Sunday, May 30, 2010

It's not you

It's me.

And I want this...

How difficult is that to understand?

Monday, May 24, 2010

The mirror has more than two faces

Have you ever been to DecoDance? It's a cool retro type club that plays 60's, 70's, 80's and 90's music. I dont think I've ever boogied to the Beatles in a club before. I had a really great time there on Saturday night with some new and old friends. We were on the dance floor for almost 5 hours non-stop! Fun. :)

So, in between the fun and madness of the dance floor, we did take some small breaks. The walls are all mirrored. I looked at my big red face in the mirror... and laughed. My hair was a mess, I was sweaty hot and I had that naughty, crazy look in my eyes... the one where I'm so full of confidence that I just say whatever I feel like. Pretty scary, but, honestly... it's probably the happiest that I've been in a very long time.

I was reminded of the last painful time that I was there.. Halloween 2009. I was probably smiling and did have a good time with my friends... but I felt sick and broken inside. I remember my cousin putting on my make-up that evening... and I couldn't bear to look at myself in the mirror. I felt so ugly, unwanted and rejected... and all over a silly boy.

There were many other times when I avoided the mirror. Last year this time when I was alone and that horrible year of 2008 when I felt alone, I often looked at myself, with tears streaming down my face, wondering if I'd ever stop crying. I couldn't see anything good in the mirror beyond the tears.

Thankfully... I had other mirrors that showed me the truth. I had friends that looked at me and saw more in me than I ever could at the time. Through their eyes, I was beautiful, loving, caring, funny... strong. They never stopped showing me my true face, forcing me to see what was real. With their eyes as my mirrors... I slowly became brave... and looked again.

The rest, as you should know, is history (just go read the rest of the blog! :P). Some friends have come and gone... and I do miss them... but I'm still surrounded by beautiful, intelligent, witty, loving people. I am grateful every time that I'm in their presence. Their love gives me immeasurable strength to carry on.. to keep smiling... to fight for the very best because I deserve it. Through their eyes... I see a "me" that I love.

And yes, I know that I can't rely on other people to feel good about myself. I dont. I really am getting to a place where I am ok with me. More than ok... I'm freaking awesome. :P

Looking at the mirror today.. I just know.
I know.
I hope you know it too.
And if you forget.. I will remind you.

Friday, May 7, 2010

Mothers and daughters

It's mother's day.
Mothers and daughters... is there any relationship that is filled with so much frustration, irritation and intense feelings of love and hate? Well, I suppose the relationship between men and women comes close.

Seeing a few of my friends doing the "mother thing" recently, I'm always in awe at the overwhelming love and care that one human can feel for another. I suppose the nine-months- living-inside-you thing kinda makes you feel connected to the little poop spewing bugger.. but still. It's beautiful to see a mother's love in action.

I'm also under no illusion that it's an easy job that just comes naturally. It's practically an impossible job, but millions of women do it every single day. Going without sleep, a new pair of boots, a holiday away.. and to not even have a moment to yourself to just sit and do nothing and not worry that the thing is still breathing... is truly a testament to the power of love.

And I know that there are many mothers out there... that sometimes get it wrong. I know many people that have a difficult relationship with their mothers because they just weren't available to them in a way that they could feel the love. We all make mistakes... and we all need to forgive each other. Yes, forgiveness is possible... and essential. Above all, we need to understand so that we can learn to love again.

So.. I guess that's where I am. My mom was great... IS great. She loved my brother and I with everything. Perhaps she loved us a bit too much.. and I often wish that she had a life outside her children, but it's not for me to decide what's best for her.

I was going to write about the things that have hurt me throughout the years... things that she shouldn't have said.. things that she should've done.. but I suppose it doesn't matter.
I was loved.. and that was enough.

So, I guess I'll say what I always say every year...
Feliz Dia De Mães.
Obrigao para tudo.
Tua filhinha,