALLY mad. One of the things I've learned from doc is that I do not know how to deal with anger. I take it all inside and beat myself up endlessly for things that other people do. I know... I know. It doesn't make sense but I feel like a dumbass. *shakes head at self*

I guess this is part of the reason why I'm so exhausted all the time. My mind runs a million miles a minute... it never rests. I worry about everyone and everything.... except me.

*breathes*

And on we go...

~anib

Working it out

So a few things have been happening and I've been dying to write them down... but I'm also so overwhelmed by all the things going on in my brain that I dont really know where to start.

I guess I'll start with my last doc appointment where we talked about the "man-child". And boy, was it a tough discussion. I'm  a teeny tiny bit defensive about the whole situation because, well, I'm being a bloody idiot but I feel like I dont really have much of a choice. For reasons of modesty (and embarrasment), I wont go into all the details here but I decided to just let go of that whole relationship. No drama, no messy breakup, no awkward facebook posts (ok, I had a few but give me a break). I'm just walking away.

Of course, I had already booked a weekend away at a party so I went along to the party with him, hoping we could keep our distance and do our own thing. Well (surprise!) that didnt work out at all. It was an utter disaster. But, this time, it was because I actually put my foot down about things that I wanted to do. But he still dragged me into things I didnt want to do... and dictated for me what a "fun time" was. Apparently this included climbing/hiking up a mountain in sandles in 30C heat. Oh wait... he then said afterwards that he did it for me because I needed it. Because I'm fat. Obviously. Well thank you, you little passive aggressive shit.

But otherwise, I'm ok. :)

Letting go

Talking about hideous body, during my doc appointment, the gym issue did come up and I did feel like I didnt really have any excuse to not go anymore. I actually liked going to gym but I was always tired and/or busy. Once I got rid of the man-child and his time and energy (and money! grr!!) wasting ways, I had more space to go to gym again. 

I had the best intentions... really. I walked in on Monday evening and went to weigh myself. I almost cried. I was back to where I was when I started last year. I basically lost and gained 10kg in a year. F***. I went upstairs to start walking and all the machines were busy... so I literally tossed in the towel and stormed back home... in a hell of a storm that just happened to hit Cape Town that minute. Like, really universe?? Thanks for nothing!

I got home safe and sound.... but my mom was petrified of the thunder and lightning and had switched off all the electricity. So I went into my other job - mom caretaker. I love my mom. I feel guilty for neglecting her the last couple of weeks while gallivanting with the man-child but I do the best that I can. I will try to be better. I also realised that her birthday falls on the six month anniversary of my dad's passing. So... it's going to be a rough month ahead.

On Tuesday night, I decide to try gym again. I decided to go to the yoga class because yoga is manageable and it's a class so there should be space. I got there a minute or two before the class and felt a bit intimidated by the people already in the class. They were already sitting in the proper yoga sitting pose. I couldnt handle the competition (yes, really) so off I went to find a walking machine. I did about half an hour and went home. It's good enough for a start.

I will have to think some more about the things that happened today before I can blog about it but I'm happy that I feel loved by a few good friends. We all show love in different ways. My problem is that I try to find love in all the wrong places when I should just accept the love that I already have. I realised today that I'm not as stupid or unlovable as I thought I was.

I also have really been through a lot. So I should probably give myself a break.

And... I really should be enough. :)

Enough

~anib