Who Are You?

Caterpillar: ... Who are you?
Alice: I- I- I hardly know, sir! I changed so many times since this morning, you see...  

Caterpillar: I do not see. Explain yourself. 

  Alice: Why, I'm afraid I can't explain myself, sir, because I'm not myself, you know... 

  Caterpillar: I do not know. 

  Alice: Well, I can't put it anymore clearly for it isn't clear to me!  

Caterpillar: You? Who are you? 

Full clip here.

Someone asked me the other day what I like, what I do, what my interests are... and I was stumped.

I know why I was stumped, though. I have really changed so much in the last few years that I really dont know who I am right now. And so many of the things I liked or identified with, was in some way related to other people, which included friends, family and boyfriends.

My attempts at fitting in and trying to be liked by everyone included doing what everyone else was doing.I was getting so good at it, I lost who I was. Or maybe I just didnt give myself a chance to actually find out. Better late than never, I guess.

It doesnt freak me out as much as it used to. This "finding out who you are" business means a fair amount of time alone, doing things that scare me a little... doing new things I might not like... and doing nothing *big eek*.

But with all these new and interesting challenges I put myself through, I seem to survive. I've done dinner alones, clubs alone, gone to parties alone... and I did ok. The general aim is to meet new people but, at the moment, I'm generally ok with just being "alone".

Somewhere, in that empty space, I'll start filling it up with things that I love. But, for now, I need to let go of a lot of things (including half my wardrobe) and just be... alone.

*little eek*

:)

~anib

On Being Alone

So I did it. I let go. As with most things in my life, it happened in a rather dramatic way. But it is done.

I finally got rid of the boy that at first made me believe I could be his unintended and, at other times, made me feel unimportant. The honest truth was that he kept me hanging on, never really committing to anything and making me believe that I was insane for seeing anything more into the things that he did and said. I may be insane in many other ways (ahem :P), but the bottom line is that he made me feel like shit... and that should never be acceptable.

Funnily enough, it was an ex of mine that made me see this (and a few other friends: thank you!). As an aside, I cant tell you how happy I am that someone that I used to date doesn't hate me. I was getting a bit worried about my track record. And I'm sure my friends (um, well, those that I have left) will be a little concerned but I am happy to report that we are just friends and I am happy to have someone from my past back in my life.

And the friends story. Well, I think I am basically without close friends at the moment. I have social interactions online and I do value those... really, I do. My twitter, facebook and stumbleupon friends always make me smile. But in terms of a RL BFF that I can call up and just "hang" with ... I have nothing.

And...
big girl panties time..
I am ok with it.

Fake a smileby ~Alephunky

Well. Ok. I'm not 100% ok with it... but I need this time alone.
I need to get away from controlling people that take over my life. This isn't their fault. I'm the one that willingly hands over my brain and just does whatever I need to do to be liked. I need to learn what *I* like... I need to choose the people that *I* want to hang out with. I need to learn to start saying "no".

This all sounds great in theory... but I do feel a bit lonely at the moment.
And my coping mechanism is by reaching out to my usual drugs of choice - the online world, food, emo-ness.
I am aware of all of this though.... so I guess I needed to write this all out and see how I feel about it all now.

*breathes*

I dont know where I'm going. But I think I'll be ok.
One thing I know for sure: Ek wil meer as net oorleef.
Wish me luck.
*steps out alone*


~anib