Saturday, November 20, 2010

Lessons from a cat

We dont really have cats. We have these stray cats that have kinda decided to make our garden their home. And my mom feeds them so... they haven't gone away.

But they're not really our pets... they dont have names, they dont let us pet them, they dont come inside (unless they want to steal food from the kitchen or scratch my mom's curtains).
But still.. they've become a part of the family... like a second cousin twice removed... we know each other, but we dont do hugs.

Anyway, so we've dubbed one of them "Tiger" because um.. she looks like a tiger.
She was always my favourite and is really a beauty with her brown and orange stripes.
But she's pretty vicious and prone to hiss at us if we try to approach her. She is the wildest one in the bunch and not very social with the other cats, choosing to keep to herself mostly.
I love her anyway. :) (Gee, I wonder why...?)

Tiger Kitten by ~Jinx-Pantax-Kun

One of the other cats has had some kittens. One of them died inexplicably, but the surviving kitten is a gem. She's a pretty little fluffy grey kitten and, since she's still small, I can pick her up and play with her. Although she really just wants to sleep most of the time. Aww.. too cute for words.

Since the little one has lost her sibling, she's been pouncing on the other cats, looking for someone to play with. The other cats just tolerate the little one, but, we've been amazed to see Tiger's response to her.
It looks like the vicious and feisty Tiger has become a bit of a big sister to the little one. Actually, she seems more like a surrogate mom the way they always sleep together.
It looks like the baby has tamed the wild tiger.


Somewhere in the back of my head, I still hear my ex-husband telling me I wouldn't be a good mother. He had some good reasons: I'm pretty disorganised sometimes (even for an accountant), I'm not a great housekeeper (couldn't even keep my house after my divorce!) and a whole bunch of other things that I try not to remember.

I wonder why I do still remember.. and why I let myself believe that for such a long time.
When I did eventually fall pregnant... I was petrified.. but I knew I loved Little Rose much more than I ever thought I could.
And that was enough.
I knew I was enough... because I loved her... completely.
I would be better, do better... do anything... for her.
Alas, it wasn't to be, but.... I did become a better person.
I left the man that made me feel that I would never be enough.
Even now, with this kitten in my lap and nothing else to my name, I'm better than I was.


Well, back to Tiger... I really loved seeing the change in her.
And I love seeing the change in me.
And I know.. one day... I will be tamed...
by the right person, at the right time...
and maybe just maybe...
I'll be a momma cat.


Tiger by ~fennecx

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A reason to stay

I've been reading a few other bloggers "30 days of Truth" blogs. I did mine in 30 minutes
One of the questions was: "Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life?" 

I just came across this link on Facebook from someone I would never guess had ever been through depression or even considered suicide. There are many things that people say to be nice, to be kind, to try to help... but, I'm afraid most of them feel more like a way to make you shut up. 

I've heard some of these lines... 
 “Have you tried camomile tea?”
“You don’t *look* depressed!
"Go out and help people and you won’t have time to brood…”
“Why don’t you give up going to these quacks (ie doctors) and throw out those pills, then you’ll feel better.”

One of the big ones are: You need something to look forward to, something to hold onto. 
I'm very happy for moms and dads that have kids that "pulled them through" the dark parts of their life. And everyone has these amazing friends and family that are "there for them"... 
I'm very happy for you. 

But what if you don't have that.
Well, obviously you rely on you. 

And that just sucks.

Friday, November 5, 2010

30 Days of Truth

So, everyone in SA blogging land is doing this meme. I decided to do it all in one post...

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
My body.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself
My sometimes twisted, sometimes dark, sometimes dorky sense of humour.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Letting some people down.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I think I've forgiven everyone I was angry with and that hurt me.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Make a difference.... maybe even leave the world a better place.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Lose a child.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
No one in particular.. but people seem to pop up when I need them.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
The men I used to love. All of them.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I used to hold onto people for longer than I needed to. I'm getting better at letting things go when their time is up. No regrets on that.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
No one in my life right now.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
I dont remember those types of things. Refer Day 2.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
I've never been told I should be a supermodel. Refer Day 1.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Alanis Morissette, Alicia Keyes, Mariza. Sing it, sisters.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Dont think I have any. I admire people for just being real.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
The Internet. Seriously... I've tried. I NEED to be connected...

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Oh, lots of irritating and stupid people but it's not very nice to name and shame. I just quietly ignore... mostly. Or rant about it on Twitter. ;)

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Hmm.. so many. I'll pick Supernature by Lyall Watson because I liked the link he made between nature and the supernatural. It lead me onto an interesting exploration of science and "new age stuff" when I was about 18. These days, I'm far too cynical to believe in anything, though.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Go for it. Though I'm actually rather anti-marriage in general.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Religion is the opium of the masses. Great for other people, I guess... just leave me out of it.
And politics is great entertainment... as long as they dont have too much power to influence my life.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I have never done any drugs. None. Ever.
Alcohol is ok although I really dont like the taste. I still prefer cooldrinks.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Get to the hospital. Bygones.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Wasted time and money at university.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Wish I'd hopped on a plane and left everything when I had the chance.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
This will take too long... some other time. But I might just play "waka waka" for @al_ice ;)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because I haven't done anything yet... though I'm not sure how many more chances I'll be given.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes, often. Because I dont know what to do with myself, mainly. And, sometimes because the pain seems more than the good stuff.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Um... my sense of humour. Keeps me sane-ish.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I'd have to find me a donkey and get myself to Bethlehem, I guess.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Would be nice if I was nicer to myself. Working on it.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Refer Day 2 and Day 27. That's it, ok?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A look back at Masks

It looks like Halloween is done and dusted.
The costumes and masks have been put away.. and people can be themselves again.
However, I just see people in different costumes and masks.
It still amazes me how much effort people spend on "looking good" for other people.
How often do we say that things are just fine... when they're not.
How many times do we pretend, do we lie, do we hide our true feelings?
Are you happy doing that?

Well, I stumbled onto this post on StumbleUpon that I wrote in 2007 (although the actual event took place in 1999) that still rings true. Extract from here:

"many moons ago, i attended a dress up party as snow white.
how funny, people said, cause you're just like snow white... all sweet and innocent.

and.. well... by now you should know how much i hate being typecast as anything...

so... i decided to try out whiskey.
drank too much and made out with some strange guy.

but no one noticed.
and no one really cared what i did....
except me.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

and so i learned...
don't let other people determine who or what you are....
just be you."

And i'm still learning.
When will I ever learn?!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

The Secret

The Secret by =Eibo-Jeddah

this is what i like about poetry.
and hope.
and you.
Two girls discover
the secret of life
in a sudden line of

I, who don't know the
secret, wrote
the line. They
told me

(through a third person)
they had found it
but not what it was
not even

what line it was. No doubt
by now, more than a week
later, they have forgotten
the secret,

the line, the name of
the poem. I love them
for finding what
I can't find,

and for loving me
for the line I wrote,
and for forgetting it
so that

a thousand times, till death
finds them, they may
discover it again, in other

in other
happenings. And for
wanting to know it,

assuming there is
such a secret, yes,
for that
most of all.
~Denise Levertov 

Sunday, October 24, 2010

The Ugly Duckling

I'm not quite sure how I stumbled onto this video but wow.. I remember it well. Good memories. :)

I have a soft spot in my heart for the little ugly duckling. Of course, I've always felt like one... not just in the "ugly" part (really, spare me the platitudes) but also the "not fitting in anywhere" part.

As a kid, I would wonder about my dear family and imagine great scenes of being switched at birth. Even now, watching them enjoying the WWE wrestling marathon on TV makes me question my origins. But we learn to live with our families and their quirks... eventually. At least you can choose your friends.... ha!

But still, even with friends, I dont quite fit into any group. Throughout my life, I've always done things just a little bit differently to everyone else. So, when I did the goth thing, I painted my nails blue instead of black. At university, I was the only BCom(Acc) student that did "The Sociology of Human Reproduction" for extra credit. I can head bang to death metal and, afterwards, very happily groove to a Michael Jackson tune.

I know... I'm a little weird like that. I dont regret any of these things and I'm glad that I'm now brave enough to express myself in any way that I choose. There are people around me that have enough heart to just let me be me. But still...

It would be nice to feel like you belong somewhere. It would be nice to know that someone needs you. It would be pretty freaking awesome if someone wanted you, without needing anything from you.


It would be nice... to be a duck. 

from Wikipedia

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Friends through the ages

I've always had a difficult time defining what a real friend is.

It's very easy to make friends as a kid. You both like My Little Pony and Take That (oh, dont judge me :P), you tell each other secrets and you share your lunch at school. I miss primary school.

And then high school happens. As friends, you bond over people you hate (the blonde "Debbie's") and music that you love (Nirvana & Pearl Jam). You try to fit in and then you try to be independent. You're a kid, trying to be an adult. For the first time, you fight and stand up for yourself. The other girls gossip, some people take sides, and sometimes friends break up. High school girls are mean.

Once all that drama is over, hopefully you're able to go out into the world and find out who you are. You can develop your own tastes in music, without looking at what's cool (I like the Parlotones, OK?!).  You can choose who you want to spend your time with. You dont have to try to "fit in" or hang around people you dont really like. But do you? 

I've found that most people "in the real world" still act very much like high school. They hang out with people that are "cool" and are so afraid to be themselves lest they get kicked out of the group. I've always loved the online world because I can choose my circle of friends with one click of a button. I've realised that other people cant be that "ruthless" and will hold onto "friends" for all sorts of reasons other than real friendship. 

As much time as I spend online, I know very clearly who my real friends are. I pay no attention to the numbers game on the various social networks because I can count on my hands the number of people that I really trust and love. Included in that number are people that I've never met on the other side of the world and some that I haven't spoken to in months. All the people I've encountered have had some impact on my life and I treasure them for it.
In the real world, it's much more difficult to meet new people. I've relied on Twitter for my social network and it's been fun for a while. But, right now, I need to have more quality than quantity. I understand that it takes a lot more time and effort and I understand that. I'm not an easy person to get to know but if you want to know me, just ask.  I'm feeling just a little jaded by some bad things that have happened, but I'll try not to bite.

So this is my new criteria for friendship: You dont need to like the same music I like. You don't need to share your lunch or even hate the people I hate. All you really need to do is learn to understand and know me, be honest with me at all times and make me laugh. Ok, and you can also buy me a drink once in a while. ;)

*edit: miss you alice. xx
(and boni and sollune and dsc)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Love is all that I can give to you

The song goes like this...
L is for the way you look at me
O is for the only one I see
V is very, very extraordinary
E is even more than anyone that you adore

My relationships are more like...
L is for the way you look me up online
O is for the only offer I've had in a while so I accept
V is very, very bad mistake
E is even though it sucks, I blame myself

and after a divorce?
L is for the only way I'll look at you is with a court order
O is for the only way we can talk is via a lawyer
V is very, very frustrating
E is expensive life-long lesson

And what about good friends?
L is for the way you look past my weaknesses
O is for the OJ and vodka when I feel like crap
V is very, very healing
E is exactly what I needed right now

I love my friends. 

 Take it away Nat...
Love is all that I can give to you
Love is more than just a game for two
Two in love can make it
Take my heart and please don't break it
Love was made for me and you


Friday, October 1, 2010


Tyler Durden: Listen up, maggots. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake. You're the same decaying organic matter as everything else.

Ah.. to be young and idiotic... I remember it well. It was so much easier back then.. to not care.. or not pretend to care. If you build a wall big enough around you, no one can ever hurt you again, right? Yeah, right. 

Of course we're all just organic matter, hurtling through space without any rhyme or reason but we're also human. And one of our basic human needs is love and affection. I know... you can all puke now.


But it's true. I don't know why people try to hide this fact from others. We all feel the same way. In this respect, we're not "special snowflakes" because we all want and need the same things.

We need people in our lives. Life is meant to be shared with others and to be full of joy and companionship. I'm not even talking about romantic companionship here. I know how lonely those can feel and I've learnt very quickly that one true friend is sometimes all you need. It helps to have someone to share your hopes and dreams, your fears and insecurities, your laughter and tears.


I know how hard it can be to feel like no one cares. I know how lonely it can be when you dont know who to turn to. I've been amazed at the love I've received from friends and strangers alike. I strive to be there for those that are in need because there is nothing like the feeling of giving back.

I've been touched this week by some amazing people. In giving and receiving, I've learned so much about love. I urge you all to reach out to someone in need... or, if you're in need... ask for help. I promise... it will be worth the effort.

Monday, September 27, 2010

Fly far away

Dear God, make me a bird. So I could fly far. Far far away from here. 
 ~ From: Forrest Gump

Ever feel like you want to run away, fly away... to just go somewhere that's not where you are?
I've tried running away many times... and it never works.
When I left my husband, I flew away with a friend to the Vaal River.
Recently, I was willing to give up everything and fly away to Mozambique.
My whole life feels like a marathon sometimes.. and I'm out of breathe.
I'm tired... but I keep going...

I know that I can't keep running away from things.
I'm trying to be brave and face it all. 
But I'm also not running towards anything.
I'm just standing.
Granted, this can be an achievement when all you feel like doing is falling... but still. 
We all want something more, don't we?

I spoke in my last post about my lack of goals.
The thing is.. the only thing I've ever wanted is love.
There's something tragic about a Leo that's not in Love. 
Our hearts are as big as the sun... but we really do need to have people to care about.

I know that love is "there for the taking" and that you have to "give in order to receive".
But, right now.. I just dont wanna. 
I dont want to put myself out there. I dont want to look my best. I dont want to do anything.
I just want to fly... so high. 
And if that means I miss out on love... then so be it.
I want to be unbreakable.
edit: thanks to my friend alice for this tune which makes sense to me. :)

Scar Tissue

I like to pick at scabs.
I wasn't too worried about it and was just going to mention it to move onto the (in my opinion) bigger problem of scratching old emotional wounds but trust the internet to make me feel like it could be a bigger problem.

Ok, so I don't think I'm OCD about it, but some of the things in this article ring true.

Picking scabs is a remarkably self-perpetuating way to act out obsessive-compulsive tendencies that often signal an underlying, often as-yet-undiagnosed mood or anxiety disorder..
Well, I know all about anxiety. I've been feeling more than a little bit anxious about life. Who wouldn't with impending foreclosures, a volatile ex-husband that can strike at any moment, a serious lack of goals, joy and money... and not enough shoes and other pretty things (in no particular order of importance, of course).

Being without money means that you cant get medication for anxiety. And if you try to do the right thing and just "work through it", your work turns out crap which just makes you feel like crap. Feeling crap means that you dont feel like doing anything else, whether that means looking for work or looking for pleasure, leaving you feeling even worse.  Self-perpetuating? Tick!

But wait.. there's more...:

Habitual picking of scabs is classified in the group of psychological disorders associated with self-harm, such as deliberate skin cutting....
Ah well... I know all about self harm. Many MANY moons ago, I would punish myself physically for my perceived "sins". I still do it, from time to time, but in smaller ways these days. I stop eating..  or I eat too much "bad stuff". I sleep to avoid the world.. or I stop sleeping to push myself to exhaustion. I push good and nice people away. I let destructive people in. I hate doing all of these things.. but I do them when I'm in "desperation mode".
the habit..(is) a way to relieve the pent-up frustrations or fears when other ways of dealing with conflict are not effective. Feeling that verbal communications are ineffective leave the scab picker feeling there is no other way to express the emotional turmoil going on inside.
And that's why I'm here, I guess. To express the feelings and fears that I cannot express verbally.  Except I dont really know what I'm feeling or what I should do about me. I feel myself shutting down communication.. and I worry about it... a lot.

As I alluded to in the opening paragraph, I also go back over old emotional wounds. I wonder about impossible questions like "what if?", "why now?", "why me?" and sometimes "why not me?"
I ask the questions.. but get no answers.
I guess I'm just stuck.
Or maybe I'm exactly where I should be... healing.

More on scars from Wikipedia:
Scars are areas of fibrous tissue that replace normal skin (or other tissue) after injury or disease...Thus, scarring is a natural part of the healing process.(edited)
So.. there's a wild idea. Maybe if I just leave these scars alone, they'll actually heal and I'll be able to finally move on. I'm still not sure how I should do this... but I'm going to try. The alternative is just not a pretty sight.

And now for the real reason behind this post: Cue the Red Hot Chilli Peppers.

Monday, September 6, 2010

A cry, a smile, a dance

I stumbled onto this old post and a poem that I posted more than a year ago... (before everything!):

The Guest House
This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

By Rumi, Translation by Coleman Barks

I'll be honest... I've been having some pretty dark thoughts recently. It was a combination of some very depressing things... but basically I lost all hope of ever getting somewhere. 
I feel like I'm constantly banging my head against a mountain... and I got tired of fighting.
I gave up on life.

And then... I dont know what it was... the quiet confidence of friends saying without words "I believe in you", the fact that the sun was determined to shine no matter how long I slept and hid behind closed curtains, or the fact that I quickly ran out of DVD's to watch after my three days in bed. *chuckle* (But seriously.. I need more movies, guys. Hook me up!)

I don't know what it was... but today I decided to step outside. I was prepared to run back into my coccoon... but I didn't. I talked with friends, I smiled... I even laughed and danced a little. Oh, I did cry as well, of course... but what's life without a cry, a smile.. a dance. (cue Judith Sephuma.)

So... these last couple of dark days have been cleared out.
There will be others... and I will greet them with as much love as I can next time.
I have a bit of hope back and I am ready.
Bring it on.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

the abyss

i like pictures.
i find that i can express myself better with images than with words.
which is why i love my StumbleUpon page and collect the best images here.
so i was stumbled this image by a friend.. and it just felt... familiar.
this is what my life feels like.
a happy little girl enjoying a care-free life...
but with the ever present dark, horrible abyss not very far away...
and i can see it.. and know that it's there... but i have to just keep on swinging...
or something like that.
*emo sigh*


Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Hug a cynic today

I think I'm turning into a cynic.
I literally puke if someone uses the word "boyf". *puke*
I look at newly formed couples and think... "why have they settled for this?"
I look at newly married couples and hope they have a pre-nup and that she kept her name and her own bank account... and don't sign a bond together.
Ok, so I speak from a few bad experiences. I guess it's kinda understandable how I feel.
But I don't want to live with a closed, battered and bruised heart.

I've tried very hard to keep my trust in mankind.. but man always seems to find a way of letting me down. And yes, in this case... it is mostly the men. (Although the women are often just as bad...)
I realise that this makes me difficult to approach and interact with. Who wants to approach someone with distrust in their eyes?
But this is how I feel: I dont trust.

I do believe (and hope, a bit) that it is a temporary backlash to a time in my life when my love and trust was abused. I feel like a bit of an anemone... open and trusting until someone gets too close and then I close up tight.
I think it's just going to have to take someone truly special to get through some of my tentacles.
Or maybe it will just take time.. and I will change my attitude.
I dont  know.

I just know that I'm not "putting myself out there", not checking out the cute guy in the corner, not trying to be nice and approachable... and I'm not "looking". And I'm kinda ok with that.
I'll admit that I'm looking forward to Mozambique where I can start all over, with no reminders of my past hurts. It's a bit drastic, but it might work.
I hope it does.

Maybe I'm not such a big cynic after all.
I'll stick to my corner of the world.. but...
If you want to throw your arms around me...
I guess I won't say no.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Puzzle Pieces

Women's Day 2010 was a day of firsts.
I did my first ever 10km race with my cousin.
We walked it (of course) and survived the rain and wind along the way.
Yay us! I think I'm now ready to do the Blisters for Bread 20km with al_ice. Woo!

Right after that, al_ice invited me to the 12 Apostles to have lunch with Mr Awesomeness.
I had never been there and, with such delightful company, I couldn't refuse the offer.
Well, the place was as decadent as I expected. I loved the rich furnishings, the stunning views of the mountain and the sea, the delicious food and the witty humour flying across the table.
It was a perfect day. :)

So, as we settled into the post-lunch lull, I noticed a puzzle box nearby.
It was of Table Mountain at night.. with lots of blue sky pieces and black sea pieces.
It looked impossible but I thought I'd just try and see how far I could get.

I sorted out the black and blue pieces and worked on the mountain and the border for a bit.
Some pieces were missing... some were simply misplaced.
I got frustrated and left it... and then looked again and I could see how to fill a gap.
Slowly, I started seeing the pictures in the blue pieces and the subtle differences in the big blue mass.
I guessed a few.. and it worked. With others, I could just see where they fit in and they did.
Pretty soon I was so involved in the puzzle that I lost track of time.. and what was going on around me.
I looked up.. and could finally see the bigger picture and how much I had completed.
I smiled.
And then I laughed.

Isn't it funny how we often look at a situation that seems impossible.. and we're unable to see any way out?
We get frustrated with what life gives us and give up when we feel that we dont have enough.
With a bit of perseverance, a little luck and a new perspective, we often do find a way.

During the race, there were so many times when I wanted to give up.
I looked and saw everyone else running.. and I was walking.
I looked and saw all the fit and healthy people.. and I clearly wasn't.
I looked up at the rain and thought.. surely they dont expect us to run in THIS?!
But I did. Despite everything... I did it.

Some people treat life like a race.
I'm going to walk... never giving up... taking the uphills with the downhills, the rain and the sun... but, in the end, I will accomplish what I wanted to according to my own rules and standards.
This can be the only way to real happiness.

I'm still trying to figure out how to put the bits and pieces of my life together.
I still believe that I have a few pieces missing... but maybe I'm just not looking at the big picture.
I'm going to take a step back and try not to put it all together right now.
I know that I have some good stuff "put together"... and that's a pretty good start.
I'll get to the rest of the puzzle when I need to.
For now... I'm just looking at all the pieces.
I'm sure it will all click into place somehow.

I haz its.

Blank spaces

I had a birthday recently.
It wasn't too momentous.. only my first ever 30-something. I only get 8 more and then I turn 40 and then, apparently, no one cares how old you are. Thank goodness. As much as I love numbers, I dont really like this particular numbers game. I don't mind getting older, as long as the wiser bit kicks in soon. ;)

I had a bit of a party the night before with my *deepfriend* Alice. The actual birthday on Sunday was spent with other friends and family. It was a pretty casual, relaxing day... and I was spoiled with lots of pink stuff, lots of laughter, a bit too much wine and genuine warmth and love.
It was good.
And yet...
I couldn't help but be concerned about the "blank spaces".
I know. I do this all the time... and I hate it.
I hate the way I look at what I dont have and ignore what I do have.

But this time it was a little bit different.
This time I had purposefully created the blank spaces around me.
I have shrunk away from social interactions before but for very different reasons.
Before, I was scared and I hid from the world as I sunk into my deep dark cave of depression.
I am grateful that those days are mostly over, but I do have to challenge those fears every day. 
I'm still scared but I'm getting braver.

This new "space-making" exercise is about something else.
I feel like I'm making space for a more authentic life.  
I populated my life with as many people as I could, out of a desperate need to be liked, no matter what.
Right now, I want people that I love.. and people that love who I am... in all its complexity.
I know that's asking a lot but it's what I do: I love too much, care too much and give too much.
All I'm asking now is for it to be reciprocated.
And I feel like I'm getting to a stage where I'd rather do without than "settle" again.

I also want to surround myself with positive people. I need people around me that have asked the hard questions of themselves and are striving to live a life that is filled with truth and integrity. It's not an easy road to choose. I realise that it's easier to live in denial because I have been there. I just can't go back there again and I need the support to stay on the hard path because it's the best thing for me right now.

So, looking back at some of the blanks, I'm grateful for the good times that we shared and am a bit sad that I can't share this new path with you. But this is where I need to be right now.
I truly feel that, by making these spaces, I can attract what I really want and need.
In the mean time, I'm going to have to learn to live with just the empty space around me.

I hope this will all make sense one day...


Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Dear You

Dear You.
You who I'm not supposed to still be thinking about.
You who I've blocked and removed from my online life.
You who told me many moons ago.. that I could do this.
You who abandoned me.. when I did it.
You... who said he would never leave.
You left.

I'm now listening to your music, stumbling onto your pictures.
Wondering... hoping... could we go back?

I sit here perplexed.
You are still able to use the words "soul mates".
How is it possible that we could ever be mates... without ever meeting?
How could you know anything about my soul... without seeing my eyes, feeling my lips, touching my hips...?

We've been through this many times before.. and many moons ago...
I have to now accept that our time has passed.
Whatever could've been.. can no longer be.

So I thank you... for making me believe that I was worth the effort so long ago.
For helping me find the beauty that was hidden inside for so long.
For bittersweet moments that I can never forget.

I'm sorry that we hurt each other... when neither one of us wanted that.
There is still a small part of me that is angry with you.
I'm angry that you gave up too easily..
angry that you didn't fight for me.

But with all these mixed up feelings...
With all this unresolved madness...
I say good bye.

goodbye kiss

Monday, July 19, 2010

No more fear

Part 1:

You are bigger than me... a giant monster of a man.
You are older... but not wiser.
You know some things.. like how to scare a little child.
You are hairy... everywhere.. and you smell like cheap wine.
You are selfish... and evil... I hate everything about you.
I hate who you are and what you did.
I felt ugly and stupid.. and scared.
I secretly smiled when you died.
And I still keep your secret.
You don't deserve that.

Part 2:

You used to adore me... and then you stopped.
I tried to be everything you wanted me to be.. but I could only be me.
I left you... and you were angry... very angry.
You pushed me around and forced me to listen to you.
You promised to take everything away from me, including my life.
You lied... to me, to my family, the law and to yourself.
You think that you've won... but I pity you.
I am walking away but I still feel trapped.
I am still scared.
I hate that.
I hate you.

Part 3:

You lied to me... just as you lie to yourself.
I told the the truth and you told me to shut up.
You then forced me to shut up.
This time, I had the strength to walk away.
You are nothing.

Never again... will any man make me fear.
Never again.. will I be held down, shut down, put down.
Never. Ever. Again.

Pic Link: Fear
Please Note: The above is merely my opinion and my experience. Nothing will be removed.
And I am by no means a "battered woman".. but have had a few scary experiences. That is all.

Friday, July 9, 2010

Little Rose

Hey baby girl.
You came up the other day...
I was talking about "my story" to some new people and you briefly made an appearance.
Isn't that just so you. :P
I'm never quite sure what to say about you...
Technically, you don't exist but, to me, you changed my world.

I know why you had to go.... I wasn't ready to take care of you.
I had to learn that I was worth so much more than I was getting at the time.
If I could so easily love a speck like you, why did I not expect more from those around me?

And yet.. and yet... I miss you.
My desire for motherhood sometimes overwhelms me.
But I know.. I know... it's just not for me.
I can't expect a speck to love me, when I treat me the way I do.

So... that day is coming up. The day that a piece of both of our hearts died.
I remember everything... and feel everything I felt then, but I am saying nothing.
I dont know whether I've really learned my lesson, dear one.
I dont know what more can be done... I may be a lost cause.

I hope you have some pull wherever you are.
Could you ask the boss to give me some clearer signs.
I'm tired, little one... I need some light.

Yes... I see.
I see what I did there.
I need to look inside again, right?
You are a smart girl. Obviously mama's child.
Love you.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I don't know

From an old group post on Stumbleupon:

and it's me who's too weak
and it's me who's too shy
to ask for the thing i love

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Can't speak

i've had this feeling since i was 9.
don't speak.
do as you're told.
play nice.
what will the neighbours say...

since then... i've never been comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings. it's been a long road to finally understand what i feel... but i know i'm not quite "over it".

i always seem to get into situations where i am made to feel that i can't say what i think... cant express what i feel... cant just be me and be accepted for that.
and i realise that most of it is just me holding myself back.

my tormentors are no longer in my life, but they still have an effect on me.
for some reason, every man i've been with has decided that i need to be shut up in one way or another.. sometimes with force.
i cannot explain the fear that i still feel... but i know that it is still very difficult for me to trust again.
and i hate that. i hate them... and i hate myself for allowing this to continue.

i need a place to express this anger.
being online used to be a free place for me, where i could just express what i felt with no real consequences.
with real life friends and acqaintances in places like twitter and facebook, i am finding it limiting.
if i were to rant and rave... and swear like i want to... i'm pretty sure my dear friends would call the white coats on me.
but that is a side of me that i desperately need to express.

i AM angry... about a lot of things. and i know that behind the anger is a lot of sadness. but i can't get to it if i'm not allowed to express the anger.
and, right now.. i dont have a place where i can do that.
so... once again.. i feel like i'm suffocating, unable to breathe, to speak freely, to scream... to cry.

so i'm having a quiet scream to myself here.

just thought i'd let you know.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Monday, May 24, 2010

The mirror has more than two faces

Have you ever been to DecoDance? It's a cool retro type club that plays 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's music. I dont think I've ever boogied to the Beatles in a club before. I had a really great time there on Saturday night with some new and old friends. We were on the dance floor for almost 5 hours non-stop! Fun. :)

So, in between the fun and madness of the dance floor, we did take some small breaks. The walls are all mirrored. I looked at my big red face in the mirror... and laughed. My hair was a mess, I was sweaty hot and I had that naughty, crazy look in my eyes... the one where I'm so full of confidence that I just say whatever I feel like. Pretty scary, but, honestly... it's probably the happiest that I've been in a very long time.

I was reminded of the last painful time that I was there.. Halloween 2009. I was probably smiling and did have a good time with my friends... but I felt sick and broken inside. I remember my cousin putting on my make-up that evening... and I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I felt so ugly, unwanted and rejected... and all over a silly boy.

There were many other times when I avoided the mirror. Last year this time when I was alone and that horrible year of 2008 when I felt alone, I often looked at myself, with tears streaming down my face, wondering if I'd ever stop crying. I couldn't see anything good in the mirror beyond the tears.

Thankfully... I had other mirrors that showed me the truth. I had friends that looked at me and saw more in me than I ever could at the time. Through their eyes, I was beautiful, loving, caring, funny... strong. They never stopped showing me my true face, forcing me to see what was real. With their eyes as my mirrors... I slowly became brave... and looked again.

The rest, as you should know, is history (just go read the rest of the blog! :P). Some friends have come and gone... and I do miss them... but I'm still surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, witty, loving people. I am grateful every time that I'm in their presence. Their love gives me immeasurable strength to carry on.. to keep smiling... to fight for the very best because I deserve it. Through their eyes... I see a "me" that I love.

And yes, I know that I can't rely on other people to feel good about myself. I dont. I really am getting to a place where I am ok with me. More than ok... I'm freaking awesome. :P

Looking at the mirror today.. I just know.
I know.
I hope you know it too.
And if you forget.. I will remind you.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Mothers and daughters

It's mother's day.
Mothers and daughters... is there any relationship that is filled with so much frustration, irritation and intense feelings of love and hate? Well, I suppose the relationship between men and women comes close.

Seeing a few of my friends doing the "mother thing" recently, I'm always in awe at the overwhelming love and care that one human can feel for another. I suppose the nine-months- living-inside-you thing kinda makes you feel connected to the little poop spewing bugger.. but still. It's beautiful to see a mother's love in action.

I'm also under no illusion that it's an easy job that just comes naturally. It's practically an impossible job, but millions of women do it every single day. Going without sleep, a new pair of boots, a holiday away.. and to not even have a moment to yourself to just sit and do nothing and not worry that the thing is still breathing... is truly a testament to the power of love.

And I know that there are many mothers out there... that sometimes get it wrong. I know many people that have a difficult relationship with their mothers because they just weren't available to them in a way that they could feel the love. We all make mistakes... and we all need to forgive each other. Yes, forgiveness is possible... and essential. Above all, we need to understand so that we can learn to love again.

So.. I guess that's where I am. My mom was great... IS great. She loved my brother and I with everything. Perhaps she loved us a bit too much.. and I often wish that she had a life outside her children, but it's not for me to decide what's best for her.

I was going to write about the things that have hurt me throughout the years... things that she shouldn't have said.. things that she should've done.. but I suppose it doesn't matter.
I was loved.. and that was enough.

So, I guess I'll say what I always say every year...
Feliz Dia De Mães.
Obrigao para tudo.
Tua filhinha,


Sunday, April 11, 2010

Life is long

I am part of the 90's "meh" generation.
I was a grunge girl... "oh well, whatever, nevermind" was our cry.
We were young, spotty rebels without a freaking clue.
Every generation has their reckless youth... and ours was no different, I guess.
The "live fast, die young" attitude was used an excuse for some pretty stupid activities. It doesn't matter, right? Life is short... try everything once... do whatever feels good to you. Right?
Well... no.
As you grow up, you realise that there are consequences to your actions.
Sometimes... life long consequences.

"You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years."
Chris Rock

I often despair at my generation. Why are we so self absorbed?
Perhaps the excesses of the 80's was the beginning of the "me" generation.
Having too much of everything made us feel like we were owed everything.
We just have to look at the rapid growth of Web 2.0 sites. It's all about me.
MySpace was the beginning... and look how quickly that disintegrated into a masturbatory mess.
However, pretty soon everyone (and their mother) was blogging, Facebooking and Tweeting.
Do we ever shut up about ourselves?

And yes.. I've stayed away from blogging for a very long time because I hate how self indulgent it can be. The constant introspection and self-analysis cannot be healthy. Yes, I know we pay therapists now to just talk to us about ourselves... but, in the hands of immature kids, it's a dangerous practice.
While I love the freedom that true open honest discussion gives us, is it really ok to just say whatever you want whenever you want to say it? Are there any consequences to our actions?

This isn't an attack on bloggers... it's not about the medium. It's about our intentions.
You don't have to believe in karma to be aware that all our actions, big and small, have some effect on our world.
Everything that we do or say has repercussions.
Life is long.
Think before you act.
And maybe think of others before you think of your own needs and wants and desires.
You are important and you deserve the best... but we all need each other.
Life is serious business but we all make mistakes along the way.
One bit of good news is that no matter how many times we stumble through life... it does go on.
And, with a bit of help from our friends, the burden is shared and eased.
Just ask.
I'll be there.

Pic link

Saturday, April 3, 2010

My idea of fun

"Wanna have some fun?"
Yeah! Life is too short... let's have FUN!
Oh wait... what do you mean by fun?
Oh... that. You just want "no strings" access to my body parts?
That's um.. sweet. Tempting.. but no thanks.
Want to know what my idea of fun is?

Let's talk about how to make the world a better place.
I want to hear your ideas, your hopes and dreams for the future.
I want to know what makes your heart ache... what makes you laugh out loud.
I want to know your deepest darkest secret... and then laugh together at how silly it is.
I want to know your fears and weaknesses... and love you anyway.
I want coffee made for me, just the way I like it.
I want chocolate and flowers.. because "I thought of you today."
Body parts? You want body parts? Let me show you how.. and where... in a million different ways. Isn't that better than one sloppy drunken night? It is for me...

Know what else is fun? Having a life growing inside you.
One that I made with you... a combination of both our lives... a part of both of us.. forever. How fun is that?!
Then we get to watch it grow... we love and nurture it together.. we learn, we grow.. together.
I see you every day, and learn more about you every day.. and love you more... every single day.
And you teach me more about myself.. and I grow and change.. and become a better person because of you. And you love me... more and more.
Are we having fun yet?

So... yeah. I like having fun.
I want fun... with someone who knows what it's really all about.
Call me when you grow up and figure it all out.

love ani.
yes... love me.
it's all or nothing.
i'm worth it.

Foolish games

Don't tell anyone... but I still think about you... every single day.
It's been about six weeks now.
I don't know what you're up to.
I don't know who you are, and, yes, I'm sorry, but perhaps I never did.
I've stayed away from you, your friends... your life.
My life has gone on... I've been good.
But I miss you.
And I think about you.

It's hard... but I keep reminding myself that I never did make you happy.
We both desperately wanted and needed to love each other unconditionally... but we never could.
I wish we didn't hurt each other when neither one of us wanted that.
I don't know why we felt like we needed to keep trying to make it work, when it just didn't.
I know all of this... and we both know a lot more that will never get discussed...
But I still miss you.

I hope that you're ok.
I wish... that things could've been better.
I wish I could've... been better.
I wish you could've... been stronger.
I love you.
I wish I didn't.
It would make things so much easier...
I've tried hating you... but we both know that it's not true.

Anyway... this means nothing... and it doesn't matter.
It's over... and I'm tired of playing this game.
Good night.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Chopped Liver

I'm not quite sure how it started.
Who told you that you weren't worth it? That you weren't good enough for the very best that life has to offer?
And why... oh why do you insist on believing this and keep telling yourself the same thing?
If we look long enough, we can always find people and things to blame.
Perhaps no one is to blame... it is what it is?
We all need to learn our lessons in our own way.
But I'm not settling for anything less than WOW.
I deserve 100% of your time, energy and effort. If you think I don't.. then you need to go. Go now.

Never ever ever again... will this girl be anything less than number one.

That is all.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Jy is cooler as ekke

[reference: Jack Parow. This post is for South Africans only as I speak in Afrikaans.]

Ja. Jy is.
I've just never ever been cool.
Well, there was that brief moment in time when my youngest cousin thought I was awesomer than awesome.
Although back then, we didn't use the word awesome. I think I was kiff. Ja. Net so.
But she was young and impressionable... so... I dont think that counts.

About the only thing that made me cool was that I was, like.. so grunge, man.
I wore black all the time. Even had black nail polish AND lipstick. Hardcore, bitches. *giggle*
I even went vegetarian for a bit (that's pretty damn hardcore for a porra, ok?).
And I knew everything... about everything. Ah, to be sixteen again... ;)

Other than that, I was never cool at school.
To everyone else, I was a chubby boffin nerd and, worst of all, a "good girl".
Yep, I didn't smoke, drink or have sex when I was in high school.
No drugs either. I just watched. Yes, really.
I always did what I was told.
Mother said: Do whatever your teacher tells you to do. And I did.
I did all my homework, passed all my tests... was a good little girl. Always.
You can see how this was an epic disaster waiting to happen, right?

Anyway, even with all the smarts, I'm not geeky enough to qualify for geek cool.
I know a lot of geeky stuff... mainly because I spend a lot of time online.
I know about lolcats and internet memes and how to tweet and blog.
I know that the cake is a lie , Cthulhu is lord and master of all and the Flying Spaghetti Monster saves.
But I still love M$. I'm sorry.. but I do.
And although I now have Ubuntu on my laptop, I still pronounce Linux wrong (Lie-nux instead of Lih-nux).
It sucks. I'm geeky enough to be an online addict but not geeky enough to roll with the real geeks. I should really learn computers...

Other than that, I've always lived in da norf. Ja, beyond the boerewors curtain.
And, like, not even in the cool part of da norf. That would be D'ville, you Southern Suburb Snobs. Meh.
I've lived in Woodstock, Maitland (the horrors), Goodwood (shut it), Bellville (SUID!) and Parow. Ja. Fokken Peh-row. I KNOW, ok?!
Anyway, it's fine. At least I keep it real. Actually, no... I just feel like I dont belong anywhere. Very frustrating.

What else makes me not cool?
Well.. I LURVE silly crap.. like Hello Kitty... and My Little Pony... and butterflies. So gay. :P
Talking about gay... I should really be a gay man. I'd kick ass. (Oh, stop giggling.)
Music: 70's and 80's trash, Madonna, George Michael, ABBA. Yep, I have no shame.
I watch Oprah... and Dr Phil. If I could, I'd watch E-Entertainment channel all day.
I drive a Tazz.
I don't wear jeans.
I'm unemployed.
I think Die Antwoord is stupid.
I like the Parlotones.
I've answered a personal ad.
I can't tweet on my phone!

Argh... This is so liberating.
Now you know some of my secret shame.
I dont think I'll ever be cool... and that's really ok.
I'm pretty happy with my quirks.
Anyway.. don't panic. And don't unfriend me! :P
I do have some standards.
At least I don't own Crocs.
*chuckles to herself*

Friday, March 5, 2010

Stumbling through Relationships

So I've had this post in draft for a while.
It's been in my head for an even longer while.
After a divorce and another failed relationship, it makes sense to want to go back and think about “what went wrong”. The details of “what went wrong” will be kept between me and the parties involved.
I do believe that every experience in life is there to teach us something about ourselves. They say, when you lose, don't lose the lesson. Well, I'm still learning.. but, taking into account my mistakes, this is what I've learned about myself.

One thing's for sure... I'm not going to stop being attracted to brains. Yes, I'm a zombie... I want Braaaaaaaains. :P
Ahem. But seriously. The people that I tend to associate with are usually highly intelligent.I've never really liked being smart.At school, it was just never ever a cool thing to be. It got so bad that during University, I actively started slacking off and tried to be dumb to fit in. As with everything though, I excelled too well at it, and landed up failing my Honours year at UCT. Along with it, I lost a job at a Big 4 audit firm. Well done ani! *rolls eyes*
Anyway... it all worked out for the best, I guess. I re-did my Honours and passed Board I and II exams first time. All of a sudden... being smart was cool again. I associated with new people, smart people and was admired and respected for who I was. So THAT's what real friendship is all about. Live and learn. :)

But I digress. My point was... I love intelligent people.
I don't know enough about everything, but I admire people who want to know more.
I love people that can play with words... the writers and the poets.
I admire the skill of musicians and artists.
I adore people who care about the state of the world and truly, deeply care about their fellow man.
Whatever you're good at... do it well and do it with your whole heart.

While I admire the “head” intelligence, it really does mean nothing without a good heart. I've learned that I have a good heart. I need someone who will not use and abuse that.
Probably one of my many faults is that I love too deeply... I give too much...
Many others have said that this is one of my best qualities.
My heart still feels a little bruised, so I'm going to lock it away for a bit.
But I cannot imagine a love that does not completely overwhelm every one of my senses. It has to be passionate and crazy and consume my world. It's all or nothing with me. And yes, I'm worth it. :)

Other than that... physical things don't really matter.
I think I have an irrtional dislike of blonde people, though. Some of my best friends are blonde (no, really!) but I'm a brown haired, brown eyed girl.. and I suppose like attracts like in this sense.
Or perhaps it's just comforting to stick to what you know. I'm willing to change my mind about that.

But you can always get me with your eyes.
A kind man once said that he was too scared to look into my eyes because it felt like I could see everything in his soul. Yeah.. I'm pretty intense, I guess. And I need to have eyes that can stare right back into my soul. You can't just look at me and feel... indifferent.I have to be moved....shaken to my core. It's happened before... and I don't want to settle for anything less.

Other than brains and heart and eyes... what more could a woman want?
Well, you have to be honest with me... 100% honesty... ALL the time.
I require monogamy too. This appears to be an old-fashioned idea, but I believe that it's still possible. If it's not, feel free to go swing in another tree. Freak. *cough*

But I digress...again. More than anything... there has to be an acceptance and understanding of who I am. This is no easy task as I'm still unsure of who I am. Which is why I need to just sort myself out first. Everyone has their demons to fight, but I really feel that I need to get to a place where I'm ok with the mess that I am.
I'm almost there. I can feel it.
I'm getting more and more confident in my skin... and surrounding myself with people that love and support me, with no ulterior motives.

While I've met some wonderful boys... there is currently no one in my life that has me wowed.
I still think back to the passionate loves I've had... and I miss it very much.
But I need something more.
There are great things ahead of me... I can feel it.
In my fingers.
I feel it in my toes.
Love is all around me.
And so the feeling grows.
*chuckles to herself*

Monday, February 15, 2010

Funerals, babies and grandmothers

*started writing Monday, 15 February*

It's been a bit of a weird day.
My mother just told me this morning that there would be a funeral later today.
The funeral was for a very close family friend that has been fighting cancer for many many years.
Last week, my mother went to visit her... and just knew.. the end was nigh.
I wasn't expecting to have such an emotional response to it... but here I am... being emotional.

Firstly, this was an amazing woman... so full of life and love and passion.
My mother and her grew up together in Portugal and found each other again in Woodstock (Cape Town) decades later.
We didn't meet often, but when we did.. there was so much love between everyone.
Whenever I met her, she enveloped me with generous hugs and kisses. She made sure that the people she loved knew how she felt.
There is a bit more intricate family history... but suffice to say that she is a close family friend and she will be sorely missed by many people.
RIP Arlindina. xxx

During the service, there was lots of talk about her role as a loving mother. I think that was the part that got to my mother... and me.
When my mother lost her mother, it was a huge loss for her that she will probably never fully recover from. I think you can survive almost anything that life throws at you... but my mother doesn't WANT to. She misses her mother.. she needs her mother.. and, without her, she feels that her life is empty.
I can't say that I will ever be able to understand... until I lose my mother.
Wondering what that would feel like... lead to a lot more emotion than I was prepared for.
But wait.. there's more... *sigh*

I do miss my grandmother too... very very much.
We had a very special bond. I practically lived with her for a few years after a brutal attack at my parents' shop when I was about two. I was too scared to go back to the shop so I stayed with her in Woodstock while my parents worked. Also, during my primary school days, I would often go to her house after school.

Of course... these memories are tainted with memories of my step-grandfather.
I've spent far too many years in therapy and in depression to still have these horrible thoughts about him.
But.. I've been told (nods to Adin) that you cant control your thoughts. So.. I guess all I can do is watch them and try to understand why they're there.
I'm not prepared to discuss that man right now... but I do still hate him.
I thought that I had forgiven him for the things that he did... I don't know anymore.
But I still hate the fact that I wasn't allowed to spend time with my grandmother. He took her away from me.. and I needed her in my life.
I still do.

She was an amazing woman: strong, spiritual, funny, sweet.. generous with all that she had.
We would shop together, sow together, cook together, work in the garden together... pray together.
I also believe that she was a healer. Being a traditional Catholic Portuguese woman, she worked within her frame of reference, but I have seen her use touch therapy to heal sick people.
There were many people that would go see her to be healed.
She was the inspiration to explore the healing arts myself.

She was also the inspiration for my unborn baby.
I'm sorry.. I know that it's silly and ridiculous to still be mourning a 10 week old fetus.
I know there are people that mourn real tragedies... newborn babies, toddlers, real people that die.... *sigh* but still.
I named my baby Rose after my grandmother Rosa. It only really "lived" online in my stumbleupon world... but it lived.
So, yes.. the funeral touched a bit of a nerve around that.
Questions about whether I will ever be a mother still plague me.
Fears that I probably killed my own child still haunt me.
Sadness that it was probably never meant to be... still lingers.
And yes... I wonder if my ex-husband feels any of this pain.
If he ever really cared... If I made the right decision...
What if... what if.. what if...

So.. with all of this...
here I sit.

With these thoughts and fears and tears...
from deep dark places that I dont want to look at...
here I sit.

Here I breathe.
Here... I look up.
Here and now...
I carry on
And keep on walking.