Friday, July 13, 2018

New house, who dis?

I have a home. My own house. A house with a giant double story mermaid mosaic. Of course I do. But also... OMG I ACTUALLY REALLY DO! It's a little hard to believe... and process... but it's real.

So it's been a month since I've officially moved in. The first week was a whirlwind of boxes and unpacking and dusting and frustration and excitement. I had a few friends over to sit around a fire, in a house with no furniture, plotting and planning what to do with the walls and space. There is so much space! This was initially terrifying, being surrounded by so much emptiness, but I'm getting more used to it now.

I managed to find lovely couches and some other bits of furniture so it's starting to look more like a home. I've spent a few nights wondering if this was the biggest mistake I've ever made or the best. Only time will tell, but it's been an experience that I'm learning to love. I'm starting to explore what I like and putting together a place that I can welcome friends and feel at home.

I'll put up some pictures later... and I'm having a house warming when I return from BOOM festival in August. So, for now, I'm happy in the space, excited for the future and hoping the economy doesn't crash!

Oh yeah. And I'm going to Boom festival in Lisbon next week. All casual like.

Will hopefully catch up on that when I return.


Sunday, June 3, 2018


I walked past a bakery today. The smell of freshly baked bread took me right back to early mornings with my dad, fetching fresh rolls with him for our shop. Every Sunday morning, after walking back from mass, we would have a warm, crispy roll with lots of butter, ham and cheese. Every day at school for 12 years, I would have white bread sandwiches made by my mom. I had roosterkook for the first time in Potch after watching Fokofpolisiekar with my best friend at the time. I had a boyfriend that enjoyed cooking for me and that included home baked bread.

Bread Equals Love.

So basically... fuck banting.


Monday, March 12, 2018

All the New things

Well... it seems that some things have changed since my last post. Actually, a whole lot of things, including my attitude (thankfully).

I have been actively house hunting and I put in my first offer to purchase today. Hoping I can get past the snotty estate agent and get the house of my dreams. It has a fireplace, aircon, beautiful kitchen, pool, outdoor braai, alarm... and *squee* I cant wait. Holding thumbs.

I also got my learner's licence and will be applying for my driving licence this weekend. That's a very long story but it's so very important to me.

And then, finally... yes I am on a new eating plan and am rapidly losing weight. I feel good and I think I can keep it up until at least Boom. I don't even know who I will be after Boom.... so let's just wait and see what happens after that.

I have also dyed my hair back to my more natural dark brown and will aim to keep it that way until December. I would like to grow it out a bit more... maybe look more like a girl. Maybe. We'll see.

Oh. And that's also the motor for 2018: We'll see. We'll plan what we can but otherwise, we will go with the flow and see what happens. So here's to a whole bunch of changes and seeing what will happen next.

Onto adventure.

Monday, January 15, 2018

New year, same me

Oh hey. It's 2018. Well I'm not going to summarise 2017. It's just another year. And I'm just not into looking back right now.

Right now, I'm trying to focus on something to look forward to. And so I'm trying to plan for Boom music festival in Portugal. Lord knows why, but I've booked tickets and now I'm slowly trying to figure out how I'm going to survive out there.

After the modem festival last year, I've learned that I can survive the travel aspect. And modem was pretty comfortable, relatively speaking. Boom is incredibly hot and dusty and very big. So I'm scared.

I'm also going with my cousin and some friends do that amps up the social anxiety part. I was happy to do modem by myself because I could do it at my own pace and not worry about anyone else. Not sure I really want people around me while I'm struggling with self doubt.

But anyway. One of the ways that I've been thinking of preparing is.... Um. Losing weight. And yes. I know.... That even seems impossible to me. But I'm trying. Well I tried. But I really really can't. And I hate that about me so much.

I thought I could try the paleo diet again because I lost so much weight the last time but... Urgh. It's so boring. I might throw up on water. Gross.


I need another plan.

Or maybe another me.

Tuesday, May 9, 2017

Post Therapy thoughts

I had about a three week break from my therapist...  with public holidays and afrikaburn and life getting in the way. So it was nice going back yesterday... but also.... sigh. I'm so tired of my stuff.

I've been with Dr H since November 2012... almost five years. Geez. What an adventure. But he's been truly amazing... and I'm more than a little heartbroken that he'll be leaving the country at the end of August. Like actually a lot heartbroken. Devastated even.

I've had many therapists but he's been truly close to my heart. He challenges me and supports me in so many ways. And he sort of gets some of my ani-isms and calls me out on my bullshit. I'm interviewing a few new doctors this week but I actually really dont want to right now. I dont know.... I'll see how I feel after those appointments.

One of the things we discussed yesterday was my extreme jealousy of love and relationships... and how I take it out on my close friends. I really dont like that person that I become but it feels so overwhelming and impossible to control. I really feel like it will hurt my close friendships but I dont see any way of dealing with it. So I try to deal with it by being as honest as possible without hurting other people too much.

I just really do feel dead inside... I dont think I have the capacity or ability to love again. And that scares me but I dont know how to fix it.

I also spoke about afrikaburn and how lonely I felt. Ironic, because I know that I isolated myself among 13,000 people. There were moments where I enjoyed the quiet alone time but there are also questions about why I run away from any kind of intimacy. As I so eloquently put yesterday, if I see lightning strike in the middle of the desert but no one else is there to experience it with me, is it still a valid experience?

Anyway. My best friend is leaving Cape Town again. My therapist is leaving. And I feel completely and utterly alone in the world. Again.


Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Seven years

Seven years.
2009 was the year I finally got divorced.
2009 was the year that I should've had my baby.
2009 was the year that I ran away and fought and gave up and tried again and finally walked.
2009 was the year that I fell in love again and out of love.... again... and again.
2009 was the year that I got out of my comfort zone and made new friends and a whole new life.

2009  feels like a long time ago. And today, I think I'm feeling the 7 year itch. I'm feeling too comfortable... too safe... too bored.

I'm not unhappy. I have so much to be grateful for.... and I am grateful. I survived a messy divorce, paid off all my debts, got myself into a really ridiculously good job and I have some amazing people who love and support me. I am healthy, happy and I have enough.

And yet.

Apparently, every 7 years you change and the next chapter for me includes more changes.
This is when we reassess the results of what we are doing externally in our life. Our relationships, careers, habits and the ways we interact are all put under scrutiny and modified or changed. It’s a time of facing up to what does and what doesn’t satisfy us.
So... here I am, I guess,  being challenged by my relationships, career and habits. And trying to figure out where to go from here. Because here is just not enough, it seems.

Yesterday, Carrie Fisher passed away and, while I have no real connection to her, I was touched by this quote that I found. 

There was a time that I was so afraid of everything... but I had to do things anyway. In 2009, my motto was "just try anything once" and it led me to a whole lot of interesting people and places. I have a lot more confidence in things that used to scare me.... But I'm still scared of things like love and intimacy.

I hope that I will be braver in 2017.
I will be braver in 2017. 

Here's to a happy, healthy and satisfying 2017. 
And maybe even a fun NYE. ;)