Wednesday, December 23, 2009

my internet friends

Let's not discuss December 16th... or the 17th either.
I will leave the horrid details for my close friends and my now ex-boyfriend.
Let's just say... lesson learned.
I am never going to compromise what I want and need... EVER... again.
So it looks like I'll be single for a while... cause I'm a demanding bitch.

One good thing that I discovered this week... my internet friends are real.
Yeah, I've kinda known that for a while.. but, when hanging around non-internet people (waves to aunty and mommy), you tend to minimise the effect these "avatars" have on your life.

Of course... I don't do internet relationships like other people.
I put it all out there... I dont hold any punches. I give 100% of myself and I expect the same.
That reminds me of my favourite review of my page on SU* from my friend xineann:

: anitab
Description: Personal, engaging, full of life with all the joy and all the pain that comes from being alive. Her heart is out there. Because her heart is out there, one can bruise it without intending to.

She just got me. Wow. ^_^

So... at my lowest point last Thursday... when I felt that I had nowhere to go, that I had no one who could or would understand... I got the most amazing, supportive phone call from my twitter friend alice. I cannot thank her enough.
She also organised a place for me to crash for a bit.. and I crashed hard at ann's place. Thank you.. again and again and again.
Later that night I spent some time with karen and scott where I cried and laughed and danced and drank. Exactly what the doctor ordered.
I love you guys... all of you... so very much.

And then it was Friday afternoon.
I was spending some time with my cousin, when I got a phone call from my SU friend alfred from halfway across the world. The connection was bad, but the love and concern was real... and I felt so blessed.
I also got a lovely message from a friend who I had touched with a few words on a card. That meant a lot to me.
I put myself out there and I got it all back. And that makes it all worth while.

So... at Heather's Baby Shower on Saturday, when she introduced the girls as "my internet friends", I laughed and looked around at my pinkdrinks crew.
I just knew... these people are my friends for life.
I never ever forget a friend....
and your kindess will never be forgotten.
Thank you ladies and gents.



Sunday, December 13, 2009

Stuff I like

This post was inspired by the inspiring and beautiful, wise and witty Wenchy. (The purple background is for you. :*)

These are a few of my favourite products (that I happened to have around the house) and a little bit more about my madness.

Johnson's Holiday Skin Body Lotion:
This is my life saver during summer. I LOVE this stuff.
This is different to other self-tan lotions because it very gradually builds up a nice colour. The more you use it, the darker you get so it looks very natural.
I use it mainly for my legs cause I dont usually like to show them out in public. I'm slowly getting over that. ;-)

Knorr Mince Mate Range
Because I can't cook to save my life.. this makes me feel all awesome because it always comes out yummy. And it has all my favourite food groups in one: cheese, meat, pasta. Om nom nom. :P

JC Le Roux La Fleurette
Pink Champagne. This one's being chilled for a special celebration tonight. I'm not supposed to say this, but the boy likes this too. Not too sweet, nice n bubbly.. and pink! Woo! ^_^

Ultra Mel Custard
This always makes me think of summer holidays and Christmas time. It used to be a special treat but now that I'm all grown up, I can have it whenever I want! Goes well with jelly and/or ice cream.... or on its own, warm or cold. *drool*

Well.. what can I say... it does what it says... wonders! :P
The boy bought me this one recently. It is very pink. And very wondrous effects. Brand plus plus. :P

Oh so Heavenly Foot Range
I love pampering my feets... and this stuff does all I need it to do: scrubs, treat and nourishes. It's also been a hit with the boy. Oh so lovely. :)

Radox Herbal Bath Salts
Since I cant afford therapy anymore.. I take long hot baths. These "Aromatherapy" Bath Salts make the water all soft and smells so niiiiice... I don't think it has any healing powers, but it makes me happy.

Johnson's Baby Oil
Well, there is no baby at home... this is used mainly for massage. I've tried some other "proper" massage stuff... but this is still the best. Makes me happy. ;-)

Cotton buds
Ok.. my secret shame.. I'm addicted to cotton buds. This brand is crap.. but if I had the good stuff, I would use two or three a day. No, my ears are perfectly clean, thank you. I'm just.. um.. a little obsessed with the stuff. I know.. I'm weird. :-/

Hello Kitty anything
I know.. I'm too old for this.. but I <3 Hello Kitty kitsch. Pity that they only make the stuff in kiddy sizes.. meh. But I managed to find this alt Hello Kitty top at Mr Price. I LOVE it. AND... it's in PINK!!! I think I have too much pink. :P

There you go.
A small slice of my life.
Now show me yours.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Paolo Nutini

I have a new obsession... Paolo. <3
I'm sure I've heard him on the radio... but the name didn't stick. Well, today.. I'm stuck on repeat. So, here's a taste...

"Last Request"
Grant my last request,
And just let me hold you.
Don't shrug your shoulders,
Lay down beside me.

"Loving You"
when you're loving me, i'm loving you
and i love your prowess and the things that you do
and it's your flawless soul that bleeds my stone

"New shoes"
Oh, short on money,
but long on time,
slowly strolling in the sweet sunshine,
and i'm running late,
and i don't need an excuse,
'cause i'm wearing my brand new shoes.

"Jenny dont be hasty"
Oh, Jenny you are crazy!
First I'm perfect, then I'm lazy
And I was calling you my baby

and this video is just.... fun. :)

ok. go find the rest yourselves.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

Divorced... congrats?

So... I got divorced today.
My boyfriend's getting divorced tomorrow.
We're having a divorce party.
Some people find this... um... weird.
Well... news flash.. I'm a tad weird. :P

So why am I celebrating?
I mean... divorce is like a death... it's the end of something good... so it's bad, right?
I know... I used to believe that was true.. once upon a time.
I used to believe that staying married, staying together no matter what, was the right way... it was good... it was for the best.
I believed that you could talk things out, that love lasts forever, that my trust would never be betrayed... that I was loved completely.
Now, I can't believe that I was ever that young and naive...

I know when I stopped believing.
It was 31 July 2008. I was pregnant... about 10 weeks.
I had been in bed for weeks with anxiety and depression from work stress but I was glowing.
I loved being pregnant.
I hadn't told the "real" world yet, but my baby existed online in my StumbleUpon world. It was known as Baby Rose. I just knew it was a girl. I named her after my beloved grandmother. I was going for my first scan the following week to confirm.
I was turning 29 the following day, 1 August.

Despite all of this... I felt uneasy in my own house.
My husband was online all the time.
Now, this isn't usually a problem for me, as I'm an internet addict...
But.. there was something that had changed in him.
He didn't act like... well, like a happy father-to-be.
I tried my very best to ignore my inner voice... that nagging feeling that "this isn't right."
Anyway... I found out that he was having an intimate relationship with a female friend overseas. She had just got divorced and cried on his shoulder. A cry then turned into a kiss. This was all virtual, but I know how real that can feel.

Well, when I found out.. I was completely crushed.
I literally felt my heart break... and my baby cried with me.
And after everything I had done to try and rescue our relationship...
I had gone to personal therapy (because I thought I was the problem...). We had done some couples counselling (but I was still the problem...).
I ignored friends that were unduly influencing me to leave my husband and go after silly dreams... like being happy just being me... and maybe be with someone that I didn't have to convince to have babies with me.... silly stuff like that..

Anyway... after the scan, I found out that I lost the baby that night.
I already knew... so, when the gynae told me, I was numb.
My husband... well... he did nothing. He said nothing. Which is not unusual, as he didn't speak much.. but... FFS... I needed him.
Eventually, I just switched off from the world. I was dead inside.
I was in bed for another month. I felt that I had nowhere to go... but a place was found.
I moved out to my aunt's place... I went back to my husband.... we spoke... we went to family braais... I went back to my aunt.. I stayed at friend's... I drank.

The last straw... was December 2008.
I found a visa.. to Netherlands.. where the lady friend was.
So... the relationship had continued... all this time... all the time he'd said... he said he loved me. He lied.
Did I mention she had two children? And yet he didn't want one child with me...
It didn't matter anymore. I left... for the last time.
The next day I filed for divorce.... and he left to go play in the snow.

He came back two months later, and I had moved the rest of my personal belongings out.
We agreed to an amicable divorce and were just going to split everything 50:50 like responsible adults. No hard feelings.
Months later... and he had not supplied us with ANY information.
Instead, we were arguing over which dvd's were his.

In June 2009, I went over to dispense with the petty stuff.
Which cup do you want? Can I have the bedroom curtains? Silly stuff like that.
During our "discussion", the issue of the house came up.
He was living in it with his parents. I said that we'd probably have to sell it to settle the bond. He refused. But... we have to? He refused... and then told me to leave HIS house.
I laughed. He didn't.
He started pushing me out the living room.
He then asked for the garage remote key.
I refused.. and he got angry.
Long story short, he then twisted my arm, threatened my life, threatened to burn down the house.. and basically scared the shit out of me.
The assault charge is now postponed to February 2010.

So.. yeah.. since then.... I lost a bit of faith.
I've really tried to make this work.
I've really tried to be the person he needed me to be.
Just being me was never ever good enough...
But now I KNOW it is.
And I have people that know it too.

I don't know what the future will hold.
I don't know whether I'll be better off financially.
I don't know if I'll ever get married again or ever have children.
I'll miss my house and my cups and curtains...
But I'm happy being "just ani".

So.. yes.. congratulate me on finally letting go of a man I used to love... a man that taught me a lot... a man that has hurt me... but a man that can't hurt me anymore.

yay ani!