Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Dear Little Rose
I haven't written to you in a long time... you're not forgotten, my dear. Not for one bit.
It seems like your memory pops up rather intensely at funerals. I guess I'm not good at dealing with death. I hope I never am.
But this week.. your image came up in another rather unexpected place. And since you're the only person that's actually been inside me... I guess you'd be the only one to understand all of this.
You see.. my guts are a little messed up at the moment. I know, right? I got the message... but I just need um.... a bit more direction, I think. Could you ask the folks up there to make it a little bit easier for me? Ta, hun.
Anyhoo.. there I am in a hospital ward, in a rather fetching navy blue sack, having my body being prodded and pricked. Not in a good way, darling. I had x rays done but they couldn't find anything wrong. So I was sent off to a sonar.
A sonar, darling. A fricking sonar.
So, I somehow believe they mean a different kind of sonar. But no... it's the SAME one they used to see if you were around. And all around they had pics of growing babies... and I just lost it. After all this time... I still lost it.
And here's something no one else knows... I kinda sorta hoped... against all possible odds but.... still.
I kinda hoped they would find a heart beat.
And, just like before.. they hadn't.
Instead, they found a stone.
A bloody stone FFS.
I have to dash.
I love you and miss you.