Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Unfollowing friendships

So today is that day. I’m not even going to bother checking my timehop today because I remember how raw my feelings were when I posted on Facebook and Twitter about my dad passing away.

Three years ago, I really thought I had many friends on social media. Maybe I did… but I know that I had not a single “friend” show up at the funeral. Not one. And when I was hospitalised later that year, I also had zero visits from any “friend”. 

That year was one of the worst (second only to my divorce year in 2008), but at least I learned some things.  Mainly, I learned to fall out of love with my twitter followers. Not everyone is your friend… And that’s ok. I cut out a large percentage of my followers and don’t speak to any of the Cape Town “twitterati” anymore since that year. I have zero desire for any more tweetups. My life got a little bit more offline and, these days, I do share a whole lot less. Then again, I also have a lot less drama in my own life and very little interest in other people’s drama.

The internet is still an amazing place with lots of potential for magical connections. I still have close friendships with people I’ve never met in real life (through StumbleUpon mainly). But a real friend shows up in real life. A real friendship requires action and time. A real friendship has more than 140 characters.

I still have quite a few “friends” online and offline that I know aren’t real friends. We are friendly and nice to each other but I know that I only have a few people that I can call up at any hour and rely on them. Lord knows I am so very done with unreliable people. And I cut them out much more easily (and quickly) these days.

Anyway, I guess I’m still angry at the people I was friends with at that time that never showed up for me. I’m not quite over it and I suppose I will have to let it go. But it’s made me much more aware of who I can trust and perhaps also made me a little too aloof with new people.

It’s my self defence system, I guess. When I am your friend, I will give 100% of my loyalty and I have to know for sure that you’re not going to bail on me. So I wait and see and check people out for a long time before I “commit” to the friendship. Not many stick around for that but it’s ok for now.


People are hard work.


edit. thanks to cath jenkin for linking to this article about our "online generation." in short... this is just how we are... but it sucks sometimes.

Friday, May 22, 2015

Remembering stuff

I'm really not a fan of remembering death anniversaries... but this one has been lingering on my mind for a while... so I guess I just need to address it.

On Tuesday, 26 May 2015, it will be three years since my dad passed away.


I'm not sure how I feel about it. But I guess I'm sad.
Sad that it doesn't really matter... and sad that it really really does.

That's all for now.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

The tree in the forest

Last night, the tourist posed that question to me about the tree in the forest in one of our many many engaging conversations. I cant remember the context, really, but I can remember my unspoken thought: if I cant see it, it didnt happen. Some times I can be very literal (#injoke).

Something happened to him earlier that day and I had joked that I wouldn't believe him if he didnt have pictures. Pics or it didnt happen is basically the millennial version of the tree in the forest question.

 And while struggling today to come to terms with the fact that he has now left the country (2 hours ago or so), and then trying to summarise my emotions in an appropriate, but not too sad, facebook and/or twitter post.... I came up with: "If it's not seen or heard or spoken, did it really happen?" Which I didn't post, of course, because no one likes vague booking.

 But the sad realisation is that, for me, external validation is everything. If my thoughts aren't vocalised or expressed in some way and has some kind of feedback, positive or negative, I dont feel like they're real or worthy of anything. And that really sucks, on multiple levels.

Firstly, it makes me super addicted to all kinds of social media. I am not so proudly aware that I'm on at least ten active websites... the excuse is that I spread myself around so I dont become "too much". But I am "too much" or, more honestly, I actually feel "not enough". For many of these profiles, it's not really about the validation. Sometimes I just want the chance to see my thoughts written so that it feels real. Just thinking them is not enough...

Secondly, it makes me very vulnerable to manipulative people. I hope I've had enough of these types of people and I've become better at just not engaging with them anymore. But it's still difficult to walk away and not feel guilty that I cant save everyone.

And thirdly... man oh man do I worry a lot about what other people think. I sort of hoped that I would grow out of this by 35 but it's a pretty stubborn belief. I've learned to stop caring what random strangers think about me... but it's still important to me that I dont look like too much of an idiot to the people I know.

The only good thing is that I'm aware of all of this now.

And with all of that... I still have to somehow document how important the tourist was to me. There are very few people in the world that I can spend so many days with and not get bored. He's one of the easiest people to talk to and super nice, funny-ish (I was teaching him to be funny :P) and pretty smart too.

He was also pretty intuitive and an excellent listener. I will miss everything that he taught me about myself in a very mischievous way. His very sarcastic and teasing sense of humour helped me to look at some things that I didn't really want to look at. But I'm learning... and I'm grateful for the mirror. Also... literally. (#injoke)

Anyway... I will miss you, tourist.... until we meet again.
Today raba.


Thursday, January 22, 2015

afrikaburn 2015

First time I'm doing the whole burn... and with some organised people. Could be the best one yet. :)

Monday, November 24, 2014

update on 2014

So. It's been a while.

I usually only feel like writing when I'm horribly miserable and I dont really want to explore all of those emotions publicly. I'm a little less miserable at the moment as I've been sick with some type of flu and a really bad cough for a few weeks now. But perhaps a random (and vague) catch-up of my mental state is important (at least for me).

Well nothing has changed in my personal life. In the romance field... nothing is growing. Not even a sniff of a possibility. I've sort of tried to accept that I'm actually not ready for a relationship anyway and subjecting someone to the mess that is me, at this point in my life, would be a little dangerous. But still. You know.

In the field of friendships.... I am not really trying. In fact, I seem to be pushing people away. I've written off quite a few friends over small transgressions (and some with good reason, I think). It's got more to do with me, of course, but I haven't let anyone into my circle of trust in a long time. And I really dont want to let back anyone from my past. If I've made mistakes, tough. But I do still wonder what if, maybe, but...? And that doesn't help.

I'm still a bit social in small doses... but nothing of any substance, I think. People appear to like me but, I um... am not convinced. The doc and my only close(ish) friend has reminded me on numerous occasions that the only person who doesn't like me is me. Touche.

The doc says I'm depressed and have been for a while. And here I thought, this was the happiest I've been in a while. I am actually really happy at work. And I still have a great time at trance parties (although I have cut down on this "addiction" this year). I guess I still have a shit load of unresolved issues that come up from time to time... which I'm working through... kinda. You know.

The hardest part of life at the moment is being on my own... with myself... by myself.

A friend's mother passed away recently and another friend's mother is dying from cancer. I feel like a terrible friend because I really just cant deal with things like this. I'm having dreams about my father and grandmother... and I wake up and feel like I'm mourning their loss all over again. I still dont get on with my mother which is apparently why I'm unable to make female friends. So.... there's also that. I honestly dont see any resolution in this... ever. That's pretty depressing.

Otherwise, I'm just looking forward to getting away from Cape Town over the silly season. I need a proper break away from everything. I'm always so tired over November and December and I really need to take care of myself. I'm trying. In small doses.

Hopefully next year, I will have enough money to go away on my own. For now, I just need to get better.



Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Forget about it

There are days... sometimes weeks... sometimes years... that can feel like you're dragging yourself through mud. When every minute of every day feels like a struggle. When, a little too often, you have to make the conscious choice to keep going, to not give up.
Those days feel cold, dark... and so very lonely.

I somehow managed to get out of such a slump recently. There were lots of internal reasons for it.. but mainly I was raging against this idea that looking to love to "save yourself from yourself" is not the answer.
I was angry. Sad. But mainly pissed off that lots of other people seem perfectly happy fixing their broken selves with love.... but I had to stay away from love and go do the shitty work of fixing myself first.
Not that I actually had a choice here.. but still. I raged. And emo'd.

But I got over it. And, funnily enough (oh thank god I got my sense of humour back.. I missed that the most), I stumbled onto this clip from the Emmy's last night. Here's some Woody Wisdom for you:

And even though I dont really blog here a lot... I do share lots of things in different places. I've recently re-discovered a place called Categorian. And it's always interesting looking back...
Even though I know this wont help when I'm in "the black hole" again, I'm putting these up.
Because future emo ani,... you will get through it.
And you will be ok.
Possibly even better.

                                             The trick is in what one emphasizes. 
                                                      We either make ourselves miserable, 
                                                           or we makes ourselves happy. 
The amount of work is the same


~ anib

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A long time ago

a long long time ago in a place called stumbleupon (SU), i was given a platform for the first time in my life to express myself creatively without any limits. i used to blog, write, collect images.. and make music videos. i also went by my "real name": anitab. 
this was on purpose. 
(this was also way before social media and companies checking your online activities.)

the purpose was, and always has been, to find anitab.

a fun little part of SU was our avatars. i used to change my avatar almost daily to reflect a current mood or another side of me. it became a "thing". it became something important to me. 
each and every one of my "avatar girls" became a part of me.
as i embraced their beauty, their quirkiness.... 
i started embracing mine.

these videos were compiled from all the pics of my "avatar girls". 
there are many children in these images. and many grown woman yearning for love. 
and lots of butterflies and bubbles and pink and hearts.
 and babies. 
and eyes. 
and sadness.

these videos still bring me to tears because they meant so much to me at the time. 
and, i guess.. they still do.

i guess i'm still looking.
and, i guess...
i still dont see.

i can smile a little when i look back today, though.
so many of the things i wanted for myself have come true.
i really do have some amazing friends.
there are people that "see" me.
i can dance with abandon.
i have great clothes and play with fashion.
i dyed my hair blue and purple.
i recovered from heartbreak.

that was the last video i created. 
my editing got a little better... and i got a little bit more hopeful about my future.
at first the butterflies seemed to be my way out and help me escape from the pain and sadness.
by the end, it seemed like the butterflies gave me more power to just be.

i dont have a conclusion...

other than this has been going on for a long time.
and long enough.
i'm tired of being sad.

good night.