Monday, September 27, 2010

Scar Tissue

I like to pick at scabs.
I wasn't too worried about it and was just going to mention it to move onto the (in my opinion) bigger problem of scratching old emotional wounds but trust the internet to make me feel like it could be a bigger problem.

Ok, so I don't think I'm OCD about it, but some of the things in this article ring true.

Picking scabs is a remarkably self-perpetuating way to act out obsessive-compulsive tendencies that often signal an underlying, often as-yet-undiagnosed mood or anxiety disorder..
Well, I know all about anxiety. I've been feeling more than a little bit anxious about life. Who wouldn't with impending foreclosures, a volatile ex-husband that can strike at any moment, a serious lack of goals, joy and money... and not enough shoes and other pretty things (in no particular order of importance, of course).

Being without money means that you cant get medication for anxiety. And if you try to do the right thing and just "work through it", your work turns out crap which just makes you feel like crap. Feeling crap means that you dont feel like doing anything else, whether that means looking for work or looking for pleasure, leaving you feeling even worse.  Self-perpetuating? Tick!

But wait.. there's more...:

Habitual picking of scabs is classified in the group of psychological disorders associated with self-harm, such as deliberate skin cutting....
Ah well... I know all about self harm. Many MANY moons ago, I would punish myself physically for my perceived "sins". I still do it, from time to time, but in smaller ways these days. I stop eating..  or I eat too much "bad stuff". I sleep to avoid the world.. or I stop sleeping to push myself to exhaustion. I push good and nice people away. I let destructive people in. I hate doing all of these things.. but I do them when I'm in "desperation mode".
the habit..(is) a way to relieve the pent-up frustrations or fears when other ways of dealing with conflict are not effective. Feeling that verbal communications are ineffective leave the scab picker feeling there is no other way to express the emotional turmoil going on inside.
And that's why I'm here, I guess. To express the feelings and fears that I cannot express verbally.  Except I dont really know what I'm feeling or what I should do about me. I feel myself shutting down communication.. and I worry about it... a lot.

As I alluded to in the opening paragraph, I also go back over old emotional wounds. I wonder about impossible questions like "what if?", "why now?", "why me?" and sometimes "why not me?"
I ask the questions.. but get no answers.
I guess I'm just stuck.
Or maybe I'm exactly where I should be... healing.

More on scars from Wikipedia:
Scars are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin (or other tissue) after injury or disease...Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process.(edited)
So.. there's a wild idea. Maybe if I just leave these scars alone, they'll actually heal and I'll be able to finally move on. I'm still not sure how I should do this... but I'm going to try. The alternative is just not a pretty sight.

And now for the real reason behind this post: Cue the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

1 comment:

  1. "Tweet-you-up" so you can't scratch ;-)