Saturday, November 20, 2010

Lessons from a cat

We dont really have cats. We have these stray cats that have kinda decided to make our garden their home. And my mom feeds them so... they haven't gone away.

But they're not really our pets... they dont have names, they dont let us pet them, they dont come inside (unless they want to steal food from the kitchen or scratch my mom's curtains).
But still.. they've become a part of the family... like a second cousin twice removed... we know each other, but we dont do hugs.

Anyway, so we've dubbed one of them "Tiger" because um.. she looks like a tiger.
She was always my favourite and is really a beauty with her brown and orange stripes.
But she's pretty vicious and prone to hiss at us if we try to approach her. She is the wildest one in the bunch and not very social with the other cats, choosing to keep to herself mostly.
I love her anyway. :) (Gee, I wonder why...?)

Tiger Kitten by ~Jinx-Pantax-Kun

One of the other cats has had some kittens. One of them died inexplicably, but the surviving kitten is a gem. She's a pretty little fluffy grey kitten and, since she's still small, I can pick her up and play with her. Although she really just wants to sleep most of the time. Aww.. too cute for words.

Since the little one has lost her sibling, she's been pouncing on the other cats, looking for someone to play with. The other cats just tolerate the little one, but, we've been amazed to see Tiger's response to her.
It looks like the vicious and feisty Tiger has become a bit of a big sister to the little one. Actually, she seems more like a surrogate mom the way they always sleep together.
It looks like the baby has tamed the wild tiger.


Somewhere in the back of my head, I still hear my ex-husband telling me I wouldn't be a good mother. He had some good reasons: I'm pretty disorganised sometimes (even for an accountant), I'm not a great housekeeper (couldn't even keep my house after my divorce!) and a whole bunch of other things that I try not to remember.

I wonder why I do still remember.. and why I let myself believe that for such a long time.
When I did eventually fall pregnant... I was petrified.. but I knew I loved Little Rose much more than I ever thought I could.
And that was enough.
I knew I was enough... because I loved her... completely.
I would be better, do better... do anything... for her.
Alas, it wasn't to be, but.... I did become a better person.
I left the man that made me feel that I would never be enough.
Even now, with this kitten in my lap and nothing else to my name, I'm better than I was.


Well, back to Tiger... I really loved seeing the change in her.
And I love seeing the change in me.
And I know.. one day... I will be tamed...
by the right person, at the right time...
and maybe just maybe...
I'll be a momma cat.


Tiger by ~fennecx

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

A reason to stay

I've been reading a few other bloggers "30 days of Truth" blogs. I did mine in 30 minutes
One of the questions was: "Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life?" 

I just came across this link on Facebook from someone I would never guess had ever been through depression or even considered suicide. There are many things that people say to be nice, to be kind, to try to help... but, I'm afraid most of them feel more like a way to make you shut up. 

I've heard some of these lines... 
 “Have you tried camomile tea?”
“You don’t *look* depressed!
"Go out and help people and you won’t have time to brood…”
“Why don’t you give up going to these quacks (ie doctors) and throw out those pills, then you’ll feel better.”

One of the big ones are: You need something to look forward to, something to hold onto. 
I'm very happy for moms and dads that have kids that "pulled them through" the dark parts of their life. And everyone has these amazing friends and family that are "there for them"... 
I'm very happy for you. 

But what if you don't have that.
Well, obviously you rely on you. 

And that just sucks.

Friday, November 5, 2010

30 Days of Truth

So, everyone in SA blogging land is doing this meme. I decided to do it all in one post...

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself
My body.

Day 02 → Something you love about yourself
My sometimes twisted, sometimes dark, sometimes dorky sense of humour.

Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Letting some people down.

Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
I think I've forgiven everyone I was angry with and that hurt me.

Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.

Make a difference.... maybe even leave the world a better place.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Lose a child.

Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
No one in particular.. but people seem to pop up when I need them.

Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
The men I used to love. All of them.

Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
I used to hold onto people for longer than I needed to. I'm getting better at letting things go when their time is up. No regrets on that.

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
No one in my life right now.

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
I dont remember those types of things. Refer Day 2.

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
I've never been told I should be a supermodel. Refer Day 1.

Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days.
Alanis Morissette, Alicia Keyes, Mariza. Sing it, sisters.

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down.
Dont think I have any. I admire people for just being real.

Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
The Internet. Seriously... I've tried. I NEED to be connected...

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Oh, lots of irritating and stupid people but it's not very nice to name and shame. I just quietly ignore... mostly. Or rant about it on Twitter. ;)

Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Hmm.. so many. I'll pick Supernature by Lyall Watson because I liked the link he made between nature and the supernatural. It lead me onto an interesting exploration of science and "new age stuff" when I was about 18. These days, I'm far too cynical to believe in anything, though.

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Go for it. Though I'm actually rather anti-marriage in general.

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Religion is the opium of the masses. Great for other people, I guess... just leave me out of it.
And politics is great entertainment... as long as they dont have too much power to influence my life.

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
I have never done any drugs. None. Ever.
Alcohol is ok although I really dont like the taste. I still prefer cooldrinks.

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Get to the hospital. Bygones.

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Wasted time and money at university.

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Wish I'd hopped on a plane and left everything when I had the chance.

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs.
This will take too long... some other time. But I might just play "waka waka" for @al_ice ;)

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Because I haven't done anything yet... though I'm not sure how many more chances I'll be given.

Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Yes, often. Because I dont know what to do with myself, mainly. And, sometimes because the pain seems more than the good stuff.

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Um... my sense of humour. Keeps me sane-ish.

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
I'd have to find me a donkey and get myself to Bethlehem, I guess.

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Would be nice if I was nicer to myself. Working on it.

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself
Refer Day 2 and Day 27. That's it, ok?

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

A look back at Masks

It looks like Halloween is done and dusted.
The costumes and masks have been put away.. and people can be themselves again.
However, I just see people in different costumes and masks.
It still amazes me how much effort people spend on "looking good" for other people.
How often do we say that things are just fine... when they're not.
How many times do we pretend, do we lie, do we hide our true feelings?
Are you happy doing that?

Well, I stumbled onto this post on StumbleUpon that I wrote in 2007 (although the actual event took place in 1999) that still rings true. Extract from here:

"many moons ago, i attended a dress up party as snow white.
how funny, people said, cause you're just like snow white... all sweet and innocent.

and.. well... by now you should know how much i hate being typecast as anything...

so... i decided to try out whiskey.
drank too much and made out with some strange guy.

but no one noticed.
and no one really cared what i did....
except me.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

and so i learned...
don't let other people determine who or what you are....
just be you."

And i'm still learning.
When will I ever learn?!