Tuesday, November 27, 2012


I need a positive, happy blogpost. So here it is. :)

It was Thanksgiving in the USA last week. While I can be a cynical, sarcastic **** (insert four letter word of choice :P) sometimes, I was actually quite touched by some of my American friends and their posts about what they're thankful for. A few other friends have been doing 30 days of gratitude during November. I've been wanting to join in... but maybe I should do all 30 days today. Let's see how we go...

I am thankful for:
1. my mom who's always there. with all our ups and downs... she's there.
2. a place i can call home. it's not perfect but it is enough.
3. the internet and the way it connects me to the world.
4. enough food to eat.
5. a few good friends.
6. my car.
7. clothes... far too many.
8. shoes... never enough ;-)
9. family.... with all their craziness.
10. a job and enough money to do stuff.
11. the colour pink and how it just makes everything better.
12. the occasional kindness of strangers
13. sunsets
14. cocktails
15. cameras and photographs
16. music... in all its forms. all of it.
17. the beach.
18. summer.
19. rain.
20. love.
21. hope.
22. dreams.
23. my father. it's complicated but it's ok.
24. electricity and running water. there are people ten minutes away from me who dont have these things.
25. sleep... which is what i need right now.
26. cape town. table mountain. south africa.
and that's as far as I can go right now.

I will try again tomorrow.


Thursday, November 22, 2012

Issues much?

So it's been a bit of a weird week. I've been busy and bored and very tired and a little happy.
Weird hey?

My last session with the doc brought up a whole lot of stuff that I really dont want to go into. Suffice to say that I have issues (ha!). And sometimes it doesn't matter how many times you talk about the same issue, it still remains an issue. But basically, deep deep deep down, I still assume that I'm this really horrible person that doesn't deserve a whole lot of good stuff. So I will either self sabotage a good thing or run after bad things. It's a skill I really dont want anymore.

The details of the last week are blurry.. I did a few fun things. I tried some things out of my comfort zone and then retreated into my cave for a while. I took my mom out for supper which was a nice thing to do. And I reconnected with an old online friend. Things are fine.

But, more than anything, I'm still pissed off at a small thing that's been happening. The stupid guy has been sending me these very passive aggressive and condescending emails and whatsapp messages. Stupid troll. I can see right through it but it still makes me really mad.  Like REALLY mad. One of the things I've learned from doc is that I do not know how to deal with anger. I take it all inside and beat myself up endlessly for things that other people do. I know... I know. It doesn't make sense but I feel like a dumbass. *shakes head at self*

I guess this is part of the reason why I'm so exhausted all the time. My mind runs a million miles a minute... it never rests. I worry about everyone and everything.... except me.


And on we go...


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Working it out

So a few things have been happening and I've been dying to write them down... but I'm also so overwhelmed by all the things going on in my brain that I dont really know where to start.

I guess I'll start with my last doc appointment where we talked about the "man-child". And boy, was it a tough discussion. I'm  a teeny tiny bit defensive about the whole situation because, well, I'm being a bloody idiot but I feel like I dont really have much of a choice. For reasons of modesty (and embarrasment), I wont go into all the details here but I decided to just let go of that whole relationship. No drama, no messy breakup, no awkward facebook posts (ok, I had a few but give me a break). I'm just walking away.

Of course, I had already booked a weekend away at a party so I went along to the party with him, hoping we could keep our distance and do our own thing. Well (surprise!) that didnt work out at all. It was an utter disaster. But, this time, it was because I actually put my foot down about things that I wanted to do. But he still dragged me into things I didnt want to do... and dictated for me what a "fun time" was. Apparently this included climbing/hiking up a mountain in sandles in 30C heat. Oh wait... he then said afterwards that he did it for me because I needed it. Because I'm fat. Obviously. Well thank you, you little passive aggressive shit.

But otherwise, I'm ok. :)
Letting go

Talking about hideous body, during my doc appointment, the gym issue did come up and I did feel like I didnt really have any excuse to not go anymore. I actually liked going to gym but I was always tired and/or busy. Once I got rid of the man-child and his time and energy (and money! grr!!) wasting ways, I had more space to go to gym again. 

I had the best intentions... really. I walked in on Monday evening and went to weigh myself. I almost cried. I was back to where I was when I started last year. I basically lost and gained 10kg in a year. F***. I went upstairs to start walking and all the machines were busy... so I literally tossed in the towel and stormed back home... in a hell of a storm that just happened to hit Cape Town that minute. Like, really universe?? Thanks for nothing!

I got home safe and sound.... but my mom was petrified of the thunder and lightning and had switched off all the electricity. So I went into my other job - mom caretaker. I love my mom. I feel guilty for neglecting her the last couple of weeks while gallivanting with the man-child but I do the best that I can. I will try to be better. I also realised that her birthday falls on the six month anniversary of my dad's passing. So... it's going to be a rough month ahead.

On Tuesday night, I decide to try gym again. I decided to go to the yoga class because yoga is manageable and it's a class so there should be space. I got there a minute or two before the class and felt a bit intimidated by the people already in the class. They were already sitting in the proper yoga sitting pose. I couldnt handle the competition (yes, really) so off I went to find a walking machine. I did about half an hour and went home. It's good enough for a start.

I will have to think some more about the things that happened today before I can blog about it but I'm happy that I feel loved by a few good friends. We all show love in different ways. My problem is that I try to find love in all the wrong places when I should just accept the love that I already have. I realised today that I'm not as stupid or unlovable as I thought I was.

I also have really been through a lot. So I should probably give myself a break.

And... I really should be enough. :)



Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Brave thing

So I think I did a brave thing on Monday... I asked for help.

At first, it was just a little tweet sent out early on Monday morning.
You know how you sometimes just send out tweets without thinking... kinda hoping that no one sees but you just have to spit it out? Yeah, well... I really didnt expect anyone to see this tweet:
"Maybe I need help #depression"
People saw.
And people helped.
Thank you people. :)

So I did the next logical thing and found a doc and saw him the same day. It was good. I was given permission to grieve the many losses I have experienced in the last year. And some that I thought I was already over. Our brains are funny things. Regardless, I am giving myself a break and going to really take care of myself. Really. Kinda. Maybe.

The first step is getting some proper sleep and dreaming again. He is interested in dreams and working with the unconscious which makes my hippy heart very happy. And he doesn't like using medication which also makes me happy because I really dont do zombie very well. Oh and he's kinda cute. So that helps.

Otherwise, I'm still doing stupid shit... wasting money... worrying about everyone else too much.
I miss my friend Yvette. I really do. I've been sick.. and mentally down for a while now so I've chosen to stay away because she needs happy vibes and I aint got much of those these days.
I worry about my mom.. I think she is also depressed but... I dont know how to help her.
I worry about work... it's complicated.

And I've decided... to blog more.
So.... hi.
And um... bye for now.


Monday, November 5, 2012

Good morning

I dread mornings.
I hate the heavy weight of duty and obligation.
I want to run away... every single day.
I need to stay away from dangerous places.. so I'm not tempted.

I'm not happy.

Every single day I feel "not good enough".
I feel alone.
And desperate.
And mean.

So I guess I've succumbed to depression..
and I absolutely hate it.

I guess I've had a good run this anus horribilis so I shouldn't be too surprised.
I've been down this road before and I got out of it.... relatively ok.
But... I cant help but wonder if this is just the way some people have to live.
Not everyone gets their fairytale ending.
Not everyone gets their happy.
Sometimes... you just have to get on with it...do the best you can with what you've got... be grateful ... and some other stupid platitudes.

And as I'm writing this... a little teeny tiny faint child-like voice says:

So I try again.

Fuck it.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Heart rocks

I once found a heart shaped rock on a beach. Without a moment's hesitation, I immediately gave it away to my boyfriend at the time. I wrote something like "forever yours" on it. Because that's what I believe(d?): when you love and care about someone, it's enough and it lasts forever.

Yes, you may laugh now. :)

So I've learned a bit since then.... oh, how I've learned about love. The short version is: I know nothing.

I've tried my best to be a good friend, daughter, sister, wife, girlfriend, lover, f*** buddy (ahem. no judgies.). But apparently, I suck at all relationships. *insert self pity here*
No, really. Nothing has worked out for me.

I really dont get why... but I'm trying to fix it. I'm sorta getting into a new relationship (yes, it's always complicated and no, it's not "official"). I'm trying to finally learn from my mistakes. I'm trying not to figure out the ending before I've started. I'm trying to listen more and talk less. I'm trying to do things on my own first and not expect things. I'm going to ask for what I want. I'm trying.

Because... while I do give away my heart very easily, I do still need and want to be loved in return. I am tired of feeling not good enough for the very best attention. I need to walk away from people who dont have time for me, who actually care when I've broken a nail (or, you know, attend my dad's funeral and visit me in hospital *cough*). People who can look me in the eyes and tell me I'm doing something stupid and who love me anyway when I'm doing something stupid. I'm not even sure if that's too much to ask but I have now "walked away". Being alone is a humbling experience. I'm trying to find the potential for better things. It's taking time.

A few months after I found my first heart rock that I gave away, I found a smaller one that I kept for myself. It was supposed to inspire me to love myself more.. to expect better of me and the people around me. I think it's inspired me to freeze my heart and make it unbreakable. Mission almost accomplished.

But I'm going to persevere and try again.
Cause I need love.
We all do, I guess.

But this will be the last time.
(Yes, you may laugh now.)


Sunday, September 16, 2012

Happy birthday dad

this is the edited eulogy i did for my father on 31 May 2012. 

Thank you to everyone for being here today. I know that there are many friends and family that wanted to attend and our family appreciates the sentiment.  I also want to thank everyone for their very kind messages on Facebook, Twitter, via texts and calls and emails and various offers of help and support. If I took up every offer of a glass of wine, I’d be in a lot of trouble.... but thank you. J 


And now... I want to tell you about my Dad.
Everyone I’ve spoken to has said what a kind and gentle person he was. And quiet... very quiet. Which is why I felt like I needed to tell you who he was to me.

My father was a brother. He grew up as a farmer in Lugar de Baixo, Ponta do Sol in Madeira. My father is survived by his twin sister, Mariazinha who unfortunately could not be here today but sends her condolences. Please keep them in your prayers.

He left his family and his farm to come to South Africa in 1962 where he worked in the Free State and eventually moved to Cape Town, where he met my mother.  My father provided for his family by working single every day and night in his shop. To many people, he was simply known as Mr Rons. We had a Rons Cafe in Woodstock and then moved to Table View and Muizenberg and then finally settled in Maitland for almost 20 years. 

My father was a good dad. There are many things he did that, I guess, we all just take for granted. I loved working in the shop with him. We would write the prices on all the tin food together. He would take me shopping with him to Makro and I would help him pick all the stuff for the shop. He once bought me a big fluffy teddy bear that my mom said I was too old for at the time... I still sometimes sleep with it.

My father did some interesting stuff. He makes the coolest gadgets and things around the house. He designed this rather complicated watering system for his fruitful garden. My dad loved to garden. He would spend hours in his vegetable patch and tending his flowers. He used to play the accordian.... which I thought was just so cool. And probably inspired me to play the piano. He would always carry a pen in his shirt pocket. He was good at Bisca and Domino and Casino... and he taught me all these games. He was a bit of an experimental cook. I will miss his concoctions. J

It is often said that when you leave this world, make sure you leave a legacy. My father’s legacy will be in his children. I see my father’s kind and gentle nature in my brother, Nicolau. The way he quietly goes about his work and life makes me smile as it reminds me of dad.  I, of course, have my father’s face... so I will embrace these chubby cheeks... and I think I inherited some of his cheeky humour too.

A special word for my mother. Mae... Obrigado para tudo que a mae fez para o pai. Ele esta em paz agora.

Dear Pai... as we approach Father’s Day, I would’ve loved to give you another Old Spice aftershave  or soap on a rope like we used to. This year, I will just say thank you for all that you have done for us.

We love you and miss you.
Rest in Peace.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

This is it

This is the part where I tell you about my lovely trip overseas and how wonderful and refreshed I feel.
This is the part where I tell you I followed my heart and it didnt get broken again.
This is the part where I tell you being back home feels great and I cant wait to get back into my old life.
This is the part where I tell you I missed my friends a lot and they missed me.

But it isn't.

The trip was ok... there were beautiful moments, moments of tears and laughter... but it was long and challenging too.
My heart didn't get broken but it did get a little hurt. I wanted more.
And home feels like a foreign place. Cape Town is cold and unfriendly.
My friends feel.... distant. Or maybe it's just me. Maybe it's too soon. It's probably me.

And then life.. and Death... relentlessly takes its toll.
Another death this week. Not enough life...
I am sad today.
It is too much.

Monday, July 16, 2012

Daddy Blues

There are moments when it all just hits you.
You will never see my kids... if I even have kids. will i ever have kids?
I will never know if you even liked me.. god dammit... why didnt you say anything?
I have to take care of your wife now. where the hell is my life?

i get pissed off at myself for wasting time... for not doing more, being more.
i get mad that maybe it's your fault that i need constant validation from men.
how the hell do i stop making the same mistakes? when do i get my chance??
i am sad... and guilty... for taking this trip overseas with mom... with your money. yes, it ours but still.
i hate that your death felt like a relief.... that the pain had stopped... that all our pain had stopped.

except it hasn't.

i wish i had more time.
to say thank you.
and sorry.
do you love me?


Sunday, July 1, 2012

Dear 32

It's one month to go before my 33rd birthday.
Before this year gets any worse, I have to say this:
Dear 32... you've been a bit shit.

It actually started off ok. I had a great birthday party last year. It was fun and silly and filled with pink girliness. I had a long table of friends there... but I'm not friends with a lot of those people today. That was mostly my choice but still. I'm not sure I want to have another party this year. I dont really feel close to many people at the moment. I think I've just retreated into my own shell and given up. I hope the feeling passes soon. I've done the ice queen thing... and blue is just not my colour.

And then I was in this long distance/complicated "relationship" that was just a huge waste of time and money. I had a couple of cool experiences (yay trance parties!) but I spent an inordinate amount of money on someone that couldn't even say he wanted to be with me. No one else to blame here... I'm just a needy, sad idiot. I may have had enough of throwing myself at people that actually dont really love me. I certainly hope so. 

Work was also so very busy. I was challenged in so many ways and asked to step up my game beyond what I wanted for myself. I am exhausted. And I'm still not sure where I want to go and what I want to be. It's complicated. :/

And then... this horrible month of June. My father has been sick for such a long time... so I'm sort of relieved that he is now in peace. At least I hope he is... I just dont really know how to deal with this death shit. More than that, I have to now take care of my mom. I feel decidedly unprepared and incapable. I despise this whole grown-up crap.

I have had some amazing people in my life and I am grateful for every kindness shown. But I still feel this cold, gnawing loneliness. This deep despair that I've fucked things up beyond repair. That I will never have a sense of peace and happiness. Maybe I need to just give myself a break.

So basically I think I'm just tired. I have no big plans for the month ahead... I just want to keep my head down and avoid life for a bit longer. The only interesting thing this past year was meeting with Rod Suskin. He did warn me that nothing would happen in my 30's. So I guess I just need to hang in there... and wait till the fabulous 40's.

Right now....



Thursday, June 28, 2012

The ghosts of loves lost

I had a strange feeling today: I missed my ex-husband.
The husband I left in 2008, divorced in 2009 and am still fighting with to resolve our joint estate. So maybe we're not exactly "done". I dont know.
But there was this jazzy tune that came on the radio and I remembered how we would dance like crazy people in our living room to that type of music... smiling, laughing... loving? I cant even remember what that feels like anymore.
But I miss it. I miss that. I miss.... what was and what could've been.

It's a strange feeling... after feeling hurt and angry and sad at everything that happened during our split.
It's a strange feeling knowing that the ones you love, will never really leave you completely.
They become a part of you... they shape who you are. They become your "story".
And you have to respect that... respect them.... and then... I dont know.
What do you do?
Forgive, forget... move on?
Do you ever take a step back and see if you missed out on something??

I've been going through a bit of a reconciliation period with old exes and flames and I'm glad I've reconnected with some of these people that were a part of my life. My heart feels a little better after remembering the good times with them and being allowed in their lives again. I feel very loved... but in a very different way. And I'm learning about what I've done wrong... about expectations... and loving the person for who they are and not wanting more (or less). So I see this all as positive steps forward.

But with some people... I guess some unresolved (or unexpressed) feelings still linger. I worry that I may hurt people again. I also worry that I could get hurt again. I mean... how many hits can a heart actually take before it's unusable? I worry that I may become too "hard" and will completely forget what being loved feels like. I worry that I may never actually have experienced it... so how will I know it when I see it??

I worry about all of this.. and have a bit of regret, of course.
I cant fix all the mistakes I've made. I cant go too far backwards. Self preservation and all that...
So I wont be contacting the ex-husband. But I hope he is ok. I hope he still dances and laughs.... and occasionally thinks of me fondly.

But most of all... I hope I can move on... forgive myself and them.. and maybe, hopefully soon... step into real lasting love. Whatever the hell that is. :)

But, dear ghosts, you will always be a part of my heart.
I had no idea I still had one... so thank you... for reminding me that I can be loved.
Thank you for the lessons you have taught me about myself and about love and life.
I hope I am learning fast.
Because I do miss it.
And that.


Wednesday, June 6, 2012


I know you know... but, just for my own records.. you are my sweetest downfall.
And I'm going to let myself be taken down....
Because I like it.
And I need it.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Heart pictures

Dear Little Rose

I haven't written to you in a long time... you're not forgotten, my dear. Not for one bit.
It seems like your memory pops up rather intensely at funerals. I guess I'm not good at dealing with death. I hope I never am.

But this week.. your image came up in another rather unexpected place. And since you're the only person that's actually been inside me... I guess you'd be the only one to understand all of this.

You see.. my guts are a little messed up at the moment. I know, right? I got the message... but I just need um.... a bit more direction, I think. Could you ask the folks up there to make it a little bit easier for me? Ta, hun.

Anyhoo.. there I am in a hospital ward, in a rather fetching navy blue sack, having my body being prodded and pricked. Not in a good way, darling. I had x rays done but they couldn't find anything wrong. So I was sent off to a sonar.

A sonar, darling. A fricking sonar.

So, I somehow believe they mean a different kind of sonar. But no... it's the SAME one they used to see if you were around. And all around they had pics of growing babies... and I just lost it. After all this time... I still lost it.

And here's something no one else knows... I kinda sorta hoped... against all possible odds but.... still.
I kinda hoped they would find a heart beat.

And, just like before.. they hadn't.

Instead, they found a stone.
A bloody stone FFS.

I have to dash.
I love you and miss you.
Take care.

Friday, June 1, 2012

It's not perfect

I thought I wasn't ok in my last post.... I had no idea.
My father died last week.
He'd been ill for a long time now.... but last week... it just got worse.
He couldn't walk.. he couldn't breathe. He gave his last breathe on Saturday morning.

I didnt get to say good bye.
I wonder if he knew that I wanted to.
I wonder if I could've said or done anything more.
Something... anything... we just wanted a little bit more.

The funeral was yesterday. I gave the eulogy.
Some people said I was brave. I didnt know that I had a choice.
Today... I decided to not be brave. Today, I was sad.
Today I slept... holding the teddy bear he bought me when I was 13 (yes, way too old for a teddy).

old handsby ~fmamb

I've worn his wedding ring as a chain all week... but today I actually looked at it for the first time.
(Time to face the reality, I guess.)
It's not a perfect circle.
I guess 34 years of marriage takes its toll.
As does 74 years of hard work, I guess.
My father worked too hard... every fucking day in the shop... with not much to show for it.
We have enough. We'll be fine. And my brother and I are smart kids...  we'll be fine.
But I just HATE it that someone who is a good person, who never harmed a single thing, with a warm and gentle spirit... can still get fucked by this world.
Yeah.... I am angry at you, world.
So angry and so sad.
Because it's all just unfair.


I came here to say that just because it's not perfect, doesn't mean it's not good..... and ok.
But I dont feel ok today.
So no happy ending today.
Take that, world.


Wednesday, May 9, 2012

The truth

If you want to find the truth... you have to admit to all your lies.

I lie. A lot.

I lie to myself, more than anything. And on days like today... I feel like I just cant trust what I think or feel. On days like this.. I rely on other people to tell me I'm ok. Which can be so very dangerous... because people are human... and say things without thinking... and.... well, yeah... you shouldn't need to rely on someone else to feel like you're ok.

The truth is: I dont feel ok.

I feel like I'm hanging onto a very very thin thread... and I'm not quite sure for how much longer I can "hang on".

The list of things on my shoulders is probably not that unmanageable.. but the combination of everything feels....overwhelming.

So, without spilling too much of the grisly details... I just have to be honest and say... No.. I am not okay.

Aside: Thank you Jenny Lawson for making it ok to not be ok. Much love for this video. xx

Ciao for now.
~ ani

Monday, April 2, 2012

What she said

Following on from my previous post...  I have to say.. this is worth waiting for.
So I'm copying and pasting this post from Ellie on what I look for in people, friends, lovers:

  • We might disagree; in fact that’s a very good thing but at the end of the day we can agree to disagree, and we can respect each other’s points of view.

  • You’re confident, but not arrogant.

  • You can win an argument with grace.

  • You can lose an argument with grace.

  • You can change your mind, and admit that you were wrong. When you are wrong, you fully admit it and take responsibility.

  • We might have different priorities, but if you are taking care of what’s top priority to you (and that’s not reflecting any extreme negative externalities) then we’re cool.

  • You’re not clingy.

  • You’re definitely not whiny. This is a weird one because I tend to whine, but it’s usually not sincere, just more a way to make light of a situation or hear myself talk.

  • You’re thoughtful and insightful. You are capable of talking about training. Or philosophy. Or politics, even if at the end of the day you do have one overriding passion.

  • You care about something, anything, that’s not just yourself or your physical existence or that of your family and loved ones.

  • You’re genuine, and honest, at least most of the time.

  • You’re strong and brave, and call me out when I need to be called out.

  • You can take as well as you can give.

  • You can accept a compliment (or a gift), and you never give a compliment you don’t mean, or a gift out of mere obligation.

  • You’re kind.

  • You’re genuine.

  • You make me smile, because you’re pretty much always smiling.

  • If you see a problem and it bothers you, you fix it rather than waiting for someone else to fix it or complaining that it’s not fixed.

  • If you encounter an obstacle, you make a plan. You don’t just stand around waiting for someone else to fix the problem.

  • You form your own opinion and don’t let anyone else tell you how to think.

  • You give advice lovingly, without judgement.
  • Tuesday, March 6, 2012

    On Being Alone

    So I did it. I let go. As with most things in my life, it happened in a rather dramatic way. But it is done.

    I finally got rid of the boy that at first made me believe I could be his unintended and, at other times, made me feel unimportant. The honest truth was that he kept me hanging on, never really committing to anything and making me believe that I was insane for seeing anything more into the things that he did and said. I may be insane in many other ways (ahem :P), but the bottom line is that he made me feel like shit... and that should never be acceptable.

    Funnily enough, it was an ex of mine that made me see this (and a few other friends: thank you!). As an aside, I cant tell you how happy I am that someone that I used to date doesn't hate me. I was getting a bit worried about my track record. And I'm sure my friends (um, well, those that I have left) will be a little concerned but I am happy to report that we are just friends and I am happy to have someone from my past back in my life.

    And the friends story. Well, I think I am basically without close friends at the moment. I have social interactions online and I do value those... really, I do. My twitter, facebook and stumbleupon friends always make me smile. But in terms of a RL BFF that I can call up and just "hang" with ... I have nothing.

    big girl panties time..
    I am ok with it.

    Fake a smileby ~Alephunky

    Well. Ok. I'm not 100% ok with it... but I need this time alone.
    I need to get away from controlling people that take over my life. This isn't their fault. I'm the one that willingly hands over my brain and just does whatever I need to do to be liked. I need to learn what *I* like... I need to choose the people that *I* want to hang out with. I need to learn to start saying "no".

    This all sounds great in theory... but I do feel a bit lonely at the moment.
    And my coping mechanism is by reaching out to my usual drugs of choice - the online world, food, emo-ness.
    I am aware of all of this though.... so I guess I needed to write this all out and see how I feel about it all now.


    I dont know where I'm going. But I think I'll be ok.
    One thing I know for sure: Ek wil meer as net oorleef.
    Wish me luck.
    *steps out alone*


    Wednesday, February 8, 2012

    Letting go

    I have some issues. Letting go is one of them.
    This weekend, I was cut off from technology. This isn't the first time it's happened but every time it happens, I do panic a little and realise how much I rely on that virtual connection.
    I realise how tightly I hold onto things and people... and stuff. So much STUFF!

    I've become better and better at letting go. After my separation and divorce, I have learned to let go of all the stuff I accumulated over those five years. Yes, I still wish I had my cups and plates and duvet sets I carefully picked out for our home... but I can live without them.

    Next weekend I need to chuck my ex husband out of my house and I'm a little scared/worried about all that stuff just being tossed aside. I shouldn't... but I do. I want it to mean something.... I hate feeling like it was all for nothing and now I have nothing.

    However, the stuff is easier to let go of than people. It's been difficult, but I have let go of a few people that made me feel less than awesome. I dont need any cheerleaders but I would like friends that think I am the bee's knees. I dont really have that right now... and it bothers me a bit. But I have to believe that getting rid of the old will help bring in some new blood, so to speak.

    I've also been shown how tightly I hold onto what I want.. and forget that sometimes I should let go of "want" and accept "this is what you need." How very buddhist. :P And sometimes it's more about "this is what you need to learn." It's a bit painful.... but I think I'm getting it.

    I dont know if this will make sense to anyone... but I feel like something is changing.
    I need to learn important lessons about love and life.... and I love how the people around me at the moment are challenging some of my old beliefs around that.
    I'm a little excited.
    I love the way my heart is a little bit more open than it used to be.
    By letting go of the crap, you can let a whole lot of love in.
    Happiness is.

    Tuesday, February 7, 2012

    The boy and the shoes

    Shoes by ~voorikvergeet

    There once was a girl that had some shoes.
    The shoes hurt her feet but she carried on walking with her friend up a mountain.
    She made it all the way to the top and spent some magical moments in rock pools with the friend.
    On the way back, she had to stop because her feet were hurting so bad.
    The very kind friend (a boy) offered the girl his shoes and he would wear hers.
    The girl protested but, after a few more painful steps, she tried on his shoes.
    They fit and they both walked off together down the mountain.
    The boy soon removed his shoes and walked barefoot instead.
    The boy hurt his feet on the rocky mountain.... but never once complained.
    The girl... was very grateful....and was in awe of his kindness and generosity.
    She was also, despite all her protests, fallling into serious "like" all over again with the boy.

    This could be trouble.
    But she didn't care.


    Saturday, January 21, 2012


    Riddle me this.

    How do you go from this.....

     to this...


    Life goes on... but yeah... some things still suck.