Tuesday, December 20, 2011

Going on holiday

The last time I went away on holiday was in December 2008 with my friend to her family home on the Vaal River in Sasolburg. Since then I've been through a pretty horrible couple of years... getting divorced, being unemployed and generally trying to sort my life out.

So I cant express how ecstatic I am to be going on holiday this Christmas. It will be my first time away from my family for Christmas and New Years so it will be a little sad (for my mom :P). But I'm really very excited.

I'll be flying to Durban airport on Thursday evening and then driving to Sodwana Bay with a friend. I'll be staying at Natural Moments and will hopefully go on a dive at Sodwana Bay and visit Lake Sibaya. There are also a couple of special people I'd like to see in Sodwana and I cant wait to finally meet them.

We will be going to Ponta de Ouro (Place of Gold) in Mozambique for New Year's Eve and I have a dolphin swim planned at Dolphin Encounters for the 2 January. So excited!!!!  

It's actually a very short trip but it's going to be lots of fun.
Merry Christmas and a very happy New Year's to all.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Well, I don’t like living under your spotlight
Just because you think I might find somebody worthy oh oh oh
Well, I don’t like living under your spotlight
Baby if you treat me right, you won’t have to worry

I was on a boat on the Vaal River in Sasolburg when I decided that this was the song. This was the song that said it all. This was the reason I left my marriage in 2008. This was what I didn't want anymore: to be in someone's shadow.

But, for some reason, I did it again... and again.
The truth is, I'm petrified of the spotlight.

Spot light by leepro

There's an element of laziness to it. It's easier to hide in the shadows.
There's definite fear. Putting yourself "out there" means you could get hurt.
There's a clear anxiety that I'll make mistakes and everyone will then know I'm not perfect. OMG...!


But still...
I keep trying.
I keep demanding and wanting more.
Despite the fear, I keep fighting for my piece.
I want my light.. and not just a moment.
I want a place and I want it all.

Monday, November 28, 2011

It still hurts


It's been three years since I filed for divorce. It's been a tumultuous couple of years... and it's still not finalised. It's tiring. I've been challenged emotionally so many times that I often feel like I just cant deal with any more on my plate. Throw in a couple more broken relationships along the way and I'm really a stumbling wreck.

But on I go... pretending?
Maybe just hanging in there... doing the best that I can.

I've gone through all the emotions. I've been angry and sad and given up many times. Surely, by now, I should be done with all of this? I should feel nothing. But, today, while talking to a new colleague about the drama, I realised.... I'm still hurt.

There are a couple of things that still sting from that breakup. The big thing was that he didn't think I'd be a good mother. Growing up, all I knew for sure was that I wanted to be a mother. Now? I know nothing for sure.

I think he could actually be right about that though. Everyone I've loved and cared about in some way has grown to hate me.. .or, worse, has grown indifferent and "abandoned" me (Yes, I'm allowed to be melodramatic here). Yeah, people change and we all grow apart... but I just dont think I'm a very good friend. Or girlfriend, if we're being brutally honest. 

I'm far too selfish and self absorbed. They say that when you have a kid, you change. I was hoping that would happen. I dont want to be self absorbed... but when there's no one to take care of, what am I supposed to do? Right now, I'm just not emotionally connected to anyone and I feel a deep need to. It bothers me. It makes me feel empty. But maybe I should just be on my own for a while longer until I figure out how to be loveable.

I'm also still hurt by his betrayal. I know that I betrayed him too... but I just always expected him to always love me. Yes, I still believed in love... even when I had fallen out of love. I'm not sure I believe in anything anymore. I dont like being this cynical.. but I am. I dont know what else to be right now.

I feel bad that I hurt him. He did love me. Or maybe he just liked the idea of a wife. I once found a list that he made of pros and cons of being married to me. It was difficult to read. I think it's harder to believe he didn't actually love me.

I hate how I still feel bad about doing what was best for me.
I hate how I still make excuses for his behaviour.
I hate that I will never ever feel good enough for the best.


It still hurts.
I want that to stop. 

Monday, June 27, 2011

What child is this?

So.. feel free to judge me or whatever.. but when one is at a hippy "do", you do hippy things. I wouldn't say I'm a hippy. I'm far too cynical about supernatural shit these days... but sometimes... sometimes.

Ok, so I was at this "hey shoo wow" festival thing and I paid a psychic to tell me my fortune.
I didn't have any burning questions, but she was looking at my cards and asked me immediately why I didn't want to get married again. She said there was this nice, intelligent man with a pure heart that was interested in me... but I was pushing him away. There's only one person I know that had shown interest... and I didn't really believe it was "real'.... so.... I was a bit shocked. +

But there was more... a lot more.
I asked some basic questions about work... and got the answers I needed.
And then I decided to be brave and ask about family. She looked again at this man.... but said he couldn't give me children (TMI but he's been snipped).
But she saw a little girl.
The girl is already on this planet.
I will be adopting her soon....

*deep breathe*

I was just.... oh my god.. I SO wanted this to be true.
At first I thought she was talking about Little Rose but she is no longer here...
I dont know how or what or why... but I feel like I should be a mother.
Could I be so wrong? Again??
I dont know.... but this just feels right.

A few other things of interest, I'll be in a new job next year and I'll be visiting Australia  but I wont emigrate from South Africa. That's all I remember....

But I just care about the baby girl.
Please please please.... let that be true.

+ I subsequently gave the nice man a chance... and have been having LOTS of fun. And not just fun fun.... but the emotional stuff is good too. Not sure about the future though. It could be amazing... we'll see... we'll see.

edit 2 years later - yeah it was all bullshit.

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Dolly and the Rockers

this is a copy paste job from my SU blog from 27 April 2008:

Let me explain the story with me and Dolly.
I asked Mom to buy me the new Kylie Minogue album for my birthday. The locomotion, baby.. everybody was doing it. :P
Now, my mom couldn't speak or read English, so I asked her to look for the album with the girl with big blonde hair.
I guess it was an honest mistake...

But this was the second time my mom had done this to me. I remember when I asked for a Barbie doll.. and she got me freaking Dana. I mean.. come on..she's a brunette! She's the one on the left (like you didn't know). Mine had an orange top with blue pants and orange earrings. Urgh.

But enough about my childhood trauma... (Oh, I did eventually get a Barbie... but I never really liked her. Meh. And I never did get that Kylie album.)

So, because I'm such a nice person (no really, i am :P)... I accepted the Dolly Album with a smile.
And I listened..
and I loved.

Now. Jolene. It's a great song.
This version is strong and powerful. Compare it to this sweet and innocent version.
And this is just so cool.

*update 2011: Dolly still rocks my world.

Monday, February 21, 2011

not a believer

I thought love was only true in fairy tales
Meant for someone else but not for me.
Love was out to get me
That's the way it seemed.
Disappointment haunted all my dreams.

*delete delete delete*

I thought love was more or less a givin' thing,
Seems the more I gave the less I got.
What's the use in tryin'?
All you get is pain.
When I needed sunshine I got rain.

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

Buck up!

~ ani

Monday, January 3, 2011


Linger by*eiahmiki @ DeviantArt.com

Our brains are pretty amazing. We're one of the few mammals that can grasp the concept of a past, present and future. I'm particularly interested in memories and how our brains can trick us... or how we (consciously or not) can trick the brain back.

I dont know much about the psychology of memories, but I know that every time you think about something, you create a link in your brain to it. The more you think about it, the stronger that link becomes. Which is why it's often difficult to forget the things that we want to forget... because we keep thinking about them!
"Nothing fixes a thing so intensely in the memory as the wish to forget it." ~Michel de Montaigne 
It's true that what you resist, persists. So, why can't we just stop?! Urgh! Because we're also emotional creatures with active imaginations. The problem with a memory is that you forget the bits that you didn't like and you're often left with a rosy view of the past. It's natural... but it can be dangerous.

So.. as the year ended a couple of days ago.... I went through the year that was, picking at certain memories. There are so many things that I wish I hadn't experienced... so many mistakes... so much unnecessary crap that I put myself through. There was good stuff too: amazing new and renewed friendships, an awe-inspiring World Cup, a quiet confidence that I've never had before.

There are still a few memories that catch me off-guard and it still hits me hard when I remember a certain pain, a betrayal, a lack of caring... I choose to keep remembering those because I want to learn. I dont want to go back there... so I have to learn from the pain.
I want to remember it all, so that I can learn to be thankful and grateful for ALL of life's experiences.
I want to be better and do better.
And, eventually, I do want the memories that hurt to go away and not linger in the back of my head.
I really want to.. and I will.. in time.
For now... they linger...
But not for long... I promise.

Oh, I thought the world of you
I thought nothing could go wrong
But I was wrong
I was wrong

Happy 2011.
May you be brave enough to remember.