Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Seven years

Seven years.
2009 was the year I finally got divorced.
2009 was the year that I should've had my baby.
2009 was the year that I ran away and fought and gave up and tried again and finally walked.
2009 was the year that I fell in love again and out of love.... again... and again.
2009 was the year that I got out of my comfort zone and made new friends and a whole new life.

2009  feels like a long time ago. And today, I think I'm feeling the 7 year itch. I'm feeling too comfortable... too safe... too bored.

I'm not unhappy. I have so much to be grateful for.... and I am grateful. I survived a messy divorce, paid off all my debts, got myself into a really ridiculously good job and I have some amazing people who love and support me. I am healthy, happy and I have enough.

And yet.

Apparently, every 7 years you change and the next chapter for me includes more changes.
This is when we reassess the results of what we are doing externally in our life. Our relationships, careers, habits and the ways we interact are all put under scrutiny and modified or changed. It’s a time of facing up to what does and what doesn’t satisfy us.
So... here I am, I guess,  being challenged by my relationships, career and habits. And trying to figure out where to go from here. Because here is just not enough, it seems.

Yesterday, Carrie Fisher passed away and, while I have no real connection to her, I was touched by this quote that I found. 



There was a time that I was so afraid of everything... but I had to do things anyway. In 2009, my motto was "just try anything once" and it led me to a whole lot of interesting people and places. I have a lot more confidence in things that used to scare me.... But I'm still scared of things like love and intimacy.

I hope that I will be braver in 2017.
I will be braver in 2017. 

Here's to a happy, healthy and satisfying 2017. 
And maybe even a fun NYE. ;)

xx

~anib

Monday, October 3, 2016

September 2016

I missed my September blog post. There's no reason, really, other than I've been occupied with lots of thoughts and things... but not enough for a coherent blog post.

So here's a random summary of September, without getting too deep into thoughts and feelings.

The month started with a trip to Citrusdal for an Afrikaburn type party. I wanted to "test drive" my chill area idea at trance parties and did a fully psychedelic chill area with decor from Luminos. It was lovely but didn't really fit in and I felt a little defeated. I mostly got over myself and hung out with my DPW friends and then cheered myself with a longer route home through the west coast. It was ok but I doubt that I'd attend again.



The weekend after that I attended Wolfkop for the first time as a thank you gift from Afrikaburn for my volunteer work. I'll admit that I really didn't even feel that I belonged there, but I made a nice chill space for people and tried my best to fit in. I also felt very intimidated by all the very very pretty people at that party and, really, the only thing that I dance to was Mafikzolo's song "Meet me at the River."  The rest of the music was this down tempo house techno crap that I just could not....

Anyway, it was a pretty place and the Afrikaburn people are always.... entertaining. I also got bitten so badly by mosquitoes so that sucked a little. I also took some leave from work because things were complicated and I was feeling really depressed and tired and... gatvol. :(

Two weeks after that, I attended Earthdance for just the Sunday. That was also a little different to normal as I went with some friends in the back of a bakkie and without all my "things." I tried to let go but I was a little worried. I also got fat shamed on the dancefloor which significantly affected my ability to "let go" and just have fun. That sucked.

So I dont know... I didnt enjoy it that much, I guess. Although I was really surrounded by an army of awesome people that really loved me. And I missed that scene a lot... so much so that I was overcome by emotion as I hit the dancefloor. It's a weird thing, these trance parties. So much shit goes on sometimes... but it's still such a place for growth for me. Still learning... still growing.

And this past weekend, I decided to attend an ecstatic dance class.... which was super weird and interesting and probably good for me. Still undecided about that whole thing, tbh. And then I attended the hoop day celebrations which was fun and playful and definitely good for me. And yesterday, I started painting the side wall. I want to make an ocean effect as I drive in. Heh. Cant wait to see this done.... although today, my back is PAINFULLY sore.


Totes worth it. :)

 Along the way, there have been some personal issues that I'm still dealing with. Once I've figured it all out, I'll post something more coherent and personal here. For now, I am just really grateful for friends that really listen and a therapist that helps me move forward.

Onwards!

~anib

















Tuesday, August 23, 2016

Soul Boogy

So I ran away to Mozambique for my birthday. Thirty Fucking Seven. Holy crap, that's a lot closer to Forty than I'm ready for. And so I ran.... slowly. Because I'm effing old. :)

So I decided to attend the Mozamboogy party in Ponta Molagane, Mozambique for the weekend. The adventure started with a flight to Johannesburg that was delayed because of a tornado and heavy rainfall in Johannesburg. Did I mention the tornado? Because... TORNADO WTF! Things could only get better from there, right?

Well the bus ride up to Kosi Bay border from Johannesburg was pure hell. We left at 8pm to arrive at the border at 8am so I expected to sleep through the whole thing. Except for one guy who wanted to  turn it into a party bus. One drunk guy. 50 non drunk people. One very irritated Ani that forgot her earphones in her luggage.  So at least I discovered something about myself: I turn into a horrible, mean, sarcastic, unsympathetic bitch with zero sense of humour when I'm cold, tired and irritated. Who knew. Grr.

When we eventually got to Mozambique though, I could not be happier. Mainly because I finally got  away from the drunk guy and I got to speak Portuguese and OMG SUNSHINE!!! Johanneburg was freezing cold and, since we stopped along the route a few times, we were outside at 3am in the zero degree temperatures so I was really just grateful for the warm, tropical weather.

Once we got to the place (after a very bumpy ride), I checked into my little log cabin and started to make it home. I put up my rainbow stuff and I walked around a bit and sat on the beach trying to absorb as much sun as I could.... but, as I was really tired and in no mood for people, I just had a bit of a snooze before I did much of anything. My first 24 hours there, I spent mostly by myself. I meditated, ate some good food, wrote some things, and breathed out all the stresses over the last couple of months. Holiday mode engaged.





I was on the Mozamboogy dancefloor for a little bit but it's really difficult dancing on a sandy dancefloor. I also sat on the sand and got so badly bitten by sand fleas that I just decided to not do that again. I was there to relax. I can dance at a million other trance parties in Cape Town. Plus, my log cabin was so close to the dancefloor that I could dance to the music in my sleep.


On the Friday, I met this awesome dude that reminded me of my friend G that passed away. He was crazy AF but super smart and super entertaining. He got me out of my self induced bubble and, through him, I met a whole bunch of nice people. Also, my other friends arrived later that day, so the social part of the party was ON. It was ok... and I enjoyed my time with them but I really treasured the moments that I had to myself.

On the Saturday... I had the best experience. It was a very personal journey of discovery and I learnt so much about myself and what I want to do with my life. I really feel that I have a gift to help people with their heart stuff. And all I need to do is just bear witness and let people share their pain. I had a few people cry on my shoulders and they left me with a smile. So that's something. It was really amazing and powerful and... well I still haven't figured out what it all meant.

I want to write more about how much this affected me and how I truly feel called to a bigger and higher purpose... but I just dont have the words to explain it right now. All I can say, is that it was a much needed trip and I feel like something big changed for me during those few days.

Overall, though, the party was average and I wouldn't return. I met a few amazing people but mostly the crowd was very "Joburg" in their attitude and that really irritated me. The music was average and the journey to get there was really a painful mission. But it was still a good once off experience.

Next year.... I really hope to do the European trance scene. I'd love to go to Ozora in 2017 and Boom in 2018. And although I valued the time to myself, I really did miss some of my core people. But I guess you have to miss people sometimes to really appreciate them. Yalla. :)

xx


Friday, July 22, 2016

Diamonds and pearls



Well that was a long time coming. I've finally given away all my old jewelry. Literally... almost twenty years worth of crap. Gah!

Just from the picture above, I can pick up a few stories. There were a few beaded necklaces from a very dear friend of mine when I left my first job in 2007. There's some pearls that I bought to wear to church. There's the white beaded necklace when I decided to go hippy.  There's the evil claw when I was a little goth in high school. There's some beads from my grandmother. And a necklace that I got gifted at Afrikaburn "Archetypes".

There's a whole bunch of stuff that I bought because it was cheap and on sale and I wanted to feel good for a little bit, when clothes didn't fit or I couldn't afford anything else. Crap that I didnt even wear once because the thrill was temporary.  Good bye.

The heart shaped box was a gift that I left for my ex-husband because I had to go away on a business trip over Valentines' Day, probably around 2008. And during that holiday away, I was chatting to some other guys on gtalk. I was not in a good space. I got divorced later that year. (And literally..... I was in Polokwane!)

And I see some beads I got at the Turkey airport in 2012 and then I found that you can get them here as well. Bah. And that blue necklace from university days that I would wear constantly for years...

So much crap. I'm glad I got to gift it to the Bedazzled camp at Afrikaburn. And it's all now gone and I have more space and can actually see what I have. Lots more to clean up and clear out.
Onwards!

~anib

Thursday, July 7, 2016

What is home

Apparently this week's new moon is in Cancer... which is all about home, whether that means physically, spiritually or emotionally. Ah Home. Where art thou?

I've always struggled with finding a place where I feel completely at home - whether that is with friends or family or society in general. I've always felt like I've never fit in anywhere.

I do have a sense of family with my trance community but it's mostly limited to the party events. There are very few that translate to my real world and that's ok with me, I suppose. I've had a few work colleagues that I've felt "at home" with but, at the moment, I dont have that feeling.

I also dont get that family feeling from Afrikaburn friends. I admire many of the people that work and play in that space, but it's not the same kind of feeling for me. However I do feel like the place is a great space for me to explore my space in the world. There is something special that I get from being there that I cant really define or explain. It's challenging for me on many levels.... and I feel like it helps.... something.

So one of the projects from Afrikaburn 2016 was this very simple place where you just wrote and shared your story. My very simplified story is here on This I Confess, It's a rough description of the way I felt when I left my husband and the life that I felt I was "supposed to lead." It's still a work in progress, of course.

Because I also wrote this....


It's actually from a song lyric from Adele's All I Ask. I still have Adele on repeat and that lyric still makes me quiver. Because.. what if that's it? Sigh.
I just found it really sweet that this was one of the few cards that people decided to respond to. So maybe there's hope. :)

I try not to think about it too much... but having a someone to come "home" to, is something I really miss. I know I'm a better person when I can share and give love... and I feel rather empty without this in my life. It just makes me sad that I cant find someone.... and someone cant find me.

This is why I listen to sad music....



Yep.

I also saw this quote today.... and I'm just going to sit with it....
“I want to know if you've touched the center of your own sorrow, if you've been opened by life's betrayals, or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain.” ― Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Because some days... like today... I feel shriveled up and closed. I just told my friend G that my life feels like I'm watching a movie. I feel happy and sad and joy and everything.... but deep down I know it's not all real.
How fucked up is that shit?

Maybe it's just one of those days.
Bleh.

xx
~anib

Friday, June 3, 2016

Annie, are you OK?

This week.... what a fucking rollercoaster. I was majorly pissed off that I didn't get to see my therapist last week but I just kept bottling up my feelings of anger until I exploded and almost fucked up a really important relationship to me. I really hate it when I do that. And I do it a lot.

Before the explosion, I felt this song pretty deeply. I could actually listen to Adele forever on repeat... but it's probably not healthy for me. Still.... the river lea is strong with me. 



Everybody tells me it's 'bout time that I moved on
And I need to learn to lighten up and learn how to be young
But my heart is a valley, it's so shallow and man made
I'm scared to death if I let you in that you'll see I'm just a fake
Sometimes I feel lonely in the arms of your touch
But I know that's just me cause nothing ever is enough



And all these feelings kept swirling around my head and I just could not find a way to express them. 
I kept saying "never mind" when asked about it. 
And, I think, the best thing I heard all week was: I mind. *mind blown*
And this was the second best thing I heard.... <3 p="">


Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK?
Are you OK, Annie?
Annie, are you OK?
So, Annie, are you OK,?
Are you OK, Annie?


Guys... I am so ok. I'm loved and liked and more than tolerated by some really special people... even when I'm being a bitchy stupid emo drama princess. 
Like how did I even get that lucky? 
Ja. It's been a flippen journey. 
#blessed

~anib

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

Something about May

Cape Town in May by AJ Venter


There is something about Cape Town in May
When you hardly get a sunny day
But everyone you get, is the reason why you stay.
There is something about Cape Town in Winter
When the day is a small, short toffee center
wrapped in a long night’s splendor.
There is something about Cape Town in your arms
when you drive away the cold with your warmth
and nothing can get to me or cause me any harm.

May. Post Afrikaburn depression.... Mid-Autumn depression.... Death anniversaries... the start of the mid year slump .... and no fucking cuddle buddy again this year. Fun.

So, yes. Afrikaburn was lovely this year. I slept a lot, met so many interesting people and actually relaxed and had a sober(ish) fun time with real friends. I'm lucky and grateful for that. I still dont know why I go though.... but I do. And it helps..... something.

It's getting colder and darker in Cape Town. And while it's been lovely having an excuse to stay home and watch crappy movies, I do miss people and sun and parties.... sometimes.

And then death. Blah. Dad's death anniversary is tomorrow. 2012 feels like a lifetime ago at times. And, at other times, well... all the feels. At least I'm better than I was back then. Four years of radical self improvement, including four burns and countless trance parties and clown training and many many hours of therapy. God, I cant wait until therapy tomorrow.

But I'm better. At least I can acknowledge today that I am angry and sad and jealous.

And then there's boys and the distinct lack of action. I got kissed at Afrikaburn (not romantically though) but the idea was there and it was fun. And now I'm in the mood for it.... but not for relationships. I think. Maybe. I dont know.

Still, being around other relationships is making me feel grumpy and unhappy and inadequate. And that sucks. Fun.

Ok. I've got nothing more to add to this. I will talk about it in therapy tomorrow.

~anib


Monday, April 4, 2016

Time Marches On

*edit* this post was meant to go out in March... obviously. edited 4.4.2016.

Get it? It's a March joke. March. WTF. How did that happen?

Feels like time is rushing along after a very slow start to the year in January. I dont really know what I've been busy with but I was looking forward to a break away at the end of March/Easter time in Johannesburg. I went to see my new niece which was nice. The break was good but the job needed me and decided I was a key person risk. Ha.

I'm undecided about my future at the company and what I want but I dont have time to worry about it at the moment. Everything feels busy. I dont like that. Feels stressful.

But I also have a temporary awesome house mate who makes week evenings so much more interesting. So very grateful for the people that get me. It feels rare... mainly because I dont open up easily, I guess. But I do appreciate it (but trying not to get too attached to it. ho hum,)

Other than some temporary distractions that are more trouble than they are worth (grumble), things are actually fine. I'm just tired. And still ridiculously insecure about friendships and things. Which doesn't make logical sense, I know. I had a pretty amazing time at Altered States party where I introduced some good friends to my trance family. And it was good. So so good. But I just want more.... all the time. Because it never feels enough. Bleh.

OK. March 2016. Done.
April is Afrikaburn prep time. And then "nothing" really to look forward to until December.... ish.

I just really miss my friend. Meh.

~anib
xx

Tuesday, February 9, 2016

Dates

Yesterday was my ex wedding anniversary. We had the ceremony on 8th February 2013 but we actually signed the register on 14th February. How very..... *puke*. Heh... ok it kinda sweet at the time but I'm really not in the mood for love and romance at the moment. And yet....

Last week, I had to say no to a very tempting but inappropriate offer.  To keep myself safe (and sane), I've been trying to stay away. But as we eke closer to V day and the nights get lonelier and I'm just tired and stressed and.... I cant control the bad thoughts that are being debated in my head.

It's also been 90 days (I worked it out) since I've communicated with him. He's written to me (briefly) but it's really just pissed me off more than anything because it was just one liners and not an essay long declaration of his love for me. I dont ask for much... I think?

A dear friend said that I deserved so much better than these scraps. But do I? Really? I really dont know anymore. This seems to be "it" and all I can get my hands on.... so maybe I should settle. Again.

Yeah yeah.

Meh. I should be concentrating on my super important job that could change my life instead of silly boys and their lack of commitment.
I'm just constantly tired at the time with no good reason. Suppose I should sleep and sort out vitamin B12 shot.
Oh and stop worrying.

Yeah yeah.

~anib


Monday, February 8, 2016

Proust’s Questionnaire

I stumbled onto this on an article about Bowie and then found this complete list of Proust questions. Let's see how this goes. 
 
  1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Being loved for just being me.
  2. What is your greatest fear? Losing everything I have.
  3. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? My low self esteem.
  4. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Stupidity and laziness.
  5. Which living person do you most admire? Oprah, Madonna... women who dont really care what others think and just do their thing.
  6. What is your greatest extravagance? Clothes and food.
  7. What is your current state of mind? Mild anxiety.
  8. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Hard work.
  9. On what occasion do you lie? When I feel embarrassed about the truth about myself.
  10. What do you most dislike about your appearance? Everything.
  11. Which living person do you most despise? No one in particular. Perhaps Gareth Cliff, Kanye or Trump but I dont care enough to hate them.
  12. What is the quality you most like in a man? Dependability.
  13. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Um.... non judgement.
  14. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? Literally. :)
  15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? The one I never got to meet.
  16. When and where were you happiest? Afrikaburn 2014. 
  17. Which talent would you most like to have? Ability to follow through on a plan.
  18. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? How I look.
  19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Getting back on my feet after a divorce.
  20. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be? Butterfly.
  21. Where would you most like to live? Mozambique.
  22. What is your most treasured possession? Nothing much, at the moment. Perhaps my connection to the internet.
  23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Losing a parent/child.
  24. What is your favorite occupation? Psychologist
  25. What is your most marked characteristic? Sense of humour.
  26. What do you most value in your friends? When they laugh at my jokes.
  27. Who are your favorite writers? No one in particular. 
  28. Who is your hero of fiction? No one in particular.
  29. Which historical figure do you most identify with? No one in particular.
  30. Who are your heroes in real life? No one in particular.
  31. What are your favorite names? Michael.
  32. What is it that you most dislike? Anything new and dangerous.
  33. What is your greatest regret? Getting married.
  34. How would you like to die? Peacefully
  35. What is your motto? Try anything once.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

Past things

Oh hello past things. Hello from the other side.... 

It's another Adele evening. Because there's only so many times that I can say goodbye to you. But every damn time... it hurts. And it's enough. Enough.
Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.

Lovely Adele reminds us that sometimes we can have a Spice Girls power day and sometimes we're just silly, happy drunks and sometimes we're a monster. But through it all... we're just ourselves, doing the best we can and just driving along through our lives.

Meh. I dont have any more words.
I'm regressing to 2006 ani where I just spoke in images.
And lots of Meh.
Grr. Urgh. Sigh.










Ok. I'm done.
x

Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Butterflies eat shit

Today I learned that butterflies eat shit.... and dead things and sweat and urine and so much more. Urgh! What horrible little creatures. And yet..... no one thinks that. They're still beautiful creatures, loved by all. Hmm....


I've also identified with the butterfly because I was struggling so much with escaping from my (mostly) self imposed cocoon. After my divorce, I felt like I was pushing against everything people told me I was and tried to define my own place in the world. I dressed differently (brighter!), spoke differently (louder!), acted differently (funny, sarcastic, cheeky, flirty).

A lot of this behaviour, I had the privilege of practicing on the old StumbleUpon forums. I practiced being bitchy, nice, sexy, weird, spiritual, dark and everything inbetween. I believe that a few people thought I was being fake. I was really just trying to figure out who I was.

I still am, I guess. But now I know that all these "faces" are mine. I am all these things and more... and the darkness is a part of that too. Thankfully, it's not a big part anymore but having a dark side doesn't take away from the other good stuff. Also, I should probably stop labelling everything good/bad. It just is.

At least I dont eat shit like those butterflies.
Ok. I also need to give up the judgement thing.

Baby steps. :)

~anib