Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A long time ago

a long long time ago in a place called stumbleupon (SU), i was given a platform for the first time in my life to express myself creatively without any limits. i used to blog, write, collect images.. and make music videos. i also went by my "real name": anitab. 
this was on purpose. 
(this was also way before social media and companies checking your online activities.)

the purpose was, and always has been, to find anitab.

a fun little part of SU was our avatars. i used to change my avatar almost daily to reflect a current mood or another side of me. it became a "thing". it became something important to me. 
each and every one of my "avatar girls" became a part of me.
as i embraced their beauty, their quirkiness.... 
i started embracing mine.


these videos were compiled from all the pics of my "avatar girls". 
there are many children in these images. and many grown woman yearning for love. 
and lots of butterflies and bubbles and pink and hearts.
 and babies. 
and eyes. 
and sadness.



these videos still bring me to tears because they meant so much to me at the time. 
and, i guess.. they still do.

i guess i'm still looking.
and, i guess...
i still dont see.


i can smile a little when i look back today, though.
so many of the things i wanted for myself have come true.
i really do have some amazing friends.
there are people that "see" me.
i can dance with abandon.
i have great clothes and play with fashion.
i dyed my hair blue and purple.
i recovered from heartbreak.
barely.




that was the last video i created. 
my editing got a little better... and i got a little bit more hopeful about my future.
at first the butterflies seemed to be my way out and help me escape from the pain and sadness.
by the end, it seemed like the butterflies gave me more power to just be.


i dont have a conclusion...
yet...

other than this has been going on for a long time.
and long enough.
i'm tired of being sad.


good night.

~anib

Friday, May 16, 2014

Crash and burn

I suppose I should do an Afrikaburn post. It was nice. I had fun. And then I got pissed off.

It's hard to walk away from Afrikaburn and remember the good stuff when I found out that my good friend had passed away from cancer while I was out frolicking in the desert.

I also almost died as we left the Burn. It's not something that I really want to talk about... but our car almost rolled on that horrible R355 gravel road of hell. And I'm insanely pissed off at my friend... for many things that happened before, during and after the Burn but this was probably the last straw for me. The least you could've done, after everything that I have done for you, was get me there safe and sound. The very least.

I tried to explain why I was upset... but I managed to just end up burning that bridge. Hard. We're no longer friends. (Not because of the accident.... mostly about money... and some hurtful things that were said.)

So after a week of sunny days and hot party nights and naked old men running around the desert and beautiful girls and their little boy issues and trance and hip hop and art (amazing amazing art) and science and tea and croquet (yes really) and rainbows and butterflies and crystals and chakras and hula hoops and purple weddings and sand (so much sand)..... after all of that, I will only remember the two important friends that I lost.

It feels a little ungrateful.... but I cant see much past death and loss at the moment. Even watching the Reflection sculpture from last year's burn get burned this year left me a little sad. And of course last year's burn was the first time I was able to mourn properly for my dad. His death anniversary is this month. Two years.

And I'm still single. I actually really did put myself out there this Afrikaburn. I flirted with a few boys... got accepted but rejected and another guy just wanted sex. And I realised that I really dont just want that. So I'm still single. I give up.

And I got sick this week. Horribly sick with snot and fevers and coughing all night.

I am freaking over this month.

But the greatest hurt is losing  my friend. Death, I can try to understand.. but having a friend abuse my love and trust is something I can never get used to. I'm heart broken.... and tired. And a lot poorer too so I cant do much more than sit with these feelings and feel them. I mean, who DOES that?!

I'm done.

Just stand there and watch me burn.



~anib



Friday, May 9, 2014

For Yvette

I dont even know how to deal with this.
Last week, on my way home from Afrikaburn, I found out via Facebook that my friend, Yvette, had passed away while I was at Tankwa Town.
I was in shock.
The last I'd heard was that she was back in hospital after some complications from the chemo treatment she was on. This had happened a few times before and she was always fine. She was a tough cookie... she would always just make it, regardless of what the doctors said.
I cannot understand why...

Yvette was (is, is, IS!) an amazing woman. She is the ultimate geek supergirl and proud of it. She's a code-busting, hello kitty loving, cupcake baking, dragon living, passionate, intelligent, opinionated, stubborn, purple-haired, knitting, cat owning, sushi eating, movie watching, geeking out superwoman.

A few memories that stand out include the night before she got her braces. She wanted to indulge in one last eat-as much-as-you-can ribs night at spur with me. I think about her every time I get ribs. I dont think we ever had ribs again after her braces came off... but she really did enjoy her new smile.

Another fun day was the day we geeked out at Ratanga Junction. Her need for speed and rollercoaster streak shone through as she made us more nervous types try every ride at the park... twice. She loves what she loves... and she loves it hard. She was never scared to fly her freak flag high.

On that note, I will always be grateful to her for making me watch the original Hercules with Arnold Schwarzenegger. Total geek out. And also for forgiving me for not watching any Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings movies. No matter how much you disagreed with someone, you let them be them. Thank you for that.

And now... you're gone.
Gone but never forgotten.
I still have the little stone you gave us at your last birthday that said "happiness".
I wish you happiness, Ms Mage Pen Dragon. Much love and happiness for you.
Thank you for you.
And fuck cancer hard.

~anib

Monday, January 27, 2014

Zen and the art of cutting

Memories are funny things. And good intentions are supposed to be good things. And the universe, sometimes, has a pretty weird sense of humour. Such is life.

So a friend of mine is getting married on my wedding day. Well, my ex-wedding day. But still. It matters. To me. I think. I'm not sure if it should... but it does... sorta. I think? *sigh* This is my brain at the moment. Sorry.

ANYway... so I offered to help her with some things and I landed up cutting paper butterflies. Yay butterflies! 2013 was the year of the butterfly for me personally (for many reasons) but I haven't yet turned into a butterfly. I have my moments but the butterfly is still really important to me and I am working really hard on blossoming into one (so to speak).

So... I start losing myself in cutting up the tiny paper butterflies and my mind wanders to weddings and love and romance and I try to steer my head back into the here and now ... and then Alanis Morisette comes on the playlist. Oh come on, universe. Really?!

Nothing takes me back to the icky times in my life than old Alanis. My ex-husband and I used to do mix tapes (oh 90's i miss you) for each other when we were dating  and one of the songs I put on a tape for him was "Head over Feet."

You treat me like I'm a princess. I'm not used to liking that.....
You've already won me over in spite of me. And don't be alarmed if I fall head over feet....
I've never felt this healthy before. I've never wanted something rational

That was my "declaration of love." That was me, in all of my vulnerability, saying "I love you - Please love me back." That was me being certain... being so very careful with my heart and then being so very sure that this was "it" and handing it over. And I was wrong. (As an aside, that was also me having very low standards. Ha. #regret )

It's so very easy getting angry at "the other" in a relationship. He did many things wrong. But I did too. I made mistakes. I was wrong. And that's a bitter (and jagged!) little pill to swallow sometimes.

I made a mistake then. I'm not sure if the mistake was to trust him or to let myself fall in love so ridiculously that I lost all sense of myself. Would anyone have been able to stop that? Was the whole relationship a mistake or did I learn something from it? Some days... I'm not sure if much has changed.

I had all of this is swirling around in my head as I carried on delicately cutting up tiny paper butteflies. All the ups and downs were going on in my head... from regret to pain to sweet nostalgia... but none of it actually changed my reality. I am here because of all that happened in my past. All those experiences (bad and good) are part of me and who I am today.

So enough of regret. And enough of punishing myself for being me, when I really didnt know any better.

Sometimes I worry that my feelings will overwhelm me so I try not to get into the sads. But I'm still ok. I felt all the feels... and life went on.

Life is weird. Good intentions are still good. And memories are still funny things.
But life goes on regardless of your mistakes.

Mistakes happen and the only thing you can do is learn from them and enjoy the weird, lovely, funny experiences along the way.
I need to be a little kinder to myself.
And remind myself that it's ok to be human.... with a butterfly heart. :)

~anib


Monday, January 20, 2014

I wuz robbed

Oh the many stories that are in those three words.But, the most recent story is an actual robbery that happened last week Sunday. My ID book, bank cards, cellphone and some cash got stolen out of my car. To be honest, it was a pretty easy robbery as my friend had left my car door open and I had left everything there.. waiting for karma.

And I was angry.... and sad. So very sad for all the old messages that I had lost. Lost hopes and dreams that were contained in text messages and whatsapps ... hoping for a different outcome. It took me a few days to feel the freedom of letting that all go. Ex-loves and ex-friends and conversations that no longer exist... are all gone. The new phone feels empty but a little liberating too.

Being without cash was also an interesting experience for four days. I've been unemployed before... but I had a credit limit back then. I had no access to my own money for about four days... and I was stressed and felt really useless. I love spoiling my friends and family and I love being able to take care of myself. So it wasnt a great experience to feel stuck at home again with no other option.

Overall, it was good to feel that sense of loss and realise I would still be ok, without all my normal "stuff" with me. I managed to do without for the most part and have got back everything I needed... and sometimes a little more (I just LOVE my new cellphone!).

My dear hippy friends tell me that the energies are busy changing as we're moving out of a serpent cycle. So the hippy snake can have my old phone and my old connections. I'm ready to shed the old snake skin and come out all shiny and clean and free from the past.

Looking back at the past week, I actually did have a good break (mentally and emotionally) from an old part of my past and connected more deeply with some friends that are part of my future.

All in all... a good experience.
Who knew?!
:)

~ anib

Monday, January 6, 2014

New things in 2014

So 2014 has been an experience so far. I had another great new year's eve party at Boomerang spent mostly with my good friend Dawie and a few new friends and other lovely people I've got to know in 2013. But by the end of the 1st January, I was already relearning a very important lesson from 2013: boundaries are a good idea.

The details are not important but I got very tired of some people taking advantage of generosity and kindness. Everyone has to set their own limits but I know that I am done with leechy type friends. Friendship has to be about give and then take. And if that means I lose a few friendly faces along the way, I'm ok with that now. It just makes me angry when my friends are taken advantage of.

Another new revelation this year was a nice boy showing some interest in me (not directly to me though). I was pretty surprised by the news and nothing has happened yet... but it's an interesting phenomena that I'm not quite sure how to deal with.

The funny thing is, another young man seemed to be attempting to test the waters with me yesterday and I was... well... scared. I actually literally ran away. Poor boy. :)

It's a pretty weird thing being attracted to someone and hoping they like you back. How do you decide that you like someone back? Isn't love supposed to be a big bang kinda thing?? I have been noticing the male species more often these days after letting go of the men I cant have. I've also been trying to switch my brain into "relationship mode" because I dont want something quick and dirty. I want the whole shebang. But how do you know when you have it?

I'm not even sure what "relationship ani" would look like. All I know is, everything that I used to do was just wrong. I've changed a lot and so my relationship skills need to change too. But I have no idea how I am supposed to act in a relationship. Should I wait until I do know? Are there any tester boyfriends I could practice on? Poor boys... ;)

And people always say that it's good to be friends before you become lovers but how do you even go from friendly guy friend to passionate lovers? It's a weird situation but I'm not going to push it. I'll wait and see what happens. Or is that too safe? I'm not sure.

Argh.
2014 is going to be interesting. :)

~anib


Monday, December 30, 2013

Blog Challenge - Day 29 to 31 of 31 days of Blogging

Blog Challenge Link.


29. Share a photo of something old that has a personal history for you, maybe something that was passed down or has special meaning. Tell us about it and why it’s special.
dont have pictures but my grandmother's old dressing table is pretty special to me. i used to love going through all the cupboards looking for old pictures and things. i miss my gran a lot. 

30. Looking back: Share highlights from 2013. (can be pictures only)
haven't we done this already? oh ok... afrikaburn, new job, new love interest (although not to be fulfilled) and finally got rid of every ex-thing. freedom for 2014. 

31. Share some of your goals or resolutions for 2014
be more me... as weird as that sometimes can be. the weird ones are more interesting anyway.
rest more... enough of parties every week.
save more... and try not to give all your money away again.
boundaries, boundaries, boundaries... learn to say no more.
and maybe some love and romance.

Happy New Year n stuff.

~anib