Monday, March 12, 2018

All the New things

Well... it seems that some things have changed since my last post. Actually, a whole lot of things, including my attitude (thankfully).

I have been actively house hunting and I put in my first offer to purchase today. Hoping I can get past the snotty estate agent and get the house of my dreams. It has a fireplace, aircon, beautiful kitchen, pool, outdoor braai, alarm... and *squee* I cant wait. Holding thumbs.

I also got my learner's licence and will be applying for my driving licence this weekend. That's a very long story but it's so very important to me.

And then, finally... yes I am on a new eating plan and am rapidly losing weight. I feel good and I think I can keep it up until at least Boom. I don't even know who I will be after Boom.... so let's just wait and see what happens after that.

I have also dyed my hair back to my more natural dark brown and will aim to keep it that way until December. I would like to grow it out a bit more... maybe look more like a girl. Maybe. We'll see.

Oh. And that's also the motor for 2018: We'll see. We'll plan what we can but otherwise, we will go with the flow and see what happens. So here's to a whole bunch of changes and seeing what will happen next.

Onto adventure.

Monday, January 15, 2018

New year, same me

Oh hey. It's 2018. Well I'm not going to summarise 2017. It's just another year. And I'm just not into looking back right now.

Right now, I'm trying to focus on something to look forward to. And so I'm trying to plan for Boom music festival in Portugal. Lord knows why, but I've booked tickets and now I'm slowly trying to figure out how I'm going to survive out there.

After the modem festival last year, I've learned that I can survive the travel aspect. And modem was pretty comfortable, relatively speaking. Boom is incredibly hot and dusty and very big. So I'm scared.

I'm also going with my cousin and some friends do that amps up the social anxiety part. I was happy to do modem by myself because I could do it at my own pace and not worry about anyone else. Not sure I really want people around me while I'm struggling with self doubt.

But anyway. One of the ways that I've been thinking of preparing is.... Um. Losing weight. And yes. I know.... That even seems impossible to me. But I'm trying. Well I tried. But I really really can't. And I hate that about me so much.

I thought I could try the paleo diet again because I lost so much weight the last time but... Urgh. It's so boring. I might throw up on water. Gross.


I need another plan.

Or maybe another me.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Post Therapy thoughts

I had about a three week break from my therapist...  with public holidays and afrikaburn and life getting in the way. So it was nice going back yesterday... but also.... sigh. I'm so tired of my stuff.

I've been with Dr H since November 2012... almost five years. Geez. What an adventure. But he's been truly amazing... and I'm more than a little heartbroken that he'll be leaving the country at the end of August. Like actually a lot heartbroken. Devastated even.

I've had many therapists but he's been truly close to my heart. He challenges me and supports me in so many ways. And he sort of gets some of my ani-isms and calls me out on my bullshit. I'm interviewing a few new doctors this week but I actually really dont want to right now. I dont know.... I'll see how I feel after those appointments.

One of the things we discussed yesterday was my extreme jealousy of love and relationships... and how I take it out on my close friends. I really dont like that person that I become but it feels so overwhelming and impossible to control. I really feel like it will hurt my close friendships but I dont see any way of dealing with it. So I try to deal with it by being as honest as possible without hurting other people too much.

I just really do feel dead inside... I dont think I have the capacity or ability to love again. And that scares me but I dont know how to fix it.

I also spoke about afrikaburn and how lonely I felt. Ironic, because I know that I isolated myself among 13,000 people. There were moments where I enjoyed the quiet alone time but there are also questions about why I run away from any kind of intimacy. As I so eloquently put yesterday, if I see lightning strike in the middle of the desert but no one else is there to experience it with me, is it still a valid experience?

Anyway. My best friend is leaving Cape Town again. My therapist is leaving. And I feel completely and utterly alone in the world. Again.


Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Seven years

Seven years.
2009 was the year I finally got divorced.
2009 was the year that I should've had my baby.
2009 was the year that I ran away and fought and gave up and tried again and finally walked.
2009 was the year that I fell in love again and out of love.... again... and again.
2009 was the year that I got out of my comfort zone and made new friends and a whole new life.

2009  feels like a long time ago. And today, I think I'm feeling the 7 year itch. I'm feeling too comfortable... too safe... too bored.

I'm not unhappy. I have so much to be grateful for.... and I am grateful. I survived a messy divorce, paid off all my debts, got myself into a really ridiculously good job and I have some amazing people who love and support me. I am healthy, happy and I have enough.

And yet.

Apparently, every 7 years you change and the next chapter for me includes more changes.
This is when we reassess the results of what we are doing externally in our life. Our relationships, careers, habits and the ways we interact are all put under scrutiny and modified or changed. It’s a time of facing up to what does and what doesn’t satisfy us.
So... here I am, I guess,  being challenged by my relationships, career and habits. And trying to figure out where to go from here. Because here is just not enough, it seems.

Yesterday, Carrie Fisher passed away and, while I have no real connection to her, I was touched by this quote that I found. 

There was a time that I was so afraid of everything... but I had to do things anyway. In 2009, my motto was "just try anything once" and it led me to a whole lot of interesting people and places. I have a lot more confidence in things that used to scare me.... But I'm still scared of things like love and intimacy.

I hope that I will be braver in 2017.
I will be braver in 2017. 

Here's to a happy, healthy and satisfying 2017. 
And maybe even a fun NYE. ;)



Monday, October 3, 2016

September 2016

I missed my September blog post. There's no reason, really, other than I've been occupied with lots of thoughts and things... but not enough for a coherent blog post.

So here's a random summary of September, without getting too deep into thoughts and feelings.

The month started with a trip to Citrusdal for an Afrikaburn type party. I wanted to "test drive" my chill area idea at trance parties and did a fully psychedelic chill area with decor from Luminos. It was lovely but didn't really fit in and I felt a little defeated. I mostly got over myself and hung out with my DPW friends and then cheered myself with a longer route home through the west coast. It was ok but I doubt that I'd attend again.

The weekend after that I attended Wolfkop for the first time as a thank you gift from Afrikaburn for my volunteer work. I'll admit that I really didn't even feel that I belonged there, but I made a nice chill space for people and tried my best to fit in. I also felt very intimidated by all the very very pretty people at that party and, really, the only thing that I dance to was Mafikzolo's song "Meet me at the River."  The rest of the music was this down tempo house techno crap that I just could not....

Anyway, it was a pretty place and the Afrikaburn people are always.... entertaining. I also got bitten so badly by mosquitoes so that sucked a little. I also took some leave from work because things were complicated and I was feeling really depressed and tired and... gatvol. :(

Two weeks after that, I attended Earthdance for just the Sunday. That was also a little different to normal as I went with some friends in the back of a bakkie and without all my "things." I tried to let go but I was a little worried. I also got fat shamed on the dancefloor which significantly affected my ability to "let go" and just have fun. That sucked.

So I dont know... I didnt enjoy it that much, I guess. Although I was really surrounded by an army of awesome people that really loved me. And I missed that scene a lot... so much so that I was overcome by emotion as I hit the dancefloor. It's a weird thing, these trance parties. So much shit goes on sometimes... but it's still such a place for growth for me. Still learning... still growing.

And this past weekend, I decided to attend an ecstatic dance class.... which was super weird and interesting and probably good for me. Still undecided about that whole thing, tbh. And then I attended the hoop day celebrations which was fun and playful and definitely good for me. And yesterday, I started painting the side wall. I want to make an ocean effect as I drive in. Heh. Cant wait to see this done.... although today, my back is PAINFULLY sore.

Totes worth it. :)

 Along the way, there have been some personal issues that I'm still dealing with. Once I've figured it all out, I'll post something more coherent and personal here. For now, I am just really grateful for friends that really listen and a therapist that helps me move forward.